AIBU to wonder if earlier generations really viewed early miscarriages differently?

[KitKat1985]

Just interested in garnering opinions on this really. I have debated whether to post this at all as I'm aware the subject matter is a sensitive one for a lot of people, so I've tried to really clear in the title that it's a thread about early miscarriages so those who don't want to read the whole post don't have to. But it's a conversation that really got me wondering recently so wanted to hear some views on it. I had a conversation recently with some women who were from a previous generation (think late 50's onwards). They basically said that back when they were having babies you weren't even really considered to be pregnant until you had missed two periods (so I guess would be about 8 weeks). They said they may have had occasions whereby they were late etc, but if they bled before the '2 missed period' mark they said they just put it down as 'one of those things', and were a bit dismissive about people in this generation who would report being really upset because they were having a miscarriage when it was very early on in their pregnancy. They also said that these days because of early sensitivity tests etc, people often consider themselves to be pregnant sometimes before their period is even late, which in their opinion was wrong and just led to a lot more heartbreak if things then didn't progress well. I'm wondering if they're telling the whole truth or not about how previous generations viewed early miscarriages. I can't completely believe that in a previous generation women didn't also feel a bit devastated if they started bleeding after they were late, and therefore must have probably also worked out that they were having an early pregnancy loss. I can to some extent sympathise with their theory though that testing really early can lead to more heartache. Do you think early miscarriages really were viewed differently a generation ago? Or do you think it was just more a taboo subject and if women were very upset about early losses they were just under societal pressure not to say it?

I had my first miscarriage at 19, 30 years ago at 9 weeks (had a boyfriend who worked away, lived in as a nanny and kept a diary so knew date of conception) doctor said it’s not a miscarriage just a heavy bleed!

It was only at my 11th and last miscarriage that the doctor told me that a heavy bleed would be a miscarriage.

Thanks for your replies. I think you're right. It's probably a mix of 'stiff upper lip' syndrome and a greater general reluctance to consider themselves pregnant until they were further along, so to some extent I think the older generation did think about early miscarriages differently. But, I think if they did realise that they had a loss, I'm sure it was no less devastating.

I also think we’re mixing our generations up.

I’m mid 50s and had my first MC in 1991 . Dr didn’t question my hpt and sent me for a scan as soon as I started to miscarry - 6 or 7 weeks.

You could certainly test on the day you were due and tests weren’t that expensive.

It’s also not my experience of having DC 20 years ago that people didn’t tell anyone until the 12 week scan.

For a start I didn’t have a scan until I was 18 weeks with DD (1993).

If HPTs are viewed as “bad progress”, are IVF, other fertility treatments, C Sections and treatments for premature babies also viewed that way? Posters have outlined reasons why knowing quickly that you are pg can be very important, but others are choosing to ignore this.

My mum is nearly 70 and she can't understand why people make such a big deal about a miscarriage. She thinks people should just get on with it.

My friend who is about 60 now says that when she had a late miscarriage/stillbirth ( definitely knew she was pregnant, though I'm not sure exactly when it happened), she actually felt pressure to grieve, to name it, have a funeral etc, and her husband did want these things, so they did. But she herself said that she didn't feel it was a baby that she had bonded to, she didn't feel grief in the way that she was expected to, wouldn't have wanted to name it or have a funeral if her husband hadn't wanted those things, etc. She felt she would have found it easier in an earlier generation when things were more swept under the carpet, but that when she had hers, the general advice was to treat it as a bereavement and that she'd have been seen as cold and abnormal if she hadn't wanted to.

Late 50s?

I think you have a rather shaky grasp of history!

My mum is nearly 70 and she can't understand why people make such a big deal about a miscarriage. She thinks people should just get on with it.
Probably more to do with her personality than her age.

We didn’t know we were pregnant as early and a missed period was considered just a late period until it was two missed periods when the GP would consider a test. Many late periods were infact miscarriages that were assumed to be a very heavy period because we’d missed one so therefore the womb lining was thicker. There were no tests available within days like there are today and on hindsight I probably miscarried more than once in early pregnancy.

