Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I'm guilty of this and feel bad about it! I've never hosted a bbq and am hoping to do one this year (I've never used one either!!). I also worry the house isn't tidy/clean enough or that guests will be bored.

I do, however, always invite people over for a cup of tea. I did host a dinner party for the first time last year and did 3 courses - I found it quite stressful so am gearing up to do it again.

I know people who are sooo comfortable hosting and will just invite us over for dinner on a whim! I on the other hand need loads of notice so I can prepare!! Wish I could be more relaxed about it but I'm trying to get some good dishes under my belt so that I will have a go to meal I can do at short notice.

Maybe your neighbours are a bit like me?? Odd about no cup of tea tho.

This thread has made me feel quite sad. I used to be a hostess with the mostest. Parties, dinners, meet ups all the time and then life ground me down. I aim to be a host again. perhaps even this year.
I do think people are divided into givers and takers. MN seems to be full of the latter if I'm to be honest. It's the same as the 'my little family' attitude. I'm a bit like that now and hate it.

lemonshark
i really do think some people will not travel any further than the end of their street.

large cities are often comprised of small "villages" and from experIence i know some really can't.be bothered moving out of their comfort area Even to attend a party hosted by a good friend.

it's very sad, i think .

rural dwellers i feel are far more likely to visit neighbours who may live a mile or more away.

One friend out of a large group never hosts purely because she is tight. She takes minimal contribution to others parties and consumes around 4x what she contributed. Were people aren’t comfortable hosting then I’d rather they didn’t attempt as as the experience isn’t likely to be enjoyable for anyone

People make excuses for not reciprocating. They are plain and simple excuses and in my view, generally, unless ill health is involved, don't cut the mustard.

Yes, houses might be a bit shabby or squashed, or the hosts not fantastic cooks, or hugely confident or have lots of spare cash.....none of these exclude those people from showing some simple and basic hospitality.

Hospitality doesn't have to be a party. It can be inviting one or 2 people in for a coffee, with or without a biscuit. It honestly can be as simple as this. As others have said, the key is to be friendly and welcoming - the surroundings and the quality of any food or drink are absolutely peripheral.

To all those who say they don't feel confident, or don't like their houses or feel it is their personal space, for goodness sake, put yourselves out a bit - make 2018 the year when you decide you will move out of your comfort zone a bit, because you actually do appreciate your friends or neighbours or whoever. If you never have anyone in, just ask someone in for a coffee - just one person is a start. If you go to neighbours drinks year after year but haven't ever hosted, choose a nice summer weekend and just invite 6 people round for either a BBQ or a cream tea in the garden.

If you are someone who reels off the excuses about a small house, untidy house, lack of confidence or money, recognise that these might stop you hosting a gigantic all singing, all dancing event, but they don't prevent you showing basic hospitality to small numbers. If you don't show any basic hospitality to small numbers but attend gatherings organised by others and there are no health issues to prevent you, you really are being a taker and should recognise yourself for that. However, things can change....push yourself and d dude you will do something this year, however small.

"If you can't afford extra food and drink for guests and that's why you don't host, you're hardly going to be able to take people out for dinner"

That goes without saying. If you're unable to host purely because you can't afford it then that's one thing, I'm talking about people who could do it but are too thoughtless/selfish/lazy to reciprocate. If I knew a regular guest was on the bones of their arse I wouldn't mind them not reciprocating but I doubt that's the most common reason.

Hosting doesn't have to cost a fortune though. Ask guests to bring their own preferred alcohol, and lay on nibbles. Snacks. Crudités and dips, nice crisps, cheap frozen Iceland party snacks. It's more about the mindset of opening your home and having people around to enjoy their company, ask who has any good board games to fetch.

I don't think the sign of someone being a good host is how much they've spent on the evening, though others might. Some of the nicest evenings are sitting around talking or playing a game with a drink and some snacks. Doesn't have to be a five course dinner party!

I also would consider a friend inviting me out for coffee and paying for our lattes and a small cake each as being reciprocity. It's really not about the financial value, it's about the gesture of being giving and generous and wanting to spend time with someone.

