In wanting sahd dh to get a job

[witcheshats]

So today dh and I have been discussing our plans for 2018. He has been a sahd since we had dc (youngest now 5 and eldest 7) mainly because he had no career and I did.

When we first married he had some regular work to do with foreign students and it was regular and quite well-paid. He earned about 18k working about 4 non-consecutive months, so that on top of my salary (teacher) was great, and it mainly took place in school holidays so we had no childcare to pay as family helped out for the few weeks when it didn't. I thought this a near-perfect arrangement but he often moaned that he hated the work (boring apparently) and the people were so dull and conventional (unlike his stoner musician mates) and we could never have a holiday - we can't really afford one anyway.

Over the years, the work has fallen away and for the past two years he hasn't worked at all. I believe he had some sort of fall-out with his boss but I'm not really sure what happened. He thinks he's been treated unfairly, I think he may have antagonised her and done something wrong, but obviously will never really know.

I said nothing about his lack of work initially because it kind of fell away gradually and anyway he was at home with the dc. However, they are now both at school so I would like it if he started earning. We haven't discussed it much, but whenever we do he gets very defensive and says I don't care about him, want to see him stacking shelves etc etc. He has no real qualifications, aside from in the very specific field he appears to have cut himself off from, so I suppose he is quite limited in what he could go for, but that isn't my fault.

He is writing a book, has been for years, has had a few articles published in local magazines, plays in a band etc etc and I know he wants to expand all of that stuff, but meanwhile I am left with sole responsibility for bringing in money.

Anyway, today he revealed he has no intention of 'wasting time' on a 'shitty' job this year and instead would like to do a masters degree in creative writing. Obviously, this would have to be paid for out of my salary. I am devastated and just feel so lost and helpless. When I said I wasn't sure he got angry and said he would support me in anything I wanted to do, but that has a hollow ring to it somehow. He's now up in the attic and his fucking music is on and I'm pissed off.

If it's relevant and so as not to dripfeed, he is a good sahd and has done a fair bit with the dc in terms of playgroups etc, and he also loves cooking and does a lot from scratch - I rarely cook. He does most day to day cleaning/laundry and I do very little, though I pretty much take over with the dc when I'm home. I would obviously do more if he worked. He also has MS, though is not impaired by it atm and hasn't had an attack for three years.

AIBU or is he?

As to inviting strangers to comment on him when they don't know his side and how his MS affects him, that is true of any number of threads on here, if we substitute the MS for any number of other factors that may or may not be referred to in the many threads people post criticising others, fairly or unfairly. Hopefully ex has a support network - he certainly has a lot of financial support from his mother (which also predates his MS), but MN is mine. I'm sorry if you've been offended, but my comments about ex's MS don't detract form your experiences, or those of others with the disease.

True but people don't normally (I think) post as supportive wives of someone with MS (or whatever) when they are actually exes who are talking about a situation that happened years ago with the aim of getting everyone to slag the ex off because they are angry with them. It is no wonder that you liked lborgia post and ignorant comment that “the MS is by-the-by, if he hasn’t had an attack for 3 years, it doesn’t make any difference to him doing what he wants to do”. I for one, would not have bothered posting or reading the thread if I had known your OP was so disingenuous.

I think it’s a bit off to accuse someone for having a sinister motive for remembering a similar earlier post.

Some people have good memories - or a good reason to remember something.

And, as it turns out, roomster was completely right.

I think it’s a bit off to accuse someone for having a sinister motive for remembering a similar earlier post.

Agreed.

I thought I remembered the OP from a similar thread some time ago where the gist of it was that OP (whoever she was) was asking whether her husband was unreasonable to want to go off on a holiday of a lifetime w/o his family.

Some way through the thread she revealed he had MS.

That thread may not be this OP but I could remember the bare bones of it and it instantly sprang to mind when reading this thread. No A/S Or stalky-ness required.

If you're asking whether you could have saved your marriage four years ago, OP, it sounds as though the answer is no. He was already having a long term affair and you've obviously never felt that he prioritised his family. I don't think you need to beat yourself up about the path you took. It sounds pretty inevitable.

I guess I just wonder what attracted you to him in the first place but that's not relevant now either.

Good luck with it all. Onward and upward.

I think it’s a bit off to accuse someone for having a sinister motive for remembering a similar earlier post

I also agree. And what was the point of that post about the headphones? That was bizarre

OP you’d be better accepting he has MS, earns very little if anything, has no plans or is not able to change that, and, as other posters have said, pursue maintenance via cms

Well I’m glad to hear that you did split, and I’m sorry things are tough financially and that you worry about the future of your dc. I would pursue via the cms, you clearly did the right thing.

He sounds like an arse. Is he smoking weed?
Tell him to get a job, stop pissing about trying to write a book & go & earn some money. I have no idea why you’re supporting him.

@Nitrobetty1 Maybe RTFT

He is your ex. Absolutely none of your business.

Sorry, but that's complete and utter bollocks. How is it none of my business when we have two children who never figure in his decision-making and he likes to blame me for his predicament whenever the subject arises?

