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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Child maintenance is not for bills"

110 replies

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 08:51

Ex and I have been split for 18 months, due to his lazy attitude, crappy money managment and generally making me utterly miserable!

He has been "self employed" for most of this time and has therefore dodged paying very much maintenance as he downplayed his earnings to the CSA despite it being obvious he was being paid much more. He has just got a "proper" job and now has to pay £250 a month (hardly a huge amount for two DCs) which he doesn't seem happy about.

It came up yesterday when he dropped DCs off that he would like to do direct pay, I said I'd rather keep it with CSA for now to ensure I get it as I've been struggling paying the bills up until now (I'm on maternity leave), he then kicks off and says "his" maintenance is not meant to pay my bills but for the children.

What exactly does he think the children cost if not largely in bills? The maintenance will go in our "family" pot as it were and contribute towards electric, gas, rent, days out, clothes etc. I am not going to put this money to one side just to pay for things for the children directly (e.g. food, clothes etc.)

I know he can't tell me what money is paid on but it did make me think maybe I should be putting some aside for them?!

OP posts:
IrisAtwood · 29/12/2017 09:48

Looks to me like a dogwhistle (woman asking about CM) has summoned some of the MRA. Only suitable response now is an eyeroll.

TheHungryDonkey · 29/12/2017 09:49

You could always try putting them in a room on their own and just giving them cash for school clothes, trips and extra activities. Or people and exes could stop being a dick about it and accept that the money goes in one account for the even distribution of the costs having a child incurs.

My ex doesn’t give me a penny because he has her two days a week and says that’s his bit done.

Original poster
underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 09:49

Yellow the child maintenance is adjusted by how many overnights the non-resident parent has the children to allow for this. Unless you shared custody I can't see how anyone would assume a family of 3 would share the same living costs as a single man.

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 29/12/2017 09:49

Of course utilities go up once you have kids! Pre kids I never paid as much as I do now for leccy and water! For a start it’s an extra bath or shower every night and there’s an extra bedroom to run! Not forgetting kids love to leave dripping taps and lights on every room! Also I wouldn’t live in a house this size if it wasn’t for them! Ignore your ex he sounds like a twat.

Original poster
underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 09:50

In my case (I know not all are the same), the DCs don't have any overnights and he sees them one afternoon in the week and on a saturday, in that time he cannot possibly incur the same day to day bills that I do.

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 29/12/2017 09:50

Definitely stick to the arrangement. My ex persuaded me to go on the family based arrangement (he doesn't see our daughter, his choice) and up he left me months with no money for her. He never saw child support as a priority bill, thankfully the CMS do. Now he has DOE order. Grin

Child maintenance is anything that benefits the child IMO. So yep keeping a roof over their heads would come under that as well as many other things.

Unfortunately seems like an overwhelming amount of men begrudge supporting their child.

HolgerDanske · 29/12/2017 09:54

When he has his children living with him he will be entitled to dictate how ‘his’ money is best spent caring for them and ensuring their warmth, security, health and wellbeing. Until then he has absolutely no say and you are free to use it in whatever way is necessary to keep them well and warm and happy.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/12/2017 09:56

Yellow

I disagree with you. The PWC has the worry of ensuring her children have a roof over their head and that they are kept warm. She could quite easily keep herself warm without heating a home, but this isn't possible when you have young children. They need adequate heating!
Also, a single adult could easily lodge with family/friends in order to save money on accomodation.
Not possible when you have children.

Cantuccit · 29/12/2017 09:56

My ex doesn’t give me a penny because he has her two days a week and says that’s his bit done.

TheHungryDonkey - could you not go via CMA?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 09:58

yellow did your username used to be happymummyofone or something like that?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 09:59

yellow did your username used to be happymummyofone or something like that?

StepCatsmother · 29/12/2017 10:01

But Mummy2017 your figures ignore the resident parent's contribution.