It's a matter of balance though. I think hosts only get abit if it's a constant thing or even more annoyingly there's an expectation you will lay something on.

Small house / no funds not the issue for the few non reciprocators I have come across.

KERALA1
Francine and rousette have agreed with every word. Fancy popping over?
Come to ours! I insist!!

As one of the not confident people above, I will say in my defence that I do the coffee and tea thing. I also don't go out to other people's dinner parties because we don't get invited and we couldn't go anyway with our small children.

I will have to do more of this in 2018 anyway, as we will need to make new friends due to a change in circumstances, so this thread has been interesting and helpful.

And to the PP who said they couldn't have a party cos they only have 4 plates. I didn't have enough plates for my NYE party this year, so borrowed some from a neighbour. Just sayin
We had 25 for a curry (delivered from our favourite restaurant) at lunch time on Christmas eve and used plastic disposable thalis we ordered from Amazon! Nobody complained!

Exactly. I have borrowed/ bought paper plates/ really cheap basic crockery.

After many years I won't be doing a New Year's Eve party again. The regular guests who don't reciprocate don't have any of possible reasons on here for not doing so.

citychick Yes it's really really odd. I have workmates who think my monthly or every two monthly trips to London for a gig (200m each way) are staggering and something they'd do once per year if that. I totally understand if it's financial based (I've been in severe financial difficulties before) and shock at being able to afford it (though I normally get a £10 return megabus so it's no more expensive than a return bus to the next town over) but some people just can't conceive of regularly or casually leaving their hometown for any reason.

We had people round for NYE and my son had a sleepover in Dec for his birthday. We moved house in Nov for the past 10 years I was too ashamed of my small damp cluttered terrace house to have anyone round. Met oh 12 years ago and none of his friends have ever been in our old house. I'm hoping the new house is a start for us to be more hospitable looming forward to bbqs in summer and for the children to have sleepovers

We have some good friends who never return our hospitality - BUT when they come to us they have copious amounts of booze and dessert so we really don't mind. We've had other friends who've invited us back and been stingy. We've also hosted when we've had building work going on, so we've sat with plates on our laps. If people bring lots of booze/offer to bring a dish etc. I'd carry on ... otherwise, yes, there are givers and takers so I'd give up!

Hosting is FUCKING hard work.

It really depends on how much you want to 'have a party'. I remember the first time i had a party, about a week into my first term at uni, when i had my own room, in a house of ten or so shared rooms, shared kitchen and showers/loos. I just announced that i was having a party, told the people i had met where and when and ... umm, that was about it as far as preparation goes.

Loads of people came, I remember it as great fun. Someone brought a stereo system, so there was music. Not sure whether there was any food, load of people brought drink, but I'm not a big drinker so no question of hangover. Looking back there is much that i would have done differently, check in with everyone else in the house is probably top of the list, but there is much more.

Another time I hosted a BBQ when I had just moved by myself into a tiny house. Lots of people brought folding seats, i set up a hibachi type grill on a wall outside the front door and was quite busy all night. Only when i woke up the next morning, did it strike me, who actually lit the charcoal, who did the cooking. At the time they were just colleagues, we no longer work together but they have become Lovely, lovely friends, with whom i am still in contact.

I like to think that i have got better at hosting as my life has gone on, nowadays there is a bit lot more preparation, there is always food and soft drinks at least. I'm telling you this because i think that the intention to host is an urge, for something very deep inside. Maybe something akin to wanting to have a child, but much, much less hard work. If you don't feel that urge, maybe better do your socialising one on one? Certainly not only in order to reciprocate, but i would feel uncomfortable if i did not make some effort to reciprocate other invitations. Not like for like, but certainly to reciprocate the, as PP said upthread, come to ours, I would like to welcome you and get to know you better. Actually, though, you don't really get to know people at a party, though, do you? Ponders.....

Why do i love doing it? One of the best feelings in the world when you listen out and know that, while you might have launched it, the party has taken off and has a life of its own.

Referring to a PP- If most hosts prefer to be guests then surely you are all hosting for the wrong reasons? It's equal to gift giving.... only giving in the hopes of receiving something back. Do you treat present giving like this? If not why is hosting any different?

