To let the kids "starve"!

[Wilberforce2]

Ds 9 and Dd 3.5 both have form for not eating dinner, frequent moans of "but I don't like it" can be heard coming from my kitchen at least 5 times a week. I'm sick of it now, ds is the worst and Dd eats much better if ds isn't here (at football or a friends etc) so she has definitely picked it up from him.

Anyway earlier today I cooked a lovely (in my opinion!) lamb roast with everything that they like and only gave them peas and carrots as they are veg that they will both eat but they barely touched it. Dd said she wasn't hungry and ds said he didn't really like it (he has had it a thousand times before), so I'd had enough and told them both to leave the table and that there would be no more food until breakfast tomorrow.

Ds currently just stamped up the stairs in a strop because he is "starving to death" and Dd is intermittently crying because she wants a lolly from the freezer. Dh is close to caving in and giving them toast or fruit but I say we keep going and they can go to bed bloody hungry because I'm fed up with them!!

So AIBU to let them "starve" at least until 7am tomorrow?

Yokes, sorry @trinity but your advice sounds like my worst nightmare!

Everyone should be eating the same meals, within reason. If you haven't saved the meal to reheat then on this occasion I would give in to toast, but for all future meals they can either return to what they were eating, or go without.

How would you like it as an adult to get a meal plonked in front of you that you might not necessarily like or even fancy that evening.

Pretty happy. Especially if someone were to plonk breakfast infront of me as well.

oh me too! Please someone just plonk my meals in front of me!

Children aren’t adults ... they won’t necessarily make healthy or wise choices, that’s what parents are for, to guide them and make sure they eat well, brush their teeth, sleep enough etc - if all the decisions were left up to them they may well live on pizza and never go to bed! I’d refuse any more food tbh, sending a strong message that dinner is there to be eaten.

YANBU.

When our kids were younger, and even now sometimes , we would leave their meals on the table telling them that they'd be there if they were hungry later. If they were genuinely hungry they'd go back, if they weren't and were just angling for junk they wouldn't. :)

Starve them. Give them gruel if they are hungry. Make them work for their keep. The little one would fit perfectly up the chimneys, to give it a good clean. The boy could go down pit. I bet they would both be far too hungry, and tired to turn their noses up at lovely roast dinner, after a day of back breaking work.

Ever since my son was 1 if he didn't eat his dinner it would go in the fridge. If he was hungry I would heat it up and he can have it but nothing else. He barely ever does it now but when he does he crys that he's dying. Obviously he's not and if he actually hungry he always caves if not he waits till breakfast. But that's only happened about 6 times in the last year. A night without dinner won't hurt them. You did the right thing putting your foot down

My son hated meat so he would have roast without meat . I am sure they could have ate some of the roast dinner. Don’t start asking what they would like every day you will be cooking three separate things such hard work.

if you've already said nithing else until breakfast then stick to it. Reheat their dinner if they are hungry. They won't starve but they will stop taking the piss or not as this strategy does not apparently work on 3.5 yr old DS who has gone to bed 'starving' a few times becuase dinner is not sweets and therefore been refused

Do stand firm with it. If you know it is something they like, then that is the only choice, not toast, fruit, cereal or making another meal of your choosing. Each week when I do the online shopping I ask everyone to pick a meal, so they have the choice once a week of what the family eats. I always make sure that there is something on everyone’s plate that I know they will eat, for example I know that shepherds pie isn’t a favourite so I make sure I do carrots with it as I know they will be eaten. If I did broccoli there would be nothing on the plate dd would eat, which puts me in a pickle with my ‘eat it or Don’t.
Ime even three year olds understand that if they don’t eat there dinner they don’t get anything else, although I think this time of year is difficult for food, so many treats about and if you are anything like us, there has been a lot of eating out, time with grandparents and parties, so as of tomorrow it’s back to the meat/vegetable/proper food meals.

Rule in my house is that I don't want to hear any complaints, keep it to yourself. Eat or don't eat but don't tell me you're hungry 10 minutes after not eating dinner.

My youngest does this and it drives me mad, i make her something, she doesn't like it, but she had it last week and ate it, said she like this? I frequently catch her out.

What she means is she wants something else, like snack food, cereal instead of a meal.

You are doing the right thing, i wish i had put my foot down as this has gone on for years with my dd and i end up caving in when she wails shes starving.

My Dps you had 3 meals a day, you ate them, got nothing til your next meal and no snacks unless they were flush, supper you had toast or a crumpet if you wanted one. 4 of us are still alive and i cant ever remember us demanding anything other than what was put in front of us, i knew to eat it or that was all i would get or go hungry.

Well Id rather my children enjoy the food they are going to be eating and not made to eat it simply because I tell them they must.

For what it's worth I couldn't eat roast lamb either...I find it incredibly fatty so I wouldn't expect my children to eat it either.

Clearly Im in the minority giving my children options so I will just disappear now to eat my meal that we all decided to eat...fajitas if anyone is interested!

There's a big difference between consulting your children about what's for dinner and just letting them eat rubbish all the time! There is nothing more miserable than being expected to eat food you detest because someone else has decided that's what you're having. If I never see a lentil shepherds pie again in my life it'll be too damn soon! Don't offer alternatives, op, they're not starving they're stopping.

Definitely let them 'starve'. I have two DDs 3 and 7. I've never, ever offered an alternative meal or snacks of dinner not eaten. I always serve stuff I know they'll eat if hungry, new foods kept for lunch rather than dinner.

