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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would anyone do this?

450 replies

Puppyduppydoo · 31/12/2017 22:41

Name changed for this thread.

I’ve just had FB message from a complete stranger who maintains she has been having an affair with my husband. She hasn’t, the message was full of totally incorrect details including dates and times when I know he was with me.

They had connected on linked-in but have never met. Why would somebody do this, particularly on NYE?

OP posts:
FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 01/01/2018 10:29

Can you honestly say you’ve spent every single night with your husband?! He’s not visited his family or friends alone ever over the past few years?! Or a work trip?! Come on - it would be a very odd relationship if you’ve not even spent one night apart ever

It’s not like people are unable to cheat during the day.

Anyhow. She’s an ex, she’s mentally unwell, she’s jealous, someone is trying to harass you...?

NeganLovesLucille · 01/01/2018 10:32

It's refreshing to hear from someone who has complete and utter trust in their husband. I agree that you do not own him and should not police his friendships and social media interactions. He is an adult and you are in a trusting relationship.

I could not live my life being suspicious and would rather give the beneft of the doubt. If that turned out to be wrong then I would deal with the consequences. I choose to trust my husband and I would not let some randon internet troll with incorrect facts and no evidence change that.

I think that if this happened to me, I would message her back just to trap her even deeper in the lie. As a PP suggested, give her facts that and dates that are just completely fictitious and see if she responds.

And yes, I do know that some people cheat, but there is no evidence, so continue to give him the turst that he has earned throughout your marriage.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 01/01/2018 10:32

@MiddleClassProblem It's happened to me (to the point she was found guilty of stalking in court!)) and from this post many people have shared how it's happened to them too. (And only a handful were the OW telling the truth). It's actually quite worrying how common this seems to be. The woman who fixated on me and my husband had done it before to some other person. She even went to the lengths of inventing a child, sending photos and everything (turned out to be a cousin)

OP, it does happen and if this woman's claims are silly and couldn't possibly be true, especially something that sounds wildly exaggerated or crazy then that's the likeliest explanation. Crazy.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2018 10:37

Exactly Cheeky

It seems like the only fact she has is that he has a dog. I have a dog and I talk about it to everybody lol. And I know plenty that do the same, even on a professional environment, shock horror!

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2018 10:40

And I would be FURIOUS if someone did this to me, the same as OPs DH. It's a normal reaction, not an admission of guilt

I wouldn't. I'd be completely bemused not angry. I'd be thinking "what a fucking nutter". And I'd contact the person, point out the lies and then block and report them on LinkedIn,

runwalkrun · 01/01/2018 10:44

All this talk of I know where my husband is every night doesn't mean anything.
A lot of affair meetups happen during the DAY.
People either leave work a couple of hours early, or they meet up during lunch hour.

Original poster
Puppyduppydoo · 01/01/2018 10:49

Ok. For the last time. I am perfectly aware that people don’t cheat at night. She is the one claiming that he has spent nights at her house.

OP posts:
TinselTwat · 01/01/2018 10:49

OP you are coming across very badly here. If you post on an online forum asking for opinions from strangers and then get defensive and passive aggressive when you don't hear what you want of course it's going to go wrong. This is exactly what you've done, this is AIBU don't forget.
If you are so certain this woman is making it up then crack on with your life.

treaclesoda · 01/01/2018 10:51

All this talk of I know where my husband is every night doesn't mean anything.
A lot of affair meetups happen during the DAY.

I agree. I just happened to respond earlier to the 'surely your husband has been away overnight at some stage' discussion because another poster mentioned it and I had been thinking about it.

JanetStWalker · 01/01/2018 10:51

She's nuts, and a raging bitch.

Huge respect to you OP for being secure enough in your relationship not to doubt your husband, you're a better woman than I.

Shame on the rest of you.

Cindyloo99 · 01/01/2018 10:52

OP I think you know your husband better than anyone on here and it's not up to us to say he's lying. It's nice to see you trust him. I don't know why she would do this but I suppose sometimes you just have to accept some people are a bit odd !.

Original poster
Puppyduppydoo · 01/01/2018 10:52

I actually don’t care how badly I appear to be coming across. I didn’t ask for opinions on whether he is cheating. I know he isn’t. I asked why someone would contact me with a story which is a blatant lie.

