Anyone else who had a difficult labour find it hard to cope with “baby just fell out” friends?

[Pretendbookworm]

So I know I should be happy for her and I absolutely am. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through. I had a traumatic delivery, a hospital stay, PTSD and PND.

Now my friend had a baby about 2 weeks ago. She didn’t need any pain relief. Was home within 6 hours of giving birth. Sent me messages such as “thank you so much for preparing me so well by telling me what happened but like I’ve hardly had any bleeding, I’m really surprising myself, I feel awesome, breastfeeding is going so well.” And I just want to reply with GOOD FOR YOU!!!

To be honest I’m posting just to vent as I know I’ll go to see the new baby anyway, I know she’s done nothing wrong, but equally I just want to scream and pop a few congratulations balloons while I’m there. Anyone else get where I’m coming from?

YANBU 100%

Although it's wonderful to hear some women had no pain during childbirth, I still want to knock them out. smug twats

But yeah, seriously, some women who had 'natural' births with no pain relief, are sometimes very obnoxious and annoying, like they are somehow better than women who necked 3 tanks of gas and air.

And don't even get me STARTED on the women who say your birth experience was less valid if you had a C-section.

I think you are possibly expecting others to understand and respect your feelings without reciprocating
I had three quick births and I speak casually about that but it was frightening, I had an episiotomy and a bad tear and I had no pain relief because it was all so fast

I don’t like to bang on about that because I have sisters who had long deliveries including forceps etc

She may be telling her own tale lightly because she refers to yours

No one really gives birth easily I think. We put our own choice into how we tell the tale.

OP you sound very angry and quite nasty tbh. Did you have a Labour debrief? Maybe taking over your experiences would help you come to terms with them?

Yes I did all the active birth stuff but ended up with monitors and drips so that all went to shit.

I had one of each, DS was long induction, stuck, assisted delivery, episiotomy, more stitches than I want to think of followed by PND. DD was 3 minutes of active labour, minimal pain relief and a couple of stitches! After DS I would be cursing anyone who had an easy labour lol bit after an easy labour second time around I would be cheering for them! All depends on your own experiences I suppose.

Hope you are doing better now OP

I had an awful pregnancy (may have life long impacts, still have pelvic pain many months later) but a brilliant birth and an easy healthy sleeping baby.

A friend had an easy pregnancy, a muddling birth and a not so sleeping baby with some health problems.

Or one with an East pregnancy and birth but a very colicky baby who just didn't sleep.

Birth is just one stage. Overall, I think it often balances out.

No. I find it hard dealing with people who've had a shit time and make you feel like you've had less of an experience and are less worthy because you didn't have 267 stitches.

I had a C section so imagine the comments I get. "Too posh to push. Don't know you're born. How do you feel bonded with the baby after an operation instead of a birth? I did it the old fashioned way."

Etc etc

It sounds to me like you told her of your experience in a "what to expect" sort of way, so she's just responding by saying that that wasn't her experience.

Also, just because she had a complication-free delivery, does not mean that the baby "just fell out". All it means is that it was complication-free and she's pleasantly surprised about it.

Op you sound angry and nasty.

Totally uncalled for @calvin.

Ellen I don’t think anyone would count a sudden and alone labour as an easy sneezed out one. Quick isn’t the only definition of an easy labour and I don’t think speed has been mentioned at all. I’m sorry you had that experience though.

It’s been a while now since I had a baby and I remember how very sensitive I was to absolutely everything before and after (for ages after) (I have war stories too).

Time lends distance to those sensitivities though and no you never completely forget.

But it really doesn’t matter in the end.

I had a C section so imagine the comments I get. "Too posh to push. Don't know you're born. How do you feel bonded with the baby after an operation instead of a birth? I did it the old fashioned way."

I've had two planned sections and never had this sort of comment. So sorry you have had to listen to that crap.

No. How can we compare ourselves to others like this, maybe something nasty will happen to her that you dealt with better? How can we compare, we can't. I had to have section second time round, people who have good births are lucky few.
It's sweet of her to thank you.

OP, those who’s babies fell out may have shit sleepers and be envious of those who sleep through the night.

Mothers who struggle to lose weight will be jealous of those who slip back into their pre-pregnancy jeans.

Those who’s babies are well and born with no problems will be bitterly envious of those babies who went home well and healthy when they should.

Believe me, it isn’t just about traumatic births. A lot of women are quiet about the shit they go through. That’s not poopooing what you struggled with at all.

