"Child maintenance is not for bills"

[underthesea45]

Ex and I have been split for 18 months, due to his lazy attitude, crappy money managment and generally making me utterly miserable!

He has been "self employed" for most of this time and has therefore dodged paying very much maintenance as he downplayed his earnings to the CSA despite it being obvious he was being paid much more. He has just got a "proper" job and now has to pay £250 a month (hardly a huge amount for two DCs) which he doesn't seem happy about.

It came up yesterday when he dropped DCs off that he would like to do direct pay, I said I'd rather keep it with CSA for now to ensure I get it as I've been struggling paying the bills up until now (I'm on maternity leave), he then kicks off and says "his" maintenance is not meant to pay my bills but for the children.

What exactly does he think the children cost if not largely in bills? The maintenance will go in our "family" pot as it were and contribute towards electric, gas, rent, days out, clothes etc. I am not going to put this money to one side just to pay for things for the children directly (e.g. food, clothes etc.)

I know he can't tell me what money is paid on but it did make me think maybe I should be putting some aside for them?!

Totally agree, but on a 50% basis. I think some rps assume that the entire additional cost of bills that can be associated to the children should be paid entirely by the nrp.

On the other hand, I think a lot of nrp forget that they are basically using the rp as childcare for whatever days out of 3.5 the nrp doesn't have the kids, and with the CMS calculations, at an absolutely bargain rate (the RP will be paying a lot more so they have childcare while they work than the NRP is)

OP welcome to the world of what I think is a national scandal. I find it really difficult to believe that so many men don't pay maintenance and get away with it. They say they don't want to pay to help the woman and that the money should be solely for the children. I have never heard of one of these non- paying parents (almost always fathers) saving what should have been maintenance and giving it to the child when they are eighteen or leave home.

Mummy2017’s figures don’t ignore the PWCs contribution they just specify one parents contribution unless your assuming the child has no other needs met.

I use maintenance (about the same as you get), ds1 DLA and some tax credits towards bills. I don't have a choice. Ex left me in 4 bed house with full mortgage to pay.
He has quite often been sneery about this but was does he expect?! I think he thinks I should be working ft (work 23 hours) but with no family support and disabled child I don't really have an option.

I'd ignore him because he's only saying it as he knows it will annoy you. It's not worth getting into any sort of discussion or argument about it. And I certainly wouldn't go for direct payment from somebody like him. Ever. Unless his attitude completely changes.

Conference I have.

The kid on taking the bank account paperwork from dad looked at Mum and thanked her for the money.
Because in reality it was the Mum providing it

Suggest he takes the children full time and you pay him maintenance.

Boopsy.

Just because you can’t rely on it it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to.
It’s not a deadbeats race to the bottom

As a childminder I get to claim a percentage of my electric, gas and council tax for tax purposes. Because it is an accepted truth that when I have kids in the house my bills go up. It's not rocket science is it?

But you CAN'T rely on it! Mine is still supposed to be paying me £200 a month (the kids are all adult now) because of the £30,000 arrears he was in. i had to raise five of them myself on barely any money because he didn't pay and I couldn't ever rely on any money from him at all. I can't even rely on that £200 a month now (which would be incredibly useful, as I'm really hard up) but he just stopped paying that. Seems like CM is one debt you can just basically forget about....

It's about control. He lost control when he got a 'proper' job and couldn't fiddle his taxes any more. He has no control as long as the CSA are involved.
He's trying to retain some control by dictating how you spend the maintenance.
Ignore him.

Are you with the CSA still or moved over to the CMS..

My Ex refused to pay his £6 a week to CSA, in fact when case worker spoke to him , he told her it wasn't convenient to talk and refused to take calls ..His £6 a week was then taken from benefits.

When I moved over to CMS despite it been unlikely to pay they said they had to give him an opportunity to go through direct pay.

I don't know what age your children are but can pretty confidently guess over the year you will spend more than £125 a month per child on school uniform, clothes, activities child care.

You need to say no till you go over to the CMS... it is simply the legal minimum he has to pay towards his children and he doesn't get to dictate how it is spent.

CM definitely goes towards living costs, bills, roof over head, food costs - which are much higher with kids. My ExH has a low salary and has always paid the minimum of £150 per month for 2 children - which covers everything apparently !!! - bills, food, school uniform, school holidays etc. amazing. He actually promised to pay half of my DS's school holiday with me paying the other half then when it came to the bill told my DS, oh my maintenance covers that! Nowhere near. His maintenance just about pays for school lunches. He refuses to pay one penny extra.

ExP - now he pays no maintenance at all for his DC, but is self employed, sofa surfing, and I know that there is no point chasing as I will see nothing. He owes thousands to the CSA for kids from previous marriage. I don't understand why someone can have so little pride that they don't feel it is their duty to support their child/children.

Stick with the by the books payment system via CSA.

He is a deluded, selfish twat who wants to fuck over his own children and justifies it by telling himself he's only doing it to you.

Ignore him. Of course your children need a home, food, heat, etc Just ignore him.

Tell him:
"The clue is in maintenance"

My ex pays me £130 a month for my two children and I get accused of spending it on myself 🤣🤣🤣 They have absolutely no idea. Do not ever justify yourself to him. Oh, and don't leave CMS, what's the betting he'd be a non payer given a chance?

the RP will be paying a lot more so they have childcare while they work than the NRP is

Someone else beat me to it, but THIS ^ is why single mothers remain broke, and why maintenence is so important.
The RP has to pay through the nose to be able to earn as well as the NRP, unless she has a very hands on extended family. Childcare is extortionate. I got a percentage towards it, but had to cover the rest.
What really gives me the rage is when ds dad (useless twat) moans to me about the cost of visiting him in my town 3/4 times a year, and how much air b and b costs him..
He claims to spend 200 quid per trip ( not sure quite how!). He conveniently forgets that the reason I live here is because he was so spectacularly unhelpful that I decided I would rather be near my mum so at least if I got really ill ds wouldn't have to be taken into care ( because the useless twat would not have stepped up).
When U.T moans I start to list the costs I pay, including 10 years worth of childcare, school trips, uniform, shoes, friends birthday presents, football club, swimming lessons, day trips, seaside holidays, haircuts...that's before I even get to food or electric...
He's oblivious, just blind.
If I end up cohabiting with bf, the U.T would be perfectly comfortable with the idea of another man paying for his kid.
Aargh I can feel my blood pressure going up!
What I think needs changing is that a parent should be held liable for children via tax and thats that. Plus, just because a woman gets into a partnership with a new man, why should that new man ( who may have his own kids to support) be expected to pay for the NRPs children?
I find that so odd. Not that bf would object, but ds is the responsibility of his useless twat father, and always will be!

Sorry mega rant !

Money comes in, money goes out - and in huge amounts when you have children. It's impossible to say which bit of money goes to which specific thing. He's an idiot.

It goes into the household pot of which things for the DC are paid for from. Be it bills, new shoes, days out or whatever- he's being a wally (and I say that as a SMum whose DH has had a drama with the ex and money from day 1!)

he'll hang himself with his own attitude. it shows that he feels that the financial burdens and sacrifices of raising children ought rightly to be yours. He won't get far with that attitude if you get to court.

So if the kids don't cost you any extra in bills, housing costs etc then why doesn't he have them for overnights, seeing as it won't cost him any extra either? Twat.