Why do some people never reciprocate hospitality?

[FrancinePefco]

For more than 10 years now, we host drinks for neighbours and local friends during the Christmas holidays. We also regularly have a summer drinks/bbq. Quite a few of our guests have therefore enjoyed our hospitality (including food and lots of drink) at least once or twice a year for a decade or so but they have have never once invited us to anything - not even for a "Come in. Would you like a cuppa?" when we have had to e.g. drop children off at their houses.

I don't think it can be BO or bad breath because they obviously don't mind being around us (as long as it's at our house). In fact, this year we decided not to Christmas drinks and apparently several people were asking around if they had missed an invite.

I wouldn't feel comfortable just asking "Hey, how come you never invite us round to yours?". So I thought I would check with strangers on the Internet first

I'm similar to you but in a different way. I also love hosting but generally when the offers come to attend elsewhere, I often find a reason to avoid. I'm just more comfortable in my own home.

Because many people are very rude!

I am also someone who hosts. This year, I am not bothering with the takers anymore

Over the years I've known a few takers, and when they get called on it, simply move on to a new group of friends.
Id love to be a fly on the wall when this happens to know if their conversation (with couple taker) goes like this;
' oh fuck, we've been rumbled. Better find some new people to sponge off'
Or
'I think I'm moving in a separate direction from person A (giver). I'll hang out with person B (new giver) who seems to have more in common with me.'

This has been on my mind a lot lately.Friend of 12 plus years has enjoyed literally hundreds of hours of hospitality at our house,and we've never been invited back for a coffee ,let alone a meal.I always knew she loved to acquire 'stuff',despite often making references to how worried about money she was -she's retired early with a good pension,a big inheritance from parents plus a sizeable payout from her employer when her union fought for compensation as she retired through stress.I hadn't even been invited inside her house in recent years if I collected her to go out.When she broke her leg last year and rebuffed any offers to drop in with meals,shopping etc I knew something was amiss.It turns out she's become a hoarder.Piles of stuff everywhere, I wouldn't even be surprised if her leg fracture -she fell down the stairs- happened because she fell over clutter.Very sad really.As I'm neat and tidy by nature, and love to de-clutter,although I know our home is still homely,and i love to feed people,it's obvious she's felt uncomfortable reciprocating our hospitality.
That aside, what has really bugged me more is her habit of 'just going to get us some seats 'if we meet at a cafe,and leaving me to order and pay,and then forgetting to offer to pay.In fact she's very tight with money,unless it presents when she goes over the top buying an embarrassing amount,and the kind of keepsakes she likes but I don't.
So I've started to retreat from the friendship as I really feel she's a taker,and although there's some big issues going on I'm running out of patience.The final straw just before Xmas was when she dropped in uninvited and stayed over 2 hours,sat in our kitchen despite me trying to do some cooking whilst feeling unwell.I was annoyed that I even invited her in,and DH said enough enough.If we do meet it won't be me hosting,and I will make sure she gets her purse out !

With the shape of my house (think period narrow terrace) only two more fully grown adults in it makes it claustrophobic. I can't reciprocate some of the larger groups of friends visiting with kids for this reason :(

In France they have a very hospitable and easy way of entertaining; it's called an 'apero' you just have a glass of wine\sherry type stuff or water\fruit juice for the dcs (it doesn't matter) served at 6pm specifically (before dinner). They stay for a crisp \savoury snack or 2 and a glass and a chat then they go at 7.30 !

Apart from needing a table and chairs in the kitchen, it's not formal.

@ppeatfruit
In France they have a very hospitable and easy way of entertaining; it's called an 'apero' you just have a glass of wine\sherry type stuff or water\fruit juice for the dcs (it doesn't matter) served at 6pm specifically (before dinner). They stay for a crisp \savoury snack or 2 and a glass and a chat then they go at 7.30 !

Could you do that in the UK? We've hosted drinks and nibbles but it was an all evening event. I don't know if people had eaten beforehand or not but they certainly weren't hungry when they left our house. We had provided loads of nibbles/canape type snacks.

