Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

We can’t host gatherings as we live in a small London flat. During dcs School we have made some great new friends in many families and they often invite us to bbqs and Christmas drinks. I am acutely aware of not being able to reciprocate back in that way. However I always host a lot more play dates than most (they work longer hours) and I always ferry kids around to parties etc. One of the most hospitable mums (big bbqs and dinners) once called me to apologise that she wasn’t able to host play dates due to her work. And there was me worrying about not being able to invite her to any parties at ours!

I hope that the people that invite us don’t think that we don’t reciprocate because we don’t have parties. I do a lot for them in other ways. Help with child care, give lifts, drop food around if ill etc.

@2ducks2ducklings
We moved into a complete renovation project in march last year and I was so embarrassed by it that I wouldn't let anyone in.

I know the feeling all too well. When we bought our house it was pretty run down and neglected. We had a budget for renovation work but unfortunately we had underestimated the cost of everything because we kept finding things that needed doing. Renovating an old property is more expensive than buying a new one. So we do the work in stages, and we save up money for the next job. The house is still only half finished and I dread the moment when someone asks if they can use the loo. Our bathroom is in a dreadful state (we don't have a downstairs loo) and the bedrooms are in urgent need of updating too (crumbling plaster, etc).

Lasswithedelicateair !!! That's staggering! She obviously thought she was being the generous one. (Your party sounds lovely by the way)

Actually that's given me a thought. If a person never hosts, they have no clue what is involved so probably do think their bottle of wine is a really generous gift for their host...

I'm quite an anxious person. I'd be worried that they thought my house was minging, or that id send them an invite and they'd not want to go and everyone would cancel.

Dh despairs when I organise a party as I tie myself in knots beforehand fretting no one will come, or too many will come, not enough food / drink etc. It is stressful - for me anyway. But on balance worth it. So not all us hosters are uber confident devil may care types ( well only after a few drinks after a critical mass has arrived).

Most people are not keeping count of how many times they have hosted and how many times they have been invited back. They don't require equality in this sense and that isn't the reason they host. However, when someone consistently accepts hospitality over a long period, some sign of occasional reciprocity is in my view important. It doesn't have to be equal frequency or like with like, but a friendly, hospitable gesture

^^This with knobs on. I totally get not everyone wants to host a full blown party/drinks/bbq, but a cup of coffee and a piece of cake would be nice! My CF neighbour who more or less said to me "round to yours again then", had me stood on the doorstep a few months back when I had to go and see her about something. Cheeky mare. And I promise there is not a problem, I know her, her house, her DCs, and I know it is just her not bothering. I should've known... we both have a DC the same age (late 20's). She was always sending her DD round to our house all the time. Once my DD had locked herself out and she made her sit in the garden till I got back. Nothing's changed. Unfortunately, much as I would like to exclude her, I really can't... there are 11 couples and it would be a huge slap in the face to do that.

KERALI I'm there at the party with Francine!

As far as plates.... I've got enough for about 60(I collect china!) but like for instance Boxing Day with 21, I can't cope with it all so used paper plates. No one cares and we don't try and make it really special and elegant, it's all about having fun, that's all.

Isn't reciprocation what's it all about? I buy my best friends small gifts when I see something they'd like. They reciprocate at some point but if they don't, it doesn't matter, because I know they have done and would. However, if I ever felt used or taken for granted, that would be different. I like giving, nurturing and doing things for people (without being a people pleaser) because it's what makes the world go round.

I haven't read the full thread but I am one of those people who will happily go to other things but am reluctant to invite people round myself.

It's anxiety - I get really stressed about hosting, and think that people will think I haven't got the right tea/coffee/cake, and would never cook for others, what if they didn't like it?! I had a tiny wedding abroad, largely because I was worried I wouldn't be able to put on a good enough wedding. I have been to and thoroughly enjoyed everyone else's weddings!

And also I worry that people will decline the invite or drop out at the last minute.

I think these fears are fairly irrational as I have done a few things and they have gone OK. But generally I hate organising things myself/having people round.

Winegummy - I imagine you didn't intend it to sound that way, but your wine comment sounded pretty snobby tbh and another reason why I definitely wouldn't reciprocate if I thought a host was also snobby - would they be judging my decor, food, wine I served.......

Also with my 'mum' friends, I often suggest going to theirs, mostly because I think it's probably easier for them not to have get their kids out the door, miss naps etc if I just come to them.

And I bring cake, biscuits or something if I do go to someone else's.

I love hosting, and we have a room in our house referred to as "the party room" by many of our friends.
I love having guests, seeing friends and family, providing food and hospitality, if there's anything to celebrate we will have "a do" at ours.
However, just for once I would like someone to invite me and DH to be invited elsewhere for Xmas lunch or for dinner on New Years Eve, but then I keep being told it really "wouldn't feel like Christmas if we didn't go to Hazel's"

Winegummy - I imagine you didn't intend it to sound that way, but your wine comment sounded pretty snobby tbh and another reason why I definitely wouldn't reciprocate if I thought a host was also snobby - would they be judging my decor, food, wine I served.......