OP posts:
basketbreath · 01/01/2018 10:53

I wouldn't of blocked her, it means she has to find other ways of communicating with you. Keep all communication as evidence.

CrazyDuchess · 01/01/2018 10:53

I love the posters who are stating "People don't lie about these things" or such shit...... where the he'll have you been... on MN alone people make shit up everyday about car parking to desperately ill children!

If you look on Linked in these days it's more like an alternate FB, people post lots of things that are not work related and I have over 500 contacts maybe physically met 100 of them. If you look at my chat on Linked in its rarely about work just saying hello and connecting with people.

I am sorry OP you've had such a rough time on this thread - happy New year Flowers

runwalkrun · 01/01/2018 10:53

The last time we spent a night apart was three years ago when I holidayed on my own. She’s claiming this happened in the last 6 months.

As a PP pointed out, shagging can take place in daylight hours.

My friend used to leave for work an hour early and call in for a quickie with OM.
Same at the end of the day.
I've known cheats to sneak one in whilst using the ''I'm just taking the dog for a walk'' excuse.

Msqueen33 · 01/01/2018 10:56

Maybe she’s drunk, bitter, things have gone further in her head. Maybe she has an empty life and wanted to stir up some drama.

I have people on my LinkedIn who I’ve not met. I’m also quite open so some people I’ve talked to would know I have a dog. LinkedIn seems like a professional Facebook now.

Jassmells · 01/01/2018 10:57

Stalker, obsessed?

runwalkrun · 01/01/2018 10:59

Ok. For the last time. I am perfectly aware that people don’t cheat at night. She is the one claiming that he has spent nights at her house.

That is strange.
Different time zone? clutching at straws

It's a pity you can't tell us the message so that we can see it in context. Obviously with no identifiable names and places, to protect your privacy.

GoReylo · 01/01/2018 10:59

If you know it's all made up, don't give it any more head space. Maybe she made it up to fuck with you and your DH, ruin the start of your year? Just forget it and move on. If it escalates in any way and you're worried call the police, but it was probably message-and-run.

DearMrDilkington · 01/01/2018 11:02

I hate to say this, but, she may have given false details on purpose. Maybe something has been going on and he wanted it to stop, so she wanted to scare him and show him how easily she could ruin his life. I've seen it happen several times.

It may be nothing, but usually it is.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/01/2018 11:07

It’s probably someone you know who wants to stir up shit. I think that’s more likely than a mentally unhinged woman. It may not even be a woman at all. Has your husband had any run ins re his business? Also it sounds like you both need to tighten your online security, your Facebook profiles should be private then this wouldn’t have happened.

DearMrDilkington · 01/01/2018 11:09

That was my other thought regular, it could be a fake profile. Did you look at her profile Op? Did it look genuine or look like a new account?

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2018 11:10

OP - similar happened to us except someone contact my then OH telling him I was the one having an affair.

There categorically wasn't any smoke or fire. I was never, ever unfaithful during any relationship I have ever had.

Turns out it was some random connection with a grudge

onalongsabbatical · 01/01/2018 11:11

Dear OP, you were wondering why someone might be bonkers enough to make up something so obviously wrong and disgraceful. I think this thread may have enlightened you as to the range and variety of bonkersness that exists in the human mind.
Have a very peaceful new year. Grin

Sallystyle · 01/01/2018 11:18

I would be suspicious too.

Yes, she has made up some bullshit about him spending the night. They could have had a thing and she is now scorned so is adding some extra false details to get him back more.

I think it's highly unlikely that someone who actually knows your husband to talk to (even online) would message you that unless something has gone on. Yeah, some people are nasty and crazy but it's pretty unlikely really.

He may not have cheated, he may have just rebuffed her, he may have lead her on, they could have been speaking on the phone, texting all manner of things.

I would guess that there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. Not necessarily an affair, but something.

Trusting your husband is great. I trust mine, However, if someone out of the blue messages me telling me he has had an affair I wouldn't just brush it off as bullshit without looking into it a little more. Simply because the chances of someone completely lying to me is very rare.