Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

Do you ask people to bring a bottle/beers/food/nibbles etc?
If no, then defo ask them nex time.
Perhaps everybody feels comfortable coming to yours if you do lovely parties....but it’s taking the pee if not a single one of them take a turn to host back.

I’m guessing though that they’re not close friends? Otherwise you’d surely just text and say “shall I pop in for a cuppa this afternoon?”
If anybody mentions you not hosting one this year, just reply something lighthearted like “well I’m a bit hosted-out!”
Perhaps then they will get the message.

Next year, why don’t you suggest to them all about sharing cost of village hall for an evening and everybody bringing pot luck supper and own alcohol etc. Most people are easy and just want a get together and wouldnt mind at all.

We used to have people for dinner or drinks occasionally, until DH's clutter became so ridiculous that we stopped hosting - it would be barely possible now.

As we no longer reciprocate, we no longer get invited anywhere very often

For those anxious about hosting ...

The first time I knew that a friendship I had with someone had moved from us enjoying one another's company to being 'proper' close friends, was when she invited me to her house at the last minute to discuss a joint project (up to that point we had only seen one another at our respective homes for more formal meet ups with dhs) and her house (she had young DC at the time) was messy, toys all over the floor, crumbs over the surfaces etc, sink in need of a scrub etc. And yes I noticed those things but felt honoured that she had judged that I wouldn't judge ifysim, and that she felt comfortable inviting me in when her house was messy because it indicated that we had moved beyond social niceties on to something 'genuine' ifyswim... We are still close 14 yrs later even though she lives in another country now.

So as long as you are offering genuine hospitality and warmth (or even just an attitude open to friendship) when you host, no decent person will give a shit about the food or the decor or your flatulent terrier or whatever ... .

Make it about others - not about yourself - you'll be pleasantly surprised ... .

Lady you sound like the dictionary definition of a classy host. It should be people doing it because they want to, because it's with people they like.

I am getting the feeling that a lot of the guests people are talking about are more like aquaintences hence the no "fancy a coffee at X on Saturday" that they'd be happy with - I prob wouldn't do that with someone I didn't really know, too 'intimate' and definitely would be if it was in my own home.

I'd like to know how people actually execute the cull.
We host a regular large NYE party and have done for years, it's quite an effort but we have a large house (and are thick skinned about it's tattiness) and we enjoy it. Over the years we have added people to the list of invitees, inevitably this means we need to drop some off...most people who aren't invited don't turn up- but some do- or will call up to ask if we are having the party and are they invited? what do you say to someone you hadn't planned to invite and haven't spoken to for a year?

I did a lot of hosting when my DC were younger but I've gone right off it now.
Also, there are people who are happy to turn up just to socialise and have fun and dont care what the house is like (as in when we had building work going on) and there are people who want to compare cooking like a bake off judge, houses, outfits, cars children and are generally so materialistic etc.. I find the latter so stressful, it's put me right off hosting and attending those kinds of things now.
I'd rather go out and enjoy myself somewhere new, instead of doing 99% of the work or feeling guilty that the hostess has. I find it's more equal and everyone is more relaxed.

ppeatfruit, thanks for the good wishes. Well, he took some of his things, then used the things he didn't immediately need into a control thing, through the divorce. He'd wait until I was away then urgently need something, keeping ringing me to come back and then when I did get it for him, didn't come and pick it up, but because it was downstairs in the living room I couldn't put the fire on for example. I had to sort out everything of his, and drop it round [closer than the tip] He ended up coming for his 'final' pick up just a couple of days before Christmas, so couldn't put up tree til afterward he did that ; he couldn't decide, so had to sort another couple of dates, and then, in the end, said he only wanted a few things, that held up the decree absolute for another 3 months. So I was left with even more things to clear out. And am still finding things 18 months later and he is still pestering me on occasion for things he thinks I have. And until I get clearer the thought of people over is just too triggering, Anyway he still lives locally and I know he asks people for details of what I'm doing.

But when invited to something I'd never dream of going emptyhanded, and am always happy to meet friends out and about for a walk or coffee or curry or a lunch at church

*Maybe their house is messy, untidy or small and they are embarrassed about it. Maybe they have anxiety and find it stressful to host. Maybe they are shy. Maybe they have a shouty teen, incontinent relative, aggressive cat, barky dog living with them and feel it's not a good environment for guests. Maybe they can't afford the extra food and drink. Maybe they are not socially confident and were not brought up to have people round. Maybe you do it so well that they think their offering would be inferior. Maybe they are worried that people wouldn't turn up and they would be humiliated.

Well yes, maybe they are all/any of those things. So was I, until I got a grip and did it anyway. That's how confidence grows. By feeling the fear and doing it anyway. People don't expect it to be like a five star hotel, they just appreciate being asked, even if just for a coffee and cake.

They obviously enjoy going to yours so why not carry on?

Because after a while it becomes demoralising. You start to question whether people really even like you or whether they just come out of habit or a sense of obligation? Or because it's free. And as much as I am very comfortable hosting I'd really like to be invited somewhere else for a change.

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to stop hosting all my friends who never reciprocate. I've had enough. I feel taken for granted. I wonder how long it will take them for the penny to drop.

