Anyone else who had a difficult labour find it hard to cope with “baby just fell out” friends?

[Pretendbookworm]

So I know I should be happy for her and I absolutely am. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through. I had a traumatic delivery, a hospital stay, PTSD and PND.

Now my friend had a baby about 2 weeks ago. She didn’t need any pain relief. Was home within 6 hours of giving birth. Sent me messages such as “thank you so much for preparing me so well by telling me what happened but like I’ve hardly had any bleeding, I’m really surprising myself, I feel awesome, breastfeeding is going so well.” And I just want to reply with GOOD FOR YOU!!!

To be honest I’m posting just to vent as I know I’ll go to see the new baby anyway, I know she’s done nothing wrong, but equally I just want to scream and pop a few congratulations balloons while I’m there. Anyone else get where I’m coming from?

It’s the 20 zillion messages of congratulations for “doing it naturally” that get me. Like anyone chooses loads of interventions and there’s some sort of virtue in enduring the pain. If someone had a tooth extraction without pain relief people would be telling them they were crazy, not brilliant!

I’m sorry you had such a hard time OP and I wish you a speedy recovery

You don’t have to have a difficult delivery to find that annoying

I had one of each; 3 days with every drug under the sun vs 3 hours of nothing whatsoever. Every birth is different so I wouldn’t take your friends comments in a good/bad way. It’s just her experience.

Everyone either died or had a sneeze birth (I sneezed and out it popped). Very few in the middle

Sorry ‘almost’ died

Just smile and nod. The reality of having a newborn will hit soon enough.

Totally. I had a prem baby by c section and an awful labour second time that resulted in a c section after a failed manual rotation. Failed at giving birth and subsequently failed at breastfeeding. My friend had a baby this week, apparently it was a super quick and drug free labour.

I find competitive bad birth stories worse tbh. I've only ever known one person who said they didn't really feel pain and about 100 who had the worst birth ever. Never anything in between ime.

I know what you mean, my DMs friends daughter gave birth a few weeks before me; water birth at home, one hour of contractions before three pushes and baby was out, a mild graze, one stitch.

And then me:. 30 hour back to back labour with an almost 9lber who was forehead presentation with his hand up by his face, transfer in rush hour traffic across a massive city, failure to progress, C-section.

Couldn't have been more different. Sometimes I get pangs of "ooh I wish it had been a bit smoother" but my experience is my experience, can't change it now. And I still think I'm bloody amazing

Fucking annoying when you've had a shit time of it and somebody else breezes through and as much as you think "oh how lovely, glad it went well" you also think "why me, why my vagina?! You were favourable last week at my sweep you rubbish cervix, fucked that one up, didn't you?!"

As much as it's wonderful for them and you wouldn't want to inflict that experience on them, it is a bit galling isn't it

Whilst I had a perfectly OK labour, DD was completely nocturnal and a screamer (she was positively hellish as a newborn). Friends of ours had a baby a few months later who slept 6hrs a night instantly. I think we had hoped for a little solidarity (misery loves company and all that) but it wasn't to be I think it's completely normal to be a little bitter when you've had a tougher time of it

I would find it annoying too, OP. I had one long (27 hours plus forceps labour) and one that was about 4 hours from first pain to birth. The second one wasn't exactly a sneeze, and was just as painful.
It's annoying because it isn't anything you have control over - easy birth - lucky, that's all. not a virtue.

I hear you OP.

I had a third degree tear with my first dd and a very scary delivery in a delivery room when I really should have been in theatre. Breastfeeding completely failed. I had 5 months of physio afterwards.

I remember the day as clear as anything when my knees buckled beneath me in the kitchen and my dh trying to comfort me after aid read a text from a friends DH -

"Gave birth to an amazing baby with just a whiff of gas and air. That's what I call a woman!"

Took me long time to get over it.

I meant to explain it was a text birth announcement of their own new baby.

I have an acquaintance who used to boast loudly about her 4 natural home births in a group of mums where at least 3 of us had really difficult births and EMCS out of necessity. Either me or DS1 (or both of us) would not have made it without intervention. I wish people like her realised they were lucky, rather than virtuous, because she certainly came across like she thought she was the bestest at birthing. I tend to keep my distance these days. Her eldest is always in trouble at high school, often on a warning or in detention, so now I get to be (quietly) judgemental about her parenting skills.

Don't think you can complain about giving you her birth story when you've evidently been regaling her with yours.

I had a fast easy homebirth with DD. For months beforehand, one of my closest friends repeatedly told me about her 52 hour labour, EMCS during which she was restrained etc. She asked me why I wanted to "go back to the eighteenth century" by giving birth at home and predicted that I wouldn't cope after the birth as women needed medical supervision.

