Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I don't get why the bottle of wine is inadequate

It isn't inadequate. The context is guests who accept invitations year after year, who expect it will be an annual event, but who never reciprocate.

The point is that some guests who bring a bottle of wine, think they have 'paid' for their place at the party. The poster who first mentioned this was simply saying that some guests who don't host, have no idea of the true cost of hosting in terms of effort or often money.

This doesn't mean this host expects people to bring a gift of a certain value, nor to cover the cost of the party. It was simply an observation about the lack of awareness of some guests. This was also shown by the poster who mentioned guests who seemed to think she 'profited' by hosting, because guests brought wine, some of which might remain at the end of the night.

No one is saying that wine is inappropriate or inadequate. It is fine, because unless a party is bring and share with everyone contributing equally, hosts don't expect their costs to be covered in gifts. However, guests could sometimes be more aware of the costs of throwing a party....and of course it is likely to be those who never do, who are most likely to be unaware.

"The poster who first mentioned this was simply saying that some guests who don't host, have no idea of the true cost of hosting in terms of effort or often money."

How much money and effort the host spends is the host's choice though. I've hosted drinks and nibbles for people for a cost that would have been less than the total of all the drinks brought and yes, I had free alcohol for ages afterwards (although I also had excess food that I didn't really want).

People are generally too worried about what others think. They worry about hosting because they fear they will be judged for a small or untidy or unfashionable house, or for un exciting food or drink or for un exciting company. They fear being guests because they fear their gift of wine or something else being judged or their outfit being judged or their conversation being deemed dull.

Get over it people. If you are hosting, most people are just glad to be out at a social event and if you're friendly and welcoming and show an interest in them, all the rest is just fluff that doesn't matter. And if you're a guest and you are friendly and interested and look like you're having a good time.....that's good enough too.........as well as remembering at some point too to show hospitality to the host. Remember,nit doesn't have to be within an immediate timeframe (10 years is pushing it though!) and it doesn't have to be a similar scale of numbers (can be just 2 people) or the same type of hospitality as they showed you (a coffee is fine if that is all you feel happy with).

I feel inspired to get my diary out and and send a few texts inviting people for coffees, a Sunday lunch and perhaps a tea and cake afternoon in the dreary days of Feb and March.

I find people who host more than they are hosted are either

(a) Have natural flair for cooking / cocktails and enjoy doing it, and / or they have a beautiful house

Or

(b) they may have none of the above but are very relaxed and are just sociable so are happy to be around people even if they have a messy / small etc house.

Most people don't fall in to either category.

I used to host a lot more than I was hosted when -

• Prekids so had loads more time

• I didn't have a chronic health condition that flares up meaning I have to cancel at short notice and feel awful about it

• I wasn't married to someone who doesn't help me when we are entertaining but at the same time doesn't like me buzzing around before trying to prep / clean etc as "it's not very relaxing"

• didn't have various things going on in my life which mean I lack mental bandwidth.

So I am one of those people that doesn't reciprocate as much as I should at the moment.

I am a very good guest though, I take at least £50 worth of wine / chocolates / flowers everyone I go to a party / dinner party.

When I have a big party (which I do about every 5 years), there are people who come who I just know will easily get through two bottles of wine/fizz or more. I would hope that they would bring 2 bottles with them but I'd have no idea because it's just all busy busy when people arrive.

I have spent £1,000 on a party here, before anyone thinks it's excessive, the timing of our birthdays means it was 3 of us (me, DH and a DC) with big ones and we had 65 here. We hired a live act, I did all the food (the emphasis was not on the food, we didn't stop to eat as such as I just wanted it like a club sort of atmosphere with fuel to fill up on!), we literally moved out all the furniture from downstair and as far as I know everyone had a blast. I did have to throw them out at god knows what hour so it must've been OK.

Now... I don't expect reciprocation on that, I was just grateful to have friends and family there to celebrate a really special occasion but when it comes to the pre-meal drinks for an hour I posted about before, it would just be thoughtful and nice if some other bugger apart from me did it for a change.