Surely this is the precise reason restaurants, pubs etc were created. They take all the stress you all seem to hate out of it & although yes there are financial implications but then that is equal for all & not just a 'host'.

Hosting should only be because you want to not for alterieor motives (although I do agree you could have at least been invited in for tea/coffee).

Having mentioned thalis earlier - if you want to be inspired by what it means to be generous and serve, if you ever get the chance, visit a Sikh Temple

They serve anyone who enters regardless of their religion - obviously no alcohol or meat - but just a very simple vegetarian Indian meal cooked by volunteers and served on metal thalis - sectioned platters like you see in American prisons in films and on TV. But you have millionaires and doctors breaking bread with shopkeepers and bus drivers.

The kitchen is a sight to behold - nobody "in charge" and certainly no recipes being followed - just everyone chipping in (men, women and children), helping with the cooking, serving and washing up.

Warning: You have to sit on the floor to eat - although most temples also have some tables for the elderly or disabled. Also - everyone has to cover their head and remove their shoes inside the temple so make sure your socks are unholy.

I would love to host.

But I never serm to get the invitation out early enough.
I'm thinking it would be a good idea to put on a new years party, when the invitation arrives for our whole friendship group elsewhere.
I say come to mine, but for various reasons, (childcare etc) we always end up at someone else's.

I'm very aware I never host, but it just never happens.

There are two families in my social circle who never reciprocate party / dinner invitations .

One is a couple who are quite well off and have a large house. I think that there’s an issue there as no one has ever been across their doorstep.

The other is a single mum who has a tiny house - not much more than a studio flat for her and her child.

Both families are the first to help out in other ways eg pick up my children from school etc, help out in an emergency. They invite others to go out for a meal, cinema trip, day out somewhere , just not to their home.

Today we are going to my brothers for a meal. They have a tiny flat . The four adults sit around a small table in the living room and the four kids will sit on the sofa with a plate on their laps. It will be great fun, Im really looking forward to it. It’s about being with those you love, not the size of the house.

They have a large dog that’s going to a neighbours for the day.

So I think it’s quite possible to get round some of these issue if you want to.

I always invite in for tea and coffee,
The offer is rarely accepted.

My home is tiny and isnt set up for gatherings as I have no dining room/table, plus I can afford a lovely bottle of wine to take as a thank you when I go to people's homes but I couldn't afford to cater for a lot of people.

I feel quite lucky that my friends and acquaintances understand this.

"I would love to host.

But I never serm to get the invitation out early enough."

But surely if you're aware of that, you can change it? why don't you set a date now for an Easter gathering, send out invites, remind people a few weeks before and it's sorted?

Could it be that modern media have made it worse for introverts and insecure people? Just look at all the cookery programmes on TV, all the cookbooks, magazines, etc. They're constantly showing you how things 'should be done'. Never mind the things your mother or grandmother taught you about hosting.
The Christmas food adverts on TV are a prime example. Huge tables full of exquisite foods. Does anyone do this for real?

Having said all this I flicked through an old 1950s women's weekly at a friend's house the other week (she inherited a collection of old magazines from an elderly aunt). It was full of adverts about how to be a perfect housewife and hostess!

So, perhaps nothing has changed.

Oh and I can never do the tea/coffee thing because my house is always an absolute mess!

I do think there are circumstances that make hosting very difficult. If you've got a small, badly designed kitchen it is infinitey harder to entertain well than it is in a large, spacious one. That's not a comment about what is physically possible, but about the stress involved for an amateur cook in such a space (and yes, yes I know there are great restaurants run out of small kitchens - but those are pros). I think it's perfectly possible not to be a stinge and never to host, though - you just go out for meals and make sure that you pay your share (and a bit extra if it's someone's birthday or whatever).

I do think hosting people for food is a LOT more enjoyable if you have a house that's set up for it. Having gone from a large, spacious kitchen to a tiny cupboard-sized one, the experience isn't really comparable. One of the things I'm looking forward to most about getting a new kitchen is being able to host people without military level planning again.