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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to talk some sense into some people on here! (edited by MNHQ)

131 replies

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:07

Whilst this isn't a TAAT, it's been inspired by alot of posts I've seen lately, where a man cannot possibly be expected to look after his own children.
We seem to have husbands who can't feed their own children, feed them. Or even take them shopping.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Who actually believes this shit? If my DH turned round and told me he couldnt possibly manage to dress the kids then I'd send him to the doctor, because that seems like a simple task for a grown man who manages to dress himself, drive, hold down a job. So there must be something wrong!!

Honestly

If you were hit by a bus and killed do you honestly believe that your children would be forever naked. Starved. Never bathed. Forever more? Because come on, some men just can't seem to get their heads around simple childcare tasks! One man earlier couldn't tell the difference between tights and leggings! Fucking ludicrous.

So come on, if you honestly believe this bullshit. Why are you with them? The lazy shites

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 00:35

Some people do grow up without learning about childcare, housework and cooking.
Not just men. I know women who grew up without learning to clean her loo properly and she had a professional job. I nearly fainted.

RebelRogue · 28/12/2017 00:38

OH took DD for new(waterproof) boots. They came back with DD awfully happy and proud of herself, in fake ugg style boots(definitely not waterproof) and 3 sizes too bog. Yes he's a bit of an idiot sometimes and she has his wrapped around her little finger.
But on the other hand they have a great relationship, he actually enjoys playing with her, takes her swimming for hours or go to the park in the freezing cold. He stayed home with her on the two snow days. No he'll never do things as "well" as i do, but he will try.

If i were gone he would massively struggle, mainly due to childcare . He leaves at 6 am and can be back at any time between 6,7 or even 8 .

MsGameandWatching · 28/12/2017 00:41

Whenever I see these kind of threads and posts I always think of my ex who refused to do any childcare or housework ever and would verbally attack like a Rottweiler if I ever tried to discuss it with him. He wouldn't leave either and in the end attacked me in front of my children. You're lucky this kind of man is outside of your experience and understanding but I know there's quite a few around. If someone absolutely will not do their bit and becomes scarily abusive when you ask them to...there's not much you can do really.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 00:50

You are well rid, MsGame.

BruelTr · 28/12/2017 01:44

My ex is an ex for good reason. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow and dd was left with him, her life and health would be destroyed. It's my biggest fear. Nothing anyone can say, do, threaten will ever make him a competent, caring, responsible father. It was my fault to get pregnant by an idiot but his continued idiocy is on him.

ethelfleda · 28/12/2017 02:07

I feel like an inferior parent to DH sometimes as he is that good with our 8 week old son. If he could lactate I doubt they'd need me!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 28/12/2017 02:24

Yay I tell it like it is thread

Haven’t seen one for a while

Shame they were once popular on MN before it became a place that was more empathetic Confused

GreyMorning · 28/12/2017 03:14

@CremeFresh, yes, much easier asking for help to do it right, why is that so bad? There are lots of things my husband has taught me to do that I could have taught myself via google and YouTube.

We've got an assortment of animals too, should my husband have to teach himself how to look after a horse or should I just tell him how we care for ours?

Funkyferret · 28/12/2017 03:41

We are certainly in different times from, say, the 50s. Men are, in the main, a lot more involved with their children's lives beyond escorting them into church on Sunday or giving them advice (read lecture) on how things "should be". That said, fast forward and even some of the best of them make you a bit murderous with their parenting skills (DH thinks fairies bring him clean clothes but OTOH, he would love it if the washing machine went phuuut because he could play with his tools and bring it back to life by lunchtime) . . .

Hopeful103 · 28/12/2017 05:17

Yeah. Blame the women for the men being lazy fucks. Nice

No just blame the women for being dumb enough to choose men like these. It's a choice and so is having kids with these men. Why complain when you chose this.

MuseumOfCurry · 28/12/2017 05:49

I've observed that there are a lot of of women who, after the extraordinarily difficult pre-school years, extend their career of SAHM-hood by mystifying and exaggerating the duties associated with raising school-aged children.

This is normally wives of bankers or similar.

