AIBU to wonder if earlier generations really viewed early miscarriages differently?

[KitKat1985]

Just interested in garnering opinions on this really. I have debated whether to post this at all as I'm aware the subject matter is a sensitive one for a lot of people, so I've tried to really clear in the title that it's a thread about early miscarriages so those who don't want to read the whole post don't have to. But it's a conversation that really got me wondering recently so wanted to hear some views on it. I had a conversation recently with some women who were from a previous generation (think late 50's onwards). They basically said that back when they were having babies you weren't even really considered to be pregnant until you had missed two periods (so I guess would be about 8 weeks). They said they may have had occasions whereby they were late etc, but if they bled before the '2 missed period' mark they said they just put it down as 'one of those things', and were a bit dismissive about people in this generation who would report being really upset because they were having a miscarriage when it was very early on in their pregnancy. They also said that these days because of early sensitivity tests etc, people often consider themselves to be pregnant sometimes before their period is even late, which in their opinion was wrong and just led to a lot more heartbreak if things then didn't progress well. I'm wondering if they're telling the whole truth or not about how previous generations viewed early miscarriages. I can't completely believe that in a previous generation women didn't also feel a bit devastated if they started bleeding after they were late, and therefore must have probably also worked out that they were having an early pregnancy loss. I can to some extent sympathise with their theory though that testing really early can lead to more heartache. Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago? Or do you think it was just more a taboo subject and if women were very upset about early losses they were just under societal pressure not to say it?

*miscarried, not missed carried.

I don't agree, but this is going from personal experience.

My mum had a miscarriage for a much wanted baby number 5.

I remember I was about 8yo and we gave the baby a name and she will still mention it now.

My mum is 70s now.

My auntie, who is well in her 50s suffered multiple miscarriages and was devastated every time.

So I think it is a personal thing, not an age thing.

Every generation thinks they invented sex. And it appears they think they invented grief as well.......

As someone who has experienced profound grief, I disagree with this statement mostly strongly.... Individual grief is a personal thing.....

How can you disagree with it? It’s saying that very thing.

SardineJam I’m in my mid-60’s. I never told anyone I was miscarrying after I had my first miscarriage. I found it more upsetting to receive sympathy from people - for weeks afterwards. I had about five more MC’s and never missed a day of work. It’s easier to just get on with life I think. I did have another baby and it was well worth the wait.

I don’t think Russell meant it’s not individual Chottie?
I hate these threads - they pop up from time to time - and are full of misinformation and insensitivity, along with some harrowing stories from people who “get” it. I read it but it’s like picking a scab.

I’ve been pregnant 4 times. I didn’t need to test I just knew. Breasts felt different & my mouth had an odd taste.

Had 2 mcs at 8-9 weeks. No way could I have mistaken them for a heavy period.

Also I need medication as soon as I’m pregnant otherwise pregnancy isn’t even viable. So for me it’s not self absorbed or indulgent to know I’m pregnant. And because my condition is hereditary it won’t be for my dds either.

My mother-in-law knows about the still-born older brother she should have had - including his name; this would have been early 40s I think.
My own mother had a series of miscarriages in the early 70s, all different and some fairly serious. She was under close obstetric management before having me - and in fact had I not survived she was probably about to stop trying. I can't remember not knowing about it, nor it being talked about excessively; so she must have mentioned it occasionally in an age-appropriate way. She struggled when I went to 42 weeks with mine though - I was born at 35 weeks (stopped moving) and she was allowed to go to 36 and no further with my younger sister.

Actually I do think this is all interlinked with feminism and minimising women’s pain.

Oh Charolais 💐 I can imagine it sometimes is easier not to say anything, I think personally for me I would have gone crazy with grief. MIL's mum is lovely so I'm sure she would've be supportive had she known but I guess we all have our own ways of dealing.

I think the difference in attitude to miscarriage is less about availability of tests and more about the way in which we plan our families now.

In the past - maybe up to the 70s/80s - having children was rite of passage for most women, it was something that you simply did. You got married and you had children. If it happened this month, next month, next year then that was ok, as long as it didn't go in for too long of course.

Now It's more a case of actively deciding to become parents as a lifestyle choice, and we want to be able to choose the optimal moment. So if the extremely well planned pregnancy fails, it is devastating because our very precise dream of what our life should be has fallen apart. That is very different to the way in which earlier generations set about creating a family.

