Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I worry about the mess myself. I'd worry others wouldn't take so much care in my house as I do in theirs. Selfish I suppose. You're very kind doing those parties.

Clara that was the 2017 me. The 2018 me will only be available to some.

Yes little bird I'm impressed. I love having a houseful. My advice is prepare ahead. I clean the day before, buy fresh flowers, stock up on candles or dig out fairy lights.Get food done ahead if possible, put some music on to avoid any lulls and silence and get people a drink asap. Just make people feel really welcome in your home and the rest will flow.

Astrid you are spot on. It is also a bit sad because if bonds losens when you stop hosting you wonder what was there anyway. It is a bit sad but you know what, sod it. To new more fulfilling friendships I say.

newt - re The Cull

It wasn’t without grief. I culled about 6 families, based on how often I saw them (apart from at our party, never), and whether they’d ever invited us to anything. They were all also people that I know were sociable and invited others to their houses, but not us.

All knew others that hadn’t been culled, which made things tricky but I was prepared if questioned ( which I was, by others ) to justify my decision. So when I was texting everyone the date of the party, I just didn’t text them.

One decided to rock up anyway. With an uninvited relative as well. And then post pictures on social media of them at the party. Which culled people could see. I was angry about it for a long time.

It won’t happen again. I made my thoughts on it very clear to anyone that would listen after the party, for about a year.

Taffeta

I need a bit of your backbone, can you spare it?! I'm going for the cull this year...
I have nothing planned yet but when I do (which is inevitable) I just am determined to leave off my CFers. I think there's going to be a few ripples here...

A funny story on this theme...
When we were first married we knew this couple and we'd had them round to ours a few times, a meal once, drinks another time, wine in the garden, a BBQ etc.

I was thinking I wouldn't do it anymore as we'd put in a lot of effort and they'd never ever mentioned us coming to them, then out the blue they asked us for a BBQ. I distinctly remember they said 'would you like to come on Sunday for a BBQ (this is relevant)

Off we went on Sunday, bottle in hand for them. Into the garden. They offered us a glass of wine/beer and we sat there, chatting. No sign of a barbecue. No sign of food, nothing. We chatted some more. Another glass of wine was offered. Still nothing. 3 hours later we came home. No bbq materialised! Me and DH still laugh about it now, very weird!

Because they don’t like hosting and you do it so well? Not sure why this bothers people really. You don’t have a party to be invited back!!! If you don’t want to host anymore then stop

I am not great at hosting but had a NYE party this year. It has changed my perspective a lot. It took one day to shop/prepare and two days to clear up! Also, i always thought i was a generous guest but my guests were ridiculously generous so will need to up the ante on my contributions in future.

All power to you Rousette. In the end it will be easier than you think..

Roussette

I will consider myself a social pro if I EVER get to the stage of needing a cull!!!! I would be happy with just getting through one more evening without a huge faux pas.

Consider yourself very lucky if you have reached the cull level. I can't think I will ever make it. I do have a quiet rule that I only ever friends I really like and those that appreciate my efforts, I could not endure this for friends I feel take advantage. It must be a horrible feeling.

I am sure there is a tactful way to say you were doing something smaller this year, and will be happy to catch up with them soon....or you could just tell them how it is... shame we may never know how it went!

Start a new thread afterwards called the cull!

So well said nomorechickens!
First reply and spot on!!
Can you be my advice giver please 👌🏼😂😘

IamLucyBarton good for you. I used to do parties but never get asked anywhere apart from a couple. When my dad got ill a couple of years ago I found out who my true friends were. Lots of sunshine ones not real ones sadly x

For all those posters saying they won't do it because they're introverted, what I do (I like hosting) is organise the event and then DH (classic introvert) lurks in the kitchen most of the night. Result: he gets loads of praise and love (and, I suspect, reads classic car magazines and argues with people on Twitter in between loading the dishwasher) while I get to have people round. It works for us, anyway. I noticed BIL joined him for introverted lurking on Boxing Day!

Taffeta - they invite you to a BBQ but no BBQ? 😀

Tommo75 she is very kind indeed :)

Every year, every single get together, my DH's family all come to us. In 20 years I have only had one invite back to SILs, and that was because I forced the issue. Im pissed off. I don't think any of them have any idea the amount of work and money goes into catering for 12 people, often for a weekend because they never do it. Yes we have more space than the rest now, but we didn't always. They still came to mine when we had a tiny 2 bed place. I'd happily never invite them again but that would destroy what is otherwise a friendly family dynamic. CFs all of them

OP the xmas drinks one is a funny one. If someone always holds one other people will refrain from organising one for fear of clashing with theirs or upsetting them. Same situation here. A neighbour always hosts, every year, on the most obvious weekend before xmas. If they didn't I would invite people to mine. As they do I don't. Catch 22.

I used to ask the same question, being a generous hostess in the past. Then my circumstances changed, I moved house to a tiny, shabby little place; my now limited income meant that I could not afford to decorate/renovate as I would like. I wear ancient clothes but present well enough that people assume that I am well-off, though I make no such pretences. I miss my old life but it particularly stings when I learn that people I was kind to make comments such as "Oh, I thought that she would have had a nicer house than that." I don't invite people over anymore - and yes, I feel guilty, but am generous with the gifts that I bring with me when invited anywhere as a guest.

Thank you LittleBird, yes I must start my own thread if I get to 'The Cull' because I really have smashed into Francine's thread far too much. It was just cathartic typing about it! (sorry Francine)

Anann that is awful - you are better off not socialising with rude and unkind people like that - and it's their loss.

A bit miffed at suggestion below that people host because they "want to be the centre of attention"; if you are doing it properly, good hosting means putting others first.

And no it's not "stupid" to say some people are givers and some takers, if, after many years, that has been your personal experience.

A friend once told me that she invited people twice and if they didn't invite her family back, she didn't invite them again. I thought it was good advice and have stopped inviting friends who were taking the piss! it means you don't see them that often but better that than feeling annoyed that they never reciprocate!

I totally understand what you mean but I think you also know what you need to do.

I would not host anything in the future and when asked tell the truth. Back in the day I would’ve been exactly like you but I’ve realised if people treat you the way you allow them to and therefore you cannot blame anyone else.

I get some people don’t have space yadee yadee whatever but it’s not too difficult to at least bring a dish.

I suffer from anxiety and have hosted and the days leading upto it I’ve been a wreck not sleeping and generally on edge but I wouldn’t dream of going to someones regularly if I couldn’t reciprocate.

You've helped me hugely Rousette. Thank you

I absolutely hate hosting and avoid it completely. Why do you want to make people like me do things they hate?

OP if you like hosting and entertaining, then you go ahead and invite people round. Why can you not accept that other people hate hosting and entertaining. Would you prefer people like me decline your invitations so that we don’t have to reciprocate?

I hate having my space invaded. It’s my private sanctuary, vital to my mental health and it’s staying that way.

Also plenty of “willing and generous hosts” are just nosy parkers fishing for invitations to their guests’ houses.

Oh so hosts are nosey parkers as well as attention seekers now...

I think I have heard it all now... .

Personal experience - definitely some nosy hosts around. Just like the people who view houses for sale with no intention of buying them - just want to see inside.

I’ve known two people like those I describe.