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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else who had a difficult labour find it hard to cope with “baby just fell out” friends?

125 replies

Pretendbookworm · 29/12/2017 22:25

So I know I should be happy for her and I absolutely am. I would never want anyone to go through what I went through. I had a traumatic delivery, a hospital stay, PTSD and PND.

Now my friend had a baby about 2 weeks ago. She didn’t need any pain relief. Was home within 6 hours of giving birth. Sent me messages such as “thank you so much for preparing me so well by telling me what happened but like I’ve hardly had any bleeding, I’m really surprising myself, I feel awesome, breastfeeding is going so well.” And I just want to reply with GOOD FOR YOU!!!

To be honest I’m posting just to vent as I know I’ll go to see the new baby anyway, I know she’s done nothing wrong, but equally I just want to scream and pop a few congratulations balloons while I’m there. Anyone else get where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
haveacupofteaandamincepie · 29/12/2017 23:33

Eh, we all have our opinions. I think giving intentionally giving birth without pain relief is quite stupid although I'm sure plenty would disagree with me.

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 29/12/2017 23:34

Having said that my friend gave birth in the hospital car park so it literally did fall out and I've never considered not being her friend Confused

OwlinaTree · 29/12/2017 23:35

I was lucky. That doesn't mean my experience is invalid.

This is very true too. It doesn't sound like you or the ops friend are putting anyone else down, unlike some of the comments some of the women on here have had to listen to.

Newyearnewyew · 29/12/2017 23:38

Op my first labour was
defined by medical staff as amazing first time birth short labour, no stitches and I was told I was lucky. But I was emotionally and mentally traumatised. I had a section second time round. The birth trauma association stresses It's for no one but the person who has done it to judge how bad or awful it was because as I said earlier we cannot compare.

Newyearnewyew · 29/12/2017 23:40

Lastly with the awful state of our maternity services, where I know of women who have laboured in brutal conditions, and lost a child... I would be glad she had what she considered a good and safe birth. And our maternity services were horrendous under labour when I had my dc before my comment is seized on!!

Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2017 23:46

That’s awful Newyearnewyew.

I was treated really badly when I had my first child . It was so fast that when I arrived at hospital the staff assumed I was pathetic and making a fuss . I wasn’t examined until my DH insisted and after being lectured about making a fuss when I had hours to go.
I was sent to the loo when I must have been fully dilated - they were so rude and I was so frightened. I figured if this was the beginning I’d never make another 10 hours plus when the truth was I was thrown straight into the last stages of labour with no time to figure how to cope
Terrifying and then told endlessly how lucky I was

Jassmells · 29/12/2017 23:47

Don't worry OP her time will come. Be it teething, colic, potty training or even the next birth, she'll suffer somewhere along the line!

Although as an aside I always think when people tell me how easily it fell out "hmmm what does that say about your loose fanny" 😂

Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2017 23:50

Loose fanny?

There you go op
There’s the barrel we are scraping

Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2017 23:51

There’s probably a line about preferring to have a loose fanny than be a massive cunt

Orangesandlemons1 · 29/12/2017 23:52

Loose fanny jasmells. This is as bad as my friend who claims people only run into problems in labour because they are unfit.
A myth and a dangerous one at that. Grow up.

Jassmells · 29/12/2017 23:54

It was a joke, clearly not to everyone's taste but just trying to show some empathy to the OP than regale my own horror stories in competition.

mistermagpie · 29/12/2017 23:55

I had two 'baby just fell out' labours. The first was so unexpected that I was actually quite traumatised (I was expecting it with the second!). I had no pain relief because I was 10cm dilated when I got to hospital and it was too late. Start to finish was an hour, I was terrified and it was very much not what I was anticipating for my first labour.

When I got to the ward, every single midwife I saw congratulated me on not using pain relief. I felt like such a fraud because my labour was short but it was agony and I would have taken anything if they had let me. I was also really conscious of the other women in the ward who could hear this stuff and might have been made to feel bad by it.

The truth is, no two labours are ever the same. Good labours certainly do happen (my second was lovely) but it's pure luck and nothing else.

Original poster
Pretendbookworm · 29/12/2017 23:56

Personally I think a lot of people haven’t read my opening post.

It’s not the fact she had a better time. It’s the fact that I am getting a text message a day with her saying she can’t believe how amazing she feels, she’s back at the gym already, been out for the day shopping already, feels really well, only a period-like bleed, sent her husband out to the pub as she’s managing fine... Confused

It’s the barrage of messages. I’m not being cruel to anyone I’m struggling with my own feelings of regret so I don’t appreciate people saying I’m nasty.

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 29/12/2017 23:57

But people haven’t been regaling the op with ‘their own horror stories’ so just being fucking vile was neither empathetic nor funny

Jassmells · 29/12/2017 23:57

If she's texting you that much I'd guess things aren't that great and she's trying to convince herself?

