Anyone else who had a difficult labour find it hard to cope with “baby just fell out” friends?

[Pretendbookworm]

So I know I should be happy for her and I absolutely am. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through. I had a traumatic delivery, a hospital stay, PTSD and PND.

Now my friend had a baby about 2 weeks ago. She didn’t need any pain relief. Was home within 6 hours of giving birth. Sent me messages such as “thank you so much for preparing me so well by telling me what happened but like I’ve hardly had any bleeding, I’m really surprising myself, I feel awesome, breastfeeding is going so well.” And I just want to reply with GOOD FOR YOU!!!

To be honest I’m posting just to vent as I know I’ll go to see the new baby anyway, I know she’s done nothing wrong, but equally I just want to scream and pop a few congratulations balloons while I’m there. Anyone else get where I’m coming from?

So I suppose I'm saying that the 'baby just fell out' stories are still usually only half the story - I'm still cross they didn't believe I was in labour and made the situation more stressful and painful than it should have been. Though I'm thankful it was quick, there is such a thing as too quick.

I had a "sneeze birth" so I probably fall into the category of women so many others hate.

In reality I was treated like shit, unprepared for the speed, no pain relief only because there was no time but I was begging for it while the bitch midwife rolled her eyes at me and tried to send me home, overwhelmed with the pain and completely terrified. Home a few hours later only because there were no beds. Yes it was fast and without pain relief but it left me with ptsd! Op your friend sounds like a smug pita but please don't assume that fast = easy, it's invalidating and frustrating for those of us who already experienced being disbelieved and dismissed at the worst time.

You are being a bit unreasonable. Your friend is obviously over the moon that she didn't suffer during her Labour. Swings and roundabouts- she may find the new born stage very difficult or develop PND... who knows?
Personally, I heard way more competitive horror stories regarding labour than positive ones when I was pregnant. I could have done with hearing more of the positive ones to stop me feeling so terrified! Everyone one I spoke to and so many people on here describe their birth using the word 'traumatic' which is subjective. I'm not for one minute suggesting you didn't have a traumatic birth but I hear that word used so much when describing Labour that I wonder what it actually means.

I feel like that about my c-sections. I found both of mine (one planned, one crash emergency) very traumatic and painful and 3 years after my last one the only trousers I can wear are leggings or jogging bottoms as anything else makes my scar hurt. I read about people's wonderful calm, pain free c-sections, driving after 3 days and running after 3 weeks on mumsnet and wonder why I didn't get one of those.

Every birth is different, I had 2 planned c-sections, 1st was a walk in the park, 2nd although planned DS inhaled amniotic fluid, spent 2weeks in incubator / SCUB with collapsed lung and pneumonia, however it's never made a difference to him (think 16 yo, plays rugby and has discovered cross fit and lifting weights)

I quite like hearing the comparisons, makes you realise it’s ALL normal. I’d much rather be told about nice easy ones though than get told about horror stories. I’m aware it happens but I’d rather not worry about it.
Every pregnancy is different, every birth is different and every baby is different, even when they come from the same mother.
I’ve had one hard and one easy and I fully intend to ‘sneeze’ this one out, totally calmly, no pain relief needed, quickly with no help, no stitches etc be handed a calm placid baby that feeds like a dream.
Obviously this is the order I’ve put in, just got to hope it delivers 😂

Women cannot win. People love to tell a traumatic birth story and rarely the positive ones.
I had a very positive birth, good recovery and why shouldn’t I tell people about that?
And people who say “Your time will come” be itvfeeding, teething, colic etc. Why does everything have to be hard work? I have 2 children, at no point have I ever felt that it was horrendous. Not everything has to be so negative and we should be able to talk about that as much as we the bad experiences that it seems more acceptable to share.

Not that I want your friend to have a hard time, but when I was having a melt down in the weeks after the birth of my first child (breastfeeding going badly, hormones affecting me like crazy etc), my HV told me that it was always the ones who were merrily out doing their Tesco shopping 2 days after giving birth and telling her how fabulous being a new parent was, that she would keep an extra eye on. They are the ones that usually crash out quite badly down the line. Don't believe everything that they tell you when it sounds like it's all going so fabulously for them.

Don't you think it's great to hear positive birth stories, I believe a lot of labour is about mindset and confidence, our bodies are designed to Burt babies naturally and without intervention, every step of labour happens for a reason, triggering different hormones and responses within the body.

