Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

Sorry, I'll leave you ladies to it, now

"Having a few people round what dates can you make?"

That's hard to decline without being rude

I need to check- I'll get back to you. Then don't.

The 2 parties I host are fixed dates so you would not get that sort of invitation from me but if you did I would not chase up a non- reply.

How can you "despise" being in someone else's house?

Are you sure you’re a “happy and outgoing person”, thefugitive? It’s certainly not how you’re coming across on this thread.

Yes please do Foxtrot Oscar Fugitive

Surprised you are in such social demand

Oh I'd love a neighbour like you. We're so lacking in 'community spirit' where I live and it makes me sad. I would host- I should host- but I get totally overwhelmed and exhausted easily. I have Lupus and I tend to conserve my energy for the kids and the dog and daily life stuff. DH is pretty low maintenance.

But my neighbours who do host, once in a while, are aware as to why I don't reciprocate. I'm so not up to it. I wish your neighbours could tell you why they haven't. I'm so certain that it's not personal!

You sound so lovely and I'm sure your neighbours think very highly of you and appreciate your generosity.

It’s interesting that someone that self identifies as happy and outgoing despises group socialising and going to other’s houses.

I wouldn’t put these things together so perhaps that explains why some people who appear sociable are reticent to attend gatherings? Food for thought.

I take your points about me being a shitty guest. I am fully aware I am a better host! However I know I am well mannered enough that my hosts did not realise how unwelcome I felt. And I certainly didn't organise the mercy dash to tesco, I could have coped with warm red wine or even warm lemonade. It was the host's brother and team mates that set that in motion and the hosts were very appreciative.

It was only a few days later at another do when other people mentioned how uncomfortable the night had been that I realised I was not alone in my views. And that just reinforces the point I have been making since this thread opened - some people are good hosts, some people are good guests and a well balanced social circle can accommodate both without pushing people out of their preferred roles.

Reading your posts OP, i sort of wonder why you host. We host a couple of parties each year for our neighbours. One is a holiday party for the kids, and we normally have about 12 kids and their parents, and the other is a Christmas one for the adults. The kiddies one is hard work as we do all the entertainment and the adults one is expensive as we have it catered. Prior to doing these parties, we felt a little lonely where we lived and hosting these parties and impromptu ones during the year has been a great way of making more friends over the last few years. For that reason, i don't really look to anyone else to reciprocate. So I guess my question is what do you get out of it? It must be something else you wouldn't have done it in the first place. I would focus on that, or if it no longer serves that purpose an it's just an irritant, then i wouldn't do it (hoping that last sentence doesn't come across as unintentionally harsh!).

I couldn’t give a rats arse about

How big a house is
How clean or tidy a house is
What food or drink is or isn’t served

I’m just interested in having a chat with some people when I’m not the host!

Haven't read the full thread but your finger could be pointing at me. I have group of friends and a few of them regularly invite us all over. One couple are real foodies and make a huge song and dance about the food. There is constant commenting and l hate it. It really makes me feel inadequate inviting them back.
I have l lovely home and l enjoy people but l'm not a great cook. I make good meals for my family and they like my cooking but when it comes to a dinner party l get in a panic about starters dessert etc. I am generous when l go to those dinner parties and am not a big drinker so don't clean them out of gin or anything.
I actually would be much more relaxed going to a restaurant. The longer it goeson the harder l find it.
I do have friends from other circles here and my big extended family and l often cook for big groups of my kids friends but in that foodie circle l lose confidence and decide to do it." Some other time"

I hate being invited to things because of the pressure to reciprocate. It ruins it for me. I am not a host i am anxious and an introvert and see my home as a safe space. I would gladly pay for a meal out. But never in my home. So perhaps better not to invite me? My friends know who and how I am. So it isnt expected.

Bums - it's fine to reciprocate by buying by dinner out for people who always host. That's what lots of people are trying to get across on this thread. Reciprocation doesn't have to be like for like; anything will do.

Ok that makes sense. I was responding to someone saying the letting someone into your home deepens friendship. I struggle with that but absolutely dont take the piss by taking without giving its just a different kind of trade.

Blimey. This has taken an odd turn.

I wish I could show you the photos of all my parties. I throw a cracking party. I make corking cocktails, in a 3 tier cocktail dispenser. They go done well!!

And I don't give a rats ass how small or messy your house is. I'll bring the wine and a packet of wotsits. Just for a nice chat.

fugitive with all due respect, please just say NO. If someone said so sorry I can't make it, that is fine, I can ask someone else instead. Imagine going to a lot of trouble and someone is there just enduring it. Not pleasant for the person who has gone to the trouble. You've only had to turn up which is your choice not to.

Obl
You may not care the state of my home (for eg)
But i do and wouldnt enjoy it at at all. Should you still come round?

some people are good hosts, some people are good guests and a well balanced social circle can accommodate both without pushing people out of their preferred roles.

Exactly.
what's the point of trying to put a square peg in a round hole.
Everybody sticks to what they're good at. Everybody's happy.

bluebells1

Ah OP! You sound like you could be the lovely lady in my neighbourhood. She is always generous to a fault and is the most accepting and kind person. She used to host christmas events, I believe (we moved here recently) and she sort of stopped this year.

Yes, bluebells1...It is I...

I haven't read this whole thread. But don't take this personally in any way. People might feel there house isn't big enough to hold large gatherings. Or even be a bit run-down. And they might not know a lot of people to invite. I've been to parties and think gosh I don't know that many people.

But even if they don't have parties they should invite you for coffee even if they aren't giving parties as such.

I would never host to get an invite back. I love hosting and get a buzz from a party that's gone well. Maybe that's selfish on my part. I tend to plan months in advance and love all it involves, from planning the food to the decorations. It is hard work and expensive and can be scary if you are not confident so I get why people are reluctant. I just love having my friends round, either at a large gathering or a dinner party for 10. I don't mind them not hosting. We go to the pub as a group on a regular basis too and don't expect my meal paid for. I just love their company.

@Blingygolightly

Reading your posts OP, i sort of wonder why you host. What do you get out of it?

1. I enjoy it
2. I like to make people feel welcomed and looked after in my home
3. I like watching people getting to know each other and make new friends (at least one marriage is as a result of two people who met at one of our parties)
4. I enjoy cooking
5. I enjoy embarrassing my teenagers by dancing after a couple or six glasses of fiz
6. It forces me to get the house looking at least a little bit clean and tidy (before and after)
7. I like eating and drinking

I could go on. What this thread has made me realise is that I certainly should not be doing to "keep score" or with an "expectation of tit for tat" reciprocation. I should do it to bring togèther people I like and want to be there so definitely not thefugitive

@ Francine

ZoopDragon but it far more eloquently than my list above
If you open your doors to them, make them feel relaxed and cared for in your home, it deepens the friendship in a way nothing else can

TheVanguardSix
Oh I'd love a neighbour like you
I'd love a neighbour like me too!!

Also, if people hate hosting and find it scary and upsetting, pestering them to do it is just going to lead to everyone having a shit time. The hosts will be tense and miserable, and the guests will feel uncomfortable - what the fuck is the point?