To be scared about mil staying?

[BlueNewYear]

Mil is staying in our home tomorrow for 2 weeks. She is from non-european country and doesn't speak English. I've never met her before. I have anxiety and depression and a 4 month old baby who is having a sleep regression and is ebf. Between us, we also have 2 seven year old daughters and a 6 year old son.

Whilst mil is staying, dh is going to work for 6 hours on 3 of the days. I'm feeling scared and overwhelmed. Is dh being unreasonable expecting me to cope with this?

Yes, BlueNewYear, HIBU for organising the visit, particularly without discussing it with you and not booking the time off work.

He’s being an absolute prick for threatening you with divorce if you don’t get on.

Of course he's being unreasonable. If he wants family to visit, he has to do the work.

Agree with you there, Morris.

OP, yes, it is unreasonabke of him not to ensure he was there for at least the first week, to help and to translate and explain. That he hasn’t done that could even imply he would prefer the drama of wife and mil not getting on.......

So, you can mess him up a bit by rubbing along OK with her.

Look at the helpful positive posts and try to adopt that mindset. Keep reminding yourself that she’s just a person and that you are OK. Let the children take a front seat with her while he’s at work - children tend to scale the barriers of communication with ease.

I don't think (personally) 3 days at work is a big deal within a 2 week visit. But I do understand feeling overwhelmed. The problem is your dH here and his attitude and exclusion of you in the whole process.

I find these awkward visits whizz by when small children are around.

Can you find any Russian TV shows or movies on YouTube?

Bring down a big pile of ironing and start doing it - she may be keen to take over for something helpful to do.

I hope it goes ok. I think he is very very bu to put pressure on you and threaten you. As she is coming for a protracted period, i imagine it is difficult for him to take all the time off work. I hope he stops putting pressure on you or expects you to look after her in a certain way. And stops threatening you.

Unfortunately hosting can be part and parcel of marrying a foreigner. My foreign fil used to come whilst dh was at work. He doesn’t come over anymore. But I put a stop to it when I became chronically ill because I found it very straining and insisted dh was always here.

I don’t think he’s necessary extremely unreasonable. It’s a difficult balancing act having parents abroad. I suspect the pressure he is putting on you is pressure from her that she is putting on him. You should be able to talk about this. But you’re really tired and it’s difficult. I expect he’s really tired too.

Are you taking any medication or do you have access to counselling/therapy?

Come on here if it gets too much .

I thought the DH had booked the time off work. Doesn't OP say he is only going to work three x six hour days over the whole period.

When are these three days OP? At the start,middle or end? Are they consecutive or dotted about?

I think he is an utter bastard for telling you if you don't impress her, you're history. I would probably LTB over that kind of comment, not over the fact he wants you and his MIL to try to develop a relationship and for her to stay. That is quite ordinary. His threats are not.

Hopefully she will be a far nicer person than he is.

You've only said he's at work for 6 hours on 3 of the days - not which ones.

If he's working a Mon-Fri then her arrival day and the next 3, he's there.

So I don't think it's taking the piss if he discussed it with you.

Your H is being totally unreasonable and as for saying you will be 'toast' if the visit doesn't go as he wants, appalling behaviour. Your problem is not MIL, it is your DH.

Enlist any translation help, online or off. The phone app sounds helpful. Get out the family photos to show her, have the children play simple card games she can join in. Maybe she would like to help you cook. Local walks, museums etc if also suitable for children. If you need to shop, take her with you. Perhaps she would like a nap later after her journey. One of those large colouring-in sheets so she can participate with the children. Point out and name things - the children can help. See if there is a local Russian group or church.

You are worrying about being a host but if she is not a good guest ie fits in, helps out, says thank you, it's not your fault. What is your H going to do to help the visit go well?

I feel for you. The baby may not settle for your H because of his attitude & demeanour and you have described your own mother. MIL may be lovely with the baby.

Good luck

Thanks so much everyone. Knowing I have the safe haven if mumsnet to retreat to is a comfort.

I LOVE the pile of ironing idea. I don't normally iron, but I will start now. It will look good to her and also keep me too busy. Win win. That's if baby will let me.

To me, an anxiety sufferer, it wouldn’t matter which ones, particularly before the visit. If they weren’t altogether, if they were all at the end, any which way they would hang in my head as a mountain I would have to climb. I wouldn’t be able to focus much on the here and now, even more so I I was told my relationship with the father of my children depended on it.

I can’t say whether op is the same but I just want to give others insight. I can totally appreciate that it’s hard to understand this condition if you have no experience of it.

It’s very overwhelming.

On the face of it, I don’t think the DH is being unreasonable to have his mother visit her four-month-old grandchild, or to leave the house for a total of 18 hours over a two-week period. I imagine he does need to work at least a little bit in the two weeks. Not everyone has a job where you can just take that much holiday at once. Of course his mother wants to visit the new baby, and it sounds like it’s a big trip for her, so two weeks is a fair length of time to stay.

