Anyone else who had a difficult labour find it hard to cope with “baby just fell out” friends?

[Pretendbookworm]

So I know I should be happy for her and I absolutely am. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through. I had a traumatic delivery, a hospital stay, PTSD and PND.

Now my friend had a baby about 2 weeks ago. She didn’t need any pain relief. Was home within 6 hours of giving birth. Sent me messages such as “thank you so much for preparing me so well by telling me what happened but like I’ve hardly had any bleeding, I’m really surprising myself, I feel awesome, breastfeeding is going so well.” And I just want to reply with GOOD FOR YOU!!!

To be honest I’m posting just to vent as I know I’ll go to see the new baby anyway, I know she’s done nothing wrong, but equally I just want to scream and pop a few congratulations balloons while I’m there. Anyone else get where I’m coming from?

The "too posh to push" thing gets right up my nose, because aside from the deliberate nastiness of it, it also betrays that the person saying it has no concept of how much work it is looking after a newborn - that (at best) 2 weeks after the birth the majority of mothers are dealing with their babies alone for 10 hours a day at least, whether or not they're in any way recovered from the birth.

Failed at giving birth and subsequently failed at breastfeeding.

I find this really sad. The process of childbirth is to get your baby out of your body. Nothing more. I hate that we feel that things we often have little or no control over are things we feel judged on.

I have had 1 forceps, 1 c section and am due at the end of January. I don't care how she gets out, as long as we are both ok.

Until recently, childbirth was often a deadly process. Now our chances of survival are exponentially improved, we feel judged on how we get through it.

She's probably bloody relieved!! When you're pregnant everyone who has ever had a baby cannot wait to regale you with tales of their 100 hour labour, 10 hours of pushing, episiotomy with no pain relief, assisted deliveries with dozens of doctors and nurses all standing round the bed looking worried and it's fucking terrifying!! I swear with some women its a competition to prove who had the most horrific birth experience!

I had two very straight-forward births. The first was a fairly textbook 12 hour labour but felt I'd been really lucky and when I got pregnant the second time, thought "this is it, this will be a bad one" but that one was a "sneezer"!

I hope that when I tell people, particularly pregnant women, about my experiences it gives a balance to all of the horror stories and can demonstrate that sometimes childbirth can actually be a positive experience.

I don’t think people are being boastful or deliberately goady I think she’s just sharing her experience with you. Don’t take it as a judgement

Totally understand this from all sides. Have experience from both sides DD was a no drugs, no tear home same day birth with my size 10's back on in 3 weeks. DS was 3 weeks late, 12 hrs of dry , back to back labour followed by crash section when he presented breech at the last minute. The hospital treated me appallingly and ignored all my requests for scans and examinations because I knew something was wrong. I'm still healing physically and mentally 8 months on. But I've learned that the labour doesn't matter, it's like having a tooth pulled out., If it's out and you don't bleed to death its a success. If your baby made it into the world alive and without severe disabilities (we know this can happen right?) then both you and your midwife/doctor did a great job. And sooner or later those scars heal. Its perhaps easier for me to think this way as we've had a couple of tragedies in my immediate family that have resulted in little white coffins and therefore if I'd had to lose a leg to get him out alive and well I would have gotten over it. People will always brag about their superior experience or there heroic survival but only your own birth matters to you so bloody ignore them.

I would also say that like most new mums she probably feels the pressure to be perfect which would influence what she shares.

Having had a long labour and forceps, I was prancing about trying to be perfect after my first until about 2 weeks in when I completely collapsed in tears on my mum because i couldn't keep up the front anymore.

Keep an eye on her, because having set up this scenario of being the perfect new mum, she may find it harder to ask for help and support.