I found her comments really upsetting but in hindsight, I realise she probably had her own trauma from her experiences and the pregnancy of a close friend brought back some scary memories.

You sound the same. As long as your friend isn't evangelising but is just describing her own experiences, she has just as much right to discuss her experiences as you do.

Well you are a bit U but it's understandable.

A friend had a baby a month after I had my twins. She told me how tired she was because her DD woke up once in the night for a feed. I didn't sleep for more than 2 hours for a month and could barely remember my own name. I wanted to stab her.

The further you get away from the birth the less important all this seems.

I also hate the smug 'all natural' brigade.

Can defo see why that would be annoying!

Do you know what though? Everyone has their own trials. Some people have a tough time TTC, other people have horrid pregnancies, a difficult birth, feeding issues, a non-sleeping baby, a terrible tantruming toddler and so forth. I doubt it's plain sailing all the way for anyone and most things are down to luck. It's tempting to compare but just makes you miserable. I think it's better just to nod and smile and be kind, you (and they!) don't know what's in store.

It's annoying because it isn't anything you have control over - easy birth - lucky, that's all. not a virtue.

I see another PP got there first.

I also find competitive bad labour stories annoying. I don’t have any family. My partners family were all I had to go on after my shit time of it I really had to talk to someone who understood so I tried to talk to in-laws. MIL would always interrupt my description of events to remind me that it was worse for her daughter. “Oh she had to stay in twice as long” kind of thing.

But at least there’s an acknowledgement that it’s hard work. “Baby fell out” brigade would stand on a sinking ship and declare that they could manage without air anyway.

The thing is though a good/bad birth are subjective. corbyn I too find the competitive horror stories much more eye rolling than the 'breeze birth' ones. I find this seems to get worse as the years go on too? In recent years most people I know have been "blue lighted" to the hospital, both mum and baby nearly died, had a "crash c/s" and both had to be resuscitated after dying on the operating theatre. Funnily enough they then went on to be discharged 24 hours later! Not saying these things don't happen, but I'm sure it is not the majority.

After a not so pleasant delivery and a difficult recovery I really had to bite my toungue when a friend claimed that her easy birth and swift recovery both times were because she keeps fit and eats well. She is gym and diet obsessed.
There could be some truth in it but I almost said
‘So I must have brought it all on myself then....’
I have avoided seeing her since. I can only hope she just had no real idea of the difficulties that others face, rather than just being cruel.
I understand what you are saying op.
For those boasting, I would never wish a difficult delivery on someone but if they have problems next time I believe they will look back and be ashamed at their comments.

Yes the idea that you are less of a woman because you haven't managed to successfully give birth without intervention is pretty shit. Luckily I haven't had any comments like this in real life yet.

I can't speak to birth, as I've never done it (but I am currently 10 weeks pregnant and desperately hoping I'll get to!). But I read your OP and it felt so familiar, because it's exactly how I feel about people who got to be pregnant without miscarriages first. I know that my journey wouldn't have been easier if theirs had been harder, I don't actually wish it on other people, but I get so jealous. If it helps at all: my counsellor (who I see for general anxiety, but have discussed this with) told me that as long as I'm not expressing those thoughts, and so hurting others, it's better to accept how I feel and forgive myself for it than to fight it and feel guilty. I think the same is true of you. Let yourself feel jealous, and treat the thoughts compassionately but rationally; it doesn't make you a bad person to have them, but nor is it anyone else's fault either.

Hmm, I do understand, but all 3 of my DC's births were quick. DS1 was a scary forceps birth after 3 hours of failed pushing and he was born in the anaesthetic room due to a 'more urgent' case overtaking me to the theatre. DS2 was fairly quick but painful. DS3 was horrendously quick, born at home completely unplanned with no HCPs attending and extremely frightening. Yes, he was a 'sneeze' birth. But checking to see if he was breathing myself as he pinked up from blue wasn't a piece of cake.

Everyone has their birth stories. I'm just glad that medicine has advanced so far that so few of us die in labour these days. Thank goodness for CS, ventouse and forceps, so much better than the alternative. Without them I might not have survived DS1's birth to have had DS2 and DS3 so 'easily.'

But why are women whose babies "fell out" all "smug" and a "brigade"?

I mean, for me, DD did just fall out. Probably a combination of me having fast birthing genes inherited from my granny and a fanny like the Channel Tunnel favourably shaped birth canal.

I also hate the whole "ohhh it will all be awful, it's so undignified, you are just an animal" thing. You cannot control labour but you can prepare for most labours and in some cases influence the outcome by staying mobile etc. Eg I am sure my hypnobirthing helped me stay calm during a bewilderingly fast labour with no medical assistance.

That is not smug, it's just what happened, and if people are going to tell horror stories to first time mums, we should also tell them about easier births.