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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my husband not to speak another language?

102 replies

cmwife · 30/12/2017 23:47

Genuinely wondering if IABU. I was born in the Antipodes and English is my first language. DH's parents were from the subcontinent, but DH was born and raised in Hong Kong and English is his first language too, as he and his brothers were all educated in English, and his parents spoke English at home. He has lived here since he was 16 years of age. He also speaks his parents' language (let's say it's Hindi)? I speak a bit of Hindi (I had lessons for 6 months after we got married), but not enough to follow a conversation with anyone over the age of about 3! I am presently sitting next to him and he is on the phone to his brother planning an overseas trip. DH, our two DDs, BIL and I will attend the holiday (amongst others). I am periodically being asked for input (on activities, flight schedules etc). DH is speaking mostly in English . However, sometimes when speaking into the phone to his brother he is reverting to Hindi. His brother's first language is also English so there's no need to do this for comprehension reasons. I think DH is being a bit rude, especially as I can tell that he's referred to me at least once in Hindi. I don't know enough Hindi to follow exactly what he's saying. I've asked him to speak in English in this instance so I know what's going on as they are planning a trip which I will be involved in. He says I have no right to ask him to speak English in this instance. He was quite short with me. To be clear, he very often speaks Hindi to others in front of me, and that's fine (sometimes I ask him to translate so I can understand, but often I don't bother). But in this case, as I was involved in the conversation, I think he should agree to speak in English. This is particularity so as I can tell he's talked about me at least once and I think it's rude of him to do this if I can't understand what he's saying. His reaction has me wondering though if IABU?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2017 00:06

If his brother's first language is English, then he's deliberately slipping into Hindi to say something he doesn't want you to hear. So they are plotting

I talk to my sister about my husband. I wouldn’t want him to hear everything I said. No plotting!

EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck · 31/12/2017 00:07

This is like a conversation I was having with DD in a French deli recently. I told her to say thank you, she said she didn't know how to say it in French, I told her, but pointed out that the man spoke fluent English, she asked why all the staff were talking to each other in French? I said because it's their first language!

If your DH normally speaks to his brother in a mixture of English and Hindi, then it's just automatic.

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 00:07

I think multi-lingual families do commonly swap between languages within conversations and are not always fully aware that they are doing it.

Exactly. We switch languages frequently in our family, and we frequently don't notice that we have switched. And some things are much easier to express in one language than another.

My DH grew up speaking a language that I didn't know at all when I met him. We also have a couple of other languages that we do both speak. It would never have occurred to me to try to restrict his use of the language that I didn't know. I just learnt that language as well so that I could understand what was going on.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/12/2017 00:08

He probably doesn’t realise he’s doing it. Some languages lend themselves better to some thoughts/feelings/ways of expressing oneself so people with fluency in more than one language will use the one that helps them best say whatever it is they’re trying to say. It is not necessarily a conscious act. Of course, languages can be used to exclude people which is unacceptable but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. You can learn more? Why not?

Whiterabbitears · 31/12/2017 00:09

OP I agree with others saying that he has a right to speak with his brother in their own language, of course he does, however in this particular situation it would have been more considerate to speak English so you can understand too. If he is bilingual it wouldn't take any effort especially as you are asking him to.

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 00:11

If his brother's first language is English, then he's deliberately slipping into Hindi to say something he doesn't want you to hear.

Not necessarily. It's very, very common for people from the Indian subcontinent to switch between English and South Asian languages frequently during the course of a normal conversation - regardless of what their first language is.

Aria2015 · 31/12/2017 00:13

I think if people can talk in a common language that everyone understands, then yes, they are being rude not to. I come from a multicultural family myself and we always speak in the language the majority understand as to not exclude them.

Misericord · 31/12/2017 00:15

Thinking about it, when friends talk on the phone to relatives when I’m with them, it can make me really paranoid. Hopefully that isn’t how you feel with DH though? If it is I would just say that outright and see what he says.

Original poster

cmwife · 31/12/2017 00:18

Yep, he probably doesn't realise he's doing it - and even I he did realise, that is ok. I was not at all annoyed that he did it, just that he refused to speak English in this particular case when I asked him to. I only asked him to speak English because he kept asking me for input, and the discussion affects me, and I could tell he was talking about me. To be clear, I've not done this before because (as other pps have said) what language he speaks is his business - I thought though that this time, given the context of the conversation, it was mine too 😀. Happy to accept that's not the case though and that IABU. I should have just asked him to translate as usual, rather than asking him to speak English.

OP posts:

Schlimbesserung · 31/12/2017 00:19

My husband's first language is Gaelic, which I can understand but not speak. He frequently speaks to his siblings in Gaelic and it doesn't bother me at all. Partly because his brothers are arses and I don't want to hear anything they have to say! It's easier for me to tune it out than English or any of the other languages I do speak well.
I would be really annoyed by someone sitting right next to me and speaking on the phone though. I really hate being forced to hear half a phone conversation, it feels very awkward to me. If he wants to have a private conversation then he should move.