Astrid are you another one who has friends who have never said "fancy coming X" or "were going for a meal next week,, fancy it?" Or whatever? never been in their home (I do think there's a difference between having one friend over for a coffee and catch up (and the must-have cake!) And having 4 or 5 or more over in a more organised food/drink thing which I don't do)

I dare say these people aren't friends anyway.

YABU. I hate the stress of hosting. It exacerbates my anxiety. If friends invite me over, I come laden with food and drink to make up for the fact that I don't tend to reciprocate. Don't get me wrong, I invite friends over for a cuppa and cake but when it comes to anything more, the anxiety kicks in.

How stupid of some posters to say that there are 'givers' and 'takers'. Good for all of you people who revel in being host. Some people are more introvert. Start being more open-minded and accept that not everyone wants to be centre of attention 24/7

(but as a side I wish people wouldn't brush off anxiety as just something that can be easily overcome - often it really, really isn't, and if medication can't help throwing yourself into a situation sure to make you ill certainly won't ime)

I have a big anxiety about people coming to my house and always have done. I have this fantasy in my head where people come for coffee or I host a dinner party (as I'm a good cook) but the reality is I'm anxious as anything when people are in my house and I would worry like mad, no matter how much I liked them, what time they were going home. If they said "we'll go at 11pm" I'd be fine at knowing that. But my GAD makes me worry when they would be going and obviously it would be very rude to ask them this..

So I'm fine at going to people's homes but feel very unsettled at them being at mine. This thread has me now wondering if they wonder why I never invite them?

Well yes, maybe they are all/any of those things. So was I, until I got a grip and did it anyway. That's how confidence grows. By feeling the fear and doing it anyway. People don't expect it to be like a five star hotel, they just appreciate being asked, even if just for a coffee and cake.

Oh give over! You've clearly never suffered that badly then! If you stop hosting as a NY resolution, I suspect none of your friends will bat an eyelid because most people don't base their friendships on how good a host their friends are

Tell your good friends ain't! They will understand

I usued to do same, play dates, summer parties always on mine. Never got a invite neither my kids to theirs. I stop it. Some mothers went crazy bat shit like they own my place, stop talk to them also. Much better after I stop, now only invite people if they did invite me first. Should we have a playdate ?

most people who aren't invited don't turn up- but some do- or will call up to ask if we are having the party and are they invited? what do you say to someone you hadn't planned to invite and haven't spoken to for a year?

CFers! I'd just say 'yes, we are having a Do, but a much smaller one because it's such hard work. Sorry!'

Yep that one is easy newtlover 'yes we are but unfortunately we've already reached full capacity! Would be lovely to get together soon though, call me in the new year!'

"If they said "we'll go at 11pm" I'd be fine at knowing that. But my GAD makes me worry when they would be going and obviously it would be very rude to ask them this.."

I tell guests beforehand when it finishes. 'Come for drinks at 7, dinner at 8, though we'll have to be in bed for 1130 as we have plans the next day. See you soon!' Anyone close enough to come to your home isn't gonna feel it's weird you need to know what time it's wrapping up, and most will be relieved to know also. If my OH wants to carry on and I want to go to bed I'll just say goodnight and go 😂

I am a really private person, it takes me a long time to get to know friends and to feel relaxed about them being in my private space. For me it is whole level of intimacy to share my home, as it is the only place I can genuinely relax and feel quiet. My dh is even worse and hates hosting and hates going to any social event of any description.

We have accepted invites because we really like our friends, and I especially love to spend time with them. It is an honour to be invited and welcomed, and I enjoy knowing them better and being part of their lives.

BUT

In the last year to eighteen months I have started to invite friends over for dinners, one big summer party and now christmas. I figured I need to teach my dc how to host, be relaxed otherwise they will grow up socially anxious. But most importantly I wanted to return the kindness shown to us.

I did get (very very very) nervous, and I did plan with military precision for ages before, and it went brilliantly!!! I even started to quite enjoy the last one :)

The point is for those of you that can not face it, try it with a good selection of easy going friends. It has deepened my friendships and made me realise my sanctuary can be shared and enjoyed, and many memories are made with the happy evenings we have had. It was still my lovely quiet sanctuary afterwards with the added bonus of laughter and fun that filled the space for a few hours.

Do you know I've got to this point now where I am always asking people out to the point where I've more than happily offered to pick people up and go out of my way, but no invites from anyone. I think it's the way of life here though... or I smell - perhaps the latter (sniffs armpits)
If you enjoy it carry on, if not then don't x

I have the same issue DH family. He has siblings all around our age. We all get on and they come to ours for Sunday lunch, bbqs etc and never invite us. They often don't bring even bring a bottle or contribution either and all drink and eat plenty. We don't do anything special. It might be a big pot of chilli or bbq and salads , no fancy dinner parties here. It does put us off. It's interesting to hear why some others don't reciprocate .

What a lovely post littlebird I bet your party and dinners were wonderful.

Bravo Littlebird!

The thing is... if you are a natural host (me) you don't mind doing it. But when you do it again and again and again over years and years, you do start to get resentful. And that's not right because I throw fun parties, drinks, and now I am starting to pull back, the bond weakens between us all. I don't care if someone does it just once, I don't care if it's a glass of warm wine and a cheesy wotsit, but never doing it or even being grateful to the person who always does, TBH is just taking the piss.

That is exactly how I feel.