I'm friends with a lot of such women, and many of them I like and respect very much, but as ever was the case, poorer women get the shaft when it comes to wifework.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2017 07:03

I think it's more complicated than individual women enabling their partners to be poor parents. The whole of our society tells men they don't need to think about this shit. Some men don't buy into it and pick up their responsibilities anyway, most men accept what they can get away with but step up when they have to and a fair few men never pull their weight, even when it means their children will not get the support they need to do well in life. Many women, who are socialised to be more concerned than men about what happens to children, aren't prepared to let things slip as far as men and risk their children's future as the whole of society is screaming at them, long before it even looks at the children's father, to ensure everything is covered. It's this that needs changing if we want women to stop enabling men to be poor fathers.

To be fair there are women who, despite society, don't rise to the challenge of raising children either, but the percentage seems to be way, way lower than with men.

thecatsarecrazy · 28/12/2017 07:08

My husband isn't totally useless he looks after our youngest so hes fed and changed but hes not great.
I was in hospital for a month with my baby after he was born and dh had to look after the house and older children. The house was a tip when i got home and i cried but he had done washing and took the children to school etc.

Namechange16 · 28/12/2017 07:21

In many cases it's the man's mother's fault for doing everything around the house when he's growing up and the wife's fault for perpetuating it.

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2017 07:30

Excellent post boom boom
There was a recent thread by a single mum who was suggesting doing something silly (out of desperation) and was rightly being told that childrens services would be interested. However presumably there was a father somewhere who abdicated responsibikity and if it came to it would join in the chorus of disapproval. The mum bears ultimate responsibility for the children doesn't she. Ugh.

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2017 07:31

Name change those poor men. If only the women around them were better human beings

Tipsntoes · 28/12/2017 08:11

CremeFresh I don't think for a minute that most men need "training" to keep DC safe, fed and entertained. They do need a bit of help to do it exactly the way their DWs want it done.

Original poster
Fattymcfaterson · 28/12/2017 08:37

I also grew up knowing nothing about childcare, housework or cooking, but alot of it is just common sense!
When I read threads on here about a wife being at work till 8pm and coming home to find the kids haven't had dinner and are very hungry, and the DH is all "on I didn't realise they needed to be fed" really Hmm
Do they really think that, or do they know if they wait long enough their DW will come home to do it.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 28/12/2017 08:52

Exactly Tips. I just don't understand why some men are so useless or just about manage to feed and dress their children but then can't cope with keeping a house in order at the same time. Why can't they ? No one 'trained' me , or many other women I'm guessing,in the art of childcare .

I don't like women bashing at all but I do think that it has to be the fault of the parents of useless men and their wives for 'allowing' them to continue to be useless.

My friend has 2 boys and a girl - we all went camping and the kids were given jobs to do, the boys were asked to peel potatoes. My friend scurried over and told the boys she and her daughter would do the potatoes because they wouldn't do it properly Angry . My fab sister told her that she would raise boys that were exactly like their father, who she moans about for being useless !! She just couldn't see it Angry

Tipsntoes · 28/12/2017 08:55

I do think though CremeFresh, that in a lot of the posts where women are complaining about their partner's incompetence, it's not really that they can't do it, it's that they do it their way rather than mum's way. They have different priorities and they parent according to those, which doesn't make them wrong, but seems to upset some women.

CremeFresh · 28/12/2017 09:01

I agree , it's a shame these men aren't allowed to look after their kids without being criticised .

Cosmicbird · 28/12/2017 09:16

@Hopeful103

“No just blame the women for being dumb enough to choose men like these. It's a choice and so is having kids with these men. Why complain when you chose this.”

Can you tell the future??? How do you know what kind of a parent someone will be until they have children?

Original poster
Fattymcfaterson · 28/12/2017 09:24

Can you tell the future??? How do you know what kind of a parent someone will be until they have children?

I would assume when living with someone and deciding to have kids together you'd get a feel for lazy fuckery. Does he ever cook dinner, tidy up after himself. Or does he not get involved in the "wife work" if not, then why expect them to change when kids come along

OP posts:
Cosmicbird · 28/12/2017 09:47

That’s the thing though, people do change when kids come along. A household with 2 adults in it is a totally different dynamic to one with children as well, different demands etc. So someone who is an equal partner in the first instance doesn’t necessarily continue that when things change.

I agree if someone doesn’t pull their weight from the beginning that’s unlikely to improve once children are added into the mix.

Hopeful103 · 28/12/2017 09:52

Can you tell the future??? How do you know what kind of a parent someone will be until they have children?

Well you have a pretty darn good idea of the future based on the present. Lazy and selfish right now doesn't magically change especially when it gets much harder with children.
again it's a choice you make and most likely you know what the person is like but choose to look past it.