Unless you have a history of multiple miscarriages and are having active treatment/investigations to assist implantation or establish pregnancy experiencing a miscarriage is just as likely today as it was 30 to 40 years ago. Probably less likely than 40 years + since we know more about risks that smoking, diet and general health have on conception and early pregnancy. But the chances of preventing a miscarriage once it has started are still nil. Our DMs and GDMs had a distinct advantage in that early testing wasn’t available so late periods were late periods.
Having experienced multiple miscarriages, although devastating at the time, I don’t grieve them in the same way I grieve my DM ( who died aged 54) or my DF ( who died age 66). Before having DS I used to mark Mothers day by planting a plant in my garden, it represented both the loss of my DM but also (privately) my own loss of motherhood.
Previous generations had experienced devastating losses during the two world wars and prior to that due to high infant mortality rates. It was common when asked how many children you had to reply “x living “ indicating you had lost children. Before contraception large families were the norm and the early loss of a pregnancy may well have been welcomed. I remember talking to an Aunt of a friend who brought up her family between the wars during the depression. After the birth of her 6th child her mother turned to her husband and told him to “stick it out of the window” next time he got the urge!
My heart goes out to anyone who suffers a miscarriage but I also worry about this culture of early testing and announcing pregnancy at such an early stage. So many women are ignorant of the limitations of obstetrics at this early stage.

Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago?

Your premise is flawed. Different to what? Now? People don't all view it the same way now, same as they didn't then.
Question makes no sense.

I thought my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage (I later discovered I was still pregnant), I wasn't upset, I was young and not desperate for a baby. There was no social media back then, so no reminders, no pictures of pregnancy tests and chalk board, baby/adult shoe type pregnancy announcements.

Depends how far back we're talking about, but 100+ years ago some women may have been relieved to miscarry, given that there was no contraception so that some women were giving birth every year. It's not that life was cheap then, but maybe things were harder. My grandmother was one of 16.

I had my children plus one miscarriage in late 70s/early 80s and I remember buying a pregnancy testing kit in the chemists, and it really wasn't very expensive, so I was a little surprised at an earlier comment on this thread saying that they were difficult to get hold of and expensive.

And yeah I may be in my 50s and there may have been no social media when I had my first miscarriage but too right, I was upset.

I bet you a lot of the women were bloody relieved when the missed period didn't turn into (another) pregnancy.

And even if they were upset, they had x number of other children to look after so they probably didn't have time to grieve.

It's different these days because women can mostly avoid a pregnancy in the first place if they so wish. In the olden days, not so much.

Elementally, I think you have a point about the planning aspect.

My mum trotted out the 'you wouldn't have known you were pregnant in the past' line to me when I had my first mmc at 12 weeks. I pointed out that the vomiting followed by severe blood loss might have made me wonder at least. A little while later she told an old school friend of hers that I had lost a baby and the friend then told her all about her early mc and how much it hurt, physically and emotionally. She never told me I wouldn't have known again.

So some of it is simply experience. My mum never had a mc so just believed what society told her. Her friend experienced all the pain and grief but society told her to tell no one. Both situations are sad.

I had a clomid pregnancy and my fertility nurse banned me testing before 8 week mark. I tested before because I was so sick, told her and she wasn't impressed at all.

I’m 54 and pregnancy tests were readily available for early testing when I had ds1 29 years ago. I knew for all four of my pregnancies that I was pregnant just after missing a period. Positive test, trip to the drs for a blood test, results two days later. Had a missed miscarriage with third and definitely did not, nor was I expected, to do the stuff upper lip thing. This was, on the other hand, true of my dm’s generation born in 1937.

HPTs were at least a tenner in the 80s and 90s, when I was in my teens/20s, which compared to today when they're available in Poundland was pretty expensive. You had to be pretty certain that you might be pregnant before shelling out a few hours' wages, basically.

I think these days we (quite correctly and I wouldn't have it any other way) expect to have total control over our fertility, and it comes as more of a surprise to us when things go wrong than it might have done for women born before about 1950.

I think its an individual thing. I had 2 miscarriages in the first trimester and did not get particularly upset. I see it as just part of life and so many pregnancies end in early miscarriages. I do understand people are devastated by a miscarriage of they battle infertility, but otherwise I just see it as one of those things personally and I am in my 40s. I think its individual how women react to a miscarriage and not generational.