Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

KERALA1 I agree! I think it's nice that people tend to see the best in others and if there are two possible explanations (they're selfish takers or are riddled with extreme anxiety and incapable) they go with the latter most of the time.

Even if the latter is you it doesn't mean everyone else is like that.

It's just another example of mundanes being wierd, really. Everyone has to do things just like you do, and every interaction has to be equally balanced - so if you like hosting, everyone you invite has to invite you over, whether they like it or not otherwise WAAAAA SNOT FAAAAAIIIR no matter how much their circumstances might differ.

No no no, I've said before I really wouldn't ever expect anyone to invite me over as many times as I have people over. However, with a couple of piss takers acquaintances, it's got beyond a joke now after about 20 years of coming to my house! (and me knowing without doubt there is NO reason not to be asked, even for a glass of wine and a cheesy football!)

I never ever entertain to get the same amount of entertaining back. Most people tend to ask us back on the odd occasion, that's great, we love that. But to assume it's round at ours again and again is a fucking cheek and 2018 is going to be the year I'm going to stop doing so much.

KERALA Yep. Two lots of lazy gits here.

I do find this whole reciprocating thing a bit unnecessarily dividing for some. I don't do things for others to get a favour back, i don't give presents with the expectation of receiving one back and I wouldn't throw a party and think "hmm, it's been 6months since that party and Doris hasn't invited me for coffee and cake yet".

Id be surprised though if that would even be enough? If someone is bothered about not getting a return invite into someones home if they have thrown a party/whatever I doubt a cup of nescafe and a Tesco value rich tea is going to cut it anyway. And if it's just for the bantz and a catch up, then surely you do that anyway if you are friends and it doesn't matter if it's at their home or in a cafe?

As a side I did really laugh at a post earlier on, something like you don't have to throw a huge party, a dinner party for 10 would be fine, I don't have 10 cushions for people to put on their knees to eat off for a start

'I understand that not everyone wants to host big parties, but surely a dinner party for a few people or a bbq is no effort?'

It's a huge effort if your house is a shithole (or you have a loved one living with you who has health problems or special needs), you have no garden, you have no spare money to feed guests or 'lay on a few nibbles' even.

Oh fhs! If you rtt in its entirety, I don't think one of the people who host has said they expect others to do the same as them or that every interaction has to be equally balanced - on the contrary - most have said it would be great to be invited in for a brew.

From the guests pov, loads of people have explained how, when they can't host for some reason, they baby-sit or offering driving services or bring food and drink or something else to the table; all of which is great.

The original op is in the context of having entertained twice annually for a decade and a few of the guests never reciprocating in any way at all during that time.

Health, family and financial issues aside, what it boils down to is plain good manners. It's nothing to do with conformity at all!

It's a huge effort if your house is a shithole (or you have a loved one living with you who has health problems or special needs), you have no garden, you have no spare money to feed guests or 'lay on a few nibbles' even.

Oh FFS how many people who are in the habit of accepting party invites don't have enough money to invite friends round for some kind of hospitality even tea and biscuits?

House a shit hole - people don't care about that!!!! Or you know, if that bothers you - you could actually tidy it up.

Someone living with you who has health needs? Not sure why that stops you having a friend round for a drink.

And all of us host lot have said repeatedly ad infinitum that we totally 'get' that some people are genuinely unable to host for reasons of physical or mental health, finances, young or elderly dependents, stressful jobs etc and that is totally reasonable and understandable. No one is expecting them to.

'House a shit hole - people don't care about that!!!! Or you know, if that bothers you - you could actually tidy it up.

Someone living with you who has health needs? Not sure why that stops you having a friend round for a drink.'

Sometimes, it's a shithole because it's rented and the LL won't make repairs. So it's always a shithole. Or, as several posters have pointed out, they live with a hoarder. Some health needs to indeed prevent a person from having a friend round for a drink - we've got good friends who have a child with severe autism. He kicks off when people come over.

I've got other friends who had to use a foodbank a couple of times next year. I wouldn't expect them to have me round for tea and biscuits when I know they probably can hardly feed themselves.

But hey, stick the boot in such people! They're all arseholes who don't deserve friends .

@junebirthdaygirl seriously people don't care what you cook - it isn't Come Dine With Me. Also you can totally cheat and buy an 'entertaining' thing like a beef wellington from the supermarket or a cottage pie from Cook that goes in the oven if you can't cook.