My children are now grown up but there still hangs on the kitchen wall a plaque which reads:

TODAY'S MENU
2 choices:

1. Take it
2. Leave it

This more or less sums up how it worked when they were kids!
No alternatives were ever offered.

Lots of great answers OP!
You're looking at 'learned behaviour' and the best response is what people are suggesting - this is the meal and there's nothing else...
I would often offer a limited choice, e.g. 'would you prefer your eggs scrambled or poached?' or 'milk or juice to drink?' etc.
Good luck

Do adults all even choose their meals? When DH cooks he doesn't ask me what I want unless he has no idea. And same when I cook. Usually if I cook it's because he's at work and he has better things to do than think about dinner and for me I'm usually driving back from work when he cooks... I'm quite happy having food 'plonked' in front of me when I get home :)

Not sure how you are making them starve. You cooked them a meal, taking their likes and dislikes into account and they have refused to eat it. That is their choice. In no way are they 'starving'.

to people saying that adults wouldn't like having food plonked in front of them.... any adult who behaved like that around food cooked in my house, wouldn't be invited to eat again.

This sounds exactly like my house and im bloody fed up of it!

Dd who is 5 years will refuse her meals and then ask for lollies etc afterwards. She constantly says but i dont like that etc even though she has eaten it fine in the past.

She pesters for fish fingers, chips and sauce or some other rubbish.

She very often goes without tea as she wont eat it and i refuse to let her have anything else. She constantly asks for things in the evening when she barely ate her tea but i dont give in.

She doesnt seem to learn though.

The rules in our house are that you eat what’s been cooked at dinner time with the rest of the family. If you’re not hungry, you still sit at the table with a glass of water and join in the conversation - dinner then goes in the fridge to be reheated if you’re hungry later.

We’ve got a 3 week menu cycle to keep it varied with some days the food that the children like (pizza, chilli), some days food the adults like (fish pie) and some days food that everyone likes (spag bol, roasts, stir fries). The boys know what’s for dinner every night and know that if Monday has something they’re less keen on, Tuesday will have something they like. Days with less liked food they get a smaller portion (everyone chooses their portion size generally) and can have fruit or yoghurt after finishing if they’re still hungry. If they try 5 mouthfuls and don’t like it at all they can have a piece of fruit and I won’t cook it for them again - so far that’s just been the 10 year old and chicken saagwala (I poach his chicken in stock while ours is cooking, I don’t go as far as completely separate meals!).

This blog came up on my FB feed a day or so ago, worth reading?

In your situation OP, I would say that dinner is what they eat if hungry. If not hungry they eat it later. If it’s still not eaten by the following morning they have their usual breakfast and their dinner can be someone else’s leftovers lunch. As you’ve not kept it (and this is a rule change by the sounds of it) I’d let them have fruit this evening but make them aware of what will happen in future.

I don't have 'fussy' kids because my rules are simple. You can eat it. You can not eat it, I don't really mind. But you don't bloody talk about it. No whinging, no whining, no TALK. And thus, no attention. No pleading. No fucking wah wah wah.

So, they sit down. They could, in silence, get down and go and wait in their rooms if they wished. It's always an option.

Funnily enough, they never do. They eat. Because the options are a) eat, or b) don't eat and get no attention. Sometimes they leave a vegetable. As long as they don't TALK about it, I do not mind. They can have dessert. They can say what they LIKE or they ENJOY, but they are outright forbidden from any "I don't like -" whinging.

It works perfectly. They say positive things, leave the things they do not wish to eat, and don't give me any bloody hassle.

So, honestly, I'd completely ignore the whining brats and tell them any meal-talk gets them X minutes sitting on the step or toy confiscation. They can eat, or SILENTLY not eat, their choice.

It's all about the attention. The more opportunities they get to 'talk' about things they like, don't like, want to have a whinge about, the more they will.

Also kids can't ask for lollies if there are no lollies in the house and lollies are never purchased.

I think I would insist that DS starts learning to cook and help from now on at every meal. It really helps picky eaters because it starts digestive juices flowing. Also it helps them see how much work cooking every day is and you can ask them "how would you feel if you cooked this whole meal by yourself and someone was rude about it? Would it upset you?"

We always offered the same nutritious but boring meal (my kids were heartily sick of it) if food was refused. Peanut butter (no jam) on bread with baby carrots. It was available at all times e.g. any time before teeth brushing, even if they were rude. They didn't hate it but heartily disliked it as it was the only option and had to be prepared by the person refusing other food ("someone worked hard to prepare that meal, if you want PB and carrots you need to make it").

If someone was rude about the food at the table then their meal went in the fridge until everyone was done ("people who are polite get to eat with others").

Well, slightly off topic but his thread is making me feel inadequate...mine had pizza and chips last night, and they're having spag bol tonight. DS had a brunch of fish fingers, chips, beans and chicken nuggets today. I say 'brunch' cos no one wanted breakfast. My DD had a corner yogurt.

Actually, that's only partly true-I also couldn't be arsed to get breakfast as I was binge watching Peaky Blinders. I'm aiming high for 2018.

I really need to go back to work.

Happy new year

As you were.

My kids were also always allowed one or two things that they never had to eat, but everything else was up for grabs. They didn't have to eat it but it was expected that they tasted everything (if only the most minute bite). As a teenager my son still says "we are a family who tries" back to me when I don't want to consider something.

If something was cooked that they didn't like but wasn't on their one or two list they always had the option of saying that they'd like PB and carrots. Or they could eat part of the meal (so long as they didn't exceed their share, noone else should go without so you can only eat chicken).