Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I kind of understand where thefugitive is coming from. I think she phrased it bluntly but I can identify with it. I DO hate groups of people. Such a massive trigger for my anxiety. There was a period in my early twenties where the angst of going to other people’s houses would give me diarrhoea and I’d need to take Imodium before I went to avoid embarrassing myself there.

I appear normal/happy/bright/bubbly/outgoing/quirky/out there.

I get what she is saying. Some people thrive on crowds and parties and social interactions. Others don’t. But those of us that don’t kind of have to join in, else we are seen as rude. I have this conversation with my oh often. He despairs of my introspective ways. “But we have to go! Dave and Maureen invited us!”

Sigh.

I understand that not everyone wants to host big parties, but surely a dinner party for a few people or a bbq is no effort?

Those of you who seem to not like mixing with others, do you have a few close friends or would you prefer to live like hermits?

Threads like this (usually focused on rude people not replying to RSVPs or failing to turn up, having RSVPd in the affirmative) always degenerate into host criticism, and this one is no exception.

The unfortunate host is accused of ‘pressurising’ guests to attend, etc. In this thread we also learn that hosts are ‘just doing it to get something back’, forcing guests to ‘do what they want them to do’, cruelly contributing to guests’ anxiety and ‘coming over a bit smug’.

Couldn't agree more Nettletheelf! Usually the same people who don't encourage their DC to say "thank you" for presents because the person who gave it to them obviously enjoyed buying it for them, wrapping it up and trudging to the post office with it, and it was their choice to buy a present in the first place so why should they be thanked? And anyway little Johnny would be emotionally scarred by having to write a three line thank you letter or making a phone call ... and the colour of the wrapping paper wasn't quite to his taste so the thank you would be meaningless ... .

(And breathe. )

I find the idea that some people are givers and others takers with regards to hosting a little repellent, and if I thought that people commonly thought this it would put me off ever hosting or attending anything. People are just different, with different strengths and weaknesses. Just as people can be extroverts or introverts. I'd more look at it as the host is holding a party, not giving one. Obviously, not ever been invited in for a cup of tea is strange, though, and a bit off. I used to host a lot of parties and dinners in my 30s and early 40s, but now in my 50s life has taken a harder turn and we simply can't afford it now. Our food budget is carefully worked out and if we hosted people over for dinner, that would mean we'd not have enough for meals ourselves for the rest of the week. Similarly with alcohol - we no longer drink it so as to keep costs down. People would expect a drink, wouldn't they? We don't eat out at restaurants ourselves, and there's no way we could pay for other people. With a downturn in our finances, it means we don't do many interesting things - so no holidays or trips to the theatre, etc - so we feel we have less to talk about with people, which makes things more stressful. It's also affected our mental health and we don't feel up to it now. Do we accept invitations out to other people's dos? Very occasionally, though less and less these days due to all the reasons above, though we would always take along something as a small gift.

Don't take it personally - I would love to have people round to mine and host parties etc but my living space and situation with my partner makes it almost impossible. I can guarantee all those people who come to yours are grateful for you hosting your fun events and if you enjoy them I would just carry on.

PrincessOfTheSea - I have a couple of very close friends, and a love of my own company. I didn’t get invited to loads of things until I married - because if you don’t have a wide circle, of course it doesn’t happen. My husband is insanely social though and has hundreds of friends. We didn’t think this through...

Oh god I agree. This is why we stopped hosting. Fucking rude

So in answer to the original question....
"Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?"

There are two broad categories
A) Those who can't
B) Those who won't

Group A "Those who can't"
Includes reasons of

• Space
• State (being mid-renovation etc)
• Others (loved ones, DS, OHs, or pets etc) that make welcoming guests challenging
• Economic
• Emotional / Psychological (e.g. those with severe anxiety, extreme introversion, hoarding and the need to protect their own home as a space of safety and security)

All of the above are completely understandable and would receive sympathy and compassion from me - if you were comfortable enough to let me know and not leave me speculating for 10 or more years.

However - in the circle of friends I am talking about, I am 82.35% certain that none of the above apply or have applied (other than one good friend being mid-renovation for a year or so).

Group B "Those who won't"
Of the variety of possible reasons - the one that this thread has helped me appreciate is the view "Oh that's [hoster]'s 'role'". I realise how doing it again and again can make this become the "expected norm" in a neighbourhood or group of friends.

Have not read the whole thread, but...

We entertain quite a lot. We don't entertain to get invitations back, we entertain because we enjoy having friends over for drinks/dinner etc. But one thing I will say is that people who never host seem to have no idea what goes into entertaining - I don't mean anything grand, just a few friends round for lasagne and salad, not a banquet.

I have lost count of the number of people who: a) don't bother turning up at all, and don't call and let you know they can't make it. I wouldn't be interested in WHY they couldn't make it, just a phone call even half an hour beforehand would be great, so that we're not sitting around waiting for them - just a quick call to say "Really sorry, we're not going to be able to make it, something has come up". Or even a text. And b) those who know they are coming to eat, but turn up well over an hour late and look surprised when you've either started eating or are all pissed through hunger and waiting for them. No problem if they let you know they are going to be late, it's just the ones who don't bother, don't answer their phone or texts and you have no idea if they are going to come or not. I'll also add c) - those who aren't invited but turn up anyway either because someone has brought them along unannounced or they heard that x and y were coming round for dinner and hadn't anything planned that evening so thought they would come too.