*I'm sorry if you've been offended, but my comments about ex's MS don't detract form your experiences, or those of others with the disease.

It does actually because it leads to complete nonsense that has been said on this thread about MS.*

I'm not responsible for what people extrapolate about MS from my experiences. It's not my intention that they do that, but if they do I don't see why I should never post anything negative about my ex in case people make generalisations.

people don't normally (I think) post as supportive wives of someone with MS (or whatever) when they are actually exes who are talking about a situation that happened years ago with the aim of getting everyone to slag the ex off because they are angry with them.

Are you deliberately ignoring everything I've said about ex except from his MS? The specific situation may have happened years ago, but the repercussions of this and his other actions are still very much being felt by me and my children. I posted for support, not just to get people to slag him off. It was stupid and I wish now I hadn't done it, obviously, but I wasn't sitting there cackling with glee at what a roasting he was getting by any means. And please do go on ignoring the fact that his reluctance to work predates his MS.

*I thought I remembered the OP from a similar thread some time ago where the gist of it was that OP (whoever she was) was asking whether her husband was unreasonable to want to go off on a holiday of a lifetime w/o his family.

Some way through the thread she revealed he had MS.*

Yes that was me too. He wanted to pay for a trip to NYC, where he had been twice before, to celebrate a friend's 40th. It would have had to go on a CC, which was at the time a very big deal as I had only just gone back from maternity leave the second time and a lot of that was paid for with a CC. Had he gone on the trip I would probably still be paying for it now - well, I did clear the last of the debts when I paid him out of the mortgage, so I still have them really but not on a cc. But people think that kind of financial irresponsibility is fine if you have MS? Even if you have dc too? I should have revealed his MS at the beginning of the thread, but other than that I believe I was not unreasonable not to want him to go on that trip.

What continues to upset me is that he broached the subject of doing the masters knowing he had been unfaithful for two years. I think he'd made the decision to stay with me, despite clearly not loving me, to keep the financial stability I provided. But he didn't only want the stability, he wanted me to fund dream projects like the MA too. I think that's an appalling way to treat anyone, but obviously I'm ridiculous for still needing to discuss it sometimes nw. No doubt if he had done the course he would have met someone on that to shag too. I may as well say now that I strongly suspect the reason he had to leave the good job he had was that he slept with someone there - I don't have proof but do have some circumstantial evidence and I'm pretty convinced.

So after all that, when I think, as I still sometimes do, about all the things that have passed between us, the first thought to spring to my mind isn't that he has MS and that that may be the cause of his callousness and complete disregard for the well-being of me, as the mother of his children, or for the financial security of the dc themselves. It isn't the root of his behaviour, but if I ever get into any kind of discussion about him without mentioning it, it inevitably comes up and then it looks like I'm drip-feeding and callously minimising it.

Finally, someone late to the thread asked if he smokes weed. Yes, and has done since long, long before getting MS.

The specific situation may have happened years ago

You are only admitting that because posters remembered you. You posted disingenuously as if it was current.

I wasn't disingenuous. There was nothing insincere about the actual events I wrote about - even the now-embarrassing detail about the headphones happened like that at the time - just about when they happened. And as I have explained, I was looking for perspectives on the events and also just support as I still struggle at times to process everything that has happened over the last few years and the relationship I am still forced to have with this man. But you don't seem capable of empathy or with engaging with anything I say other than something I have already admitted to, so, whatever...

But you don't seem capable of empathy

You know sod all about me. So whatever...

Many posters were giving you advice based on the fact you were still together, until posters remembered you.

Go to the CSA for the DC.

And please do go on ignoring the fact that his reluctance to work predates his MS.

Whether or not he was reluctant to work before MS doesn't negate the fact that he may not be able to work now whether he likes it or not. If his actions before MS have always demonstrated that he wasn't going to work even if in good health then I wonder why you had children with him.
You need to accept the fact that he is unlikely to earn much in the future and that you need to claim for CS via the CSA.

You write his lack of commitment and drive and reluctance to work predates his MS and that he is 'selfish'. And he was unfaithful to you too.

The reality is that you partnered up with a selfish, unfaithful man who was also never going to be financially successful. There must have been some traits in him that you originally liked but in the long run those traits were not enough to override the above issues. And there's nothing you can do about it now because if he doesn't want to get a job, then he won't, especially if his mother is helping him out anyway.

At least now that you are divorced, there is a specific contact and support agreement in place, I assume, so you just have to stick to that. You have my sympathy to be solely responsible for your DC and have no financial input from your ex. It must be very stressful but it is what it is. It sounds like he is close to 50 from the time frame you mention so he is unlikely to change a life time of habits at that age. Even if he had previously had a great career, at his age and with a life-limiting illness, unfortunately his employment prospects would still be poorer than most, due to the ageist and ableist attitudes that prevail out there.

I understand your need to get reassurance on whether you were being reasonable four years ago when you refused to pay for his MA (IMO, you made the right decision) but I suggest you try to change how to react to the situation you're in rather than dwell on your ex and his choices because there's sadly nothing you can do about that now.