To let the kids "starve"!

[Wilberforce2]

Ds 9 and Dd 3.5 both have form for not eating dinner, frequent moans of "but I don't like it" can be heard coming from my kitchen at least 5 times a week. I'm sick of it now, ds is the worst and Dd eats much better if ds isn't here (at football or a friends etc) so she has definitely picked it up from him.

Anyway earlier today I cooked a lovely (in my opinion!) lamb roast with everything that they like and only gave them peas and carrots as they are veg that they will both eat but they barely touched it. Dd said she wasn't hungry and ds said he didn't really like it (he has had it a thousand times before), so I'd had enough and told them both to leave the table and that there would be no more food until breakfast tomorrow.

Ds currently just stamped up the stairs in a strop because he is "starving to death" and Dd is intermittently crying because she wants a lolly from the freezer. Dh is close to caving in and giving them toast or fruit but I say we keep going and they can go to bed bloody hungry because I'm fed up with them!!

So AIBU to let them "starve" at least until 7am tomorrow?

I’d let DD have some toast, veg sticks or fruit but not a lolly. She’s only 3, and quite possibly was genuinely not hungry and now she is.

DS i would have less patience for since he’s older and claimed to dislike something he’s previously eaten happily.

@Wilberforce2 love this because I have this battle most nights. My children are 3.5 and just turned 2, so I do give yoghurt after if they've tried at least something, but they don't see the yoghurt as a treat or an alternative it's just routine. They often go to bed with no dinner because they've refused what I've cooked and there is no way I'd be able to offer them anything different later on because then I'd never have a hope of them trying anything I give them. It would definitely be a slippery slope in my house!! My 3.5 year old would happily eat pizza or chicken nuggets every day 😫 but since they both could eat I've offered what I am cooking for us. They aren't keen on potatoes or meat and aren't great with vegetables. Meal times can be a battle 😂

If your DS would routinely choose nuggets, pizza or spaghetti bol, I would offer him the choice of nuggets or pizza on football day, and then have spag bol on one of the other days.

I don't think it is a bad idea to let kids choose occasionally. Perhaps once a week. By the age of nine mine were starting to cook and plan meals. The rule is that it had to be nutritionally sound and reasonably priced and nothing that anyone hated.

They would together plan a meal (get it approved by me "no potato crisps are not healthy and do not count as a vegetable") and then they would go to the supermarket and buy it. Sometimes they would cook the meal just for them, sometimes for us as well... and sometimes it was not what I would consider good... e.g a piece of fish with shredded raw cabbage and a microwaved potato.

As they got older they did the same thing but had to work to a budget too. They are now an adult and nearly an adult and can both plan, shop and cook meals for themselves.

Have you tried putting all the food in the middle and letting them help themselves?

It sounds a bit like dinner/food is becoming stressful for you and kids often pick up on this. The last thing you want is food becoming a battle ground.

Are they hungry before tea or are they having snacks in the afternoon? Timing dinner so they are hungry can help.

Ihearttc. So do your children only eat the things you like, if you don't expect them to eat things you don't like?

What time was dinner - you said ‘earlier today’ ? I think it’s bordering on cruelty not allowing your children food until tomorrow. What time was their last meal ?

You’ll end up with children with eating disorders if you go down the rod of denying them food - which is what you’re doing if their last meal today was lunch or breakfast.

I've done the 'leaving it on the table' trick after Sunday lunch (obviously a roast). It stayed there until about 7:30pm, when he asked for it to be re-heated and ate the bloody lot!

We were having the same problem and as you say it gets to the stage where they take the pee.

The only time I allow them not to finish something and have an alternative, is if we have cooked something they've never had before, with unusual flavours. 8/10 they eat it, but could be they didn't like the particular fish etc. So in that scenario I don't mind doing an alternative, the only rule is, they have to try it first. Fair play, they will have four or five mouthfuls before making a decision, because they know now eating one and saying I don't like it is not accepted.

In our house you eat what your given. If you don’t eat what’s given to you then you go hungry, till the next meal. Simple really.

I tend not to cook food I know they won’t eat, neither of mine eat chips so I rarely cook them, and neither are keen on mince but will eat it at school/childminder.

I’m quite harsh on that front to be honest. I can’t afford for food to be thrown away, and neither will I cook 3/4 types of dinner.

Amazingly apart from chips and mince there is very little they won’t eat, maybe I’m just lucky.

*And going forward say you do t need comments on the food. Just eat it or not as they want, but that is it until the next meal.

NBNB do NOT comment yourself either on the food or what they eat. Talk about other stuff*
Sorry havent RTWT but this is good advice. My two were monkeys for messing about at meal times. I stopped giving them choices (within reason - I'm not a monster) and they could eat what they were given or be hungry. It took a little while but it works. No discussions or negotiations. "But I dont like it!" is answered with "You dont have to like it you just have to eat it." Mine are adults now and eat anything and they dont hate me or anything.

In fairness there isn't much that they don't like...I don't cook 2 different meals. We just eat normal meals that we all like such as spag bol, chilli, roast, shepherds pie, curry, fajita's, sausage and mash, chicken pie, homemade pizza and their favourite meal ever is a cooked breakfast for tea! Nothing complicated-they get fruit and vegetable and enjoy eating them.

They don't particularly like fish and I don't like it at all so we don't tend to eat it. Yes they chicken nuggets etc but I make homemade wedges and salad with it which gets eaten as well. I just really don't get the point in making meal times a battle.

Dinner was at 5pm but earlier than usual but dss was here and needed to eat earlier, not entirely sure it's "bordering on child cruelty" though? Dd absolutely not bothered she doesn't really do tantrums and if she moans she is never on it for the long haul so she had her cup of milk at 7.15 and is now in bed fast asleep. Ds currently watching tv and giving me evil eyes because I wouldn't let him have a Galaxy from his selection box, offered him a banana but he said no. He isn't starving!

