To let the kids "starve"!

[Wilberforce2]

Ds 9 and Dd 3.5 both have form for not eating dinner, frequent moans of "but I don't like it" can be heard coming from my kitchen at least 5 times a week. I'm sick of it now, ds is the worst and Dd eats much better if ds isn't here (at football or a friends etc) so she has definitely picked it up from him.

Anyway earlier today I cooked a lovely (in my opinion!) lamb roast with everything that they like and only gave them peas and carrots as they are veg that they will both eat but they barely touched it. Dd said she wasn't hungry and ds said he didn't really like it (he has had it a thousand times before), so I'd had enough and told them both to leave the table and that there would be no more food until breakfast tomorrow.

Ds currently just stamped up the stairs in a strop because he is "starving to death" and Dd is intermittently crying because she wants a lolly from the freezer. Dh is close to caving in and giving them toast or fruit but I say we keep going and they can go to bed bloody hungry because I'm fed up with them!!

So AIBU to let them "starve" at least until 7am tomorrow?

Are they actually hungry when you serve dinner?

A lot of kids are still allowed to snack or 'graze' as it's now known, even just 2 hours before a meal.

If they were truly hungry they'd eat the meal as long as they liked it.

Child cruelty? What utter bollocks-he was offered a banana & refused it so clearly not starving
We also have 2 options at meal times, eat it-don't eat it. On the very rare occasion they choose the latter I save it-not once have they not come later & asked for their meal.

Worra,

DS could not have eaten a meal he liked if someone had accidentally added gravy, or in the absence of one of his 'trusted food suppliers'.

Yes, most non-anxious NT children would eat most food that they liked, if they were genuinely hungry. Anxious, or non-NT children, might not, because it might 'look wrong', or one aspect might be not quite right about it, or simply that it wasn't served on the right day.

Well done on sticking to your guns. I wonder if this is attention seeking on their part?

I am sorry to warn you this might never end. My DD is 22. She came home from work on Christmas Eve and threw a mini hissy fit because I hadn't made an evening meal. This is quite normal in our house where we tend to fend for ourselves on working days, she was just tired and grumpy. I listed the various things she could have including roast turkey and three different sorts of bread, two of them homemade. She rolled her eyes to heaven and said 'you KNOW I hate turkey!' And stomped off upstairs. She came down after her shower in a much happier mood and made turkey sandwiches for herself and her dad and admitted that it was ok ....for turkey. Turkey, a meat she has loved since childhood

[DS would not have eaten a 'Sunday Roast' on a day that wasn't Sunday, for example]

If ours were hungry after leaving dinner we always said,”There’s bread, there’s cheese.”
I don’t think I could let them go to bed hungry.

@ihearttc - whilst it is true that no food is bad for you, per se, some foods should not form a large proportion of a diet, if the diet is to be a healthy one.

So my question should, perhaps, be - to those posters who think children should be asked what they want to eat - what do you do if they choose a diet that is, overall, unhealthy? If all they choose is sugary cereal, crisps, and pizza?

Surely we, as parents, have a responsibility to ensure that our children have as healthy a diet as possible, and that may be more to do with giving them what they need than purely giving them what they want.

I agree with trinity. When I was young I was told I had to eat lamb or have nothing for the rest of the day. I ate it, then was sick as I couldn’t stand the taste. That experience really put me of lamb, and I will never eat it now.

My FiL used to find a way to get at DS (who he doesn't like because DS resembles me...) by deliberately cooking food he knew he wouldn't like - smoked fish poached in milk, green beans and mashed potatoes with swede - and then niggling at him for being 'fussy'

DS was quite genuinely intolerant of certain food. He was dairy intolerant, and also sufferer from toddler diarrhea after a horrible tummy upset - doctor's best guess is that all food, especially non bland food, hurt him for a period of a year or two. He also had many ASD traits due to anxiety, and for example couldn't handle sauces which touched his food, and had 'trusted food sources' (me, my mum, the school [after a battle])

That’s genuinely evil. Your FIL, not your or your son.

He gave a child with ‘food issues’ food they wouldn’t eat and had an intolerance for because he wanted to call them names and niggle them.

I do think that there’s a difference between children that are simply trying their luck (I’d rather have cereal than veggies) and children with ‘food issues’.

I might have missed an update but the OP made it seem like her DC were the former.

what stdg say's, if you have 3 kids you cant ask what they want for tea, they will all say different things and i don't want to or can afford to cook 3 meals. I always make meals they like apart from the youngest who decides weekly she doesn't like something she ate and enjoyed the week before. IDK why she does it, its obviously an attention thing not a food thing

can't

My son did this a lot when he was about 3 or 4. He regularly went to bed without his dinner, because he had just decided that he didn't like his tea that night. I never gave him something he didn't like or hadn't eaten hundreds of times before, it was just him trying to establish that he was in charge. He has once had spag bol for breakfast, a bit of a grumble but he scoffed it down and then followed it up with cereal and toast! Apparently one of the best breakfast ever, could I have it again please mum!😀
One of the school mums called me a food nazi because I insisted my son ate the same as us, I just laughed because at least I want cooking 3 current meals a night like her!
Stick to your guns, if he is truly hungry your son will have fruit!

