Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

726 replies

FrancinePefco · 02/01/2018 07:55

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet firstSad

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/01/2018 20:55

I would hate anyone to come to my house because they feel they have to and they hate it. Shock

Roussette · 02/01/2018 20:55

It won't be making ME happy to have someone there under such sufferance

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 20:57

Yeah I hate it. I do what I can to get out of things politely, but sometimes it's hard.

So I go.

Then, having been, and done what YOU want me to do your expectation is that I now have to do...what YOU want me to do.

Confounding.

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 20:59

I’d also hate for someone to come and not want to be there. Apart from anything else, they are taking the place of someone else I could have invited who did want to come.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:00

Exactly. So please give people room to get out of these things.

"I'm having a gathering on X date, can you make it?"

"oh no, I'm so sorry" etc etc.

Fine to get out of.

It's the "we'd love to have you over in the next couple of week, when is good for you?" invites that make me cringe.

Never. Never is when is good for me.

Can't say that politely, though.

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 21:03

Fugitive - but that’s the difference between a party and a smaller invite based around you, surely? Confused

Barbie222 · 02/01/2018 21:03

To be fair though that sounds like they actually want to spend time with you rather than just having you there as background noise for their event.

runwalkrun · 02/01/2018 21:04

This year a friend who is more normally a guest hosted a do. To me it was hell. I bought a bottle of gin and a bottle of champagne. The gin was wasted because she had no ice or tonic. There was no fridge space to keep the champagne chilled. As far as I know both bottles are still at her house. Even the soft drinks were served luke warm. They didn't run out of red wine, real ale and whiskey (the room temperature drinks preferred by her and her DH) but by 9.30pm we had organised a whip so chilled supplies could be collected from the 24 hour supermarket down the road.

I know not everyone has the space to keep a coffin fridge filled with supplies but before we had that we used to keep the bath full of ice so drinks stayed cold for parties.

This is a perfect example.
So someone who never hosts parties decided to be brave and host one. But surprise, surprise, didn't get it quite right.
A person who does host lots of parties (and is good at it) has criticized and nitpicked everything about this party.
It didn't meet their standards for what constitutes 'perfect hosting'.

and that's why a lot of people are scared to reciprocate.
Damned if we do. Damned if we don't.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:06

Fugitive - but that’s the difference between a party and a smaller invite based around you, surely? Confused

Yes. What's confusing about that?

I don't want you to base an evening around what you imagine I'd like to do, which is actually just what you want to do.

Barbie222 · 02/01/2018 21:07

Yes I noticed that - I’d be right narked if the perfect hostess went around complaining about the drink to the point that half my guests disappeared to the offie!!!

Subtleconstraints · 02/01/2018 21:08

thefugitive why on earth do you think your presence would make the host happy when it causes you such unhappiness to attend their party? If it's such a trial, why not just politely decline the invitation?

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 21:08

Fugitive - it’s confusing because the thread is about large parties, and people that are invited to them and always attend and how they reciprocate.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:09

"we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays"

Doesn't say anything about "large parties" in the OP.

I've had invites along the lines of, getting some friends together, what dates can you do.

Do you understand what I'm saying or are you still confused?

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 21:12

Wow do you mean to be so rude, fugitive?!

Subtleconstraints · 02/01/2018 21:12

X posts with Fugitive

It's not that hard to decline politely surely? Simple repeated "no thank yous, I am otherwise engaged" should do the trick.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:12

"thefugitive why on earth do you think your presence would make the host happy when it causes you such unhappiness to attend their party? If it's such a trial, why not just politely decline the invitation?"

I always do decline the invites, if it's easy to do so without causing offence.

"Having a few people round what dates can you make?"

That's hard to decline without being rude.

I have no idea why people persist with inviting me to stuff. It's probably because I'm happy and outgoing at the school gate/work etc because I'm a happy and outgoing person.

However, I hate group socialising and I despise being in other people's houses.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:13

"Wow do you mean to be so rude, fugitive?!"

No. I didn't mean to be rude. I apologise. I genuinely thought you were finding my stance very confusing, so I was checking you were still with me.

Subtleconstraints · 02/01/2018 21:15

Argh, X posts again

For a non-time specific invitation

"That's so kind but I am not socialising ATM owing to my work commitments, family commitments, phd on aerodynamics, elderly bloodhound, incapacitated goat ..." or words to that effect

AuntyElle · 02/01/2018 21:16

RunWalkRun
“No offense but you sound a bit smug about the fact you're good hosts. Like you want a big pat on the back for it.”

You really sound like you’re projecting, Run. May be because of your experience with your SIL?
To me OP sounded like a great host who, after ten years, feels a bit perplexed by some of her friends. No smugness coming across at all.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:16

"That's so kind but I am not socialising ATM owing to my work commitments, family commitments, phd on aerodynamics, elderly bloodhound, incapacitated goat ..." or words to that effect

Thank you, I'll try that.

Got to be better than giving up my whole evening in an attempt to satisfy somebody else.

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 21:17

Fugitive - I assume from the OP it’s at least 30 people. I also assume when it gets over around 15 people, the host usually sets a date and whoever can make it, makes it. As that’s what I do.

I thought you seemed to be referring to a much smaller gathering, perhaps just your family and the host.

Subtleconstraints · 02/01/2018 21:17

Gosh ..."despise" is a strong word.

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:19

Righto, Taffeta, glad you've clarified you were working on assumptions now.

No wonder you were confused!

thefugitive · 02/01/2018 21:20

"Gosh ..."despise" is a strong word."

This thread is funny.

Taffeta · 02/01/2018 21:20

Wow.