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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Child maintenance is not for bills"

110 replies

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 08:51

Ex and I have been split for 18 months, due to his lazy attitude, crappy money managment and generally making me utterly miserable!

He has been "self employed" for most of this time and has therefore dodged paying very much maintenance as he downplayed his earnings to the CSA despite it being obvious he was being paid much more. He has just got a "proper" job and now has to pay £250 a month (hardly a huge amount for two DCs) which he doesn't seem happy about.

It came up yesterday when he dropped DCs off that he would like to do direct pay, I said I'd rather keep it with CSA for now to ensure I get it as I've been struggling paying the bills up until now (I'm on maternity leave), he then kicks off and says "his" maintenance is not meant to pay my bills but for the children.

What exactly does he think the children cost if not largely in bills? The maintenance will go in our "family" pot as it were and contribute towards electric, gas, rent, days out, clothes etc. I am not going to put this money to one side just to pay for things for the children directly (e.g. food, clothes etc.)

I know he can't tell me what money is paid on but it did make me think maybe I should be putting some aside for them?!

OP posts:

pameladoove · 29/12/2017 09:19

Such a common misconception - many NRPs seem to think it should go entirely on clothes and treats for the kids.

Don't get me started on those who want to see receipts.

Original poster

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 09:19

I do see the bills and rent as "additional costs" though, because if there were no children involved and we had split, I'd probably move in with friends or flat share I wouldn't live in this house. More water (baths, washing up, having kettle going for babies milk), electrics on more especially through the winter, I wouldn't have the heating so much if I was alone etc.

He thinks the maintenance should solely be going on their food, clothes and hobbies.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 09:19

Yes it does

Battleax · 29/12/2017 09:20

I do see the bills and rent as "additional costs" though, because if there were no children involved and we had split, I'd probably move in with friends or flat share I wouldn't live in this house

Exactly.

You're right. He's wrong. Don't waste any more thought on it.

LizzieSiddal · 29/12/2017 09:22

Your bills, food, electric, gas, water, clothing, transportation, etc etc etc WILL be more because you are looking after the children.

Of course that's what the maintence is for!

snowsnowsnowsnow · 29/12/2017 09:22

OP - maintenance is for anything that helps your children and your family unit and how you spend it is up to you. I too have had this with my ex who interestingly enough is also a total twat.

Carry on receiving it through the CSA - unless you have a Financial agreement in a divorce which stipulates how much you should receive per month (as CSA retain a percentage I think?).

You also do NOT have to justify or say a word to him about a breakdown of spending.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/12/2017 09:24

I think they're hoping that adults in charge of children will be able to figure out for themselves what children need

Given they really only exist as a method to extract CM from deadbeat parents who think they are entitled to not financially support their own kids it’s fairly ambitious for them to think that agreement could be reached about that!

diddl · 29/12/2017 09:25

Don't explain anything in future!

Just tell him that you want to keep the arrangement that you now have.

AppleKatie · 29/12/2017 09:26

‘I will be continuing with the CSA route because i don’t trust you to pay direct. You have no right to know, influence or comment upon my finances. I will not discuss this further with you’

nornironlady · 29/12/2017 09:27

As an XCMS employee I found this to be the attitude of a lot of paying parents, might I add I've never heard female paying parents say anything similar. Time and time again I would have to explain that paying bills keeps a roof over the children's head. The point of maintenance was always food, warmth shelter, although not in any particular order. I would come back with, well sir were you still living in the household you would be paying much more than 12%, 15% or 25%(depending on assessment) towards the family home and now you have the majority of your income just for you. This was often met with total silence...........

Battleax · 29/12/2017 09:30

I meant the PWCs Need

I think we can take it as read that a deadbeat NRP is fairly useless, I agree.

nornironlady · 29/12/2017 09:30

snowsnowsnowsnow - for info 20% is paid by the paying parent while the receiving parent has a 4% reduction. Direct pay would always be encouraged but in many situations it just doesn't work. I hated that aspect of the job, most customers used CMS because they couldn't get their ex to pay not because they actually wanted to!