I think you have to stick by your guns or this will be an argument that keeps on happening. Food is too expensive to waste.
They will not starve, they will remember the lesson!

I might have missed an update but the OP made it seem like her DC were the former.

It does sound like that is the case. However, many posters are saying 'all children will will eat when they're hungry / remember this as a lesson / won't starve' etc, and i did just want to point out that there are some children for whom this is not the case, and for whom such blanket advice / judgment can be extremely painful (both to the children and to their parents).

DS was not 'fussy'. He didn't need to be 'left to starve'. He wouldn't 'eat when he was hungry'. He wouldn't 'learn his lesson'. I didn't 'pander to my child's whims'. however, being told all those things, over and over and over again didn't help either DS's anxiety nor my confidence as a parent of a child who didn't quite 'follow the normal pattern'.

Eleanor but he does like lamb and has eaten it many times before I would never force them to eat something they genuinely didn't like. He is just really fussy and frequently says he isn't hungry but an hour later wants chocolate or cereal, it's now rubbing off on my dd so it has to stop.

Anyway he is now in bed after having a cup of milk and is in no way starving! Tomorrow is chicken and chorizo pasta bake (chorizo picked out) which he will eat without any moaning because he is off to an evening football game with Dh!

Thanks for all you Fb the advice, going to have a proper read through and will take a look at the blog posted, will see how the rest of the week goes. Proud of myself though for doing it even though Dh nearly cracked and would have had them eating coco pops!

DH shouldn't get to be good cop, I hope he backs you up.

Child cruelty claim is ridiculous. We won't do more than one main meal at ours.

cantkeepawayforever I was talking about the OP's child, who doesn't appear to be anxious or non NT.

I menu plan with mine and ask each of them (and DH!) to pick one day. My middle child is quite fussy but there is usually an element of it that she will eat. As they are older, if they don't like it they can make something else. But that includes washing up too!

When they were younger I would try and only introduce new foods at lunchtime and keep supper 'safe' so they weren't going to bed hungry -I didn't have to deal with moaning, crying etc!-

Strike through fail!

We do eat it or dont & they can have apples, oatcakes, butter & nut butter too. I do try to put something on the table that everyone will eat though. DS rarely eats dinner but he makes up for it with hobbit style (healthy) breakfasts.

Dd has autism so we had to modify our approach a little but it works well.

We have a menu plan for the week, get all the shopping on so we can have any meal on any night. Then dd ‘chooses’ which one we are having from the menu.

It’s not really a choice because I’ve already picked out what we are eating but it makes her feel like she’s got one, and surprisingly enough that (along with a compartmentalised plate) has really improved her eating.

Might be worth a shot?

Have you tried asking your ds what he actually wants for dinner sometimes? They don't always want the same as us - and a lamb dinner would be rank if you're not a good cook/even worse to a 9yr old as it's very fatty and rich meat

Unlike the majority of MN a lovely roast dinner is a nightmare meal for me. I don't like meat, I don't like the texture of meat and I don't like chewing meat. By age 9 eating a plate of roast dead animal which I would have to masticate was a complete non-starter.

I understood that many children don't like the texture / chewing of meat so will eat spag bol, chilli, lasagne, shepherd's pie which although contain meat don't require to be chewed.

Mine stopped that crap when I started reheating their uneaten dinner. And DEFINITELY no ice lollies or anything like that.

It's really hard to stick to your guns, my dc is 7 and I still only give her a side plate portion for dinners and she rarely finishes it even if it's food she loves!

She often leaves her dinner barely touched but has now started self regulating I suppose and saying she will go back to it later which she does even if it's stone cold.

She does have food she goes through phases of eating too much of but I think atleast she is eating as she is a rake.

If she doesn't eat she gets a slice of plain bread and options of fruit.

When at other people's houses she uses the phrase "I'm not hungry for that" when given options which means she's just angling for treats.

Not sure what to suggest other than stick to your guns whatever you do.

My dm served adult sized portions to us as kids and we could never eat it all and one time I vomited as she essentially stood over me making me eat when I really couldn't, so I'm wary of trying to force my child to eat amounts that I think she should even if I already give her a small portion.

Saying that the I don't like it protests when they ate it last week doesn't wash.

I'm in the mean camp. Either make good attempt at dinner without any drama/moaning or they get nothing. Mine would happily pass up dinner for toast later if allowed