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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband not to speak another language?

102 replies

cmwife · 30/12/2017 23:47

Genuinely wondering if IABU. I was born in the Antipodes and English is my first language. DH's parents were from the subcontinent, but DH was born and raised in Hong Kong and English is his first language too, as he and his brothers were all educated in English, and his parents spoke English at home. He has lived here since he was 16 years of age. He also speaks his parents' language (let's say it's Hindi)? I speak a bit of Hindi (I had lessons for 6 months after we got married), but not enough to follow a conversation with anyone over the age of about 3! I am presently sitting next to him and he is on the phone to his brother planning an overseas trip. DH, our two DDs, BIL and I will attend the holiday (amongst others). I am periodically being asked for input (on activities, flight schedules etc). DH is speaking mostly in English . However, sometimes when speaking into the phone to his brother he is reverting to Hindi. His brother's first language is also English so there's no need to do this for comprehension reasons. I think DH is being a bit rude, especially as I can tell that he's referred to me at least once in Hindi. I don't know enough Hindi to follow exactly what he's saying. I've asked him to speak in English in this instance so I know what's going on as they are planning a trip which I will be involved in. He says I have no right to ask him to speak English in this instance. He was quite short with me. To be clear, he very often speaks Hindi to others in front of me, and that's fine (sometimes I ask him to translate so I can understand, but often I don't bother). But in this case, as I was involved in the conversation, I think he should agree to speak in English. This is particularity so as I can tell he's talked about me at least once and I think it's rude of him to do this if I can't understand what he's saying. His reaction has me wondering though if IABU?

OP posts:
Original poster
cmwife · 30/12/2017 23:49

That was long, sorry.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/12/2017 23:49

YABU. He can speak what he likes to his brother.

McTufty · 30/12/2017 23:50

Totally agree with you. To talk about you in a different language as though you’re not there is rude.

Cakescakescakes · 30/12/2017 23:51

I think it’s pretty rude of him to talk about you purposely knowing you can’t understand.

Misericord · 30/12/2017 23:52

Have you asked him what he’s said about you? My sisters and I speak together in a shorthand and at a speed that is basically impossible for others to understand, when we’re together and having an informal conversation where others are not directly involved one on one - it’s a comfort thing.

Whiterabbitears · 30/12/2017 23:52

My DH is Bengali and often does this too even though he speaks both Bengali and English equally well. I just phase out when he does it, it can be really annoying I agree but often he flips between the two languages during the same conversation. He claims he doesn't know he's doing it Hmm. I think if the conversation directly involves you then yes he should speak English so YANBU.

PurpleDaisies · 30/12/2017 23:53

If someone told me which language to speak to my sister on the phone in, I’d be seriously pissed off.

Becinna · 30/12/2017 23:53

He’s not talking to the OP though. He’s on the phone to his brother.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2017 23:53

OP I'd feel the same as you.

elQuintoConyo · 30/12/2017 23:53

He is on the phone to his brother? Let him speak the language he wants.

If you are in a group, that is different; being a third wheel language-wise is no fun. But in this instance i think yabu. It doesn't matter if they were brought up speaking English - it seems like they may have mixed it up at home and they still do now. My own DH used to do this - totally unfollowable gobbeldygook within his family! I learnt his language and i can now join in with the gobbeldygook Grin

Milkandtwosugarsplease · 30/12/2017 23:54

YABU but if he’s talking about you then that’s just plain rude. Tell him he can speak in his own language whenever he wants but talking about you is really out of order.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2017 23:55

Misericord I'm fascinated. Could you explain a little more? Genuine linguistic interest here.

TinyTimsCrutch · 30/12/2017 23:55

I would secretary's Hindi lessons so I knew what he was saying Wink

TinyTimsCrutch · 30/12/2017 23:55

SecretlyHmm

Lalliella · 30/12/2017 23:55

Yes it’s rude. YANBU. Why not go to secret Hindi lessons and become fluent yourself then you can eavesdrop?

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 23:56

I'm with you op, it's rude

RicottaPancakes · 30/12/2017 23:58

I think it's up to him when he is talking to his brother. Perhaps you could learn Hindi?

Brokenbiscuit · 30/12/2017 23:59

Just learn more Hindi. You can't dictate which language he speaks when he is taking to his brother.

Misericord · 31/12/2017 00:01

WelshMoth probably not that interesting I’m afraid! My post should have said ‘sister’ singular rather than plural. We are very close in age and have always been very close. So we’ve always played together and when we were young got into a habit of speaking very, very fast when we were playing together or being secretive as kids are, it was our thing. It stuck - it isn’t deliberate now, it’s just easy to fall into. Add that to twenty odd years of in jokes, shared references and the same interests, and that’s our ‘language’. Sorry, not very interesting!

Couchpotato3 · 31/12/2017 00:02

A bit rude and annoying, but if he's talking to a family member on the phone, then I don't think it's that unreasonable of him to use whichever language they are both comfortable with. If he wants you to be involved in the conversation, then he needs to speak English. If he's not willing to do that, then leave the room and have a separate conversation with him afterwards. Simple.

I think multi-lingual families do commonly swap between languages within conversations and are not always fully aware that they are doing it. Maybe not worth falling out over? My DH speaks another language with his family at times. I tend to ignore them and leave them to it, but I don't think they are being deliberately rude. I know just enough of the language to occasionally interject, so they think I understand more than I do, which stops them talking about me (I think!)

Misericord · 31/12/2017 00:02

OP, unless he’s refusing to say what he’s said about you when you’re right there, then I think YABU. It’s a conversation with his brother, they get to talk how they like as long as it isn’t offensive.

Marcine · 31/12/2017 00:03

If the three of you were together, then I'd agree with you - but he's having a conversation on the phone!

Jaygee61 · 31/12/2017 00:04

YABU. My first language is Welsh. DH is English but he doesn’t mind me speaking Welsh to my family in front of him. In my brother’s house three languages are spoken, Welsh, English and his partner’s mother tongue. My DN speaks all three. His mother speaks to him in her mother tongue and my brother doesn’t care.

HeddaGarbled · 31/12/2017 00:05

If his brother's first language is English, then he's deliberately slipping into Hindi to say something he doesn't want you to hear. So they are plotting. I would walk away from this conversation right now and refuse to re-engage until he agrees to be totally honest about what he is up to.

Original poster
cmwife · 31/12/2017 00:06

Fair enough. In over 20 years together, I've never asked him to speak English before when he's been speaking with someone else (except when asking him to translate for me), I was just a bit annoyed in this case as I was being repeatedly asked for input, and the conversation was about something which directly affected me and he was talking about me (at least once, anyway). But it sounds as though there's a good chance that IABU, so I shan't do it again. Thanks all.

OP posts: