Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

And I have to say my DCs absolutely love having people round, now they're adults it's such fun to have them there, their boyfriends/girlfriend, and a few of their friends. It doesn't always happen except for Christmas or Big birthdays but the last big bash we had was such fun with about 60 here. If you can mix the generations it's great.

I come from a culture where everyone hosts, it's a huge part of being part of the community, and it's a case of making sure that the elderly and infirm have the solid chairs and everyone else perches on whatever is available, and you may have to drink wine out of a mug because you're out of glasses but who cares because everyone does that.

That sounds absolutely wonderful OneFlewOverTheDodosNeat. I read somewhere not so long ago that if you live in a permanent dwelling, with heating, electric lighting, glass in every window, running hot and clean cold water, a plumbed in flushing lavatory - this puts you in the top 10% of humans on Earth. We should be grateful.

Lovesagin you really are misinterpreting Winegummy's comment. There was nothing snobby about it. She wasn't sneering at wine.

She was commenting on the sort of person who seems to think no effort is required ; or as in the case of my guest doesn't even abide by the general rule of bring one bottle per guest as she has on occasions turned up with nothing.

In Holland an afternoon visit would be a cup of coffee. Evening into night would be some salads and cheese and a small amount of alcohol, stay as late as you like. Weddings were a funny one. In between the ceremony and the dinner, lots of friends would arrive, form a queue, greet bride and groom, have coffee and cake then leave.

With me it's not that I expect invites to things but I prefer to go visiting instead of people at my house.i have control issues I suppose and get anxious if people come round as it's not up to me when they leave (as in I can't say I've had enough now as it's rude) Whereas if at someone house I can leave if I want to

This tit for tat stuff I find a bit, I don't know. What does it matter?

Ýòu're right UpaBitLate it doesn't really matter at all in the bigger scheme of First World Problems. It certainly should not be about "keeping score" and this thread has taught me to check myself whenever I do this. I was just curious if the "non-reciprocators"
a) Notice
b) Care

I think the poster who said people who don't host have no idea, had it spot on.

I hosted a BBQ for 50 people this summer.
Around work I organised it this; On weds I went shopping, on Thursday I went shopping again, (couldn't fit it all in in one trip), on Friday I made the things that needed making, on Saturday I tidied the house. On Sunday morning I ran around like a blue arsed fly setting up, on Sunday afternoon (the BBQ) I ran around getting drinks etc. Whilst everyone else had a blast. On Monday it took me & dh 4 hours to clean up. It cost approx £600.
So, no, your bringing a bottle of wine doesn't really cover it.

I’ve totted it up and actually it’s a lot less people than I thought that don’t reciprocate. I thought it was loads but actually it’s less than a third.

It never used to bother me at all, but I guess as we’ve been doing it now for so many years it’s a bit weird that there a still a few people that never even invite you over for a drink, especially when you know they sometimes have other people over.

As my dad says, there are party throwers and party goers.

Tit for tat?? I don't agree. Some people are just lazy and can't be bothered. Of course it's easier to go to someone else's house and be waited on. We all have reasons why not to host,but to never return the favour is just bad manners.

Yy arethere - for a Sat pm party, I spent around £400 and roughly 15 hours on food prep, worked constantly during the party, and around 3 hours or so clearing up.

I don’t mind though as I enjoy it so much. Get such a buzz from it.

Ah OP! You sound like you could be the lovely lady in my neighbourhood. She is always generous to a fault and is the most accepting and kind person. She used to host christmas events, I believe (we moved here recently) and she sort of stopped this year. I am not sure why, but the other neighbours who were usually invited were wondering about the invite. Cheeky sods. I asked them if they had offered to host insted and they looked at me like I was an alien.

Those saying that people who hold big events "do it so well"...

And others saying they would be too nervous...

Like most things, you get good at things - and less nervous - by pactice and actually doing it!

It didn't come naturally to me at all (still doesn't) but dh is a people person so I had to learn (and mostly enjoy it now too) apart from house being a building project for past 10 years (served dinner off an old door once!) which has its challenges!

Also, agree with those who say you don't start off thinking about reciprocation at all, and with v close friends you get beyond "taking turns" anyway, but it's only after years and years of inviting people without any reciprocation at all that you start to think ...hang on ... and start to get a bit tired of it all.