At the end of the 80’s I did a home test but they were unreliable (and expensive) and you had to wait until you had missed a period, and the GP would not accept the results so you still had to wait for a test. I think today you can test within days of conceiving.

Certainly many early miscarriages weren’t acknowledged amongst my generation and older as the pregnancy had not been confirmed.

I am not of that generation (36) but I agree with the
generalisations that you made.

There's a girl at work. She Did a pregnancy test 2 days after the date she was due on, and was pregnant. She Lost the baby a week later and was heartbroken.

I kept thinking if she hadn't done the test until she missed a 2nd period then she wouldn't have even known.

(Not saying she didn't have a right to be upset etc but would have saved the heart ache... and 3 weeks off work that she couldn't afford :-/ )

You know, it’s impossible to generalise.

I think people generally had no idea they were pregnant as early as they do now, which has changed the way many view miscarriages. I think many were had and people didn't even realize...

She may have known immediately. There are signs other than a missed period you know.

“Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy;
My sin was too much hope of thee, lov'd boy.
Seven years tho' wert lent to me, and I thee pay,
Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.
O, could I lose all father now! For why
Will man lament the state he should envy?
To have so soon 'scap'd world's and flesh's rage,
And if no other misery, yet age?
Rest in soft peace, and, ask'd, say, "Here doth lie
Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry."
For whose sake henceforth all his vows be such,
As what he loves may never like too much.”

This was written in 1603. Tell me this man wasn’t grieving for his dead son.......l

Just marking my place. Really ingesting discussion - will read later.

My DM is in her 70s, had multiple v late miscarriages and a stillbirth and while she doesn't think people should just get on with it, she does feel people go too far today.

Compared to a contemporary who has had a stillbirth, where the baby had a name and is known about and talked about in the family, I only found out my DM's history very late in life. In modern parlance I suppose I was her rainbow baby and she just thinks she was very lucky and that was that. Everything else was in the past and she doesn't have names for them or think about them as potential lives or remember their birthdays. However she was clearly

deeply affected by her experience of infertility and traumatic pregnancy and will talk about this a lot.

Talking about pregnancy tests, well yes they existed but they were expensive. They weren't available in the pound shop and you didn't do test after test to make sure.

Another factor if we're talking several generations ago is that life was just a lot harder for most people. If you've already got ten children that you're struggling to house and clothe and feed, I think women might reasonably have felt a certain relief on miscarrying, rather than devastation. I also don't think there was the same expectation that having children would happen straightforwardly - labour was dangerous, post-partum illnesses could be fatal, infant mortality was higher and so on. So I suspect that even where a miscarriage was a disappointment, the grief was experienced within a very different context.

Looking back at what has X-posted while I was writing -

My DM insists she knew exactly when she was pregnant every single time 'because she just knew' and when she was losing them. For her, medicine was up to date enough to prove her right, sadly.

However she wasn't in the late period category.

am now thinking I know too much about my DM

I think some people (particularly those who have been there done that) often forget how they felt emotionally about something and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had a miscarriage at 19 and it was very unpleasant, I had to actually have an abortion because it wouldn't leave my body. At first I was ok and thought that it was probably for the best as I wasn't in a stable relationship and felt quite young etc. But after I recovered physically it completely ruined me mentally and I am now having treatment for depression as a result. It affects people in different ways, I'm now 24 so it's taken it's toll x

Due to medical reasons, I knew I was more likely to have an early miscarriage than most. I talked it over with the medical professional who gave us the diagnosis, and he said he would advise not testing unless I had missed two periods, which is what I have done.

I have had a few times when I went without a period for 7 weeks, then had a really heavy period. I know that these may have been early miscarriages, but I am not traumatised by them. The one I had between ds1 and ds2 did leave me feeling a bit gutted, as I was pretty convinced I was pg, but it was no more than that, a disappointment because I really wanted another dc and was worried I would not be able to have another. I got pg with ds2 soon after and the disappointment passed.

I do think for me having a positive pg result and then a mc would have made it harder, specially as conception was very very unlikely in the first place. So I'm glad that I always waited before testing.

I didn't tell anyone till after the 12 week scan. I gave birth in 2008.

I honestly think that's still a common approach.