That isn't what Winegummy meant at all. She was responding to my post abput a guest saying I had made a profit from a party. I catered for a cooked meal, home baking and champagne for 15 people. I would make sure I had say 6 bottles of champagne, 6 of red and 6 of white plus something non- alcoholic. That is all to buy on top of the food. Total cost into hundreds of pounds.

If each guest brings 1 bottle of wine I then have my 18 bottles plus their 15 making 33 bottles. The guest who thinks I made a "profit" thinks that any bottles left over after my 18 are used up is a "profit" which I made by hosting a party. She was seriously suggesting I should hold a second party to use up "the profit".

This "If a person never hosts, they have no clue what is involved so probably do think their bottle of wine is a really generous gift for their host..." Sounds a bit sniffy about a guest bringing a bottle of wine, no mention of the cheeky person you were referring to in your post, it reads like a general comment about people who don't host not knowing a bottle of wine is a shit gift, so pretty snobby imo but I did say I don't think wine meant it that way.......

I wouldn’t mind doing a cold buffet on a small scale for a few people which I have done in the past but I couldn’t cope with big event or a bbq.
People who do hold big events usually do it so well and have so many additional friends and family to help muck in before hand on the day and be sociable that I would feel inferior. My family are anti social and would go for an hour and that would be it and we don’t have space for DH’s family to come up to add to numbers.
But I would have invited you in to share a bottle of wine and nibbles OP.

lass some people just haven't got a clue. The fact that there might be a few bottles left over at the end of a night is just a nice thing to happen, but when you get 2x12 boxes delivered by Majestic, it's not a lot to hope for in the big scheme of things! And that's not even talking about food and other bits and bobs.

My CF NDN doesn't even bring a bottle when she comes for drinks, she might have done for a party but not for drinks. And she's first to arrive.

lemonshark sorry just seen your post, she is part of a group setting of friends a club we are members of, and her hosting is usually the club group , so not someone i see on her own, but when we go over there i always take a bottle of wine . some chocolates and some flowers for her

Lovesagin are you my guest? It was quite clear Winegummy was referring to my anecdote. She mentioned me by name.

I used to like hosting, but it was never reciprocated, especially with family. I remember having a moan to a fellow work colleague. Who took the point of view that maybe they found my home homely and enjoyed our company and that I should take it as a compliment. In a way I think she was right, but it's hard to not feel slightly miffed when you put in so much hard work and it isn't returned. Believe me, it doesn't come naturally, I have ocd and spend the whole time feeling anxious about mess and tidying up. I don't host as much anymore. I wait to be invited first.

I find it so strange that people are paranoid about their houses being small or not fashionable - I come from a culture where everyone hosts, it's a huge part of being part of the community, and it's a case of making sure that the elderly and infirm have the solid chairs and everyone else perches on whatever is available, and you may have to drink wine out of a mug because you're out of glasses but who cares because everyone does that. Who are you all friends with if you can't all get along together without thinking people are judging you for the state of your kitchen?

Oh and for those who worry about costs - we tend to do what I think gets called pot-lucks so everyone brings a dish of some sort of pasta / starter / fish / cheeses / pudding and your own drinks so it never falls disproportionately on one person but you have a great choice anyway.

I can understand people only wanting to invite one or two people round for say a cuppa- especially if they have some form of mobility restriction. Or returning the kindness by gifts or some form of hospitality outside the home (pub, restaurant, for example). I can begin to understand anyone with young children or an animal who might find someone else in the home not doing so.

However, just accepting hospitality and never giving back in some shape or form does seem unreasonable to me.

Yes they did, at the start of their message, then they added "that's given me a thought........if a person (not that guest, a person, so generally a person who never hosts is how it reads) doesn't host......"

No I wasn't your guest, as I'd never say something so rude.

I think for a lot of people hosting is enormously stressful and not something they enjoy. If you enjoy it, do it, I assume your guests bring a bottle or some sort of contribution? My in laws used to invite people round all the time and throw parties. I was in awe of them, it's not something I would feel confident doing. For me, hosting this sort of thing is a nightmare and i would hate it, but I do enjoy being invited. I try to make sure I bring a generous gift to compensate, but I do feel guilty.

I have 6 families arriving at mine in an hour for a new year party. Of course it is stressful and you worry about the food and drink and conversation and whether people will enjoy it but if you can, its worth doing. I don't think it's fair for the same people always to host. That's why I arranged tonight - it was definitely our turn.

I quite like hosting and do a bit now - not massive parties or anything but a few families around type thing.

I do it because I like to and because people seem to enjoy it and because it's nice doing stuff here because it's my house so I am relaxed.

I don't care if people invite back or not - if they do fine (although I'm less keen to go out) and if they don't fine they obviously don't want to and why should they have to do something they don't want to do?

This tit for tat stuff I find a bit, I don't know. What does it matter?

"If people do not want to reciprocate, that's fine. But they should't really accept invites to other people's homes if they do not want to host themselves."

I mean this crap.

I want people to come around because I like them, and I like cooking, and it's fun.

I don't want people to decline on the basis that they imagine I will be angry / upset that they don't reciprocate, when I won't. Come to my house for fuck's sake I don't care! Drink and make merry

Jesus what a miserable idea. So po-faced.