To ask is it ever ok not to tell someone why your ending friendship?

[ladystarkers]

I’m torn.

In the last two years I've been ghosted by one of my closest friends and have no idea why. The problem is, there was always the three of us and it's left the un-ghosted shall we say in an awkward predicament. For example, she won't go to things if I'm there (that's never said outright but will find an excuse before she's meant to arrive, including friends 30th birthday).
I genuinely have no idea what happened and would really like to fix it but feel like as it wasn't my decision I don't really feel as though I should approach it.
I reached out after her GP died and she responded with thanks but it didn't open a line of communication at all. She has never met my son, and used to have to pass my house to get home from work.
It's such a weird feeling. Having gone through it, I don't think I could do it to someone else. Particularly if it's a close friendship and if you have an idea of how they may react.

I was ghosted last year, by one of my oldest friends. If a more recent friend had done it, it'd be easy to move on, but not someone who had been a friend for so long.

This friend is someone whose head I put a (rent free) roof over for almost nine months, when she left a bad relationship. I didn't charge her anything, to enable her to save up the money she'd need once she found a place of her own.

She found her own place, moved in, and within six months of that, I found myself ghosted. So forgive me for wondering why, just months after I had helped her the way I had, she did that to me.

I'll get over it eventually, I'm sure, but right now it still fucking hurts.

Reanimated I think if you read the thread again, you'll notice that many posters have said that a casual acquaintence drifting off is really not the same thing as being ghosted by someone you've been close friends with for many years.

Obviously some people have never really experienced a close friendship over years (this may or may not apply to you, I don't know) so perhaps don't understand the impact of not knowing what's going on may have. I think if one has been asked to be godparent to a child it's safe to guess that they were considered close. Having said that, my friendships are important to me but I get that other people can take it or leave having friends

I have no time for someone that ghosts

I was ghosted about 3 years ago & still don't know why. We had babies at the same time & started off seeing each other weekly at a group which then progressed to going to each other's houses weekly too. I even used a half day of holiday to accompany her to court (custody hearing) then we were meant to meet up one day between Christmas & new year but she just stopped replying to my messages.
I still wonder what happened but I'll never know and that's the hardest part I think.

Just let it drift. No need for the whole song and dance or 'having a chat'.

Interesting thread - I've soon got to deal with a friend I no longer wish to be friends with but I work with so contact is unavoidable.

They're the type of person who doesn't take kindly to hearing that their behaviour is hurtful (which it is, constantly), plays the victim all the damn time. Incidentally, they have become like this over time, and I know exactly what their problem is and that problem is a huge part of why I don't want to be friends with them! If I could ghost, I would, But obvs I can't.

Generally I think it depends on why you don't want to be friends with them anymore. If you drift apart that's not ghosting it's just a natural part of life. If you've a closer, more established relationship it's a different decision.

I think the idea of writing a letter you don't send is a good way to air your feelings without actually sitting down and cataloguing their faults to their face (can that ever be productive?!) and then lessen contact and let them get on with it.

It's horrible when this happens. About 8 years ago all my friends did it to me in a co-ordinated way. I'd seen each of them separately over the previous few weeks and all fine. Met up for dinner, laughed all night, got texts from them after saying what a great night we'd had, must do it again soon etc. Then no one ever answered an email or text again. It was xmas so I sent cards, got nothing back. Thought they must be busy. Didn't occur to me at all that 8 different people i'd know since primary school would do this, so i assumed it was a coincidence. Then weeks went by. Still no answers. I was getting worried that something may have happened so the next time i saw exH i asked him and he looked sheepish and said they'd all told him they 'didn't enjoy my company anymore'. En masse. Nice. I've never seen any of them again to this day. The entire previous 30 years of friendship erased with no hints at all. Every holiday/christmas/wedding/birthday/celebrations etc spent together. I have no memories that don't include them. So now i can't even think back fondly on anything. I felt like my heart had been ripped out.

We thought we had been ghosted by a family member once. Then realised that so had the rest of the family. Turns out that their partner hadn't thought to mention to anyone that the person had been sectioned.
To be honest we knew it wasn't anything we had done, and thought the person might have gone into a depression but even in their depressions there were certain contacts we could expect.
I've had a few friends over the years with mental health problems which affect their friendship functioning so I tend not to take it personally. Now I'm wondering if people have been trying to ghost me and I just didn't notice!

MrsK that's so sad! Do you know why?

I tried to tell a friend once that l was upset over something she did. She looked at me funny and said..are you in the menopause or something? I gave up. I think people always say explain why but no way does anyone want to hear why. I didn't cut her off but didn't bother too much after that.

I'm now ghosting a friend of over 20 years as a last resort.
We have had 'the talk' four times in the last year. I have amended my behaviour around the stuff she found difficult, she has done not a jot, and has actually become more demanding.
From my perspective the friendship cannot be fixed. It's not just romantic/family relationships that can be emotionally abusive.

I've recently ended a friendship, haven't completely ghosted but have ceased making contact and replied only superficially to contact made by the other person. ie if she gets in touch (usually via facebook messenger) to say hi how are you i'll reply but keep it fairly brief and simple.

In many ways I would like to tell her why I am walking away but I fear it would fall on deaf ears as she doesn't really want to know... the whole basis for ending the friendship on my side was because i felt she was insensitive to my needs and feelings preferring to deny and minimise these. This culminated in an incident where she upset me/behaved unreasonably then refused to discuss it. So it would be for my benefit rather than hers, and possibly backfire.

The day she asks me why we are no longer friends, is the day I'll happily provide an honest response but I feel like until that day, I don't owe her a reason and it feels wrong to give one unsolicited. I'm sure in her head she's made it all out to be my fault in any case.

