AIBU to feel left out because I'm not on social media?

[PaxUniversalis]

I don't use social media. I'm not on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Whatsapp, etc.

I feel increasingly left out by friends and family and I think the reason for this is that I have refused to be on social media. 99% of my friends and family - young and old - are on social media and they keep in touch mainly via Facebook.

I'm probably old fashioned but my ways of communicating with people are: face to face, text messaging, email, telephone. In my 'old fashioned' mindset I believe that people have the tools to keep in touch with me: they have my landline number, my mobile number, my email address and my postal address. We all managed to keep in touch with friends and family before social media existed (I'm nearly 50 - just to put things into perspective).

None of my old friends ever get in touch with me spontaneously anymore, except to communicate important messages, like a death or a wedding or such like. I do try and keep in touch with them by sending emails. They do reply to my emails - actually 1 person is very good, she replies very quickly - but the majority of people only reply when it suits them - sometimes this is weeks later! Or they don't reply at all anymore. However, they all seem to be very active on FB and they send FB messages back and forth instantly to others (I know this because a friend of mine showed me the messages on her FB account).
So why do they keep in touch with others on FB but not with me via email? Perhaps I'm not that important to them?

One friend even announced that she was going to get married on FB. I only found out by accident a week or two before the wedding because I happened to be talking to a mutual friend who is on FB. Not good.

I'm talking about old friends here. Most of them know that I'm not on social media yet they never send me an email to say 'hello, how are you' from time to time. I'm always the one sending emails to them. Yes, they do reply - eventually - but It seems to be a one-way street here as I'm always the one doing the instigating.
Very frustrating as a lot of friends and family live hundreds of miles away (in the town where I grew up) so I don't see them a lot during the year.

I still prefer face to face or voice to voice (phone) contact with people if I'm honest. I know I could join social groups if I wanted face to face interaction but I'm a bit disappointed in my family and friends.
AIBU?

One drawback with Facebook is, in my opinion, is that it's hard to find people you know on the site, if you don't email people (which I don't) you don't have their email addresses so can't look them up (too many irrelevant people have the same name and bad profile pictures).

Yes. I had forgotten about local crime and missing pets. They also post about property that has been lost or found. It is like a post office noticeboard that is constantly being updated.

I don't think YABU, and I admire you taking a stance in what looks like the midst of condemnation.

All the analogies comparing social media to tv/electricity etc aren't helpful because the digital world is a completely different order of things. What is most insidious is the intention behind the designers of FB, Twitter, Instagram etc. - they are trying their damnedest to get us to spend as much time as possible on their products (because attention and advertising is where the money is).

I don't know about you, but I'm not capable of resisting the millions of dollars being spent on trying to capture my attention, so like you, I don't use these platforms to communicate. It hurts when that means I lose contact with people, but jeez, if people really can't be arsed to pick up the phone or spend half an hour typing an email, then I guess they're not my kinda folk.

Having said that, it can feel really lonely to be ouside the mainstream and I find it helpful to keep up with people like Cal Newport & Tristan Harris who speak about these things.

For me email is mostly for work.
Keeping in touch (day to day stuff) is mostly face to face or social media, yes.

If you want to stay out of social media, I'm afraid you'll have to contact them and make the effort to keep in touch via other methods.

"but I'm not capable of resisting the millions of dollars being spent on trying to capture my attention"

I am

I am an advertiser's nightmare. We record everything on commercial TV and zip through the adverts. I have Adblock Plus on my laptop, and I can see past or ignore all the advertising on Facebook. It isn't difficult.

Just out of interest OP, how old are you? Just a rough answer if you don't want to disclose!

I find it odd that you don't want to use WhatsApp or messenger ( which aren't social media) but feel comfortable posting on Mumsnet, which could be read by hundreds or thousands of people.

It doesn’t make you virtuous or special not to be on social media. If you feel left out you know what to do.

I'm completely with you OP and prefer not to be on social media. Not only do I think it's a colossal time commitment I think a lot of people are very ignorant of Facebook's terms and conditions. I teach them in detail to my students and horrify them! I'm not giving them access to my life and photos thanks. Yes I know I've missed out socially but I also value my privacy.

@hevonbu

Anyway I'm sort of glad you're not my Facebook friend, we would not get on very well.

