Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I am amazed at how quickly in a conversation about courtesy and manners, people resort to playing "I'm a victim. YOU are the real persecuter!!!!"

The supposedly oh-so-shy people who couldn't possibly evwr have someone in their safe space - but seem to have no issues with shyness when it comes to rootling about in someone else's home to bring out drinks that weren't even meant for that party.

I am also beginning to get a bit at how often the word anxiety gets rolled out. "I can't empty a bag of cheesy balls into a bowl and open a bottle of Blue Nun ...because I'm anxious"

One of our regular guests (and the most warm, welcoming hosts) escaped the revolution in Egypt - in which family and loved ones were killed.

I guess on an Internet forum you’re naturally going to get a fair number of introverts who are genuinely horrified at the idea of hosting, which I get.

But I think as for you, Francine, my Group B offenders ain’t no introverts!

Indeed Francine. A fascinating glimpse into some very odd psyches! Along with all the "we couldn't possibly host but thanks for all the parties" ones. Too funny.

Odd because different from yours, KERALA1? Too funny.

Yes I do apologise I shouldn't have used the word odd - I actually meant loony.

Accusing anyone hosting a party of only doing so in order to give the hoster the chance to nose round others houses is bonkers.

Lol at all of these people who won't even have someone back for a cup of tea because their house is too small - and the rest of us live in palaces? We went to a friend’s New Year’s party in his studio flat. There were nine of us. There was food (slow cooker stew and microwave rice as he doesn’t have a cooker, followed by a pudding supplied by one of the guests), there was alcohol, there was music and dancing. It was a fabulous evening.

Rousette - re The Cull

What I’ve also done with The Culled is add a note to their Christmas card “be lovely to see you all in the new year - can we arrange a lunch?”

Which means lunch at theirs, not mine. But none have ever replied.

The moser prolific hoster in our group has the smallest house, smallest budget and warmest heart.

I have hosted many many guests and held many dinner parties over the years when I had not much and when I was more financially stable. I am of the view that I give unconditionally. There is no expectation on my part to be invited back. Not everyone has the time, funds, ability or mindset to do so. If they enjoyed my hospitality then great.

I will say, there are some lovely guests on this thread... those that say they really suffer with anxiety but do their best to make up for it being generous and thoughtful in gifts and other things and really appreciate being able to go to others' houses. You are not the people we are talking about!

Unfortunately, there are those who hint at anxiety when really that is an excuse because it's more 'there is no way I'm have people here whatever the circumstances, because I don't want to. I want to go to other peoples houses'. Look at 'LittleBird' further upthread, she bit the bullet and is a natural at entertaining now!

I hate the attitude if you don't want to do it, just don't do it. If I felt like that, me and Mr Rou would not know a broad group of people in our area who have enriched our lives. My DH has got involved in a really great hobby from someone he developed a frienship with via a do here. I've mixed up groups of people, introduced people to people, do we all just have to not do it and shut our doors on what's out there, because if we all had that mindset, life would be poorer for it. Isn't life about human interaction? and by putting yourself out there and making an effort and having people round you are contributing to that. Try it for 2018!

I've been over 20 years in this house and some of my fondest memories are from having friends and locals here enjoying themselves, laughing, dancing, drinking eating... it's really worth it.

What I’ve also done with The Culled is add a note to their Christmas card “be lovely to see you all in the new year - can we arrange a lunch?”

Taffeta I am at one particularly Cullee. She would honestly reply 'which day shall I come round?' She has more front than Brighton!

some of my fondest memories are from having friends and locals here enjoying themselves, laughing, dancing, drinking eating... it's really worth it

This.

Rousette - with those, the only reply is “We we’re thinking we’d come to you. When works?”

Fire with fire 🔥

Taff she'd run a mile and literally not reply and then when I saw her next somewhere, she'd do the fake 'are you OK, I was a bit worried about you' thing. Like I had a mental aberration!

No more!

@DailyMailBestForBums really lovely post

Rousette - perfect! That’s the response I’d expect too from those types - but in the meantime you have assuaged any guilt and proved a point!

Applauds Rousette second every word.

Plus I want my kids growing up and seeing modelled a warm sociable house not a tense "never a soul allowed into my sanctuary" type one. But thats just my preference.

