Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

rcit
Would you prefer people like me to decline your invitations?
I wouldn't invite someone with your attitudes and beliefs into my home. So don't worry about that hypothetical situation.

Eh? I've heard of guests being nosey, but bit of a stretch to say hosts are nosey before they have been invited anywhere yet!

Have you ever considered that you might be invited somewhere because people simply like your company?

I certainly don't cook and clean for two days so I can sneak a peak in my neighbour's underwear drawer

Guilty as charged for most of the reasons stated by nomorechickens However I do invite over for drinks in the garden in the summer and always for a cuppa or to share dinner in an impromptu fashion if there is just one or two people who pop by at the time. The idea of inviting several people in advance is daunting.

Good grief, us hosters are the spawn of the devil. Not only do we invite people into our homes continually, provide food/drink/entertainment/fun year after year, but we're so desperate we only do it so we can have a nose at other people's houses because we're angling for invites. I've heard it all now! I've been waiting for this nosiness treat for about 40 parties! Desperate I am ...

I have no desire to nose round someone's house... with my CFers, I wouldn't mind sitting in the garden, staring at a bush with a glass in my hand, quite happy with that but it ain't happening

We don't host parties, dinners, or get togethers as we're just crap at organising stuff, and our home isn't the type of house that people have who entertain.
It's great for us, but I notice when we go to others how well they are designed for this, even the gardens for barbecues.
Our friends know we won't host and aren't bothered that we go to them, if at all.
We don't accept invitations though unless close family and friends.
Our friends we can count on two hands
I never go empty handed though, always a couple of good bottles of wine, a sweet( pudding) chocs, flowers etc

Two sets of friends who regularly come and stay with us in school holidays (we now live approx 3 hours away - moved 5 years ago). Not once has either of them invited us to stay with them when we have been back to their area visiting them and other friends - we have paid for hotels instead. Neither set brings even a bag of crisps let alone a bottle of wine as a ‘contribution’ when they stay. Am staying strong and not inviting them this year. If they hint about coming, the hints will not be picked up. They both have bigger houses than us so accommodating us not an issue. Has made me pretty resentful after 5 years. I agree with the “givers and takers in life” theory!

Am staying strong and not inviting them this year
Understandable. They do not sound nice BBFC

I did it once. It was really stressful for me to cater for what I thought would make everyone happy. A couple of the guests complained about the nibbles not being satisfactory. Since then, I've never put myself through the stress of it, but I LOVE going to other people's house parties.

Littlebird you are my shining example!
The thought of hosting sends me into panic, I would love to be able to do it but even a children's party has me worried and on edge all week before. I can't exactly say why it's just always been like that and only recently have I realised most people don't understand what that's like.

My parents hosted fantastic parties when I was growing up, they were always encouraging me to have parties when most parents are discouraging their teenage children. My brother turned the shed into a bar and always had friends round. But the thought just made me very uncomfortable. I would so love to be able to have parties like that and feel relaxed about it.

My husband invited our neighbours over for a drink at Christmas and I instantly felt panicky and tried to think of reasons why not.
It's horrid and I hate being like it but I'm not sure it will ever change.

I would LOVE to reciprocate the neighbours as they all take it in turns to host (except for us and 2 other couples)

But we can't host because they have small kids so would have to get sitters (seems a waste of a sitter)
As our house isn't kid proof ( and literally nothing for the kids to do here)

Our dog is mental around visitors so would have to send him to MILs (which they would think is odd!!)

So instead of hosting we make sure we take PLENTY of food and drink to other people's.

We've never actually given people the reasons why we never host and they probably think we are just being elusive or rude ...
but I hope not :-/

Also lacking space at our house!

I dont have the confidence to host.

Am totally on Gillybeanz page. This is far from unusual. The people I know who seem to like entertaining, have houses that are suitable for entertaining. And it's really awkward returning the favour, when you can only squeeze in two people to their twenty

@snowpo I wish I could explain why it makes me feel so stressed. There's not a lot of things that stress me, but having people round is one of them. Even if I have someone over for coffee, I panic about the state of the kitchen, what biscuits I've got it, if they'll object to full fat milk. Imagine if I were to have a proper party!

