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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is it ever ok not to tell someone why your ending friendship?

147 replies

ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 09:43

I’m torn.

OP posts:
AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 27/12/2017 09:44

I'm against Ghosting. However, if it's a siruation where, for instance, your MH is at risk, that's different.

Would you like to tell us a bit more?

svenwhen · 27/12/2017 09:46

Tell them. Don't just slowly remove them out of your life. That's happened to me in the past and I found it so upsetting as I had known her for years.
Sit down and talk to them.

Original poster
ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 09:46

Thanks Allroads

OP posts:
AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 27/12/2017 09:48

I've been on the receiving end of ghosting...it fucking stings!

CosmicSpider · 27/12/2017 09:49

I have ended a friendship by telling the person why and have ghosted another friend in the last.... Telling them was definitely harder but I feel better as the lines are clear. The friend I ghosted appeared on FB a couple of years later abd we had an awkward catch up and it has gone quiet again but I never know if she will initiate contact again. The 'told' friend won't. I have certainty and clear conscience. So, in my experience, it is better to be brave and just say it.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 27/12/2017 09:50

Oops...posted too soon. I've also had to abruptly cut someone out of my life because she caused so much trouble, it brought on a bout of SH. In that situation, I can tell myself she knew exactly why she was given the big A. That's not ghosting.

Wilburissomepig · 27/12/2017 09:50

I think it depends on the circumstances.

I have friends that I used to see a couple of times a week but now see rarely - no big deal, people have changed jobs or gone back to work after having DCs etc. No falling out and no conscious decision made, it was kind of natural progression and when I see them now it's fine.

If it's someone who has been your closest friend for years, then I do think just cutting them out of your life without explanation is quite cruel. An explanation of how you feel may be a horrible thing to do but I think it's a much 'neater' way to end a friendship, for both people.

FlakeBook · 27/12/2017 09:50

Ghosting is usually a cowardly thing to do.

If explaining puts you at risk in some way that's different.

I suppose if they have done something that is obvious to them - slept with your husband, killed your puppy etc then it's not really necessary to explain.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/12/2017 09:51

If it happened to me, I wouldn’t be that bothered because it says more about the ghoster rather than the ghostee. (Personal safety aside).

Original poster
ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 09:53

Thanks all.

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 27/12/2017 09:56

Yes, it is fine to do.

Not everyone is reasonable, or has insight into their own personality and how it can affect the people around them. Explaining things is therefore pointless and can often add to the drama. So if you have decided that someone is no longer going to be your friend, it is quite ok to just gently ease them out of your life without discussion.

Original poster
ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 09:57

I going to have ‘the’ chat. I have ended a friendship abruptly before. I declined a chat as the person involved is very controlling and maniuplutive, I couldn’t handle that.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 27/12/2017 09:57

You need to think about it, I told someone I was ending a friendship politey because they were rude to me all the time. They would call me useless, stupid etc and she was basically a bully. Anyway she started screaming a swearing at me in the street with her face in mine and went on to attack me.
Some people do not take being told straight well.

GoldenBlue · 27/12/2017 09:59

I've been on the receiving end of friend ghosting and 7 years later it still hurts and I still wonder what the issue was. I don't think it's a nice thing to do. It is more honourable to tell them what the problem is

NoParticularPattern · 27/12/2017 10:00

I was ghosted by my best friend last year, the best friend who had just asked me to be godmother to her son. To this day I still have no idea what I did or didn’t do, or why she couldn’t have explained it to me. She went from chatting to me normally one day to the next day me discovering she has vanished- I couldn’t send her any messages and her phone didn’t ring when I tried her. I eventually started to hear of some horrid vicious lies she has spread about me, but thankfully as I had moved away a year or so before (not miles, just another village!) I didn’t have to see a lot of the people who decided to believe her without question. I can’t even tell you how much it hurts to hear people saying horrible things about you prefaced with “oh well told me that...”. If there had been a slow break down or a massive blow out argument it would have been easier, but over a year later I still have no idea what happened. The last message I have from her was a usual “love you” message like we sent each other a lot.

It bloody hurts to find you’ve just been dropped like a stone, and it hurts even more to have absolutely no idea why it’s happened, not even an inkling. An explanation (even if it was absolute bullshit) would have made the situation easier for me.

Wolfiefan · 27/12/2017 10:00

I agree with Wilbur
If the person is someone you see sometimes and you're just drifting apart then no need to make a big deal of it.
If it's a very close friend you should explain.

Wilburissomepig · 27/12/2017 10:10

@NoParticularPattern, what a horrible, cruel thing to do. That must have had such a devastating effect on you, but it does say more about her than it does about you. Flowers

Original poster
ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 10:10

NoP she sounds deranged. Sorry to hear how she treated you. Have you no way to contact her at all. I think I’d want answers.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 27/12/2017 10:11

I think I probably ghosted someone. There was no way I was going to get her to understand what it was about her behaviour which was so hard and I had let it go on for years.

We moved apart so it became easier. I have ignored multiple FB friend requests from her though so I still don’t think she understands.

Original poster
ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 10:12

My therapist thinks its better to tell someone what they have done to hurt you or it eats away at you.

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 10:14

I didn’t ghost an ex best friend years ago and sent them the “Dear John” letter instead.

With hindsight, I think ghosting would have been the better option.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/12/2017 10:16

I think it can be tricky
You are dealing with two perspectives. The friend and the person stepping away.
I had a lovely friend who may well have felt ghosted by me.
In reality I had to stop 'chasing' them. Every single interaction was initiated by me. It began to feel embarrassing.
So I just stopped.
Not out of spite just because it couldn't go on that way.

Other times I have quietly backed away from massive drama queens. I supposed thats a form of ghosting too.

I agree with those who say its not always up to you to explain. If someone is behaving badly why the hell is up to the person stepping away to deal with it?

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 10:17

Generally it's easier on all concerned to let a friendship drift. I'm not in favour of 'difficult conversations' which are usually all about some self-righteous prick quoting therapy-speak at someone who's already tired of them. I'm slightly amazed at how deluded some people are in assuming that you can sit someone down, tell them all their faults and expect them to tearfully thank you for the 'learning experience' rather than tell you to go fuck yourself...
Quite often, friendships come to an end naturally because you're both cheerfully moving on in different directions, so there is no need to be all wanky and self-important about it.
Oh, and if you're the one being ghosted? After a maximum of three tries (to ensure the other person hasn't actually died or been locked up or whatever) suck it up and move on. You are not entitled to pester someone into continuing any kind of contact with you when the person doesn't want to.

TheFirstMrsDV · 27/12/2017 10:17

lady if you need to 'tell' to prevent it eating away at you tell her in a letter you don't send.
Writing it down can be just as cathartic as telling someone to their face and it doesn't have the backlash.

Balibabe1 · 27/12/2017 10:19

I had a similar experience to Pattern, just dropped after years of friendship where in truth I did most of the work. I was godparent to her son and we had witnessed and supported each other in very difficult relationship breakups etc
Her ending it was a message saying I had lied, but refused to elaborate over what? From then on I was ghosted. I couldn’t believe I was not even given the opportunity to defend or refute the allegation of lying and to this day I’m still none the wiser of what I’m being accused of!

Please explain why your ending a friendship, and if you feel face to face is too difficult then message a full reason. I was left feeling exceptionally hurt, on reflection, I did think it explained why she didn’t have friendships over 10 years as she had form for always being a victim of friends that turned against her, I just hadn’t realised it was her doing.