AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

[PaxUniversalis]

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

@Beltane18

are you sure there's not other reasons for the friendships tailing off?

I really don't know. Perhaps it is because I haven't lived in my hometown for over 20 years and I wouldn't be able to meet up with family and friends at weekends and for outings anyway. I visit my hometown about 3 or 4 times per year.
I have 2 old friends from my hometown who do keep in touch with me via email, but the rest don't seem to be bothered.

@hevonbu

Does it bother any of you guys that all your conversations on Facebook and other such media are stored and owned by the company providing the platforms? Every message and every chat one has ever had?

No.

Because I never ever ever share anything personal or intimate or private.

hevonbu

I do hate though, when you want to tell for instance colleagues about something that's happened to you over the weekend (like a fun excursion) and they cut you short with "yeah, we've already seen it on FB".

Well don't put anything on FB before talking about it to people then FGS! I would have thought that was pretty bloody obvious.

scary teacher
Look at some of the less pleasant aspects of social media; the bullying, the pages supporting anorexia, the suicide sites, the grooming.....it isn't all rainbows, glitter and unicorns is it? The internet itself is a recent thing, let alone FB etc.

@curryworst

Sigh. Yet more "I don't use it but here is what is wrong with it" nonsense. The anorexia and suicide sites don't just leap onto your social media, you choose to go looking for them. It's just a medium, it is what YOU make of it.

Recent? The internet is 30 years old, and FB has been around for 13 years. It's not recent!

If you don't use it then stop telling everyone else how it works and what is wrong with it. You sound ridiculous.

Agree 100% with curry. Although I do agree that bullying doesn't have to be searched for. But everything else @scaryteacher mentioned does.

I’m asking what it brings to the party,

Using tools like FB messenger allows you to have a conversation with a group. You might be organising a meal out with three friends. You send a message to all three. All three see it. One replies - everyone see what they've replied, and can adjust their own replies accordingly. Makes discussions about where to go or when to go much easier. Texting is just one to one - yes I can send the same message to 6 people, but when one of them replies, only I see it.

The thing is, @PaxUniversalis, your decision not to use a microwave won’t affect your relationships with friends and family, whereas your refusal to use social media is already doing just that.

Which matters more to you - your stance on social media, or your relationships with other people?

Using tools like FB messenger allows you to have a conversation with a group. You might be organising a meal out with three friends. You send a message to all three. All three see it. One replies - everyone see what they've replied, and can adjust their own replies accordingly.

Is that any different from sending all three an email, and then each using reply-to-all when responding?

And it's totally possible to be anonymous on social media. Lots of my teacher friends anonymise their accounts so they can't be found by their students - one has her name in a foreign language, one uses her cat's name. On Twitter, your handle can be anything you like. I follow someone calling herself @MaryQueenofScots and I'm pretty sure she's really not. Just like Mumsnet - yes you have to give your name and email to sign up, but after that you call yourself what you like.

Lots of criticism of social media from people who don't understand it, don't use it, are scared by it and believe what the press tell them about "them" gathering every pixel you ever post for nefarious purposes, or allowing all sorts of unsavoury characters to abduct you or your children.

ScreamingValenta email convos are a pain to keep track of. Even work places are moving away from email to instant messengers like Slack. They are just better. Whatsapp is so so much more user frielndly than email.

I think you should join whatsapp. You may like it.

Pax, looking at your update - the people you feel have forgotten you are living a long way away?

so if they saw you on social media you couldn't see each other more often anyway?

I'm sorry to say I wonder if these friendships are just tailing off. I have a good friend in York and we mostly communicate via phone and email because neither of us would do a full personal chat on a public forum.

the only thing is, I wonder if you would seem more visible and real to friends far away if you kept popping up on social media?

I don't know, perhaps issues are getting conflated here. I can see why you wouldn't be on social media but if Whatsapp would help, you could try that. It's not public - I think it's more heavily encrypted than email messages? Not sure.

And it's totally possible to be anonymous on social media. Lots of my teacher friends anonymise their accounts so they can't be found by their students

But presumably they have to tell friends and family what name they're using, otherwise no one would be able to find them or know to accept their friend requests etc - so that's not being anonymous

Is that any different from sending all three an email, and then each using reply-to-all when responding

Very different. Because you've got just one message, one thread. Even using reply all you've got three or four messages coming back from the people you've sent them to, and you have to open them all up and decide what order to read them in. With a FB messenger or WhatsApp thread its only one message and you can read through the whole conversation in real time then add your thoughts on the bottom. Also, and certainly on FB, you get a notification when something's been read and can see when someone's replying.

It's just a lot less clunky and real time than emailing.

Weebeasties In the example of organising a meal via FB messenger versus email, what is it about the instant messenger that makes it easier? (That's a question rather than a challenge, as I'm unable to visualise what the differences are.)

x-post with k2p2

Yes YABU because it’s your choice to not be part of something you are jealous of others being part of!