Original poster

cmwife · 31/12/2017 00:29

Haha re plotting! Probably not an issue here, they are both lovely - although the pair of them are pretty upfront about the fact that they find my unwillingness to spend 5 to10 hours per day in a car in heavy traffic driving all over the place visiting relatives quite odd (I mean really, doesn't that sound like a fun way to spend several days of your holidays 😁) and i suspect that's what they were talking about. So maybe I was feeling a bit paranoid actually. No matter, I've apologised for asking and explained why I was asking, and he's agreed to either translate or put the call on speaker for any further holiday planning discussions requiring my input 😁. So everyone's happy. Thanks all.

OP posts:

Original poster

cmwife · 31/12/2017 00:30

(To be clear, I like seeing my rellies, it's just the driving that slays me).

OP posts:

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 00:34

My first language is German so my DSis and I usually speak ‘German’ with each other (DH understands... a little. Because we don’t aactually speak ‘standard German’).

But we were raised in a trilingual family (spoke mostly German with our parents but other languages with our cousins, grandparents etc) and sometimes a word from an other language just ‘fits’ better or we may be talking about a film we watched together and if we didn’t watch it in German etc...
And that’s not because we’re trying to keep secrets. Especially not malicious ones.

Anyhow, we obviously stick to English if it’s a conversation that actively involves DH but not if we’re talking amongst ourselves and simply need DH’s input occasionally.

I’d be rather angry if DH wanted to dictate what kind of language I could use. I’m using whatever feels most comfortable or appropriate. Especially when talking to my family.

It’s not like I’m asking him to speak Italian or German when we’re at my mother’s... (she doesn’t speak English).

I’m rambling but yes, YABU imo.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 31/12/2017 00:35

There is no way I will speak to my immediate family in any other than the language we grew up speaking.

In any other setting I'm with you, it's rude to speak a language not everyone understands.

Family, however, is different.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 00:35

No matter, I've apologised for asking and explained why I was asking, and he's agreed to either translate or put the call on speaker for any further holiday planning discussions requiring my input 😁. So everyone's happy. Thanks all.

Sounds great. I hope you enjoy your holiday :)

edwinbear · 31/12/2017 00:37

I think if he naturally slips into Hindi when speaking with his brother, English isn't actually his first language.

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 00:42

Edwin, a lot of people from the Indian subcontinent come from bilingual families, and will have grown up mixing the two. The concept of a "first" language is only really relevant when you grow up in a monolingual context.

edwinbear · 31/12/2017 00:45

Broken thank you. I do indeed come from a very monolingual background and the concept of slipping in and out of languages is alien to me. And I'm very envious of the ability to do so.

scottishdiem · 31/12/2017 00:48

My DP speaks to family (one almost daily) and friends in a local language (even though DP speaks English and passed the English exam in school and failed the local language exam - old colonial type school so was taught in English).

It would not occur to me to ask them to speak anything other than their own language if thats what they want. This has including a wedding celebration, birth of children, visits to stay in our home and visits to theirs.

mammmamia · 31/12/2017 00:49

If English is his first language but he's deliberately speaking Hindi with his brother he's saying something he doesn't want you to hear!
I do this with my DH when we want to say something in front of the DC without them understanding! We are both British but speak very good Hindi. We would never have spoken to each other in Hindi normally so our DC don't know it at all.
It's not done maliciously in our case, our DC are small and it's usually something about getting them upstairs for a bath early or something equally mundane.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 31/12/2017 00:50

He could be arranging a surprise

Original poster

cmwife · 31/12/2017 00:51

Edwinbear, he mostly speaks English to his brother (at least as far as I'm aware) but does include Hindi (both words and sentences) as a matter of course. He says that English is his first language - that isn't my own conclusion (although this statement makes sense to me, as he has two degrees from an English speaking University but can't for example easily follow Hindi News reports and he can't read at all). It's interesting actually, he's told me his parents were determined that he and his brothers would be "true" English speakers. He even retains a bit of his RP "accent" (is RP an accent? I wouldn't know, I'm descended from Irish stock and speak 'Strine') which he picked up in 10 years of schooling in HK, and that after nearly 25 years of living here. He sounds much posher than I.

OP posts:

Brokenbiscuit · 31/12/2017 00:51

I understand that Edwin. I also grew up in a monolingual environment, but I now live in a very multilingual household, so I can see it from both sides.

We switch in and out of three different languages all the time. It depends on mood, context, what we're discussing and who is present. I have no trouble staying with one language when I need to. DH finds it virtually impossible.

FoggieFishieCarpeDiem · 31/12/2017 00:52

Broken

I’m not from the Indian subcontinent but I still agree with you.

DH (he grew up speaking English) was initially rather confused as well... especially when he realised that he’d technically need to learn at least 3 additional languages to understand everyone at most of my family’s family gatherings. English isn’t one of the languages spoken in my family but most ‘younger’ people had English classes in high school.(lucky DH, I guess 😉)

mammmamia · 31/12/2017 00:52

broken that's interesting. Hadn't thought of that, yes I would say I don't have a first language as such as I understand Hindi so well. I can't speak it like I do English but I can understand it without even knowing it's not English if that makes sense.

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