Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

"Come to the park"/similar is just a normal friend interaction surely? Surely if you're friendly enough with people to invite them for a party etc on a number of occasions then you'll have some sort of "shall we grab a coffee" from them at some point?

If not then they are surely just acquaintances and not really that important anyway?

YY to what Taffeta is saying. And others.

There are two broad categories
A) Those who can't
B) Those who won't

Group A "Those who can't"
Includes reasons of

• Space
• State (being mid-renovation etc)
• Others (loved ones, DS, OHs, or pets etc) that make welcoming guests challenging
• Economic
• Emotional / Psychological (e.g. those with severe anxiety, extreme introversion, hoarding and the need to protect their own home as a space of safety and security)

All of the above are completely understandable and would receive sympathy and compassion from me - if you were comfortable enough to let me know and not leave me speculating for 10 or more years

If you are in Group A - we get it and understand

You do not need to feel under pressure to comment or participate.

So agree with taffeta and Kerali except for me with one couple it's honestly not a couple of years but coming up a couple of decades! There are some social things I organise where they are included, if she doesn't want me in her home, why doesn't she offer to help with organising that?

As hosters on here have said time and time again, it's never ever tit for tat, we don't expect to be reciprocated with a big party/dinner party whatever. It's just a token something so that you don't feel the lazy gits are taking the piss.

2018 is going to be the year of the cull for me. However, it could make life very difficult because my CFers are part of a large group but I shall try my best

Rousette, it sounds like it's high time you make that cull. Have people in your home that bring you happiness. You don't need to give any explanations to anyone else.

Rousette and they/one of them has honestly never ever said "fancy going for a coffee?" or similar token? Never brought a gift for the host? Never said "fancy going for a drink/meal"? Never?

oh god so many times! we even had a dinner party in a building site when we were working on our house but there are so many who just never return invites. For some we know that they host dinners and parties (the curse of social media..) but not to us. We always return an invite - something that I have to work on with DH as he's come from a family that doesnt invite people round but rarely does he not have a great time and is a wonderful host.
DH says its because of the food - I like cooking and really enjoy making and effort for guests, I totally get that this is hell for many people and pizza would be fine
We are guilty with one set of friends not going to theirs but it means an overnight stay and we both get nightmares in their house, its really freaky!

Perhaps they're just scabbing buggers, who want a free nosh-up! One wonders if they ever bring a bottle, or offer to help with food? Hmm.

I would never host any party as my house is way too small for the 5 of us and I have nowhere to temporarily put any of our clutter. Mind you, I only accept invites from lifelong family friends and family though, I'd never go to a neighbour's or school Mum's house as I am very introverted.

In my circle of friends, there are several people that organise parties and mass gatherings through the year. Not everyone hosts things like that but either 1-2-1 or in a smaller group, most people see each other through the year.

I think that this hosting thing isn't just about having party/gathering invitations reciprocated, but about friends putting as much into the friendship as you do.

A few of my friends don't like social gatherings. If they do come, they stay on the edges (keeping an eye out for a cat to stroke) and leave as soon as it's late enough for it to be polite. Which is fine, but I also see these friends at other times when we do things that they are comfortable with.

I've hosted parties in the last couple of years and it's cost a fortune in alcohol, although bring a bottle was not expected. If it was, I'd specify on the invitation or ask for money to go into a kitty.

I'd love to entertain more but dont have the space. When we go to friends who host I always take wine, flowers etc. and arrange lunches out etc. The friends are aware of our situation and wouldnt want to be crammed in just so we felt able to reciprocate. I'd have thought most folk with the room and inclination to host bashes take an element of pleasure of being able to share their homes, do these things and don't expect much more than good company in return, but guess they'll always be a few freeloaders - I say just cut them off next time!

Some people just don’t like hosting, haven’t got the space, don’t want the hassle or just don’t enjoy it.

If people are accepting your invites but merrily enjoying their own parties without you, they just aren’t into you enough to let you into their gang and I agree that’s really cheeky. It’s really hard to persuade some people to try and give a new friendship a go though as many people are very set in their friendships and feel their lives are full. Sad.

Looking at it another way, if one person hosts the same type of event every year (eg bank holiday BBQ) people would assume the hosts enjoy it and to set up an alternative could be seen as 'stepping on toes' and spoiling a 'tradition', so people don't bother.

Honestly Lovesgin no. We have one DC the same age, we go back a long long way, I've helped her out over the years. We're part of a small community... if they come to a big party here, they will bring a bottle, but for drinks before a social thing we do, never bring anything and are first to ring the doorbell! The organising thing I do twice a year, she's the first to be difficult with where she's sitting, what time, what other people are bringing/doing etc. We go to a big DJ function charity thing every other year, (drinks here first) it's a nightmare sorting out who's sitting where and she's never happy. I have just about lost patience actually so this thread has been very useful.

chacha I wish that were the case. I had a fallow year, no one stepped in. It just didn't happen

@TheOrigRightsofwomen I’ve been there too and the liberation is wonderful!

I would love to host, but don’t have the confidence to do so. Would happily bring lots to contribute.

Having said that I host a lot of children’s stuff and it never gets reciprocated and pees me right off. Especially when some people blatantly hold other kids events and don’t invite back. Very rude indeed.

Personally I hate people in my house. I detest unannounced visitors and I am fussy about my house and the it looks. Open my doors to all and sundry would tip me over the edge!!

Tbf then that is a bit off is she's never ever said "what you up to next Saturday fancy a drink at X" or suggesting doing a bit of retail therapy together or taking the kids somewhere

I'm strangely pleased that I'm no longer in the cf camp as I do those things and more, I just don't host stuff in my home.

I wouldn't want the NDNs checking out my house in the first place! Some of them round here are a bit 'light fingered'.
And we don't like parties in the first place.

We host a lot - Christmas drinks, new year, summer BBQs. We are lucky - we have a big house, a big garden, and the finances to do it. I don't host expecting reciprocation. All our guests turn up with drinks/ food as required, and we love being with them. Some friends have smaller houses; some can't cope with the mess; some have pets; some live too far away. I'd rather have them here having fun, than sit here alone.

This is where I’m a little of both. I do not host parties or have lots of guests over. I can’t. Our flat is overcrowded as it is and whilst we are saving for somewhere larger, it’s going to be a while before we have space. There is no “guest” parking in our private estate and our only bathroom is very small and right next to the sitting room and kitchen. There are also rules for our block of apartments that we should not make any noise that can be heard outside our apartment after 8pm.

However I am happy for one or two people to pop in for a cup of tea or a quiet lunch or girlie night. So I can’t reciprocate a party but I can do other things.

I feel bad we haven't done NYE for years but there simply isn't enough physical space for friends to stay- they all have bigger houses and we can't not invite some of them. I dream of having a bigger house and this is one reason why. Also worry about entertaining the children, we don't have a cinema room or games consoles etc etc. Do try to be a good guest though as I know the effort involved.