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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Child maintenance is not for bills"

110 replies

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 08:51

Ex and I have been split for 18 months, due to his lazy attitude, crappy money managment and generally making me utterly miserable!

He has been "self employed" for most of this time and has therefore dodged paying very much maintenance as he downplayed his earnings to the CSA despite it being obvious he was being paid much more. He has just got a "proper" job and now has to pay £250 a month (hardly a huge amount for two DCs) which he doesn't seem happy about.

It came up yesterday when he dropped DCs off that he would like to do direct pay, I said I'd rather keep it with CSA for now to ensure I get it as I've been struggling paying the bills up until now (I'm on maternity leave), he then kicks off and says "his" maintenance is not meant to pay my bills but for the children.

What exactly does he think the children cost if not largely in bills? The maintenance will go in our "family" pot as it were and contribute towards electric, gas, rent, days out, clothes etc. I am not going to put this money to one side just to pay for things for the children directly (e.g. food, clothes etc.)

I know he can't tell me what money is paid on but it did make me think maybe I should be putting some aside for them?!

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 29/12/2017 08:53

Keeping a roof over there heads does benefit them

GertrudeCB · 29/12/2017 08:53

Your DC need a roof above their heads, of course maintenance should go towards their living costs, including running the house they live in !

Battleax · 29/12/2017 08:54

He's an idiot. Tune him out.

Mrsknackered · 29/12/2017 08:56

Putting it aside ain't gonna be that useful when they're hypothermic and on the streets. He's a bellend

liminality · 29/12/2017 08:56

Nope, you don't have to put anything aside for them from his payments, unless you can afford it and want to. He can make bloody savings accounts if he is that way inclined! Keep it going through CSA and pay your bills just like you are. HIBVU.

Sounds like he's the type to try and scam you with changing the amount if you move to a direct pay system too. Do not negotiate, stick to the most formal legal method.

LakieLady · 29/12/2017 08:57

He's talking rubbish. Don't let him guilt trip you.

You'll be paying more in rent, energy costs, water and council tax than if you lived alone. Your food bills will be a lot more. And that's before you factor in extra fares, their clothes, outings, hobbies etc.

Maintenance is for whatever they need, including a warm home and a safe environment to grow up in. And given his track record, you'd be mad to agree to direct payments!

onalongsabbatical · 29/12/2017 08:57

As long as you're taking good care of the children it's none of his business, and yes, it's not 'his' maintenance, it's yours. Don't change the payment arrangement to suit him, would be my advice, he's looking at ways to wriggle out of it. The less information you give him, the less info he has to argue with you.

Original poster
underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 08:57

Well this is my thoughts as if I didn't have the children we wouldn't have rented this house, or pay half as much electric or water so as far as I see it the "bills" are also paying for the DC and if maintenance all goes into the same account then I have the extra to pay for days out, new clothes and food rather than scraping by as we have been.

OP posts:
LostSight · 29/12/2017 08:58

Course it’s meant to pay the bills. If you didn’t have them, you’d have the opportunity to downsize.

If you can put money aside for your children, then do it. But the maintenance money he gives you goes into your family income and you use it as you see fit. If he wants money putting aside, he can do that himself in addition to paying you.

Battleax · 29/12/2017 08:59

Arseholes pull this shit when they lose their control.

They're all working from the exact same script. Honestly.

Firesuit · 29/12/2017 08:59

For a start, work out what five days a week childcare would cost him, so he can work, and deduct half of that from what he's paying.

Everytimeref · 29/12/2017 09:01

Technically he is correct. The child maintenance site states that child maintenance is for " additional cost" incurred by the main care giver not every day bills as it's assumed both care giver incur the same living costs.

HighwayDragon1 · 29/12/2017 09:03

"oh, sure thing XP, you're absolutely right, the DCs don't need to be warm, or fed, silly me" Hmm

I've had this conversation before, this works well, especially when dripping with sarcasm...

Battleax · 29/12/2017 09:03

Technically he is correct. The child maintenance site states that child maintenance is for " additional cost" incurred by the main care giver not every day bills as it's assumed both care giver incur the same living costs.

Doh.

The "addditional costs" INCLUDE the extra bills entailed in non-equal residency.

weekfour · 29/12/2017 09:03

I'd say maintenance is to 'maintain' them. So a good place to start would be keeping them warm. What a prat he is.

Firesuit · 29/12/2017 09:05

I doubt children do add much to utilities, but the cost of extra rooms is significant, as is the cost of childcare. Also, there are direct costs: we spend £200 for one primary-age child, e.g. on after-school clubs, breakfast club, swimming lessons, ballet, holiday clubs etc. That £200 doesn't even include clothes. I'd think that on average £125 per month per child is going to be less than half the average monthly costs between birth and 18.

ClaryFray · 29/12/2017 09:05

Cruelly how you spend it is laggy up to you. If you marry a millionaire and his maintenance becomes your spending money they're is nothing he can do about it. He Is legally required to pay it.

My ex was like this. He insisted on buying thins for the baby. Stair gate, milk and nappies and keeping the receipts when child maintenance was being worked out. Now he has to pay it and he's got the hump.

Cupoteap · 29/12/2017 09:06

The CSa will tell you the same- it's not income was the response I received from them when I complained about late payment affecting paying my rent!

Els1e · 29/12/2017 09:06

What an idiot. You are right to say you want to continue with getting the money via CSA.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/12/2017 09:07

He's a twat. Tell him you need the maitenance for nails, vodka, and spray tansGrin

Everytimeref · 29/12/2017 09:14

The CM site doesn't mention "bills or rent" as additional costs when referring what maintenance should cover.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 09:16

Technically he is correct. The child maintenance site states that child maintenance is for " additional cost" incurred by the main care giver not every day bills as it's assumed both care giver incur the same living costs

Did you just arrive in grown up land from toy town or something?

Or have you not noticed that kids need food heat light space clothing as well as other things.

Battleax · 29/12/2017 09:17

Did you just arrive in grown up land from toy town or something?

😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2017 09:17

NotSuchA
Falsies of shellac?Grin

Idiot.

Battleax · 29/12/2017 09:18

The CM site doesn't mention "bills or rent" as additional costs when referring what maintenance should cover.

I think they're hoping that adults in charge of children will be able to figure out for themselves what children need 🙄

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