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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

726 replies

FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 07:55

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet firstSad

OP posts:
AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 11:03

Actually no, it's quite the opposite, it's her hobby cult group that he has been dragged into! But I get your point. I know things go in cycles with friendship groups and I never over-invest in just one or two people, I have different sets of friends some of whom overlap, some of whom don't. I annoy remotely needy like that.

I am just feeling increasingly that I am being taken for granted and obviously not worth nurturing any more. It's not just me, there are others, it's always the same people (me included) who host the same other people who sit back and enjoy it.

Roussette · 04/01/2018 11:04

Oh my lord pigwig that is soooo not right. Your BBQ sounds a blast and for no one to invite you back is absolute sacrilege.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 11:04

I AM NOT remotely needy!

Although I might annoy too. Grin

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 11:07

I don't blame you Pig

You should give it a miss next year and if anyone asks why, be honest.

Taffeta · 04/01/2018 11:11

This bit is interesting:

Hosting dinners means I can get away with cherry picking closer friends without feeling bad about leaving out the peripheral friends and acquaintances I am less comfortable with, which is harder to do if you have a big party

Maybe our Group Bs are peripherals? I wouldn’t class any of mine as massively close.

littlebird55 · 04/01/2018 11:32

Astrid

You are feeling increasingly annoyed because you ARE being taken for granted and you are not being nurtured in any way.

It is wonderful for the friend whom is investing her time and energy into her cult group but you do not need to wait on the sidelines. I would be ditching her, sorry, but she is clearly undeserving of your friendship and I would wait and see if she makes the effort, you have your answer if she doesn't. Your time and resources are better spent on solid friendships that have a future.

Pig

Spend the party money on a weekend away for your sister and your family. No way would I be going to those lengths in the summer for 'friends' that haven't the decency in all that time to invite you back at least once. If you enjoy the party, and your dc enjoy the party then continue but only on your own terms.

Barbie222 · 04/01/2018 12:08

I think a lot of people here genuinely prefer to have people they know well and can happily talk to for a few hours round for dinner. If someone I don’t know well asks me to go to a large party, they aren’t likely to speak to me for more than a couple of minutes and I won’t feel I know them well enough to ask them for coffee on their own or lunch, any more than l might ask the person in front of me in the queue at Tescos.

If you’d like to spend time getting to know me, that’s lovely, but I don’t want to be background music at your big event.

Barbie222 · 04/01/2018 12:15

However have to say that doesn’t sound likely in your case OP as you have been inviting these people for years!

littlebird55 · 04/01/2018 12:21

barbie not sure how you go from someone you have just met to a 'good friend' unless you make the effort to attend their parties and coffees and invite them back? Surely it is a circular problem that leads to zero new friends and a dying of the old ones?

Not many people are going to pay to have you as 'background music' I rather think you might over estimate your social worth unless I am missing something special about you.
It costs time, money and effort to host any big event and really you should be grateful to be invited in the first place.

FrancinePefko · 04/01/2018 12:51

I don't think I would ever invite someone to my home to be "background music". I invite people I like who will enjoy my hospitality.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 13:14

Taff I had to go back and read your posts to see what you meant by group B people. I think I am pretty similar to you except that you host the big parties and while I have done it, I prefer not to and as I said, I tend to stick to more smaller events and cherry pick, but I do try really hard to mix things up and include everybody at some point.

Some people don't like that, they see it as 'divide and conquer' and can get quite insecure about it, so you do have to be a bit careful about knowing who you can separate and who you can't without it causing a furore. I just prefer to avoid very rigid cliques, mainly because there are too many of us to invite everyone to everything without doing a big party and I don't like doing big parties. I completely agree with you that some people get very set in their clique and can't deviate from it, hence if there are 20 people in the group then all twenty get invited to everything which really limits what you can do and automatically sets the tone of the event. I can't be doing with that nonsense. If you fall on the periphery of a tight night clique then it can be tough, especially knowing those people who don't invite you will happily come to your parties.

I try hard not to do that, and get around to reciprocating with everyone in the end, one way or another.

But most of my Peripheral Friends haven't hosted me either, so I don't need to feel bad about it. We get along fine but they are not natural choices for DH and I to take it to the next level of friendship iyswim. However we do have quite a few mutual friends so we see them quite a bit at other people's events.

If the PBs invited us to a large party then we wouldn't automatically feel obliged to invite them back, although if I went a second or third time I definitely would. Although with one of two of them it would be with slight trepidation on my part as they can be a bit of a handful after a few drinks. They are nice enough when sober they are just a bit too er...excitable for my tastes. But then I would have to 'manage' that by keeping it small and choosing the other guests carefully so that the whole thing didn't get hijacked by excessive drinking and raucousness.

In fact come to think of it they are the reason I don't like big parties. If it's a very late and drunken affair I like to know I can leave when I want to - you can't do that in your own house I know, I've tried Grin

And sometimes if we don't invite the PFs it's because we really like one half of the couple but really struggle with the other.

But if we repeatedly accepted invitations from them then I absolutely would invite them back, because it would be rude not to. If I didn't feel comfortable doing that then I'd probably not be going to their parties in the first place.

But doesn't tend to happen with the PFs. I think most of us inherently understand where we fit on someone else's social landscape and there is an unwritten code about when you would be expected to be included in things and when you wouldn't.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 13:15

more smaller? Hmm

Taffeta · 04/01/2018 13:34

So our parties are usually 60-70 people. Mainly families so 20-25 of these are children generally aged 9 - 14.