If we accept that each parent should be responsible for 50% of the costs of raising the children and NRP is paying £3k then the RP's contribution should bring this to £6k.

Then add on whatever the NRP spends on the kids during the time s/he has them & the share of his/her bills that go to looking after the kids during their time - the figures start to look healthier then.

I'm not saying all NRP contribute enough but it seems to frequently be forgotten on here that the NRP money isn't meant to represent the whole cost of raising children.

DiscoDiva70 · 29/12/2017 10:02

One more thing I've experienced is that it often happens that these men (who already begrudge contributing towards their children) become much worse with regards to financially helping to support their children when they start to live with other women.

Firesuit · 29/12/2017 10:03

the child maintenance is adjusted by how many overnights the non-resident parent has the children to allow for this

But, if the child has full accommodation in both homes, then the rent/mortgage doesn't change according to whether you have your child one night or seven. You're mixing two issues, what the rules decree and what is fair.

Your question was about what is fair, in that context the actual costs matter and the rules aren't relevant. However you need to stick with the rules, they exist so people don't have to have unwinnable arguments about what is fair.

DownstairsMixUp · 29/12/2017 10:03

Bet anything yellow is a man pissed off paying maintenance for his kids. I know a man who had a child and now thinks he shouldn’t pay as the Mum smokes weed and his daughter has a step dad. This so called man also has a girlfriend! Mind boggles who these women are that get with blokes like this (she’s fully aware) if they can’t be arsed to look after and love their children I wouldn’t expect much from them Confused

CurlyRover · 29/12/2017 10:04

Maintenance is certainly supposed to contribute to bills! I can be damn sure DSD costs her mum more in washing, heating, rent for the extra bedroom etc.

What on earth else does he think it should go on?

I think you're right to keep it through CSA until he's got a proven track record of paying properly.

Allthetuppences · 29/12/2017 10:05

My ex is actually PROUD of usually paying the legal bare minimum and not giving anything additional. He thinks he is this amazing responsible and supportive father going above and beyond. In fact he once implied I could get his daughters' birthday gifts FROM HIM with cm. I did not.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 10:05

And fwiw the payments are adjusted to take into account how often the paying parent has the child/ren

Firesuit · 29/12/2017 10:05

I think the reason splitting costs according to number of nights makes sense is not so housing costs can be apportioned, but so that childcare costs can be.

Allthetuppences · 29/12/2017 10:05

*not giving anything additional to the children as he doesn't want to spoli them Confused

swingofthings · 29/12/2017 10:10

*Your bills, food, electric, gas, water, clothing, transportation, etc etc etc WILL be more because you are looking after the children.

Of course that's what the maintence is for!*

Totally agree, but on a 50% basis. I think some rps assume that the entire additional cost of bills that can be associated to the children should be paid entirely by the nrp.

ps: I am an rp (who has never received maintenance but for first year out of 15!)

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/12/2017 10:10

The problem is that NRP can (and, in my experience, will) just randomly stop paying at any time, vanish, etc etc, so you can NEVER rely on CM to pay the rent or bills. You HAVE to be able to cover them yourself from income, which means that CM is money on top. I assume this is how NRP see things, and then extrapolate that CM is being used to pay for 'treats for mum' rather than used as a household pot.

That way they can reason that you are able to cover all the bills comfortably whenever they stop paying. I think it's a defence mechanism.

AppleKatie · 29/12/2017 10:11

Do not feel guilty! Especially not for feeding, clothing and keeping warm shelter over your kids heads!

You are demanding the MINIMIUM that you are entitled to nothing else!

TheHungryDonkey · 29/12/2017 10:13

Cantuccit, he’s one of those dangerously unhinged exs. I don’t want him to come around and kill us which he has threatened to do before. We just try to manage.

BanginChoons · 29/12/2017 10:17

Maintenance is his contribution towards raising the children. He doesn't get to dictate how you spend it. Oh, and keep it with the CSA.