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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - I've taken my present back...

304 replies

charliebearr · 27/12/2017 16:50

Bought my son (he is 23) a second hand car for Christmas (a very very OTT present from me).

It was a complete surprise.

I couldn't give him the gift on xmas morning as the car needed a final check before we took it but, he was told earlier in the year if he passed his test we would think about getting him a car.

Christmas morning came & I had a token gift ready and of course no mention of the car. He was noticeably irritated about it. His behaviour towards the day deteriorated so steeply I put him out of the house around midnight until he cooled off. He told me it was all too do with the car etc.

The car arrived today. He seen the car but, didn't come down but, my partner said he was taking photos of it from inside gearing up to come out. I called the garage back and got someone to come lift it and have cancelled the contract since. AIBU?

OP posts:
JediStoleMyBike · 27/12/2017 17:36

I don't think she's a crap mum, don't put words in my mouth. I wonder if the son had an issue with his mum and a partner wading in made it worse. I do think the son behaved like a massive man child but there's clearly more going on than a simple issue with a Christmas gift Hmm

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:37

@youbetterwork I agree I should have got my ass into gear and sorted the car sooner but, I was at the mercy of the garages opening hours and I wanted it too be ready completely.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 27/12/2017 17:38

**Sounds like he manipulates you well and you in turn so a good job in buying his affection. Now you’ve seen what he’s like when he doesn’t get his way and bunch of internet strangers have managed to convince you it’s your fault he was verbally abusive.

Fucks sake, this place. hmm**

^Completely agree with this

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 17:38

charliebear I really wouldn't bother trying to explain anything more. You'll have hugged him too much or not enough, posters have decided someone needs a kicking and your number is up Wink. If you enjoy a drink I'd pour a glass now and see what's on the telly...

chipsandchilli · 27/12/2017 17:38

He had an idea he was getting a car, at 23 i would assume he has posted so on social media so his friends will see, probably promising them a day out in said car.

Xmas morning comes and no sign of the car, friends probably asking where it is on social media

Car then comes the next day and he takes photos and posts them to social media after taking a photo from the bedroom window, yeah my cars here, i will come for you soon etc etc

Mother then sends said car back so now what does he tell his friends.

I think you have been really cruel and controlling and he will have lost face with his friends, no wonder hes pissed off

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2017 17:39

I don't think you'll get the 'bells and whistles' now OP this 'gift' is tainted. You played games and they haven't panned out.

No, your son shouldn't have behaved the way he did but what you did can't be taken in good spirits either because it was mean.

I don't know how you get back from this given your attitude of entitlement to souped-up gratitude. If I were in your position now I would go and explain to my son that the 'joke' didn't come off and that I was sorry about it. That the car is his, it was always intended to be his, and it will be re-delivered on x-date.

I really hope you don't make a habit of this OP because it's awful behaviour from you.

Knittedfairies · 27/12/2017 17:39

I hope you can sort this out Charliebearr

Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:40

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe That made me laugh! In that case, cheers!

OP posts:
Original poster
charliebearr · 27/12/2017 17:40

@knittedfairies Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 17:41

CharlieBear... you sound like a super Mum... you did the right thing regards sending the Car back.... your Son will now come home and walk on water to get you to change you mind and get the car back... you will be a Fool to fall for this .... you saw who your Son was on Christmas Day... that is who your Son is.... think on

Willow2017 · 27/12/2017 17:43

Ops behabiour is 'awful' but her 'swearing, abusive, trying to fight her partner' ADULT son deserves a new car poor lamb?
Wtaf?

FlouncyDoves · 27/12/2017 17:45

Well harsh to build his hopes up and then give him a coat.

When he got angry you could’ve diffused the situation by explaining that his present was coming and was being checked over. Given him a photo of it something.

Still live and learn. He sounds like a bit of an entitled dick anyway. Hopefully it’s taught him a lesson.

HotelEuphoria · 27/12/2017 17:47

Why didn't you just wrap up the keys even if the car wasn't there you could have boxed and wrapped the spare set.