We have mixed it up slightly with The Cull and a few newbs, but generally it’s the same people and has been for years.

I can think of 4 families off the top of my head that have never reciprocated with anything.

3 of these live very locally. 1 of these helps out a lot with something with my DS and I know never hosts anyone so she’s forgiven! It’s the other two that piss me off.

One in particular I’ve not only invited to our big party, but also more intimate parties and smaller Sunday lunches with another family. My DH really likes the bloke, and the DC get on. I get on fine with the woman, not my closest friend but mix in same circles, have a laugh etc. Never, ever invited us over for a meal or get together. Apparently the DH keeps saying to my DH they must have us over, but nothing ever happens. Can’t cull them as too tricky with others involved. I know they have other families round for meals etc but not us. I guess it’s me they don’t like and it hurts. Sad

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 13:40

Aw Taff don't feel bad. You must be popular to get 60 people coming - I don't think I even know 60 people!

Well I do, but not that I'd be confident enough to invite to a party.

littlebird55 · 04/01/2018 13:41

astrid

At risk of offending you but not intentionally. This is exactly why I don't do lots of socialising. I don't understand the unwritten rules or to see what social landscapes have to do anything! I rarely find the combination of getting on with both wives and husbands effortless, usually one is easier to get on with than the other, but both can be endured for an evening in most cases for the sake of harmony.

It is the very same unwritten rules you describe that makes my blood run cold ( I spent many years overseas and seem to have missed this essential part of British life) I simply invite people over that I like, hugely simplistic perhaps, but I am a straight shooter.

littlebird55 · 04/01/2018 13:42

have - has

MsHarry · 04/01/2018 13:45

What gets me is when guests(sils/bils/mil mainly)come here for a gathering they never bring anything but drink lots and eat lots. When we go there for a child's birthday(the only time we get invited) they don't have enough drinks or food. I can't not bring a bottle or two as it is soooo rude but DH keeps saying we shouldn't so they see how it feels. I just can't though.

Taffeta · 04/01/2018 13:50

MsHarry - I hear you on that one! My sister and BIL the same: drink like fishes, never bring anything and never invite us to theirs. Also sit around expecting to be waited on hand and foot, never lift a finger to help.

Entitled wankers. Angry

MsHarry · 04/01/2018 13:54

Taffeta I find it hard because apart from that we all get on pretty well and have a laugh. I don't think they appreciate how much it costs to supply ALL the beer and wine and ALL the food. so ,when they do have us over for a child's birthday they are just not willing to spend(we all earn similar amounts btw) but are quite happy to fill their boots at ours. I can't think of anything worse than running dry at a party or not having enough food to go round.

woodhill · 04/01/2018 13:56

Taffeta could you tell your ds or stop inviting them

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 14:07

Taff I think you just have to accept that you can't really gel with everyone but rest assured if they really disliked you they wouldn't be coming to your parties.

I know I am not really in the main clique of my wider friendship group (meaning my local crowd who live near enough for me to see fairly regularly) and I am not sure I even want to be. I don't want to be left out of everything, but I know if they had to pick five friends to take into a nuclear bunker I wouldn't feature on any of their lists, but probably all pick one another. And I am fine with that, honestly. I have ended up being part of that group through circumstance and via another good friend who has emigrated now anyway. I'm questioning how much I really have in common with some of them now that link has gone.

Most of my good friends that really 'get' me have left the city and moved away and seeing them is very infrequent now which is tough. Good job I am great in my own company day to day!

I am going to make a more concerted effort to make some new friends this year.

I think it should be like speed dating.

Do you like being invited to friends houses to socialise? yes / no

If yes, are you likely to invite them back? yes / no

If Yes, move on to the next question, if No, I'm pulling a lever and you will now fall through a trap door in the floor never to be seen again, because I already know enough people, I want only people who are on my wavelength and will put as much in as they take out from now on.

wakemeupbefore · 04/01/2018 14:30

Astrid, Amen to that:

"... I already know enough people, I want only people who are on my wavelength and will put as much in as they take out from now on... "

However, you are talking about establised groups of people who know one another for years. It will be rather difficult for any 'newcomers' to be accepted and invited; the best they could hope for is to eventually reach the Peripheral Friends status. Sad, really...

Taffeta · 04/01/2018 14:33

Grin Astrid , thank you

woodhill - I have told my sister, many many times. Makes no difference. There’s always an excuse. I’m so bored of it I’ve given up. We now only see them twice a year.

AstridWhite · 04/01/2018 15:10

I simply invite people over that I like, hugely simplistic perhaps, but I am a straight shooter.

Well there is nothing wrong with that! Although I do think you have to go through a period of subtly wooing friends in the same way that you do with a future partner. In the same way that 'would you like to shag me?' isn't always the best opening gambit, neither is 'would you like to come for dinner to someone you just got chatting to at the school gate for the very first time. Grin

By layers, I just meant it takes time to work your way in with people and sometimes, with the best will in the world, some people will never make it to the closest layer with me, nor I with them. That's cool. It's just being able to sense when it's really good, natural fit and when it's just a peripheral friend (or a Group B!) thing.

FluffyWuffy100 · 04/01/2018 15:25

It’s like arranging meet ups with friends, it’s usually one person that always sorts it out and if they didn’t bother it would seemingly never happen

Agreed.