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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to talk some sense into some people on here! (edited by MNHQ)

131 replies

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:07

Whilst this isn't a TAAT, it's been inspired by alot of posts I've seen lately, where a man cannot possibly be expected to look after his own children.
We seem to have husbands who can't feed their own children, feed them. Or even take them shopping.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Who actually believes this shit? If my DH turned round and told me he couldnt possibly manage to dress the kids then I'd send him to the doctor, because that seems like a simple task for a grown man who manages to dress himself, drive, hold down a job. So there must be something wrong!!

Honestly

If you were hit by a bus and killed do you honestly believe that your children would be forever naked. Starved. Never bathed. Forever more? Because come on, some men just can't seem to get their heads around simple childcare tasks! One man earlier couldn't tell the difference between tights and leggings! Fucking ludicrous.

So come on, if you honestly believe this bullshit. Why are you with them? The lazy shites

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 27/12/2017 22:36

Tbh fatty the number of lone parent families fronted by fathers are so low as to be pretty much none existent.

I got to this comment and wanted to scream "where is your evidence of this utter bollocks."

It’s not bollocks. I wish it was tbh. Depressed the hell out of me as well Smile

Well I bet you feel foolish @m0therofdragons, when faced with all those citations of compelling evidence :-)

Tinycitrus · 27/12/2017 22:36

I think a lot of women do gatekeep household/childcare tasks. It’s a way of keeping control.

My DP makes breakfast and gets three girls ready for school in the morning, packed lunches, organises and takes them to dental appts and oversees homework. He cooks the evening meal too.

I work ft and the only way we manage is to split 50/50. I do washing, ironing, cleaning, GP appts (with teen dd) Hairdresser’s, clothes shopping etc.

Men are completely capable.

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2017 22:37

I did see that and you are right. Slightly more comedy violence but distasteful.

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/12/2017 22:38

The problem is, she may not know he's like this until they have the kids.They can be really good at hiding it. I had a friend who's dh was fine - and then as soon as the first baby was born, and complained that he was doing nothing, said, "well this is your job now, you're not working - you look after the kids". Theyr'e divorced now - but I'm afraid to say it's becuase he left her for another woman. Because - that's what that sort of man does.

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2017 22:39

If we're adding anecdata I too know of two families with young children where the wife sadly died. All doing well AFAIK. I ali know personally two families if young and of teens where the dads died, also doing well.
Moral of the story - avoid me.

usedtogotomars · 27/12/2017 22:39

I can try and dig some out. If you go onto Gingerbreads website that says over 90% of lone parent families are headed by women. And I will have to dig it out but the number of children who end up in foster care after the death of the mother is significantly larger than after the death of the father.

usedtogotomars · 27/12/2017 22:40

My dad was great until our mum died which is when I started reading around it. It helped knowing it wasn’t me, it’s just what men do.

donquixotedelamancha · 27/12/2017 22:41

We seem to have husbands who can't feed their own children, feed them. Or even take them shopping.

I wonder how much of this stuff is true and how much is just hyperbolic venting. I don't know any blokes who don't do housework and childcare (well, my Dad), but the ones I know who do the most (50%+) still have wives who describe them like incompetent children in jest and sometimes in bickering.

OuchBollocks · 27/12/2017 22:41

StealthPolarBear "Moral of the story - avoid me." I wasn't expecting that and it properly made me laugh out loud Grin

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 27/12/2017 22:45

DH is like this. And yes, if I died tomorrow, he wouldn't have a clue what he needed to do for each one of them. Last Christmas he made dinner, he cut DS2 (then 5)'s food into tiny pieces and gave him a fork and spoon to eat with. Xmas Hmm

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2017 22:46

I do kind of get your point OP.

LineysRunner · 27/12/2017 22:46

Oh please bore off with the 'pitchforks'. Nice that MNHQ amended your shitty thread title. How cool are you.

Meanwhile, yes men should be able to do basic tasks.

MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2017 22:47

Shoes, you've got a point.
If the mother takes time off (maternity leave/career break) with the babies, this is often seen as time off (doing nothing).
I think if one parent work full time then the mental load will tend to end up with the SAHP.

To be fair, I know a lot of men who do their share of the childcare and housework even if their partner/wife is SAH or working part-time.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/12/2017 22:50

YANBU op. I never understand this. I can't stand men who act like this but equally get annoyed with the women who accept such behaviour and then go and moan about it. These posters who cant leave their kids for even 1 hour with their dh. I am a firm believer that you set the standards for the way you want to be treated. Why you would let anyone treat you this way, moan and complain about it and then just stay there and let the cycle continue?
It baffles me. I don't see how you could possibly be attracted to a man that cant even look after his dc alone and completely independently.

Tinycitrus · 27/12/2017 22:50

Not just basic tasks.

I do think some women undermine their partner’s efforts to help with the children by being hypercritical about things that don’t really matter.
My girls were dressed in some rather odd clothing by DP when they were little - it turns out he just let them pick their own outfits and everyone was happy (except me Smile)

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/12/2017 22:51

My DH is pretty good - he has his faults - but judging on recent threads he has never called me a slag or a whore, he has never hit me or the dc, or made any of us scared of him. He is generally loving and caring - we have a good life.

I have known for a long time (kids are 15,13 and 10) that the dc would be severely disadvantaged without me. I'm the one there withem them every day, I do all their day to day care - all social arrangements are down to me etc.

DH surprised me recently by saying he was upping my life insurance (I'm a sahm) because he would want to give up work if i died - I don't think he's planning on murdering me - I just saw it as a nod to how important the work I do, as a sahm, is. I think he's finally realised.

Original poster
Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:52

That's it exactly mrsryan
I don't understand why they put up with it? Why set the bar so low

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 22:54

So who is at fault ? Is it men just pleading ignorance so that they don't have to get involved , is it their parents fault for not teaching them ?

I think it's men being lazy - no one 'taught' me how to raise children but it's just bloody common sense surely? Kids are just small people that need the same stuff as adults in order to survive .

My dad was awesome (I was born in the 60's). Despite working long hours in a manual job , he cooked , bathed us, was in charge of hair washing (and perming hair when I wanted one) , he knitted us jumpers- he just knew what to do!

Tipsntoes · 27/12/2017 22:54

A lot of it is control freakery on the part of the mothers though. My Dad was my child minder when DS1 was small. He did a great job, DS1 was well cared for and they had a lot of fun but at times, things were shall we say, unconventional. If I'd wanted things done my way at all times, I wouldn't have lasted a week.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/12/2017 22:57

I don't see how you could possibly be attracted to a man that cant even look after his dc alone and completely independently

Neither do I but then I can't see why a man would be attracted to a woman who didn't work or share the financial burden either. It's either a partnership where each does 50/50 or it's not.

I suspect many set the bar so low as they like the lifestyle that they have and don't want to give it up or know no different as they grew up in a household where mum did the parenting and dad went to work.

MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2017 22:57

What MrsRyanGosling15 said.
What Tinycitrus said, not just the last pp.

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 27/12/2017 23:01

It's arseholes like the OP that mean women can't ask for help with problems like this on MN and just quietly put up with it rather than be slated by a load of strangers when they just need advice.

Original poster
Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 23:03

Pretty sure I'm not "slating women"
I have not once blamed a woman for a man's behaviour.
Arsehole indeed!

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 23:07

Actually having a rethink, I think there's a few groups- those that have been overridden by their partners and been told they're not doing it right and so have given up , those that are just lazy , the genuinely clueless , those that are just as good at it as women and those that are better than women.

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/12/2017 23:11

Neither do I but then I can't see why a man would be attracted to a woman who didn't work or share the financial burden either.

Er... because they agree that one of the parents should sah to look after the dc? It's not that antiquated is it? If it suits the family/they can afford for a parent to sah? Even so, the working parent should still know the basics of childcare - for evenings/weekends, times when the sahp isn't there.

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