Also agree that it has become increasingly expensive to host now though and nowadays we often have meals where each couple brings a course or brings wine ...

We really enjoy hosting and and often hire the village hall for more special occasions. This year, at home, we had a Boxing Day Open house (we do this every other year. Other years we have done a Christmas brunch. We host fairly regularly at home, always daytime as we live in an apartment and don't want to disturb the neighbours on an evening).

This morning, someone we know (but not that well!) texted me to ask if we missed them because they never received any details.

I was so , I had to delete the message so that I wouldn't dwell on it all day.

CF.

Lass I myself have said I'm sure wine didn't mean it how I read it - the last line, which is separate from the line where you are mentioned, reads to me like a general "people who never host think their bottle of wine is a decent gift" just pointing out how it sounded (feel like I need to emphasise to me again)

Gah just thought you might be thinking I'm doing the old pa "did you mean to be so rude" thing, I'm really not, I genuinely meant I didn't think wine meant it to sound that way

@arethereanyleftatall
I hosted a BBQ for 50 people this summer. It cost approx £600.
So, no, your bringing a bottle of wine doesn't really cover it.

Was this a special occasion? Was it just you hosting or was there a co-host? 50 people sounds like you were celebrating a special occasion.

You put in a lot of hard work but saying a bottle of wine doesn't really cover it, what do you expect people to do or bring? A crate of wine? Or share the cost of the food? What did you put on your invitations?
£600 is an awful lot of money to spend but in the end it was your decision to invite that many guests.
We wouldn't have the space for 50 to a BBQ but even if we did, I wouldn't invite 50 people purely because of the cost.
I'd limit numbers and invite a smaller group instead.

@arethereanyleftatall
I should have added: if you expected guests to share the cost or bring food (perfectly acceptable) then I would have communicated that before the event.

It's interesting that this thread has made me think, I have a rare child free weekend next month and thinking about asking friends round for dinner. Thinking about who I like and who would do the same for me, based on past experience the latter is really quite slim.

We do host people fairly often but I find it extremely stressful....our house isn’t an issue but I hate mess etc...so the tidying up afterwards fills me with dread..

Also I have a few friends who have nightmare children who break my kids toys/smash things and generally behave very badly so to invite them I see particularly stressful...

Pax - on the day I didn't expect it ask for anything.
Everyone invited to that party (as I now don't invite takers) though, will understand and appreciate the effort that went in, and will reciprocate in some way or form.

I don't get why the bottle of wine is inadequate.

If you want BBQ food, ask for that then, I've been to quite a few BBQs where we've all brought something along, usually it is a bit unwanted as the hosts have already bought lots of stuff and in some cultures it can be a bit rude to turn up with lots of food as it implies your host can't cater for you (my husband's culture).

I take a bottle of wine or two, and I don't even drink! I drink water so am hardly costing a huge amount of money.

What should guests bring if a bottle of wine isn't enough? Surely if you cater for 50 you kind of have to accept it costs money, unless you explicitly make it a pot-luck or bring your own food type event, which I find fine and have been to lots anyway.

I never notice what ppl bring as I’m so busy, DH deals with it. Except the people that bring a gift for us and leave it in a bag with their name on. Our friends are all very generous though, and I’d guess the average family coming brings a couple of bottles of wine/fizz, plus anything from 6 bottles to a slab of beers, and often a gift like chocolates or a plant.

FrancinePefco it’s v bugging when you know some people do host others, but somehow you don’t get an invite... tho they are happy to come to yours and drink like fishes etc.

There’s obviously all sorts of reasons people can’t host a big party. But no invite for tea / a drink / pub / play date ever? That is LAME and those people are CFs.

@arethereanyleftatall
Everyone invited to that party (as I now don't invite takers) though, will understand and appreciate the effort that went in, and will reciprocate in some way or form.

If that works for you then that's fine. Still £600 is a lot of money to spend on a BBQ but that's a personal choice.
When we lived in our old house, which had a larger garden, the maximum number of people we invited to a BBQ was 25-30. And yes, it is a lot of hard work, and not just on the day of the event.
We did this every summer.
Not everyone reciprocated though ....