I'm guilty of this. I'd love nothing more than to be able to host parties in my home but my kitchen is a shoebox, and a very very dated one at that. I've done a lot of work to the lounge/ dining area but it's still small and awkward. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of it frankly. Plus parking is difficult. I feel bad for not reciprocating but all my friends have much nicer, bigger homes and it takes all my bravery just to host an informal play date!

Tiny house here too. I always over-compensate with extravagant host/hostess gifts when we are entertained as I am SO grateful to all you party givers - please don’t give up on all of us non-reciprocators!

@myusernameisbob Well said. I also compensate and would be gutted if others gave up hosting.

"only recently have I understood that most people don't understand what that's like"

Most people may not understand but you might be be surprised at how many do Snowpoo. ....I honestly "get" it and have and do experience that myself (usually depending on who's coming but sometimes just arbitrarily). I would love to be able to be more relaxed too! Usually the event itself is not half as bad as the build up though. One of my sister's hosts a lot and although very practised, she says she gets more nervous as she gets older.

Argh - sisters

We always get invited to BIl and Sil's New Year party (open house) but the invite is only for dh and I and not our grown up children, their partners or our 2 young grandchildren.

Every time we have invited Bil and Sil to a party at ours they turn up with their two grown up children, their partners and 3 grandchildren and two dogs!! They know our place is small. The final straw was when their dog pee'd on my lounge carpet the minute they arrived for a BBQ last summer. My own dog then felt the need to pee in the same spot even though he had never pee'd indoors since a puppy. They only live locally so could easily leave the dogs at home or pop back to let them out.

Parties usually result in someone taking the Mick but that is just how it goes. I must admit I prefer small groups and dinner parties these days. I have gone off open house style parties.

We have an acquaintance who’s son is a school friend of our son and lives around the corner. She’s a nice lady, but we probably wouldn’t socialise with her if our kids didn’t want to meet up after school. Obviously, this sometimes happens when you have kids. It’s all pleasant and sociable, but we’re never going to be lifelong friends. When impromptu play dates happen after school, we’re more than happy to have them over. A coffee and and an affable chat. Cool. The kids get out every single toy and the place is chaos, but there are four siblings aged 5-6 so that’s just something you have to live with. Thing is we never get an invite to her house. She’s also dropped by our house unannounced a couple of times and stayed for an hour or two, but the only time one of us sees inside their house is when she’s asked us to feed her cat. Maybe we’re doormats, but it isn’t a big deal to us and we like our kids socialising. We’re slightly mystified, but I assume there is some sort of reason.

Getting back to the OP, I think that if you are happy to be the hosts-with-the-most (and your shindigs are obviously a hit), then carry on with it as long as you are getting enjoyment out of it. If you feel irked by the non-reciprocation and it’s making you unhappy, then take a step back as you have done this Christmas.

For those who don't RTFT, here's a quick clarification and summary:
This is not about the expectation of a tit for tat immediate reciprocal invitation. It's curiosity as to why some host /guest interactions appear to become so imbalanced over a period of years... sometimes 10-20 and more
"Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?"

Two broad categories seem to exist
A) Those who can't reciprocate
B) Those who won't reciprocate

Group A "Those who can't"
Includes reasons of

• Space
• Location
• State (being mid-renovation etc)
• Decor, Furnishings, Equipment
• Others (loved ones, DCs, OHs, or pets etc) that make welcoming guests challenging
• Financial Constraints
• Emotional / Psychological Reasons (e.g. those with MH issues, severe anxiety, extreme introversion, hoarding and the need to protect their own home as a space of safety and security)

If you are genuinely in Group A Can't- we have heard you and understand.

However - none of the above list apply to the people I am referring to. So they are really in Group B.. Won't...I should have made this distinction from the start.

Come on Roussette and Subtle. In your summing up of host crimes you have missed one that has been pointed out several times on this thread.

Our friends aren’t our ‘real friends’ and we are deluded. That is why anybody inviting any kind of friend other than bosom buddies of 20 years’ standing, whose homes (sorry, sacred private spaces) they regularly visit on a 1:1 basis, to their house, deserves everything they get and shouldn’t expect reciprocation. Yes.

Because there can’t possibly be different types of friends. No.