It's almost as though you took pleasure in teasing him then punishing him.

meandmytinfoilhat · 27/12/2017 17:48

I think you both could have behaved better and that there were several opportunities during the day for you both to improve your behaviour.

I'm glad to read the update that he's coming back from his friends and I think a chat is a good idea. Hear him out and let him get his side across and then you can explain where you were coming from.

I hope you can sort it out Op.

oakthorn · 27/12/2017 17:49

Well there is no wonder we are producing a nation of precious little snowflakes. OP you were correct not to reward his appalling behavior. He is 23 not 5, disappointment is a fact of life. Tantrums are for small children not adults. Is he going to have a tantrum every time he isn’t promoted at work or get a new job. Time he grew up.

Dustysparrow · 27/12/2017 17:50

I think half the problem here is that the OP has drip-fed the circumstances when she should have explained the situation in full in her original post. Now it turns out the 'token' gift is an expensive leather jacket, which changes things a bit as up til that point it sounded like his token gift was something crap like a selection pack or deodorant gift set type thing. I actually think a leather jacket is a great gift that a lot of people would be happy with as their main present, which sheds a different light on the son's bad tempered behaviour.

However - I totally agree with others that the OP should have told him about the car to begin with.

I think there is fault on both sides here.

TheHungryDonkey · 27/12/2017 17:51

This is a muddled mess of posting, contradictions and drip feeds. Sounds like an all round communication problem in the family.

Undercoverbanana · 27/12/2017 17:56

Doesn't sound like anyone is mature enough to own a car.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 27/12/2017 18:00

My parents decided on my 30th birthday they would put me through my driving lessons and tests. I passed and was expecting to share their old car with my Dbro I told them it wasn’t partial and it would be better if my dbro has full use of it. They ended up gifting me the money for my own car. I wasn’t eexpecting it but I was certainly grateful. I would never have thrown a tantrum if they didn’t get me a car.

oliveinacampervan · 27/12/2017 18:00

@charliebearr

What the actual F?

Why did you not tell him - on Christmas day - that you had got the car?

Why would not have got it prepared sooner?!

If this is genuine, then you sound cruel and controlling.

Poor lad. Hmm

Well done for ruining Christmas for him! Hmm

A lot of drip feeding from you by the way! Wink

babba2014 · 27/12/2017 18:04

I think it still could have been full of bells and whistles even if you had told him, seeing it wasn't there on the day anyway.
I would say written a card saying your main present awaits. We love you blah blah but it needs a check and it's for your safety.
He would have been excited the same if it turned up the next day seeing he kinda knew about it anyway.

Morphene · 27/12/2017 18:07

yeah...well I guess this is the net result of caring more about enjoying his reaction than you do about his enjoyment of the present....

I blame selfie culture...or maybe I 'm thinking of reaction videos on youtube...anyway I'm sure its all the fault of social media one way or the other...

theftbyfinding · 27/12/2017 18:08

Oh this is one of those scenarios where the gift giver is more invested in the reaction to their gift than making someone happy. I think you handled it all wrong and cannot believe you had no chance at all on Christmas Day to tell him you'd bought him the car.

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2017 18:09

I don't blame you for returning the car, fronting up your dp is unacceptable, swearing at you is also unacceptable. We aren’t talking about a little kid, this is a grown man.
You don’t owe him any presents but sounds like he had a very nice expensive gift to open. I only recieved small somethings after 21 from my parents and he is already doing very nicely.
Don’t let people tell you how cruel and horrid you are. This is a grown man who showed his cards on Christmas Day. He should be respectful to you and dp in your home at all times, not just when he has recieved fabulous gifts.

Unfinishedkitchen · 27/12/2017 18:09

YANBU OP. No child of mine would be receiving a car after swearing at me. There was nothing wrong with waiting for it to be a big surprise. You got him something on the day so it’s not like you forgot about him.

However, where you are at fault is how you’ve raised him because a 23 year old man should not even dare to carry on like that with his own mother of all people. He has massive entitlement and emotional immaturity issues. I’d wager he’s been pampered a fair bit by you. Do you do lots of domestic stuff for him too? Bet you do.

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