Caprinihahahaha · 30/12/2017 00:00

Why do you think she’d messsging you op?

Either she’s grateful for your support and keen to share how great her birth has been in the belief that you would be pleased. Or she’s indifferent to you and indifferent to your feelings
If she’d in the first group then you have done a good thing. If the second then she’s not your friend so [meh]

Orangesandlemons1 · 30/12/2017 00:01

Jasmell It’s these Jokes and remarks that are dangerous however.
I was reasonably fit but not very fit. If I had been very fit, according to my friend I would have walked labour/recovery.
Like a Pp who had a bad Tear, physio and her friend only needed a puff of gas and air so she is a ‘real woman’.
The women who have c sections who ‘don’t deliver properly’.
The women who delivery vaginally and differ remarks about their ‘loose fanny’.
If you are low about something anyway, as many women are after birth, these comments can make you feel awful.
I sympathise with the op as if I’d been lucky enough to have an easy time (I wasn’t) I would have had sympathy with a friend who had recently had a bad time and not made a point of saying how easy it was.

theymademejoin · 30/12/2017 00:14

@RemainOptimistic - I was lucky. That doesn't mean my experience is invalid.

I agree with this completely. Wanting to share your birth experience is not smug but unfortunately, many people who have harder births seem to assume that anyone talking about a birth experience that was comparatively easy is trying to get at them and considers them less of a woman.

popcorntime1 · 30/12/2017 00:19

I agree with the posters that some find things bf, sleeping, etc easier & others are then hard, comparing won’t help. Plus 1 woman’s good experience is another woman’s bad experience.

I fell pregnant twice my first day of trying whereas a friend struggled for months. However both my pregnancies involved hospital stays, my last one I had pneumonia & was pumped full of antibiotics (that were potentially harmful) & I was given steroids in case the baby had to come out (32 weeks). Her pregnancies were a doddle.

I was induced with my 1st and after the pessary things kicked off. Active labour was 1.5 hours & only a couple of stitches. However I had no time for pain relief as they didn’t realise the baby was coming & she was back to back. The pain was indescribable & I begged for an epidural. But I felt “luckier” than another friend who was sent home at 35 weeks & proceeded to give birth on the bathroom floor.

My 2nd was transverse & refused to budge during induction, so semi elective c section. I thought I was taking the easy option. F me, the initial pain was so much worse than I expected.

theymademejoin · 30/12/2017 00:22

Op - you didn't mention a barrage of messages in your post. The messages you quoted seem to be about different things (bf, managing well etc). Maybe she feels that as you shared your stories with her, that you would like to hear her stories too.

theymademejoin · 30/12/2017 00:27

@haveacupofteaandamincepie - I think giving intentionally giving birth without pain relief is quite stupid

All drugs have side effects. I think taking drugs unnecessarily and without fully understanding the potential side-effects is ill-advised, at least. However, I would never presume to suggest someone who does so is stupid.

eeanne · 30/12/2017 00:31

Either communicate less with her or find a way to cope with it.

I’ve had 2 c sections and even though they were very straightforward, I never had the easier recovery of someone with a normal vaginal birth. I had DC2 4 weeks ago and I’m still not cleared to exercise or even lift my toddler. So I will never win any postpartum “back to normal already” competition.

LittleLionMansMummy · 30/12/2017 00:32

I was treated really badly when I had my first child . It was so fast that when I arrived at hospital the staff assumed I was pathetic and making a fuss . I wasn’t examined until my DH insisted and after being lectured about making a fuss when I had hours to go.
I was sent to the loo when I must have been fully dilated

Scary how often this must happen. It happened with both of mine. With the first they had me marching up and down stairs and corridors to 'establish labour' when I was in fact 7cm and pleading with them for gas and air. My dh told them to examine me before they'd give me any. With my second there was no time for any pain relief and again dh had to strong arm them into admitting me into the delivery suite. The examination was excruciating because I was fully dilated and just wanted to be up on all fours pushing. This was after they'd kept me hanging around in reception for 20 minutes to 'triage' me and 'ensure I was actually in labour. Dd was very nearly born in a hospital corridor. Fuckers.

Tippz · 30/12/2017 00:39

@jassmells
Although as an aside I always think when people tell me how easily it fell out "hmmm what does that say about your loose fanny

Hmm Pretty foul comment.

@Jassmells

I was only joking.

But it's OK coz you were ONLY JOKING. Hmm

Nasty cutting derogatory comments are fine, as long as they are followed with the customary 'it was obviously a joke' bollocks. Angry

Tippz · 30/12/2017 00:40

@jassmells
Although as an aside I always think when people tell me how easily it fell out "hmmm what does that say about your loose fanny

Hmm Pretty foul comment.

@Jassmells

I was only joking.

But it's OK coz you were ONLY JOKING. Hmm

Nasty cutting derogatory comments are fine, as long as they are followed with the customary 'it was obviously a joke' bollocks. Angry