What exactly is understood under 'drinks and nibbles' in the UK? Should it be pre-dinner or instead of? Or alongside salads, etc.
Or can you invite people for drinks only after dinner?

Pax I think it’s a cultural understanding. I’ve spent a lot of time in Holland and they have certain visiting etiquette for different times/occasions that everyone just knows about and sticks to.

@Donnerkebabbler
they have certain visiting etiquette for different times/occasions that everyone just knows about and sticks to

I understand that. But I was just wondering if having the equivalent of the French 'apero' (i.e. from 6pm until 7.30pm as ppeatfruit posted) would work in the UK.

So what was the etiquette in Holland for hosting friends?

We're like that, we have hosted over the years but not often and not consistently, and we don't keep score on who to pay back with hosting. The short answer is, some people are introverts and homebodies and just don't think about hosting get togethers. That's all. I want to do these things but it seems I am doing the best I can with what's already on my schedule. Our ds is extremely social though so I always made sure he had his friends over often but I'm afraid even that has fallen by the wayside as we are busy enough as it is seeing family and keeping up with school, work, ds's activities and renovating a money pit of a house (no heat right now in 10 degree F weather). Has nothing to do with not wanting them over as we enjoy having all his friends over when they're here and I like the idea of having our friends and family over, but it is often just adding more stress to plan things. If someone knocked on my door I will happily have them in and it happens sometimes.

So, short answer, op, is don't take it personally. There is a 99% chance that the people you're referencing are not inhospitable or lazy or thoughtless and the fact they're not returning the hosting is probably nothing whatsoever to do with you personally. They don't have to hold parties or get togethers, it's not your call. Let them be. If you want to keep score, then don't invite them anymore.

daisychain01

Reciprocation is the glue that holds relationships together. If you only give or only take from a particular friend it becomes lopsided

100% agreed and this sums up why I started the thread...curiosity as to the underlying reasons for this lopsidedness

Re the apero thing - tried it once when I moved to Yorkshire. Result was a load of neighbours drunk and unfed but still hanging in there are 10
I don’t think it translates

I haven't read all of the thread yet but I think that if you're unable to reciprocate in the same way, ie, having someone to your home then what's to stop you taking them out to lunch/dinner/drinks? Taking them a lovely, thoughtful gift (however small) to let them know that you appreciate them.

There's no excuse for not doing that because one-sided friendship doesn't feel comfortable.

We have neighbours who do this at Christmas. I don't really enjoy large groups of people but go to support them and assume it's something they enjoy. It wouldn't occur to me to organise a similar party because a. It would seem a bit rude as though we were trying to steal their thunder. b. I wouldn't really enjoy it. c. We can't at the moment really afford it anyway.

Pre-children we always had our closest friends round for riotous evenings and started having more people round for dinner and parties several years ago when we moved further away and found ourselves quite isolated.

We love going to parties and mixing with a large social circle so if we want to feel comfortable accepting people's invitations we have to contribute our fair share. It does take confidence. DH's family is not very gregarious or outgoing, mine is but I'm quite shy and proud and always dreaded getting it wrong. We had to force ourselves and with practice are getting quite good at it now.

Mind you, I'm feeling the pinch financially after hosting three dos with different friends and family over Christmas/New Year. We'll be living on leftovers and emptying the freezer for meals for the next few weeks.

Lying that's fine if you have the money for it but not everyone does.

Chch I didn't mean to suggest something expensive, not at all. Lots of people don't have money to do much beyond day to day living. I just meant something to show the host that you appreciate them. Homemade shortbread? A treasured book from a charity shop that you know they will love? A knitted something or other , that kind of thing.

I don't think friends expect an equal balance and particularly when they know that their own friends can't perhaps match the outlay - but I think it's possible to do some small things to show that you (general) appreciate the invitations.

I really didn't mean to make anybody feel badly about this so if I have, please accept my apology.

