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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my husband not to speak another language?

102 replies

cmwife · 30/12/2017 23:47

Genuinely wondering if IABU. I was born in the Antipodes and English is my first language. DH's parents were from the subcontinent, but DH was born and raised in Hong Kong and English is his first language too, as he and his brothers were all educated in English, and his parents spoke English at home. He has lived here since he was 16 years of age. He also speaks his parents' language (let's say it's Hindi)? I speak a bit of Hindi (I had lessons for 6 months after we got married), but not enough to follow a conversation with anyone over the age of about 3! I am presently sitting next to him and he is on the phone to his brother planning an overseas trip. DH, our two DDs, BIL and I will attend the holiday (amongst others). I am periodically being asked for input (on activities, flight schedules etc). DH is speaking mostly in English . However, sometimes when speaking into the phone to his brother he is reverting to Hindi. His brother's first language is also English so there's no need to do this for comprehension reasons. I think DH is being a bit rude, especially as I can tell that he's referred to me at least once in Hindi. I don't know enough Hindi to follow exactly what he's saying. I've asked him to speak in English in this instance so I know what's going on as they are planning a trip which I will be involved in. He says I have no right to ask him to speak English in this instance. He was quite short with me. To be clear, he very often speaks Hindi to others in front of me, and that's fine (sometimes I ask him to translate so I can understand, but often I don't bother). But in this case, as I was involved in the conversation, I think he should agree to speak in English. This is particularity so as I can tell he's talked about me at least once and I think it's rude of him to do this if I can't understand what he's saying. His reaction has me wondering though if IABU?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 31/12/2017 08:44

If you don't like it the answer is to learn Hindi yourself. But it is rude of him to obviously talk about you in a language you don't understand.

greendale17 · 31/12/2017 08:49

YABU

fat32 · 31/12/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Clandestino · 31/12/2017 09:10

YABU.
We speak three languages at home. Eh, me and DD do. DH doesn't speak my language. I can't speak to my family in languages he understands because they don't speak them fluently. If needed, I translate but I made it clear, learn or suffer. We speak his mother tongue at home and I am not bothered with that.
Just because it's English not everyone has to speak it.

Lndnmummy · 31/12/2017 09:22

I think ybvu and controlling. I always speak my first language to my relatives despite having lived here for 20 yes. If my dh told me which language I could speak to my own sister in on the phone that i pay for I would tell him to get lost. I do control it when my relatives are here. I always translate when we have dinner and encourage my parents to speak English as obviously sitting through a whole dinner with people talking a foreign language is just painful.

InAPickleToday · 31/12/2017 09:40

It's not like OP's DH is only speaking hindi with his DB. I'm sure OP wouldn't have a problem if that were the case.

DH is speaking mainly in English so OP can understand but then changing to hindi. This makes me think he's talking about things he doesn't want OP to know about. To do that in front of OP is rude.

YANBU

MistressDeeCee · 31/12/2017 11:00

When you are not living in your heritage country and you therefore mostly speak the language of the country your are in, let's say England in this case - you will speak to your siblings parents close friends of same heritage etc, in your own heritage language.

Just as you did in your own country, where English was not priority language even if spoken at times.

Words may be interspersed with English here and there - especially if person you're speaking with also lives here. A form of slang. Im not even conscious I'm doing it. It's natural. That's how language shifts and develops.

Next time I go back home shall I now refuse to acknowledge British people, of which there are many who've lived there for years made fuck all attempt to learn the language, and can only speak English? Where there are lots of people, mostly outside city, who don't speak English at all?

Some people are mono-lingual to the enth, but want to tell other people to abandon heritage as if there's somehow a ban on their lazy minded selves learning their partners etc language too.

No way would I stand for anyone trying to clamp down on me speaking my language in my personal life. Faffing sround me as if every non-English sentence must be about them. I dislike control freaks.

Xenophobes just marry your own if you want solely English spoken in your home. No chance of having DCs and going into panic mode if, God forbid, there's a chance theyll be learning non-English heritage language too. Problem solved.

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 11:01

DH is speaking mainly in English so OP can understand but then changing to hindi. This makes me think he's talking about things he doesn't want OP to know about.

Or he is just doing what bilingual people do when they're talking to other bilingual people. It's completely normal and natural for bilingual people to switch between languages mid-conversation, and half the time, they probably don't even realise they're doing it.

Switching could suggest that they're talking about something that they don't want OP to understand, but this is by no means the only reason why people might switch.

AdaColeman · 31/12/2017 11:06

Take a crash course in Hindi ASAP.

Sounds as though he's using Hindi when he wants to talk about things he doesn't want you to know.

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 11:13

Take a crash course in Hindi?