It’s so much easier to send a group WhatsApp or Facebook message than it is to email people or text/call them individually. Calling for a proper chat is unusual these days, communication has moved on. If you want individual communication then the onus is on you to instigate it more often.

ScreamingValenta visually it is much easier to read a stream of messages on Messenger/WhatsApp than it is to read an email trail.

The 'old fashioned' way wouldn't include email or texting.

Just join it if you feel left out.

I am on FB because in 2017 that's how my friends communicate with each other - via messages and groups.

But it doesn't mean you have to be a slave to it. I have never updated my status or posted anything, haven't even checked the thing for five days. It's not all or nothing.

I haven't updated my FB profile picture for 18 months. That's how important it is to me. Just saying.

if social media does the same thing as texts etc, what is the point of it? If it does the same thing but better, how is it better? I already have all the free texts I need. What does social media add, and why should the op expect to be excluded because she won’t use it?

It does so much more though.

For example. Not long ago, my washing machine broke. My very longstanding washing machine repair man has retired. I asked on FB - Can anyone recommend a washing machine repairman and got several recommendations, from people that I wouldn't have texted or e-mailed about it.
Example 2. I'm in a local 'news' group. I get a notification if there is some problem with local roads (an accident or roadworks for example) so I then avoid that junction. Very useful.
Example 3. There are groups for ll sorts of things you might once have been part of - might be your school or college or somewhere you worked or volunteered or a sports team or even the road you grew up in. Social media makes it really easy to reconnect with some of these people - what are they doing now / share funny old photos / share memories
Example 4. Several things I belong to now have a group - lets say my dd's cub pack as one example. All parents can join. I don't have to be particular friends with any of them, it is a closed group just for parents and supporters of the cub pack. They post photos on there from camps. People say 'Can anyone take X to camp, our car has broken down'. People say 'Y has come back from camp without his sleeping bag - it is navy if anyone finds it'... etc.,etc.etc.
Example 5. I have 'liked' some places I might like to attend occasionally - maybe a theatre - and I get a notification when they put their Spring programme out, or when they have a special offer on seats etc.
Example 7. I can keep in touch with people who might not be in my closest circle of family or friends very easily. For example, my cousins (grown up) dc, who, in the days of pen and paper, we probably wouldn't have kept in touch at all
Example 8. I have a relation who is traveling in the Southern hemisphere at the moment. They have a Whatsapp Group so he close family can follow their travels - they put up photos and we can 'chat' if we want to. Was lovely at Christmas to be able to 'chat' when they weren't here.

I could go on and on, but that's just a few to start you off.
Of course you don't have to embrace it, but you can't really complain that you don't know stuff, if you choose not to.
It's a bit like saying you don't know what is happening in the world, but choose not to watch the news nor read newspapers.

But I was wondering if my refusal to join social media comes across as just 'old fashioned' or stand offish to my family and friends. I have never given this much thought. I wonder if they think 'she's not on SM because she's old fashioned and she's rather old for her years' (fine, being old fashioned is not a crime), or 'she doesn't want to be part of us and she is actively keeping to herself' (that would be bad because I DO want to keep in touch).

I really doubt they give it much thought. My DBro isn't on FB, and he just misses out on the trivia that 'chatting' on social media gives you. That's fine as he's not interested, but he then couldn't complain that he was being 'left out' if he refuses to join in.

have 2 old friends from my hometown who do keep in touch with me via email, but the rest don't seem to be bothered.

I wonder whether the friendships have just had their day tbh, added to the way you communicate, you've almost become invisible. Try a Facebook account, it's a great way to keep in touch, if you don't like it don't use it.

@froginapond "Well don't put anything on FB before talking about it to people then FGS! I would have thought that was pretty bloody obvious"
And you somehow thought I haven't figured it out already? The other option is not to talk to people. Anyway I'm sort of glad you're not my Facebook friend, we would not get on very well I think.

I am in several Facebook groups. My old school had a reunion at the beginning of the month. Had I not been on Facebook I wouldn't have known about it.

In BackForGood's first example I would have been able to post in our local community action Facebook group to ask for a local repair man/woman. I also get to hear about local activities and events, and accidents that close local roads. It is more immediate than listening to the local radio for stuff like this.

It is a local Facebook page for local people

The FB groups can actually be quite useful.

ScreamingValentia I can't talk about facebook messenger as I don't use it but I think it's similar to whatsapp.

Each message appears in a bubble in the order they were recieved, like texts but everyone can see the same thing. You can also see when someone is typing, and wait for their reply, rather than talk over each other. Can also send a picture, that fits in nicely and has no formatting issues. Similarly you can send videos and audio, which is presented in the convo rather than as an attachment.

It's not too different to text, but it's free and you don't have to worry that other people can't recieve photos/ images etc. Which can happen if you are all texting on different phones/ systems of varying ages.

Agree - our local community facebook page is brilliant. Yes to recommendations for tradespeople, but also for warnings about burglaries, missing cats, information about local events and much more.

We also have groups for my daughter's dancing school, the school and a smaller group for hte year. So much useful information and reminders. You don't have to post in the groups to be a member, you can just read.