I had only one friend who had an amazing natural birth, she raves about what a positive experience it was and she filled me with confidence, my in laws however insisted on scaring the life out of me, telling me how awful it would be and so I kept away from them.

I think women should be sharing more positive stories to give us women the confidence to do what is natural.

We are lucky to have great medicine today to help with those minority births which put us and our children in danger.

I had a home birth with a couple of paracetamol for leg cramps. I think it's threads like this this that make me embarrassed about my own birth story. I laboured for 36 hours but was fortunate that Ds was well positioned and everything went smoothly. Needed some stitches and still not quite physically recovered but I hate to even mention my labour, even if asked. Such a shame that competitive birthing should make me feel ashamed of having an "easy birth"

Unless has form for being smug I think I'd let that text go. I don't read it as sarcastic more as information sharing, she is probably sleep deprived and on a hormonal high. Proud of herself (as every women however they gave birth deserves to be) And not thinking about how to sensitively word a text (which you can forgive her for seeing as she just gave birth!).

I think everyone should be allowed to talk about their birth/feeding experience (even if it went smoothly) as it helps to process it.

The judgy 'everyone should give birth naturally or you are not a real woman' brigade are a bit different. They tend to be the sort who corner expectant mums and give unwanted advice.

People don't talk about their traumatic births to compete. They do it out of a compulsion to talk about trauma. To help themselves

People don't talk about their easy births out of a desire to boast. They do it (I assume) because they feel a sense of pride and are on a bit of a high

This is what I'd like to believe

.... having said that, I think the traumatised ones deserve a bit more sensitivity. Having been traumatised and all that

beingsunny

I have to leave threads like this when I hear naivety like that

HV told me that it was always the ones who were merrily out doing their Tesco shopping 2 days after giving birth and telling her how fabulous being a new parent was, that she would keep an extra eye on. They are the ones that usually crash out quite badly down the line.

Of course HVs have a tendency to waffle copious amounts of shite

I am more at you “preparing her so well” with your personal horror story

Are only traumatic birth experiences to be talked about?

It can be a bit annoying OP. A friend of mine recently had an easy delivery of her first (which is great!). Another close (childless currently) friend on our WhatsApp group asked her if she was “glad she had chosen a natural birth?”. She then went on to ask me “what made me decide on a c-section?”.

Which was a bit galling as I’d laboured away to fully dilated without an epidural and then became septic with distressed baby. Meaning failed forceps, GA section, uterine tear, PPH and a short ITU stay followed by 10days on a post-natal ward from hell! Why would anyone choose that of it wasn’t needed?!

Yab a bit u to hate your friend - there will always be bad and good births and you shouldn’t begrudge her having a good one

But yanbu to feel the way you do - it was very unfair that you got dealt the shit hand and got the bad one.

It’s part of accepting how you feel to acknowledge you are going to hate peoplr who had it easy. It’s ok to smile and nod and then keep your distance for a bit.

Have you had treatment for your ptsd?

I totally get it OP.

It's like the people who have 'easy' babies who think it's because they're just the best parents. It's not. It's luck of the draw

Just smile and nod. It's your only option I'm afraid

I had a baby in a few hours with no help, no injuries and no pain relief.

It was still fucking horrific and no I don't have a loose fanny

Works both ways.

Let her have it, OP.

She might develop PND, she might have a child that doesn’t sleep through for the first 8 years. She might have a useless husband, she might have no social support.

Most people are fighting a battle we know nothing about.

My best friend fell pregnant straight away had a brilliant pregnancy easy birth and breastfed with not one problem for 14 months, she was smug so so smug said things like I couldn't be bothered with faffing with bottles and oh no I wouldn't want a c section id rather do it naturally much easier few pushes and your done.

Now she is trying for baby #2 she has developed cists on her overies and is having irregular preriod, over 12 months trying and nothings happening I think she's regretting all her just let it happen natural is best talk since she's realised that sometimes it doesn't just 'work'.

It's horrible for her but it really has opened her eyes to how hurtful her comments where.

Is there really such a thing as an easy birth?

I've had three now with no pain relief and I can tell you each one was horrifically painful. I chose not to have an epidural etc, not because it was was easy or because i'm a show off or a martyr, but because I just wanted it over with and didn't want to risk slowing things down and the almost inevitable interventions that may then occur. I am beyond terrified of forceps. I preferred to take the pain, even though it was so bad I could have quite cheerfully taken a bullet to the temple at points.

I'm 6 months gone with baby no. 4 and not looking forward to giving birth at all!