DiscoDiva70 · 29/12/2017 09:31

He sounds like another typical dead beat dad who wants to wriggle out of his responsibilites. My dc have one of those.

The thing that really annoys me with men like this is that they argue about having to pay the bare 'legal minimum' towards the upkeep of THEIR children. As others have said OP, don't make the arrangement less formal to suit him as he'll piss you about.
One more thing, if he gives up his job to work 'self employed' then you can appeal any calculations, and then on to Tribunals. The Tribunal Court often make adverse inferences against the NRP (non resident parent) if you can convince the Court he is earning more thsn he declares.

GeorgeTheHamster · 29/12/2017 09:31

So by his argument you should be entirely responsible for their subsistence and he should just pay for the fun stuff? Pillock.

disappearingninepatch · 29/12/2017 09:31

I will be continuing with the CSA route because i don’t trust you to pay direct. You have no right to know, influence or comment upon my finances. I will not discuss this further with you’

This ^
If he wants to pay you directly, he has shot himself in the foot with these twatty comments.

IrisAtwood · 29/12/2017 09:31

Everytime I bet your ex wife is enjoying her freedom.

Original poster

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 09:32

Apple that is pretty much what I said, that I wanted to continue through CSA as I don't trust him alone to pay on time. At the time I said rent & bills do come under maintenance and as long as they are fed, warm and happy thats all he should care about.

I just had a pang of guilt after that perhaps it should just be "their" money if you know what I mean.

OP posts:

GetOffTheTableMabel · 29/12/2017 09:36

This is why you left.
Arsewipe.
Enjoy the freedom you now have to disengage from this twattery. Don’t let him get under your skin. This is the proof that you made the right decision to use the CSA - stick with it!
I think AppleKatie has the response nailed.

NotAgainYoda · 29/12/2017 09:36

Well, it seems he's a bit thick doesn't it?

pameladoove · 29/12/2017 09:37

£250 doesn't even begin to cover most people's childcare costs, let alone anything else.

What a dick.

harrypotternerd · 29/12/2017 09:42

my ex asked me why he should pay CS when I have a new partner. Apparently he should pick up the finances or something. Mind you he hasn't bothered with his kids in 7 years and I only hear from him when he tries to convince me to tell CSA we have a private agreement and to not make him pay anything because or household has 2 incomes.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 29/12/2017 09:42

Technically he is correct. The child maintenance site states that child maintenance is for " additional cost" incurred by the main care giver not every day bills as it's assumed both care giver incur the same living costs.

I agree. Both the NRP and RP would have rent and bills that they would have to cover themselves anyway and both may have extra rooms for the chidren to stay in but both pay them.

I'd say it was for clothes, School costs etc. Things that they only buy as the chid needs them that they wouldn't buy if childless.

Cantuccit · 29/12/2017 09:44

Everytime I bet your ex wife is enjoying her freedom.

This. Unless he's managed to stiff her out of CMA.

Original poster

underthesea45 · 29/12/2017 09:46

harrypotter my friends husband is exactly like your ex, he pays a pittance to his childrens upbringing (he left XW for my friend after an affair and moved far away), she years after moved on and had another child with a new partner and he still complains that "his" money only pays for their holiday because new partner has good job.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 29/12/2017 09:48

So Pleased you told him no to Direct Payment.

£250 x 12 £ 3.000 a year.

£2,000 is £1 a meal 3 times a day for 2 children.
£200 is about £4 a week for the Electric and Gas.
£500 is for a treat costing £10 a week for both children combined.
£200 is for shoes' 8 pairs between them a year.
£240 would give them a new outfit of £10 each a year.

Tell him he is right the money should just go on the children can he up his payments as it's not enough to pay for a holiday away and the rent for them too live...

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