If he was starving he would have had the banana. Don’t cave!

OP, are you maybe loading up their plate? I find with my grandchildren that if I serve up very small portions to begin with they quite often eat a good amount by coming back for a bit more.

Every Saturday I meal plan for the week (our school week starts Sunday).

Saturday night is a relaxed leftovers tea & games night, & I always wave the meal planning - based around the veg our housekeeper has got in for the week, she shops Saturday morning - at the 3dc aged 9-13.

No one ever really gives a shit 'yeah mom, whatever.' Occasionally someone will say '...we haven't had enchiladas for ages!' or 'can I have my mate round Tuesday after football & if so could we have spag bol because you've put curry & she hates it'.

But generally no one cba to argue.

When the food is then dished up all week it's on a Take It Or Leave It basis. There are some things e.g. salmon which I enjoy cooking for myself when dc are with ex. I don't inflict it as a family dinner because they all hate it.

Otherwise everyone is expected to eat at least a small portion, & if they don't but come back hungry there will be leftovers. Come their bedtime I Tupperware leftovers or give them to the dog!

No one starves. It's fine. Periodic grumbling about boring & repetitive food (which is fair comment) is countered by a request for suggestions. Generally they cba to think of any; so we continue rotating the same dozen dependable, unobjectionable standard dishes...

Ds1 is like a Human dustbin, so never had any problems. Ds2 is much more sensitive and doesn’t like anything spicy and hot or certain cheeses.

I didn’t give them a choice often, but used to ask them if they wanted fish fingers or sausages (for example), or maybe rice and chili or rice and curry (ds2 didn’t have the chillies in his). So not a free choice, but a bit of a choice.

But if they didn’t eat it - having tried it and not liked it, ds2 would get a sandwich. But if ds2 didn’t even try it, he would get nothing.

With political correctness being the way it is in this day and age and people going over the top. Next time I would keep the dinner, then say "you either don't eat until breakfast or you eat your dinner" we are having a similar problem with my step children at the moment. They either eat it or they have a piece of fruit. 9 times out of 10 they eat their meal. I would be tempted to say "here's a slice of bread with no butter" bread is filling so they won't be "starving" x

I would allow fruit or a bowl of cereal- certainly not a lolly or anything elae

I'm with Acadia. The key for me is not how much they eat or not, but the fact that it's not a topic of interest or conversation. If they don't want it fine, just don't reward it in any way.

It sounds like you handle it pretty well already OP with giving him certain days to choose, putting stuff on their plates you know they like but not pandering to every whim etc. My advice is just do what you do, but disengage further from what they do or don't eat where you can. Don't reward eating with praise, or not eating with negative attention, bribes or cajoling. Just culture disinterest, and if they can't say anything nice about the food then they can just say nothing at all. Re-heating their dinner for later is fine, throwing it away is fine, giving them a couple of crackers is fine. The important thing IMO is that you stick to a consistent system and just do it, without fuss/cajoling/shaming/lecturing on why they should have eaten it in the first place. Fussy eating needs to be the least interesting thing in the world to you.

Well done for sticking to your guns! You can do this OP.

A couple of questions for those who think the parent should ask the child what they want to eat -

How do you cope if you have more than one child and thy all want something different - do you cook several different meals?

And what if the child always chooses something unhealthy - do you give them what they want, knowing it is bad for them?

The OP does her best to make sure that the children like the meals she cooks, even if they aren’t all their favourites - and they have turn d down something she knows they like - so her actions were not at all unreasonable, IMO.

No food is bad for you...thats a really unhealthy attitude to have. Everything in moderation is fine. They have burgers, chips and chicken nuggets but also eat fruit and vegetables by the bucketload.

Nope I don't cook different meals usually with the exception of nights when DS1 has football training as he eats earlier. They can normally agree on something to eat.

Did you see those programmes a few years back where they sent families back in time. One was to the Welsh Valleys during the war the first day the kids are all eurrgh were not eating that but when they realised that there was nothing else they were soon tucking in advance enjoying the food they were given. I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere.

Mine can nominate up to 3 things that they won't eat. After that it's take it or leave it. If they leave it they can eat it later but there is no cereal/toast/fruit options.

Incidentally the only person who gets to choose what we eat in my house is the person who plans, shops and cooks ie me. And yes I'd be delighted to eat what i was given if anyone else wanted to take over.

My FiL used to find a way to get at DS (who he doesn't like because DS resembles me...) by deliberately cooking food he knew he wouldn't like - smoked fish poached in milk, green beans and mashed potatoes with swede - and then niggling at him for being 'fussy'

DS was quite genuinely intolerant of certain food. He was dairy intolerant, and also sufferer from toddler diarrhea after a horrible tummy upset - doctor's best guess is that all food, especially non bland food, hurt him for a period of a year or two. He also had many ASD traits due to anxiety, and for example couldn't handle sauces which touched his food, and had 'trusted food sources' (me, my mum, the school [after a battle])

So none of the 'simple' approaches - 'you eat it or there is nothing' - worked for him, especially when out of home. A full one meltdown - not a tantrum, but a genuine meltdown - was not something I felt the situation merited.

So we had a simple choice at the beginning of a meal away from home - he could eat what was given him, or he could eat bread [or plain crackers, as I had to carry a supply and those kept fresher] cheese and a piece of fruit. He still had to sit up at the table for as long as the meal went on, but there were 2 acceptable alternatives, both available with no fuss.

he's 17 now, and while he has a few food preferences, he eats most things, has decent manners, is not 'fussy' around food.