Yes, what the host chooses to provide and to spend is their own choice. Absolutely. I don't think any hosts have sounded like they resented what they provided at all. And as I said, none sounded like they expected gifts to reflect the cost of the party or to cover it......they were simply making the point that sometimes guests seem to have no idea what a party might cost in terms of money and effort - that did t mean they resented either, but was just an observation they made about guests who perhaps don't ever host and so are just a bit unaware. Most people who go to a party I think do appreciate the effort and cost - again, the hosts don't do it for appreciation or for return invites, but becaue they enjoy socialising, but of course it is nice to also be invited out rather than always to host and it is when this balance seems totally out of kilter, that frequent oats can start to feel a bit weary and used - understandably. Again, they don't want or need the same amount of invites as they have given out, or identical events, just to feel that hospitality is also offers to them too. They value people enough o offer it, so understandably it's nice to feel others value you too sometimes and that it's not all one-sided.

I also think that some of these constant hosts who feel unappreciated perhaps need to be a bit more blunt (not rude - I know good hosts are not rude) about it all.
When with some of those they frequently host, say something like 'I love our parties and having everyone over, but I'd also love to be the guest too'
And when people reply with 'but you're so good at it' or 'Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without your drinks party' then smile and say 'but I'd really enjoy a year when we went to someone else for a bit of a change'. If brave, this could be followed with 'any of you fancy hosting it?' and lots of warm smiles, so no one feels they are being forced, but the point is clear.

Or, how about if sending out invitations or texts/emails, simply say you're really looking forward to seeing everyone but would love it if someone else hosted next year.

Sometimes people just need things spelling out a bit more clearly. Of course they might all ignore it or assume someone else will respond, which is why it often works better to have the conversation with just 2 or 3 people so a definite response from someone precise is more likely.

Are you and your OH natural born hosts, i.e. do you make it all look simple, stress-free and flawless (even if you have put in a tremendous amount of preparation and effort)? This could potentially put people off hosting themselves

This was my thought.
No offense but you sound a bit smug about the fact you're good hosts. Like you want a big pat on the back for it.
Guests could be picking up on this.

They then feel that any attempts they make at hosting will be compared to your efforts and they will fall short.

It's not fair I know.

Another reason that so many don't reciprocate could be that years ago, people would invite people totheir house for a cuppa and they would attend purely for the sake of the company. Everyone had roughly the same houses, with the same furnishings. All were roughly on the same playing field.
These days people can be very critical of how others have done up or furnished their houses. My SIL is like this. Constantly commenting on what type of flooring people have, how expensive or cheap their furniture is. Whether their light fittings are old fashioned. Whether their kitchen fittings are up to scratch.
It's this hyper critical attitude that puts a lot of people hosting. Myself included and is why I would rather invite the couple out for a meal in a nice restaurant instead, even if I have to pay for it.
If I thought people were attending purely for my company I would host all the time.

people off hosting.

People are generally too worried about what others think. They worry about hosting because they fear they will be judged for a small or untidy or unfashionable house

Yes and people, whether they admit it or not are very judgy about other people's houses.

I don't care a fig about what someone's house is like or if it's just cheesy footballs and twiglets. I'd like to think people know me well enough to know that. That means us hosters really can't win...

We have disasters here when we have parties... I drop things nothing to do with the drink, I forget to get in the right soft drinks, we run out of stuff, it's not perfect, but I like to think it's easygoing and fun.

I am with you Francine.

And to all of those who have reasons not to invite in their house I say: it would be bery nice to be invited out for a meal instead, or to a show, or a shared activity, or a pub drink.

But no. No invite at all but happy to socialise in and out of my house when it is me who does the invite.

I think it is totally poo form. Nobody has to do what I do but there are lots of ways in which one can reciprocate.

I am, like you, started not to be bothered and decided that 2018 is to hang out with those who make an effort with me too.

