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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my husband not to speak another language?

102 replies

cmwife · 30/12/2017 23:47

Genuinely wondering if IABU. I was born in the Antipodes and English is my first language. DH's parents were from the subcontinent, but DH was born and raised in Hong Kong and English is his first language too, as he and his brothers were all educated in English, and his parents spoke English at home. He has lived here since he was 16 years of age. He also speaks his parents' language (let's say it's Hindi)? I speak a bit of Hindi (I had lessons for 6 months after we got married), but not enough to follow a conversation with anyone over the age of about 3! I am presently sitting next to him and he is on the phone to his brother planning an overseas trip. DH, our two DDs, BIL and I will attend the holiday (amongst others). I am periodically being asked for input (on activities, flight schedules etc). DH is speaking mostly in English . However, sometimes when speaking into the phone to his brother he is reverting to Hindi. His brother's first language is also English so there's no need to do this for comprehension reasons. I think DH is being a bit rude, especially as I can tell that he's referred to me at least once in Hindi. I don't know enough Hindi to follow exactly what he's saying. I've asked him to speak in English in this instance so I know what's going on as they are planning a trip which I will be involved in. He says I have no right to ask him to speak English in this instance. He was quite short with me. To be clear, he very often speaks Hindi to others in front of me, and that's fine (sometimes I ask him to translate so I can understand, but often I don't bother). But in this case, as I was involved in the conversation, I think he should agree to speak in English. This is particularity so as I can tell he's talked about me at least once and I think it's rude of him to do this if I can't understand what he's saying. His reaction has me wondering though if IABU?

OP posts:
MissEliza · 31/12/2017 00:53

Dh is from a bilingual family and there regularly talk in their own language. It pisses me off as the dcs can't follow. As I am proficient, I know they use it to talk about people without them understanding. I think that's disgusting and I had a massive argument with dh about it last year!

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 00:53

I frequently speak to relatives on the phone in a different language to DH and also refer to DH. He occasionally asks what was discussed and I enlighten him unless I've been gossipping about him

MissEliza · 31/12/2017 00:53

They talk not there!

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 01:05

Foggie - I guess it's the same in any part of the world where bilingualism is the norm. It becomes natural to mix things up.

usernolongerexists · 31/12/2017 01:07

I find it fascinating that in 20 years you haven’t learned his “family” language. My family comes from Asia, although I was born in the UK and so I was raised multilingual, I would expect any partner to make the effort to learn enough of at least one other of our common languages to communicate well with my family. If they had an additional language I would quite rightly expect to learn that too. It feels quite lazy not to.

Linning · 31/12/2017 01:11

I speak several languages and usually tend to speak whatever is easier and relevant at the time.

If someone speak let's say Spanish as his/her mother tongue and I am having a 1 on 1 conversation with them in close vecinity of a group (that isn't involved in said conversation) I probably would just use Spanish and switch back to the common language/English whenever needed or to involve other people into the conversation. I don't see it as rude just as more practical.

I am a French native speaker for example and I leave abroad so often meet other French people at international events, most French people speak low to very average English so it seems silly to be struggling to maintain an intersting 1 on 1 conversation in English when we could just easily speak French and translate/enlighten in English whoever should feel the need to understand what we are saying.

I spend a lot of time with multilingual people though and it's not unusual for us to change languages within a same conversation as some expression/concept are easier to explain in a language vs another. I don't always notice I switch languages though, especially in an international environment or at an event when I hear several languages/speak several languages throughout the night. It's often the confused facial expression of whoever I am talking to who gives it away, as my brain can't always seem to make the difference between the various language I speak.

I think it would have been rude of your husband to not have translated for you and would have been nice if he did speak English but considering it's his family I personally wouldn't get upset about it.

Linning · 31/12/2017 01:14

Whoops, sorry for all the typos and spelling mistakes 2 am brain! Blush

TooManyPaws · 31/12/2017 01:21

I used to share a flat with a Scots-Italian guy from the west of Scotland. His telephone conversations with his family involved English, Italian and Scots, often in the same sentence. Weird at first but they had no real idea they were doing it.

RB68 · 31/12/2017 01:25

I think the key thing here is he is talking about OP and its a mixed convo in terms of language anyway. He is v rude to speak about you in another language and also not to properly involve you in organising a holiday on which you are going

lalalalyra · 31/12/2017 02:18

I think it's only rude when it's deliberate.

My ex's grandparents were Italian and his mother tends to switch languages occasionally without much thought. That's absolutely fine.

Ex never speaks it. Unless he was chatting to his cousin and didn't want me to know their plans when he was pretending to work. So he's sit on the sofa chatting in Italian. That was rude, because it was deliberate. He just couldn't be arsed going to another room to talk.

My girls speak a weird combo of English, pigeon Italian and twinspeak they made up when they were kids, they know around table or other people they only speak the common language though, it's just manners.

NeverUseThisName · 31/12/2017 02:21

I was brought up in multiple languages. When my family are together we slip in and out of our two main languages without thinking about it. Dh has got used to it, though he has made no effort to learn my mother tongue. I make the effort to talk in English when he's around, and will nudge my family should they forget, though I'm quite happy to burble away with DM in our mother tongue, as long as it's nothing to do with dh. What I will never, ever, do is use my mother tongue in front of him to hide what I'm saying about him. That is unacceptably rude and exclusionary. I will not do it, and I have shut up relatives who tried to do it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/12/2017 02:52

He's having a conversation on the phone with his brother but involving you in parts of the discussion - that makes it a 3 way conversation.
As such, he should not be dropping into Hindi to make comments that he knows you can't understand because clearly he's doing it deliberately so that you DON'T understand, and that's bloody rude.