It's minimal effort, manners, common courtesy.

This thread has really made me think, as the amount of hosting I do compared to some friends did get on my nerves.
But this thread has made me realise that the vast majority do reciprocate but in their own way. E.g. Friend A doesn't host, she can't cook, but her dh does do our plumbing for free. Friend B doesn't host, house too small, but she does listen patiently to all my drivel.
Give and take.
Friend C doesn't host, and gives nothing. It's there's nothing in it for him, he won't do it.
Luckily, I don't think there's that many Cs.

I am a “Hoster” for all the reasons listed in this thread including the OP list on the previous page. Even though I am an introvert and DH is antisocial but I like cooking

I put a lot of effort / time / money in and like doing so. I have no problem with the A group coming over, it’s the B group who come to mine year after year and never invite back even though they have a nice house / invite others. When I have asked mutual friends why that is they have said it’s because I am a good host and they think they wouldn’t be as “good”. I have never said / implied that! They don’t even give us the chance to find out. I do get a bit upset that they think it’s ok to invite other to theirs but never us - and always request to come to ours. Not sure how to get around this as I don’t want to lose their friendship but like the op after years of that happening I think it is going to change

daisypond We don't mind being asked to bring a dish and or a bottle, (in fact due to my odd diet I positively LIKE it) if you hold a smallish party for close friends, they'd understand surely?

As sagely advised me - I am not going to take it personally. I am going to continue hosting because I enjoy it and I am going to let go of any expectations of what others "should" do. That's their choice. I would like it if some of them invited us to their's occasionally, but if they don't - I'll be okay.

People don't reciprocate hospitality because they are lazy, rude and self centred.

It is exceedingly self centrered to be all like "I can't host my house is small / messy" no ones cares about your house!

"I'm too stressed I won't be a good host" yeah most people get nervous when hosting a party! Just invite people round individually if you can deal with a big party.

"I can't host because I'm not a good cook" then bloody just buy something and chuck it in the oven!

Its all right to say that Fluffy but l think people do care what you cook as they pass comments. I just cant ask some good friends as they pass so many comments on food. It totally unnerves me. With my family its different as they dont care and are so busy chatting to notice. But my foodie friends spend a lot of the time talking aboyt receipe sauces etc until l run scared.

Get them to bring their own junebirthday

Fluffy, I've had people who've been critical of my house to others, because of mess/smallness etc. Now my hoarder-ex has gone, things are getting better, but the memory of people dissing me lingers and it will take some time for me to get over that. Or maybe people didn't and he just made it up, or maybe it was a bit of both, but it still stresses me out thinking of it happening again
As things got worse I'd never know what mood he'd be in the day before, in the run-up [he was abusive as well] and I'd never know if he was going to have messed the place up or broken something, couldn't risk people when he was there, but he didn't like people coming when he wasn't either, obviously I'd too much time on my hands, so it had to be . And if he did get to know, he'd deliberately do things to upset me, so that it was hard to concentrate on being hospitable.

I do hope that as I used to be able to have people over I will again. It is going to take time to sort things out from the years of damage or neglect, but I personally don't mind how a house is or how big or small it is, and would never criticise anyone's to anyone else but I know some people do. It is taking time to get through the depression and mental issues the marriage left me with, taking even longer as both my elderly parents have been ill this last year or so at the other end of the country. But I don't think I'll be having 'dinner parties' even then, just smaller cosy pop rounds

But it's not at all self centered to want someone you presumably like to put themselves in an uncomfortable situation if they'd rather didn't?

"None cares about your house" - except the person living there clearly does.

Aaah shame alwayscass I hope he took his stuff away with him!

Good luck with getting your home back!

What Nomorechickens said, hits the nail on the head for me. small home, damp, furniture falling apart 3DC 2 with adhd 1 also has asd DP has MH issues and works nights I barely let my parents in let alone anyone else lol

We're a bit like this, we often have people over and we do get invited back but the balance is skewed more to us hosting. I think in our case it's because of DD, albeit she's 13, 14 in April. I'd say 80% of our friends have older teens (so 18-20) and adult children at University.
We had DD 'late' compared to our friends.
We do leave her of course if we go out for dinner (and she's quite happy she says) but it's rarely a late night because I don't really like her home alone after about 10pm, it seems a bit miserable for her.
But we also have some friends who never invite us and I have begun to resent it slightly (their house is lovely) but I get the feeling they just don't think.

Emotional / Psychological (e.g. those with severe anxiety, extreme introversion, hoarding and the need to protect their own home as a space of safety and security)

I don't have severe anxiety or extreme introversion, I just don't want you in my home

But I won't come to your home either, so you don't need to fret about me.

Its quite sweet on the website how things are so often kindly explained as being caused by things like "severe anxiety, extreme introversion, hoarding and the need to protect their own home as a space of safety and security".

None of the non reciprocators I know are like this they are just lazy gits .

DP and I have always been rubbish at hosting, we're not natural organisers and our jobs mean we can barely plan a day off with each other let alone anyone else.

We realised we were being a bit rude a few years ago so when we were a bit pissed on holiday we decided to hold a summer BBQ and texted out a mass invite. We then worried no-one would come and invited a few more people... until we realised about 60 had accepted and then we really panicked...

Anyway it went like a charm and now it's an annual event everyone is keen to put in their diaries. And it means we can merrily accept other invites throughout the year without feeling bad. I'd recommend it for reluctant hosters!