What happens when DH realises OP speaks Hindi and just calls his brother when he's in the car or out and about?

Hindi is not easy to learn and unless OP is planning to move to India, not the most useful of languages to learn.

Unless there are other issues in OP's marriage, this is not a deal breaker.

lasttimeround · 31/12/2017 11:21

Language switching is normal when you're bilingual. Often really hard to control. I think if you want to discuss details of the holiday thrn just say hang on I want in on discussing what's being planned. But I think your dh should talk to his brother in whatever language or language mix that suits him.

blueyacht · 31/12/2017 11:26

I learned my husband's language. Too bloody nosey to miss out on what was being said.

Branleuse · 31/12/2017 11:28

Why should you be able to listen in on his phone calls to his brother. Hes not even speaking to you

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 11:29

I learned my husband's language. Too bloody nosey to miss out on what was being said.

Same here!

ontheedge99 · 31/12/2017 11:35

I'm Indian. We are raised tri or at least binlingual. We drift in and out of both languages inside the same sentence without ever realising it.

A sentence could easily be "Are you coming over aajke ya kaalke, but either way can you please bring the cheerer naadu with you that Didu makes cod it's yummy!"

This is the way we speak. It's normal. It's what it is. We wouldn't even realise that sentence is the equivalent of the famous Mumsnet Franglais thread until we wrote it out.

Our movie our songs our adverts our newspaper headlines do it all the time.

Thank fuck my white British DH has not one issue about it.

mammmamia · 31/12/2017 11:53

^^ totally agree with this - this is how a lot of people with Indian heritage speak - completely fluent in both languages and drift in and out of them.

However in the OP's case - I think her DH is being rude. He's definitely excluding her and that's not on!

NeverUseThisName · 31/12/2017 12:18

But the other language, 'Hindi', is not his mother tongue. The OP understands enough to know that he is switching into it when mentioning her. That is utterly rude.

Multi-lingual people do switch unconsciously between their languages, but we can also make the effort not to do so.

Guavaf1sh · 31/12/2017 12:26

Yabu

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 12:41

Multi-lingual people do switch unconsciously between their languages, but we can also make the effort not to do so

Yes, but I think this is much more difficult for some people than others. I speak several languages fluently but have no difficulty sticking to just one, perhaps because I've spent most of my life in contexts where you tend to only speak one language at a time.

My DH grew up in a context where it is absolutely normal to mix and match languages all the time. As others have said, this happens regularly in films and in the media as well. I think it can be hard to stop doing this, as people don't even realise what they're doing. My DH most certainly makes an effort not to mix when he is in monolingual contexts, but mixing is so much a part of the way that he speaks that he occasionally forgets. And I wouldn't dream of asking him to edit his language when talking to family members!

Jaxhog · 31/12/2017 12:52

He probably doesn't realise he does it. I wouldn't worry, as long as you get all the info (in English) you need when he asks you to make choices.

Our family speaks 'shorthand' English e.g. we finish each other's sentences and talk fast across each other. We tend to forget that not everyone else can follow our conversations, especially my Chinese SiL. It's a bit rude really, but it's what families do.

missadasmith · 31/12/2017 13:07

sorry, yabvu.

Pluckedpencil · 31/12/2017 13:23

I'm on the fence on this one.
We are a bilingual house and do switch between languages. My friend is Lebanese and listening to her with her sister on the phone is fascinating. Literally one sentence French, the next Arabic, the next English...
BUT I have also been the one without the language early in our relationship going for a drink with someone who did have some English but they still spoke in dh language and it is so easy to get paranoid, get wrong end of the stick on conversations etc. I do think you need to be very considerate of others in that situation.

Artistic · 31/12/2017 18:33

I speak a number of languages, one with my parents another with DH, English with DC, mixture of all with friends. Honestly I don't even know what language am speaking in - it just automatically switches depending on WHO I am talking to.

RadioGaGoo · 31/12/2017 18:39

Sounds more controlling to have a discussion about someone in another language that the subject person cannot understand, in front of that person. Controlling and downright rude. Lack of manners.

spangles1963 · 01/01/2018 17:47

This used to annoy me with my exP. English was his second language,and he spoke it perfectly well,as did all of his friends and family. Yet whenever he bumped into any of his friends or relatives,or spoke to them on the phone,he would always revert to his native language. I said it was ill mannered to do so in the presence of someone who didn't speak the language. But he never 'got it' and continued to do so. The final straw was whenever we had a disagreement or an argument,he would start muttering swear words under his breath in his native language. (I knew they were swear words as I heard them so often I looked them up). Being called a mother fucker and told to 'go and fuck your father' were some of the milder ones. One of the reasons he's now my ex.

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