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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to talk some sense into some people on here! (edited by MNHQ)

131 replies

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:07

Whilst this isn't a TAAT, it's been inspired by alot of posts I've seen lately, where a man cannot possibly be expected to look after his own children.
We seem to have husbands who can't feed their own children, feed them. Or even take them shopping.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Who actually believes this shit? If my DH turned round and told me he couldnt possibly manage to dress the kids then I'd send him to the doctor, because that seems like a simple task for a grown man who manages to dress himself, drive, hold down a job. So there must be something wrong!!

Honestly

If you were hit by a bus and killed do you honestly believe that your children would be forever naked. Starved. Never bathed. Forever more? Because come on, some men just can't seem to get their heads around simple childcare tasks! One man earlier couldn't tell the difference between tights and leggings! Fucking ludicrous.

So come on, if you honestly believe this bullshit. Why are you with them? The lazy shites

OP posts:

YellowMakesMeSmile · 27/12/2017 22:18

There's a lot of posts like this along with many who claim their husbands couldn't work without them

It's hardly rocket science and of course they can do it but some women like to make out they can't to justify not working, some men are simply out of the house all hours working etc.

It depends what you look for in a partner, I like an equal that shares everything. Some like to be kept etc.

Original poster

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:19

I'd never changed a nappy, or made a bottle before I had kids. Somehow managed to work it out.
Its hardly quantum physics

OP posts:

NormHonal · 27/12/2017 22:19

YABVVU.

OP, your title is unnecessary and your tone provocative.

Lots of partners, male and female, are not familiar with the ins and outs of their DCs’ preferences and routines. It’s perfectly justifiable to have a moan about it on an anonymous forum.

I imagine my friend may have posted such a post, and her DH is a lovely man. She died, very suddenly, a couple of years ago, and correct, no one starved and no one was naked. But her DH didn’t have the first clue about cooking for their DCs, school uniform and so on. It was a steep steep learning curve, and my DP would be the same. Neither of these are “lazy shites”.

OuchBollocks · 27/12/2017 22:19

What are they meant to do? They divorce him, he gets the kids EOW and they come home uniforms not washed, hair not combed, teeth not cleaned, homework not done and they're lonely and skint. Blame the men, blame society, blame the patriarchy, but lay off the women who have enough to get on with ffs.

Sarahh2014 · 27/12/2017 22:20

Not offended by The thread title I'm sure op didn't mean literally

LineysRunner · 27/12/2017 22:21

What a horrible thread title. You muppet. Deliberate?

HappyAndRelaxed · 27/12/2017 22:22

It's a balance between control and laziness. Haven't seen the thread but there's lots of examples of this irl.

Original poster

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:22

I've reported my own thread title.... You can put the pitchforks down now

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 27/12/2017 22:22

its up to the mother usually because they mollycoddle boys more than fathers do.

OuchBollocks · 27/12/2017 22:23

Start a new thread - "how can we make useless fathers assume a reasonable proportion of domestic responsibility?" Or "how has society conditioned women into accepting a disproportionate amount of shitwork in the home and how can we redress the balance?" if you actually want a proper discussion rather than to be a GF.

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2017 22:23

I was told on a similar thread it was obvious the op didn't mean it and I was over reacting.

TammySwansonTwo · 27/12/2017 22:23

It's rarely that black and white though is it? It's not uncommon for partners to have certain areas that they take charge of and the other person has less knowledge / understanding of them. That's certainly true if one of you is home all day with the kids and the other is at work. Obviously if your husband was like this with everything then you'd tell them to fuck off, but little things sneak up on you. For example, we have twins who wear different size clothes. I generally buy their clothes and know what fits which twin at any one time while my husband doesn't. When you're drowning in tasks it's often simpler to just do something yourself than explain it all to someone else, then you sleepwalk into a problem.

I've started calling my husband out when he claims incompetence - like when he said he couldn't put the Christmas food shop away because he didn't know where stuff went. Or when he asks me to find clothes for one of the boys, I point him to the basket under the changing table that has clean sleepsuits in it and tell him to figure it out. It takes more time and effort and frankly it's only now they're a bit older that I have the energy for that - before I'd rather just get certain shit done on my own and get on with it.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 27/12/2017 22:23

But... honestly, all these 'oh aren't I a shit mum isn't that hilarious? I'm going to drink a vat of gin and ignore my child while they drink bleach! Tinkly laugh' blogs are just the same sort of thing.