Taffeta

Love it!!!! You could have a lot of fun with your annual Christmas card messages :) over the years.

On balance you are right there are the grateful natural shy ones that struggle with hosting, the anxious ones that feel judged and inadequate and then the CFS that need avoiding at all costs and just blithely accept invites and take all they can get without ever feeling that they should return the hospitality.

The key is most definitely to try to identify the CF before an invitation. That's the tricky part. One that requires intuition and observation. A road test or two....nothing wrong with blatant culling... after all they are certainly not entitled to your hospitality.

I wonder if some of it is to do with childhood. My parents used to entertain a lot. But they were older parents, and it was formal and horrible and I hated it. All their friends asking me how I was doing at school and having to say the right thing and pass round stuffed eggs and smile.

It scarred me, and you'd think I would hate party giving because it was an awful experience but I think I've tried to redo it in a fun way. My adult DCs can do what they want, with big parties they used to come to the early part then go off clubbing with their friends, or they can not come at all, their choice, no making polite conversation. Because there's no pressure, they love having people here if they're around. I want dos to be casual, easy and fun... just lots of drink and a 'here's your first drink, now help yourself, it's all out in the garage' type thing.

Interesting re what your parents did. Mine were big party givers, I remember handing round the nuts when 10+ but when younger sneaking a peek from upstairs, wide eyed at all the cackling adults. Their parties were great and I suppose I’ve always wanted to emulate them.

I’ve younger DC (11&14) - we had a few years off big parties when they were weeny ( had smaller groups of people over for supper instead then ) but started up again when the youngest was about 5. Lots of children at our parties, but they tend to secrete themselves upstairs until they come hunting for refreshments.

On balance you are right there are the grateful natural shy ones that struggle with hosting, the anxious ones that feel judged and inadequate and then the CFS that need avoiding at all costs and just blithely accept invites and take all they can get without ever feeling that they should return the hospitality

There are also people who aren’t really CF but are just a bit lazy and unthinking.

One of my friends have hosted a big summer BBQ party for the last few years. The didn’t do it this year for various reasons and so many people in our group were all like “what a shame, it was such a good way to all get together, now we won’t all see each other” THEN WHH DONT YOU ORGANISE SOMETHING THEN!?

I’ve def hosted more than my fair share for our social group this year and the people that have met evenen invites me back to theirs for dinner are working their way off my invite list.

And no, none of my friends have any of the myriad of issues claimed on this thread. None of my friends live in shit holes. None of my friends live with someone who smears shit on the walls.

Rou

You have a point, my childhood definitely affected me in the opposite way. My mother was not allowed to host dinner or parties at our house, so I grew up not knowing how to host or cook or make others comfortable,.

Therefore I am so out of my comfort zone hosting and find it terribly hard. I am life and soul at other people's houses, but in my own I feel insecure. It is for this very reason I am forcing myself to be better, to learn, to swallow the nerves and do it anyway. I want my dc to grow up feeling completely at ease with a house full of friends, cooking and entertaining. I don't want them turning out like me.

The other reason is also I know I will lose my treasured and much loved friends eventually if I do not learn how to do this...if I do not bite the bullet. Eventually they will get fed up (as I would) and it might take months or years but eventually I will get the message in the christmas card :) and my life would be infinitely poorer for it.

Fluffy

Adding to the list, yes the can't be bothered/we are too busy are probably the worst.

Everyone is busy

Everyone is tired.

I have more respect for the CF at least they have have a well thought out game plan. The 'can't be bothered' will just shed friends until they wake up one day on their own without a single invite and a shed load of christmas cards with various coded references and wonder how it all went so very wrong -probably blaming others for their predicament-

littlebird - if I had a friend as you, I’d really like for them to tell me what you’ve just shared. I’d then understand and not expect to be invited round, but rather might make more of an effort to see you & your family in other ways.

It’s the lack of contact/initiation that hurts me - the thought that people are fine to come to my house if I arrange something, but I’m not good enough for you to contact me and arrange something iykwim?

But we can't host because they have small kids so would have to get sitters (seems a waste of a sitter)

This must be the worst excuse ever .

I've happily paid a sitter so I can go to next doors party.

Parties can be expensive though. Food and drink for 20 people adds up and I think a lot of people just can't afford to throw parties.