When he talks to his brother in general on the phone without you being involved, then he can speak how he likes. But using his bilinguilism to say things about you when you're listening but can't understand is really just rude and he should not do it.

Original poster
cmwife · 31/12/2017 03:38

Ninesided, maybe. I spent 6 months learning the language at night after work (I'm a lawyer and until recently worked long hours - over fifty hours a week usually on top of raising kids). There are three reasons I didn't continue. One it was quite hard where I live to find a teacher. I had a great one, who had to stop lessons for her own reasons, and despite contacting the local community group I couldn't find another teacher within an hour's drive of my house. The second, and this is the much bigger issue, is that DH himself doesn't think it's important that I learn and wouldn't make the effort to speak to me in his language, despite my asking him regularly to speak to me for more than a year. He doesn't speak with the kids either - I speak far more to them in his language than he does. It's actually really hard to learn another language with only one or two hours tuition each week and no conversation. It would be easier if I could hire movies etc to learn - but the language actually isn't Hindi, it's another far less common subcontinental language and it's quite hard to find English subtitled films/programmes. (I've said it's Hindi as specifying the real language is too outing I think). Finally, and this is where I'm probably being lazy, everyone in his family speaks excellent English - as I've said, it's his and his brothers' first language - so there's not that much need - except for jokes which don't translate, but really I'd have to be pretty fluent to get those anyway and I'm never going to get there without regular conversation. Having said all of that, maybe I am just being lazy. I'm taking some time off this year so I would have time to learn, and online courses may have become available since the last time I looked.

OP posts:
hevonbu · 31/12/2017 04:35

In any case it seems unreasonable to ask him not to use his second "first language" under the circumstances. I think you're blowing it up out of proportion, honestly, and now make a lengthy argument about why it's impossible for you to learn it under the circumstances. You cannot reasonably change anything. I understand you might feel excluded, but things are what they are. I so wonder what language it is. In my mind I imagine it to be Romanian, which seems to fit with the description of hard and being fairly inaccessible.

hevonbu · 31/12/2017 04:37

Have you tried "Duolingo"? The platform seems to have all languages and host teachers and students from all corners of the world.

hevonbu · 31/12/2017 04:40

You might also want to check out YouTuber "Lingosteve" to get ideas on how to singlehandedly take on a foreign language and become fluent. I listened to him speaking in my first language (a Germanic language) and it's nearly perfect, his method is a good one.

csigeek · 31/12/2017 04:55

Is he perhaps planning a surprise for you that he didn't want you to pick up on during the phone conversation?

MistressDeeCee · 31/12/2017 04:57

I don't know why some people don't just marry English like themselves, and have done with it.

English is not this man's first language. He is speaking his heritage language to his brother, as it's natural for him. It doesn't matter if he can speak English, he's doing what is the norm for them.

I can speak and write English perfectly well. It's not my heritage language. I speak English at work. At home with OH, as he doesn't speak my language. But when my DB or good friend calls, conversation is a mix of English and our language, mostly no English, we're chatting and joking. Believe it or not, that is natural. I do it without even thinking.

Thankfully OH isn't paranoid and doesn't sit there assuming anytime I'm not speaking English I must be talking about him. My DDs speak their dad's (my ExH) language. I don't speak it although I can understand a little. I don't get in a tizz when they speak or joke in their dad's language, loads of their mates speak it as well.

If I wanted to be the language police I'd marry my own. As it is - no way on this earth would anyone be given space to tell me I can't speak my own language. I don't buy into excuses for prejudice.

If you think anytime your partner speaks his own language he's plotting against you then you're with the wrong person anyway aren't you.

Original poster
cmwife · 31/12/2017 05:08

If you think anytime your partner speaks his own language he's plotting against you then you're with the wrong person anyway aren't you

Um, I don't think that at all. I've been pretty clear above in that regard. Calm down.

Hevonbu, thanks for the tips, I was looking at Duolingo this afternoon and it looks great.

OP posts:
Original poster
cmwife · 31/12/2017 05:11

Csigeek, possibly. He turned 40 recently and BIL and I organised a huge surprise for him requiring much secrecy so he might be organising to return the favour. Smile

OP posts:
Somtamthai · 31/12/2017 08:26

It could be rude as English is their first language BUT if they are bilingual then I don’t see it as a problem.

my fiancé speaks Cebuano as a first language l, then English and Tagalog as second languages. English is my first, Thai second. I only expect to be told what’s happening if I hear myself being referred to.

So I think as he’s onthe phone he can speak whatever language he likes. Maybe try to learn more Hindi?

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 08:30

Somtam but the OP was being referred to.

Doobigetta · 31/12/2017 08:37

I think it's rude to talk on the phone in front of someone else- it's irritating and frustrating being forced to listen to half a conversation in any language. You have to choose whether to try and fill in the gaps, or be polite and try not to listen. Ask your husband to go into another room when he's on the phone.

Wishingandwaiting · 31/12/2017 08:39

I always think it’s incredibly sexy when I hear someone flick between two languages.

Probably just me....

hevonbu · 31/12/2017 08:40

It's just you, probably.