Not half as glad as I am.

I am a big WhatsApp fan, it helps me stay in touch with all my friends who live in different areas and the group function is great, my siblings and I talk about parents’ bdays etc on there and it’s really useful.

@strangerhoes

It doesn’t make you virtuous or special not to be on social media. If you feel left out you know what to do.

I agree. Yet it's amazing the amount of people not on it who think they're somehow 'above' people who are, and are somehow a superior human being. They're a bit like people who don't have a television, people who don't own a car, people who cook from scratch, and people who are vegans.

I don't use any form of social media either but I don't feel I am missing out - I suppose I might be but nothing that I ever become aware of .

Genuine friends will know how to contact you and reply to texts/emails etc and if people don't .............. well, are they that good friends? .

"Not only do I think it's a colossal time commitment"

But it isn't . This just shows how little you understand it.

@MarmaladeIsMyJam

Just out of interest OP, how old are you?
I'm nearly 50.

I have a friend who won't go on Facebook, but is on Whatsapp. Isn't Whatapp owned by Facebook? I joined Whatsapp for a short while but didn't find it useful and I also didn't like how it connected me to people I didn't want to be connected to, eg my ex-boss.

My new year's resolution is to stay off Facebook, though I have the messenger app on my phone if people want to contact me. I also use Twitter but I don't find that bad for my mental health like FB.

If I need the community info eg a recommendation for a plumber I'll go on it then to check the local group, but otherwise not.

I'm only on Fakebook because I'm incredibly nosy.

I find it odd that you don't want to use WhatsApp or messenger ( which aren't social media) but feel comfortable posting on Mumsnet, which could be read by hundreds or thousands of people.

Are WhatsApp and Messenger anonymous, though? A poster above has just mentioned WhatsApp connecting them to an ex-boss, for instance. The great thing about forums is that they're anonymous.

Iprefercoffee (so do I!), how does whatsapp connect you to people you don't want to be connected to? Is it different from the boss sending you a text or an e-mail?

(Genuine question again - I feel even if I'm not going to be on it I should know a bit about how it works, as it does seem to be a preferred communication method!)

Old fashioned communication such as email and text messages. Fuck I feel old.

Marmaladeismyjam I don't necessarily think it's an age thing.* I'm older than the OP and I use all social media apart from Snapchat and it's how I keep in touch with everyone (apart from one). I love it.*

@Beltane18
the people you feel have forgotten you are living a long way away?

Yes, it's mainly the people I know from my hometown, the place where I grew up. I moved away over 20 years ago. Some others did too but a lot of them stayed and still live there. It's a small town with a good community spirit where a lot of people know each other. It's hundreds of miles away.

I visit about 3 or 4 times per year. The thing is when I bump into people when I visit they are genuinely pleased to see me and vice versa. It's not that they don't like me anymore. It's when I leave they go silent until I bump into them again on my next visit.

When I think of the era when my parents were young things were completely different. My parents were teenagers in the late 1950s, early 1960s but they had a vibrant social life. Every weekend they went to clubs and dance halls or to the local cinema and they had LOADS of friends. My parents had a MASSIVE social circle. And this was in a time before computers, mobile phones, the internet and social media.
I have to admit my Dad had a far more outgoing, flamboyant personality than me (I'm a bit more introverted) so this may have played a role too.

I have no idea why I keep posting in bold.

WhatsApp connects to your phone book contacts, so it’ll show everyone in your phone book on your WhatsApp list. It doesn’t mean you have to start chats with them though, it’s just like having their phone number in your phone - you click on them if you want to chat. However if they have your number in their phone book (even if you don’t have theirs) they could chat with you - but of course you don’t have to respond, or can block them.

I have moved around a lot in my life. Facebook is a great way of staying in touch with people. I am sure I would have lost touch with most of them otherwise.

OP my parents still have a massive social circle and they're 80 and a lot of their mates use Facebook - they are email people though.

I do wonder if the social media is a red herring in your situation, or if you're missing the company it brings, or if you would be better making more local friends. What you've said about your parents doesn't have any link to this so I suspect you're just thinking out loud about your situation generally.

Totally agree with posters who say social media has meant getting out more. I commute for work and wouldn't have made friends with locals without Twitter.