I've been ghosted and had an email detailing why the friendship was ending and neither of them are fantastic tbh. If you really need to outline things, then go for an email or text or conversation. If possible, you could just let the friendship die down a bit and not rush to make appointments or hang out. I think that might be kinder. Not everything needs to have a big final send off.

And there's no good way of saying "I think you're a crap friend".

This thread makes me horribly anxious that the few friends I have will just disappear - is this seriously something people randomly do? It all just sounds utterly cruel, why on earth would you!
Friendship drifting apart is totally different.

Love51 i was going thru a divorce with my ex and we'd all been friends, then it emerged that he was now seeing my best friend. I have 1 mutual friend still (who thinks they are all cunts for what they did) and he says they were just cowards and found the whole situation uncomfortable, they felt guilt for knowing ex had been seeing my best friend for a while (altho i made it clear i wasn't annoyed with them as its a difficult position to be in). i always say ExH got all my childhood friends in the divorce settlement

I once ghosted a friend. I have no regrets. She and DH almost had an affair. I immediately cut contact with her. I've heard from mutual friends that she claims to have no idea why. Which is total bollocks. You can't arrange a secret hotel meet up with a man gen be surprised when his wife no longer speaks to you! I have no doubts about what happened and her part in it. DH and I are working through things.

So yes, I think there are times when it's reasonable.

I was ghosted by my 3 best female friends about 12 years ago. A close male friend of ours, who'd been my best friend for 7 years and a close friend of the 3 other girls for the same period or longer, had been dating a girl we knew from school for 18 months. Of course, over that period, the girl would socialise a lot with us as she was now our friend's partner, and we all got on well and became close to her (despite the fact that she had bullied one of my friends when we were at school 10 year before that, something that the victim had not forgotten and mentioned a few times to me and our 2 other female friends).

Our male friend decided to break up with the girl, no one had cheated, they'd just been rowing and he realised it was probably not going to work. None of us knew he was going to do this. When he did, the 3 girls instantly dropped him and "sided" with the girl whereas stupid naïve I tried to continue friendships with them both, admittedly, more with the guy as he and I were much closer and had been hanging out regularly for years whereas the girl was more of a group friend. My 3 female friends dropped me instantly and when I asked why they said they were disgusted I'd "sided" with him. I definitely hadn't taken sides and had and still have no interest in other people's relationships.

By a year later, they'd all cooled their friendship with the girl as they'd realised they didn't like her much and were accepting of the guy again, to the extent that one friend goes away with him at least once a year to watch sport. But I'm barely tolerated (spoken to with icy politeness if we bump into each other at weddings).

Ghosting is really harsh and hurt me enormously and still hurts now when I remember it.

In the OP's situation, I think it really depends on the circumstances.

I still have the email I got sent by my ex friend listing why she didn't want to continue the friendship. Mind you, she had form for this. I had several emails over the course of our friendship, telling me what I was lacking.

I was her bridesmaid at her wedding. She lived with me twice at least. And my children still ask after her. It hurts like a bitch. I would have been much happier if she had let things drift. I wasn't the kind of friend she wanted.

I can only speak from the perspective of the "done to" but be gentle.

What's worse is how stupid you feel, when you keep emailing and texting normal friendly stuff not realising what they are doing. Then follow the concerned emails hoping they are alright and offering any help if they need it. Then the confused ones 'are you getting these messages'. Then the grovelling ones 'i hope i haven't upset you somehow, please answer me'. Then the final 'i wont bother you again' one. Knowing they've probably been reading them laughing together thinking 'oh its HER again'. You feel like such a fool.

Mrs K that sucks! I wonder if some of them are just going along with the majority, but that even makes it worse. Marriage breaking down and the entire group of friends go against you :( so sorry to hear that.

I've been friend ghosted. She was my bf for years, we had worked together but stayed friends when I left to have my children. She was at the birth of one of my children! I went to her wedding, she asked me to write a poem, which I read out ....and then, nothing.

Apparently I said something to upset her at the wedding, and she felt that she shouldn't have married that man (he turned out to be abusive) and that I should have stopped her. Not really quite sure how, or whether this was just a rationalisation for breaking our friendship because her new husband didn't like her having friends.

Does anyone else wonder how often this 'ghosting' happens because friend has an abusive partner who wants them to be isolated and manages to convince them that you have done something heinous?

I broke my marriage down Love51 so that was entirely my fault. I naively thought it wouldn't affect my friendship group tho. I've changed a lot since then tho. In a way i'm glad it happened as it made me correct a lot of things. I realised i was living a very childish life and hadn't grown up at all. I don't hate them. I don't think you should be friends with people you don't like. I just found the way it as done totally embarrassing and confusing.

I think you have to make a decision based on what you know of the situation OP, and what you feel comfortable with.

It's not really for your therapist to say that you'll feel eaten away at by things left unsaid. Especially not if you think the friend in this situation will be manipulative or twist what you say to her.

From experience with a family member, I would say that offering as little as possible by way of explanation is better than trying to go into detail.

If you were trying to save the friendship, maybe it would be better to raise whatever the issue is so you could both hopefully try to resolve things. But as you seem certain that you want to end it, what is the point in airing issues or grievances and then walking away anyway?

I spent far too much time trying to explain my hurt feelings to someone who didn't care and twisted everything I said.

I've found it much better to adopt the broken record technique now and just say things like "We have been through this before, if you don't understand now you never will" or "I have made my decision, you don't have to understand it but you do have to respect it."

Maybe that might be the way to go, if your ex-friend asks for an explanation, just say that you don't feel it will be helpful to go into everything, you feel that the friendship isn't working for you or has run its course, and you'd prefer to leave things without argument or accusations. Then repeat as necessary.

MrsKoala - what they did is very unkind, I’m so sorry