People just want to feel like you DO like them you DO care about them, you DO want to spend time with them and the relationship isn't totally one sided (like you only want to see me if I am feeding and watering you).

And if you house really is such a shit hole and you really can't even chuck a pre-made thing in the oven - you can still be an organiser. "Hey Peter and Jane, thank you so much for the dinner parry last week. Would you like to come for a walk with us on Saturday in [x]? " Even something like that shows it isn't one sided.

Re: health needs - I used to care for a family member who liked to smear their shit all over the walls.

The shit only physically landed on you maybe 2 out of 10 times, never in a coffee so I had no excuse I suppose.

'And all of us host lot have said repeatedly ad infinitum that we totally 'get' that some people are genuinely unable to host for reasons of physical or mental health, finances, young or elderly dependents, stressful jobs etc and that is totally reasonable and understandable. No one is expecting them to.'

Except plenty of people on this thread, who still expect an invitation in return for hosting and that anyone who doesn't extend it is lazy, a taker, a CF . . .

@expatinscotland a house in a bad state or repair doesn't make the cup of tea taste any worse, and doesn't make your company any less fun....

There's a thread running concurrently in which the majority of posters also believe you should give guests a tour of your home, too, if you decide to host them. It's laughable.

'@expatinscotland a house in a bad state or repair doesn't make the cup of tea taste any worse, and doesn't make your company any less fun....'

It does when it makes the host feel embarrassed or anxious. I wouldn't want to do that to my friends because well, they're friends and I care about their feelings more than I do about my desire to get into their home.

Except plenty of people on this thread, who still expect an invitation in return for hosting and that anyone who doesn't extend it is lazy, a taker, a CF

No, but I expect you to organise SOMETHING once in a bloody while. To ask me to meet up in the park. Ask me for a walk. Meet up in a cafe. Come to yours for a cup of tea. Ask me to a film. SOMETHING.

If people never ever ever EVER organise anything it is actually basically saying "you aren't important to me".

Of the people who have been coming to our parties for the last 15 years and never reciprocated with anything, none of them live in small houses, are having work done, are shy or introverted, have any kind of issues that would prevent them inviting us over for lunch or supper. They are all people who entertain other friends in their home, but not us.

Most of them are no longer invited, I had a cull a few years ago.

In my case, it was because I was in a hostel.

I guess all these hyper anxious people that live in such horrific living situations that they can't even bear the thought of a mate coming round of a cup of tea are the same people who seem to exist in droves on MN who won't even open the bloody door to the postman.

IRL most people are way more normal.

If anything this thread has taught me that some will go to any lengths possible to dredge up as many possible reasons as they can for why people they don't even know (who the posters who host DO know) can't show a smidgen of reciprocity, ever. It's like the olympics for who is most unable to host. And when people suggest workarounds or counter that actually, some people are perhaps just very selfish or self absorbed, out come more excuses. It's astonishing.

Well one thing I've got out of this thread is how different other people's friendship dynamics are. It's genuinely been quite interesting.

I repeat. No one is sticking the boot in.

It's the ones who just can't be bothered we are talking about.

It's the same in other areas of life. In my experience of volunteering, it is always a core of people who do the graft, and others leave them to it. And funnily enough it is often the people with very difficult home lives with dependent elderly relatives, or DC with sn, or those who are really stretched financially, who volunteer the most. So I think this is more about attitude than resources.

Fgs calm down! Us "mundane" hosters are not here with notebooks ensuring every social interaction is tit for bloody tat. It's just a leetle galling to host a couple for years (yes years!) and never once receive a return invite. Exacerbated by a voiced expectation that the hoster will always lay things on to the extent questions asked when it's not. Hardly unreasonable to notice surely? And none of the long listed extenuating circs of anxiety, only one leg, hoarding or extreme poverty apply.

FluffyWuffy100 Exactly. As a PP said, it could be as simple as 'do you fancy coming for a walk on Sunday?' Anything to show it's not all one sided. People show you how important you are to them (or not) very clearly if you pay attention and stop searching for excuses.

I wonder if those who search for excuses do so because it's preferable to believe 'oh they would if they could, it's just they can't possibly do anything to show reciprocity' than to admit that someone they consider a friend doesn't really care that much in return?