Can't stay on this thread as it is reminding me that I have to try and push another person out of my vagina in a few weeks

This is exactly why I don't talk about any of my labours- all 3 DCs were born in straightforward labours - where I didn't require interventions nor did I feel like I needed any pain relief. However if I say anything to this affect I am considered smug- even though I remember being desperate when pregnant to hear birth stories which weren't terrifying.
I know I am lucky my DC were in good positions etc but for me a positive mindset really really helped me calm down and helped my labours progress - but feel I can't say this as it gets twisted into implying others didn't have a positive mindset which is most certainly not what I have ever said. Each labour is unique and each interpretation of that labour will be different and valid.
For what is worth I struggled enormously to adjust after each of my easy labours and first couple of months were a desperate struggle to bf...

I see Birth as a means to an end. I don’t mind that my all natural water Birth plans ended up as pre eclampsia and an emergency section under GA before I’d ever had a single contraction because DD and I came out of it fine.

OP I’d treat her like the people who are “all ready for Christmas” in September. Reply with a bland positive message and get on with your life.

I believe a lot of labour is about mindset and confidence, our bodies are designed to Burt babies naturally and without intervention, every step of labour happens for a reason, triggering different hormones and responses within the body.

This is exactly the sort of comment that upsets those that haven't managed to give birth naturally.

I believe a lot of labour is about mindset and confidence, our bodies are designed to Burt babies naturally and without intervention, every step of labour happens for a reason, triggering different hormones and responses within the body.

Could you let my body know that it didn't get the memo I had 2 straight forward labours up until the same point when everything stopped luckily the amazing doctors were able to help and had me 2 healthy babies instead if 2 dead ones which is what would have happened to my boys and likely me if my body was left to it's own devices.

Oh and fuck off with your birth mindset bollocks. I lived and breathed hypnobirthing with my first, was active all the way through pregnancy, ate a great diet, and ended up with an EMCS because DD was breech and got very, very stuck. If I hadn’t swallowed all that hypnobirthing bollocks, I would have avoided an emergency section and had a perfectly calm elective section, rather than getting away by the skin off my teeth. All hypnobirthing did was leave me with an abject sense of failure.

No one is denying the experiences of women who had an easy birth. Just pointing out that it’s not like you have much control over it.

All 3 of mine fell out without pain relief..... Then karma got me. First 2 don't sleep even aged 8 & 10. Ds1 autistic and DS2 severely disabled so we've spent lots of time in hospitals ...probably about 1/5 of his life. DC3 had so many allergies she screamed day and night.

Hope it makes you feel better .....

I had one very long and truly uncomfortable natural birth- no horror story but I didn't find it particularly pleasant. Then my second was an emergency C as baby was footling and I had an abrupted placenta.

The 'too posh to push' comments get right up my nose, it's major surgery FFS!

The other thing that I find annoying are those who didn't find it painful or didn't make a whimper etc etc. All women birth differently, whatever gets them Through gets them through. I have a very high pain threshold but when you've been in fast and furious labour for 25 hrs + and your energy levels have dived, what do you expect? A short labour can't be compared to a long one. No labour can really be compared- we are all different.

I had a 'difficult' birth (induction ending in EMCS as DS got stuck on way out)

I am happy to hear my friends labour stories where they were relatively straight forward or 'easy' as it gives me hope that if we have another, it will be a better experience than my first.

What I do hate is when the 'au natural' brigade tell me that C sections are uncalled for and anything can be done 'naturally' if you try hard enough (and yes before anyone asks someone has actually said this to me directly (she is a massive dick) apparently I can't put my point across to her that DS might have died if medical intervention wasn't available because she doesn't believe in 'that kind of stuff'.

OP I completely get where you're coming from, you're not being nasty. Do take a view though of 'you shared your story, she is sharing hers'. Her time will come when the baby won't sleep or has colic or his a horror when potty training. We all have our battles at different times.

With the benefit of many years between my births and now, I have heard and seen many variants of this.

The one that annoyed me most was the "I love him more because of all I went through to have him" (where "all" is IVF or a crash section). Really? You would have loved him less has he been conceived immediately and delivered within 1 hour listening to whale music?

Here's one for the mums of pre-schoolers - not one person at school or beyond will ask for your birth experience, whether you BF or not, how long you were trying.. The world moves on and it doesn't matter in the long run to the child, bar any medical issues related to same (rare).

W0rriedMum Agee totally.