You know the type of thing, my toddler nicked £50,000 and a Ferrari and I didn't even notice. OMG, I put my babies snowsuit on upside down then put them in the pram with their bum sticking out off the hood instead of their face! LOL!!! Sort of thing. It's not just men...

m0therofdragons · 27/12/2017 22:25

Tbh fatty the number of lone parent families fronted by fathers are so low as to be pretty much none existent. If dads lose their wives, they tend to marry again, give the kids away to extended family or put them into foster care.

I got to this comment and wanted to scream "where is your evidence of this utter bollocks."

Anecdotally 2 sets of my cousins lost their mums to cancer while at primary school (1 ds and the other family had 2dds). Both dads stepped up and raised their dc - ds is now 23 and the dds are 19 and 16 having got great exam results and one studying physics at a top uni. I cannot believe my uncles are the only good dads out there! My own dh is amazing with dc and now I'm working full time we've split jobs and yes he's had to learn stuff he never knew before as I was working very part time when dc were tiny pre schooler so did most of the home type stuff. Dh doesn't always do things how I would but who says I'm right?

Op women seem to put up with a lot of behaviours my friends and I would never tolerate nor have we seen in men. My dad used to dress me, cook occasionally and he's fairly old school.

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/12/2017 22:27

Oh, yanbu OP. I can see why people took offence at the thread title, but, yanbu.

I see time & again on here threads where men are apparently incapable of caring for their dc - either because they're fuckwits that don't know the clothes are in the wardrobe, the nappies in the bathroom, the food is in the kitchen, etc - or because they're too fucking hungover from the night before! Unacceptable.

usedtogotomars · 27/12/2017 22:27

It’s not bollocks. I wish it was tbh. Depressed the hell out of me as well :)

NovemberWitch · 27/12/2017 22:28

Beats me. OH was a SAHP for the first 5 years of us having children, he worked from home as well.
DD occasionally wore eye-watering combinations of colour and pattern, because he let her choose, but always appropriate for the weather. He was great at the rest of it all though.Even when he was managing a toddler and a baby and a % of the household stuff.
I do put some of the responsibility on the partner who puts up with idle fuckwittery, I don’t understand it. Why hook up in the first place, and if things start to slide, why not sit down and work out who does what?
When my children hit teenager stage, they made mistakes when acquiring adult skills. The answer was more practise, not ‘Oh, let me do it’.

Insomnibrat · 27/12/2017 22:29

Do you frame your opinions so aggressively?

ShoesHaveSouls · 27/12/2017 22:29

Oh and a bonus Yanbu at all* about those poster's whose DH's wee in the bedroom/on their clothes/on their belongings after being pissed up the night before. Those are special threads...

passemoilevin · 27/12/2017 22:30

This.

c3pu · 27/12/2017 22:31

Let's face it, nobody starts a thread in AIBU to ask everyone for a advice about how their DH is fantastic with the kids and does a fair share of all the shitwork.

MotherCupboard · 27/12/2017 22:31

Where were the thread title police on the thread about killing the mother in law earlier?

I agree op. The woman is not to blame for the man behaving like hes incapable. It is her fault if she chooses to put up with it.

Original poster

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:32

There's not pulling your weight, then there's what I'm talking about. The complete incompetence. If you can't dress or wash a small human there's something wrong with you

OP posts:

Original poster

Fattymcfaterson · 27/12/2017 22:33

And before the pitchforks start backup again. Obviously If you have a disability/disabled child things are trickier

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 27/12/2017 22:35

On here there is "wifework". I'd not come across the term before.
In the 20th century, men would often not leave home until they got married, so they didn't run a household.
Nowadays, it is normal for men to live on their own before settling down so they can do things like washing and ironing, cooking, washing up and cleaning.
I understand the mental load thing but you need to establish things from the start and delegate. They'll soon get the hang of it.

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