I think that you don't have to host people in your house to be a generous, reciprocal friend, if having guests is impractical for you or you just don't like it. If you are always the one on hand with relevant advice; you sort out their tax return for them, or frequently fix their laptop when they've downloaded another bloody virus; if you babysit for them or give them lifts all the time, then you are doing your share of giving rather than taking with no return.

All of the above.
House is a tip. We have a SN teen who is shouty, incontintinent or if he does use the loo leaves it in a dreadful state.

Otoh we dont go anywhere either

Reciprocation is the glue that holds relationships together. If you only give or only take from a particular friend it becomes lopsided.I don't buy into the "but we only have a tiny kitchen". It really doesn't take much to lay on a plate of food and glass of something.

This.

We host a big party every year (60-70) and are invited to something back by less than a fifth.

I get that some people are nervous hosts, not happy with house layout etc. I don’t expect to be invited back to a full on big party. But a Sunday lunch or a casual supper would be nice. Even a drink! Of those that come to our party every year that don’t invite us back, I reckon they cover the following reasons:

• they don’t like us enough “on our own”. Happy enough to come to our party, but don’t want us in their home alone
• they are set in their ways with the existing people they invite over and can’t be arsed to deviate from this
• they don’t have children and don’t want to invite us over with the kids or assume it’ll be a problem for us to get a babysitter
• they’re not confident hosts.

My parents always had big parties so they are a normal thing to me, and I love cooking etc. But as mentioned, I get that people don’t all want to have parties. But it’s rude to go to someone’s party every year and never invite them to your place for a simple supper in return.

I've only read the first page.
I do reciprocate invites but, as with plans for play dates and drinks out, I worry people won't come/ will say no and don't want to be with us.
It's a ridiculous notion but it is what bothers me.
I do ensure I reciprocate but probably don't do it often enough.

Same issue here, holding parties etc and some people turning up, and they have not invited us or the kids out for cup of tea/ drinks/ olaydate / anything in five years! Aren’t they embarrassed?!?!

Anyway I have started only inviting the people who have invited us places. Avoiding the takers. It’s quite liberating plus the reciprocal people are the more fun ones. Trufact.

We moved into a complete renovation project in march last year and I was so embarrassed by it that I wouldn't let anyone in. My friends park at my house in the morning and we all walk the children to school from there, I really, really hated whenever one of them asked if they could pop to the loo and often considered saying no!
It could be that your neighbours feel this way.
However, I always made a point of saying to our friends that they'd obviously be invited to ours once I was no longer embarrassed by the house so they were aware we weren't taking advantage. We have had people round since

My jaw is still on the floor after reading the post by Lasswithedelicateair.

A sponger suggesting you have a second party on the ‘profits’ (bottles brought by guests) at the end of January!!!!

Again, a full scale party is not required order to show hospitality. It can be a coffee and cake for a couple of people.

So for those who say they have small houses or cluttered houses or not much money, it is possible over time to have quite a few people over in ones and twos for a drink or a drink and a cake or a cream tea, or something very simple and very cheap.

Most people are not keeping count of how many times they have hosted and how many times they have been invited back. They don't require equality in this sense and that isn't the reason they host. However, when someone consistently accepts hospitality over a long period, some sign of occasional reciprocity is in my view important. It doesn't have to be equal frequency or like with like, but a friendly, hospitable gesture. So, if you have been to the same neighbours for the last 10 years for a Christmas party, inviting those hosts (on their own if space is an issue) for a summer sit in your garden for a glass of something, or for a coffee and a cake one winter afternoon isn't really beyond anyone, health issues excluded. Health issues excluded, I can't see why anyone would think it was okay to go to someone else's house and accept their hospitality over an extended period and to never offer any form of hospitality of any kind.

And I get that hospitality comes easily to some people and not so easily to others. That's fine - these are all kinds of things in life we sometimes find difficult, which actually we need to bite the bullet with and make a small effort - and in my view, this is one of those. Again, it can be as simple as a coffee and cake and doesn't have to involve lots of effort, expense or space.