I had two babies that fell out but fuck me wasthe bit that followed awful. Many hospital trips and still now years on.
I still envy those who had well children.

Gave birth to an amazing baby with just a whiff of gas and air. That's what I call a woman!
Wow. I hope you gave some of it back at some point. Or your DH did. What a twat.

Aw, I completely get this.

A woman in my baby group spent a lot of time telling us she thought her daughter would grown up 'empowered' by the knowledge that she'd been born at home, with no meds, in a birth pool. It was very grating when I'd had a c-section.

And I never got the chance to ask her about her second DD (delivered in the emergency room by c-section after arriving in an ambulance). Wonder if the second DD is growing up less empowered?

Yes I did all the active birth stuff but ended up with monitors and drips so that all went to shit.

Yep, same here. I would never have thought I’d have an epidural, but after 5 hours of syntocin-induced labour, just gas and air (doing pelvic circles on a yoga ball with some hippy yoga breathing 🙄), back-to-back presentation, SPD, a significantly overdue enormobaby and verrrry slow progression, staying mobile was less important than lasting the course. Best laid plans & all that.

I had 2 very different, both were induced but I was in labour 9 hours with the first one, had pain relief but had a few probs pushing him out. My little one I was only in labour for 2hours, no pain relief. When people hear that they usually say I’m so lucky it wasn’t long. Yes I am grateful, it wasn’t that long but I still had other issues. One being I had to have stitches after both, and in my opinion going to the wee with stitches is almost as horrific as the birth itself. Every pregnancy is different and that’s something that gets forgotten.

I just don't tend to share my birthing story unless it's asked for

I don't really see where you're coming from, to be honest. My own experience of giving birth was not what I expected or anticipated - induced 4 weeks early, baby taken immediately to SCBU, incubator, tube-fed etc. I've never felt at all put out by another woman's birth experience. All are different, and we should all be able to talk about our own experiences if we so choose.

As a pp has already mentioned - you talked to your friend about your experience and now she's talking to you about hers.

The reality can be very different from the dream though.

Dh has a relative for whom the midwife unit were absolutely on their knees in wonder at how they managed labour. Anyone else would have ended up with a c/s but because of the wonderful way they managed it... etc. The midwives were begging them to come back soon and let them be the one to deal with any subsequent babies.

I was talking to a friend who works at that hospital, and she was telling (no names) about the dreadful on call she'd had a few weeks previously, not helped by a couple who was driving everybody crazy with unreasonable demands.

Later I joined up the dots and realised who the dreadful couple was.
I sit and smirk to myself when I hear them telling people about the wonderful way they behaved and how amazing the whole hospital thought they were.

I can understand your feelings OP, but I think women are damned if they do and damned if they don't with regards to having a positive labour experience.

I had a long (48 hrs) labour and a pph but overall had a really positive experience of giving birth. I actually found the process rather wonderful and at risk of sounding like a complete cliché, did find it empowering that my body, which hasn't always worked as well as I would like it to do, was able to do this amazing thing and deliver my precious baby without any assistance and without needing pain relief.

Unfortunately, the other women in my baby group and indeed most of my friends who have had children had quite negative experiences. I would have liked to have been able to celebrate how I found child birth to be a wonderful thing but felt that I have to bite my tongue and not say anything when my friends are talking about their difficulties for fear of coming across as boasting and smug. A part of me is sad that I don't get to share the bonding experience even though I wouldn't trade my time for theirs.

I hope you can allow your friend a little time and space to share her experience (provided she is equally sensitive to your needs and feelings).

I agree with johnny. It can be a bit isolating as a new mum if you didn't have a hard time. It's either stay quiet when others are sharing their experience, or be accused of being smug/ boasting. It also really annoyed me when people then try and find something else that they clearly hope will go badly for you.

I didn't expect others to keep quiet about their partners, or holidays, or nice shit when I was skint and on my own, but you can guarantee if I'd mentioned my easy birth, good sleeper etc I would have been the smug bitch from hell.

And this is why I don't talk about my birth experience. When the subject comes up, I sit and listen supportively to my friends who had horrendous birth experiences and keep my mouth shut.

It's shit for me, I mean in a selfish way. I'd like to talk about my birth experience too, but I don't want anyone to take my experience as some sort of personal attack rather than what it is, which is simply one person describing her experience.

I was lucky. That doesn't mean my experience is invalid.

I’m with newyearnewyew
And I think this thread is emblematic of the fact fact that a) women can’t win and b) it’s often women shit-piling