That being said, he is very UNreasonable to have put so much pressure on you for the visit. IF he’s a good guy otherwise, I would chalk it up to a poor attempt at humour. Keep in mind he’s probably pretty nervous himself. He’s got just as much at stake as OP in making it work.

OP, one thing you could do is ask your DH to explain your mental health situation to his mother. She may be understanding, but even if she’s not, it doesn’t sound like something you will be able to hide rihhh now. This woman is coming to meet her grandchild, so if you cry, scream, and flee, taking said grandchild away, your MIL is understandably not going to be happy. But if she has a bit of information about the situation she may turn out to be supportive, or at least she will understand what’s going on. She’s had newborns herself, and she may relate to your situation more than hours think.

I know about anxiety, OP, believe me I do. But try to avoid making your fears into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you feel like your home is being invaded and your blood is boiling, you may unintentionally come off as cold, erratic, or generally difficult. Your MIL is family now, and you should do your best (to the extent you are capable right now) to welcome her warmly and make the effort to connect with her.

I'm not sure where the pressure of this visit has came from - him or his mum. Tbh she's on the phone a lot.

She is a Russian grandma...give her the baby. In my experience of Russian grannies, they LOVE babies. Hopefully she will like children, and will get on with all the kids.

If nothing else, smiling, nodding and offering food will help. You can get by with no language whatsoever, if you can smile and offer food, and say "yum" to whatever they offer you!

Oops, hit send too soon. I wanted to add that if your DH really is seeing this as make-or-break, he is not
a nice person or a good husband, and you need to have a big talk on e this is all over. But even in that case, his mother is not him. Sometimes lovely people raise children who aren’t so lovely. If she turns out to be difficult, then you have every reason to leave and stay with your mum. But give it a chance, not just for your MIL but for your baby, who has a right to know his nan.

And I have suffered, terribly at times, with depression and anxiety, especially when my children were newborns. I do get it. I’m just saying don’t start off on the wrong foot, even if you have to completely fake it. Can you ask your GP for something to relax you in those first few days and when your DH is gone? Alprazolam has gotten me through some pretty harrowing times.

Good luck, OP, and keep us posted.

Am I the only one who wants to hear about PP’s torrid cross-cultural affair???

I've got a bottle of vodka hidden under the bed. And my antidepressants. That's all the medication really.

Vodka?
Culturally sensitive DIL - she'll love you!

(but seriously... do not open the vodka)

Haha I only have a shot now and then to calm my nerves. Dh hates it though.

OP if your anxiety is as bad as it sounds you should ask your OP for more than just anti-depressants. You need a situational rescue medicine, at least in the short term. Actually it just occurs to me that you are BFing, so maybe that’s not an option. But again, if you are as bad off as this thread makes it seem, you may want to consider giving up or limiting BFing so that you can be appropriately medicated. I had to do that when my son was 6 weeks old and it was really hard, as I had had a nightmare getting feeding established and I was convinced I’d be a terrible mum if I didn’t stick it out. With the distance of time and being healthier now I realize that my DS really needed me to be OK, a LOT more than he needed breast milk.

I think no matter what I do he'll find fault with it. Hide in bedroom -- I'm being antisocial. Go to baby groups and visit my mum - same. Wear a dressing gown around the house - too messy and embarrassing (he said that). Start shaking with nerves - too embarrassing. Watch TV - too chavvy. Give baby dummy - his mum's already warned against that. Sleep in - antisocial. Alcohol - terrible.

I need to act like a robot these next two weeks. I will be posting updates.

He's just informed me that they're at Manchester airport. Just 2 hours to go.

Good luck op.

To answer this question;

"Can I ask a question: is dh being unreasonable for organising this visit and yet going to work for 3 days of it?"

I'd say no. 3 days wrk in a fortnight is very reasonable. It's his mum, it's important for her to visit and feel welcome.

Op, I also suffer with anxiety and have a foreign MIL. I try my hardest to learn phrases but the anxiety means the words are like glue in my mouth and I just can't get them out. I spend all the visits just smiling goofily at her and she happily natters at me in her language not caring if I understand or not. She's lovely, I hope yours will be too!
Honestly unless she's a witch it'll be fine. Mine loves spending time with the kids and just leaves me to it. Also means DH and I can go out on a rate date night guilt free. Embrace it, good luck.

I don't think the MIL is the problem here - it's that OPs husband has reduced her (op) to this quivering ball of anxiety.

Hope all is going well OP.

Hope it’s all ok OP

OP I also have a MIL with no English, I was petrified the first time I met her but actually as previous posters have said you can't argue or disagree if you're not talking the same language! I learnt the basic good morning/thank you/that was delicious comments and that kept her happy. Otherwise you're able to communicate through facial expressions and pointing a lot of the time!
Often the anticipation of something is much worse than the reality and she's just as likely to be nervous of meeting you