I don't care if people invite back or not - if they do fine (although I'm less keen to go out) and if they don't fine they obviously don't want to and why should they have to do something they don't want to do?
This tit for tat stuff I find a bit, I don't know. What does it matter?

Upabitlate you sound lovely!
There are people who are good at hosting and enjoy it and there are those who it doesn't come naturally to and don't enjoy it.
So why force people into an uncomfortable situation of receiprocating?
People should accept this fact and start concentrating on doing what makes them happy.

Those of us who aren't that great at hosting have said that we try our best to compensate, by bringing quality goodies as a contribution and will suggest taking the hosts out for a (paid for meal) from time to time.

Or would it be better if we all stayed at home and didn't accept any invites?

If I’m invited to a party I will always contribute the equivalent of what I’d consume and then something extra for the host be that a special bottle or flowers.

I am a host much more often than I am a guest because that's what I prefer. My friends are generally appreciative and well mannered and will bring a bottle of wine or some such along. It could be that my group of friends are exceptionally boozy but it is a drop in the ocean compared to what is actually drunk. For this reason we have a huge fridge in the garage (referred to as the 'coffin' due to its size and shape) which is always well stocked with extra supplies. It is important to me that people are well supplied with the cold beverage of their choice, alcoholic or otherwise.

This year a friend who is more normally a guest hosted a do. To me it was hell. I bought a bottle of gin and a bottle of champagne. The gin was wasted because she had no ice or tonic. There was no fridge space to keep the champagne chilled. As far as I know both bottles are still at her house. Even the soft drinks were served luke warm. They didn't run out of red wine, real ale and whiskey (the room temperature drinks preferred by her and her DH) but by 9.30pm we had organised a whip so chilled supplies could be collected from the 24 hour supermarket down the road.

I know not everyone has the space to keep a coffin fridge filled with supplies but before we had that we used to keep the bath full of ice so drinks stayed cold for parties. Another friend who hosted a massive do last summer borrowed loads of bins and arranged for all her local mates to supply ice blocks to keep everything chilled. It seems inconsiderate to make sure your own drinks are taken care of but your guests have to fend for themselves. .

My house and garden aren’t big enough and I suffer from anxiety. I’m even anxious as a guest. I’d have a lovely time at your house if you were my friend and had invited me to a party, and I’d be super grateful, but I’d also be very anxious on the day.

It’s not you. You sound lovely. I can see why you’re fed up though.

You only have to order from Majestic (free delivery) and they will provide glasses and ice for free. Or bags of ice from Tesco.

It’s the ones who I know live in lovely houses, have no confidence or health issues, and invite others over for supper etc but not us.

That’s just rude and I’d happily ditch their invite if it didn’t upset DH....

Lots of our local friends have ice machines in their fridges so we ask them to come with big bags full.

I hate being in other people's houses.

If you invite me round, I really don't want to be there. I'm putting myself through it to make you happy.

The last thing I want is to then have to put up with you coming to my house.

I already did what you wanted me to, why torture me further?

Seriously if you plan and host a BBQ for lots of people you should have a pretty good idea of the cost and work involved. Please don’t stomp about afterwards moaning about it or the ungrateful guests who only gave a bottle of wine. It’s your choice to host or not to host but please don’t be a martyr about it.

If you invite me round, I really don't want to be there. I'm putting myself through it to make you happy

Why on earth accept the invitation?!

I always show my face at parties but never hold them. My reason is I like to leave early, if I'm holding the party I can't make people leave at 9pm so I can watch telly or have a bath and go to bed.
But my friends do come round for food and cups of tea, I'm not that bad.

Good grief the longer this thread gets the more I am put off large gatherings of any kind!

Seriously though, when I go to a large gathering, unless it’s a close family celebration, I feel like I am just making up numbers because the people I like to spend time with aren’t the kinds to throw big parties - they find them awkward and prefer coffee and cake with close friends like I do.