I’m one of the ones with a horror birth - crash section under GA after failed induction- middle of the night, dh not at hospital- blue baby with AGPAR of 1 - baby in SCBU for 2 weeks, didn’t see baby for 12 hours after birth as he was too ill to move etc etc you get the story. DC2 planned section as neither doctors nor I wanted a repeat of first.

I’m honestly thrilled when I hear of people having great births - I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone. I don’t see it as boasting they are just excited and proud of their baby / partner. I know my dh told people how proud he was of me and my last memory before going under the anaesthetic was me whimpering please don’t let my baby die. We should all be proud we did wonderful, amazing things - we are all different and have different experiences. I’ve never had a contraction and have never felt judged and have joked (when jumping on trampoline with friends recently) that being too posh to push gas it’s benefits!

Anyway as W0rriedMum says once your kids are at school no one is interested- mine are teenagers and it was all a long time ago - a scary experience at the time but that’s all.

This has also reminded me of my friend. She was telling me how brave her DIL had been in labour and how her DS was so proud that DIL didn't scream or shout! 4 hour labour if that makes any difference. So does that mean I wasn't brave and my DH has no pride in me?

I talk about my quick, easy, pain relief free labours. I think it balances out the horror stories, and I heard a few both times I was pregnant.

I didn’t give a shit. Humans are all different and will have different experiences - didn’t bother me at all that people told me about their easy labours, when it took days to get dc1 out. It really was not something that phased me at all. I had a baby, and we were both reasonably healthy - that was already a hell of a lot more than some people have, so that fact that some had it “easier” was an irrelevance.

Everyone is different and every birth is different. My first was really easy for a first so everyone said oh second will be a breeze. It wasn't but nothing too awful but bad enough. It's the one week in labour people that are a bit annoying.

Have you considered OP that she listened to your terrible birth story, which you presumably shared with her in hopes of passing on the benefit of your experience, and then she sought to reassure you that thankfully her experience was not as bad as yours and that you would be pleased to hear it?
I totally understand why you feel the way you do, but I think you are being unfair to her.
She didn't have an easy birth to piss you off. And really, you wouldn't really wish a bad birth experience on someone just so you didn't have to hear about them having a better time of it than you did. I know you don't really feel that way. I think in future you should consider whether you want to tell people about what happened if hearing their story will make you feel bad.
You were trying to be a good friend by preparing her for it possibly being difficult.
I do understand, I had PND and a baby that wouldn't sleep. It was killing me. I remember someone telling me that her baby had to spend a couple of weeks in the SCBU and thinking to myself at least she got to have a sleep and recover from the birth before she had to look after a baby screaming all night long. I mean, now I see how awful that sounds. Of course she would have been worried sick about her child so I doubt she was at home relaxing and enjoying long lie ins.
I am sorry you had such a bad time and I hope you are able to access help to deal with it. I supported an employee with PTSD and it's really hard.
I wish you all the best for the future and I hope you can find some peace after your experiences. I think you know YABU.

I think we are bombarded with 'horror' birth stories in UK culture. It is good to hear of lovely births too.

I'd be pleased for her. Genuinely, I wouldn't want anyone to have the birth I did or the trouble feeding that my son did.

I was THAT mother: conceived 1st time of trying easy pregnancies with minimal weight gain with a bit of morning sickness and tiredness during 1st 3 months, 2 very quick deliveries 4 & 2 hours start to finish, back to pre pregnancy weight within a week, 2 babies who just fed and slept and went 12ish hours through the night at 10 and 7 weeks.
I learnt in real life it was better to keep my mouth shut because some of my fellow mums had hideous times.
Also NONE of this was due to me being wonderful and a better mother - it just happened with no input from me.

Here's one for the mums of pre-schoolers - not one person at school or beyond will ask for your birth experience, whether you BF or not, how long you were trying.. The world moves on and it doesn't matter in the long run to the child, bar any medical issues related to same (rare).

No, it just shifts to competitive progress conversations instead - "little Jonny is on stage blah reading books", "Amelie has been asked to join the choir..."