Page 2 | To ask is it ever ok not to tell someone why your ending friendship?

evilharpy · 27/12/2017 10:20

TheFirstMrsDV I also ended a friendship where every interaction was initiated by me. I realised that the friend only ever contacted me when she wanted something. Any sort of meeting up etc was always at my suggestion. I wondered what would happen if I stopped being the first one to get in contact. And I never heard from her again other than about eight months later when she wanted something. I said no, can't do that, sorry. And never heard from her again.

I didn't really consider it to be ghosting. If she'd got in touch to say fancy lunch/a drink/whatever I'd have happily gone along with it. But she didn't.

Original poster

ladystarkers · 27/12/2017 10:20

I agree with those who say its not always up to you to explain. If someone is behaving badly why the hell is up to the person stepping away to deal with it?

^^
This strikes a cord and makes me think, why should I explain, they are behaving badly. If they want to know then they could ask me?

OP posts:

KERALA1 · 27/12/2017 10:22

Totally agree with every word sgb wrote.

Bridechilla · 27/12/2017 10:24

Unless it's an incredibly abrupt end to the friendship eg. dropping regular meets, then I don't see the point telling them. Feels rather childish IMO. "I don't want to be you friend anymore because..." what's it going to achieve?! Friendships fade, it's not a big deal.

I've semi ghosted someone in the past. There was a mutual stalemate and when she tried to initiate the friendship a few months down the line I'd moved on. A simple text saying I wasn't going to meet, that was enough. I don't get the whole schooling thing, feels very indulgent.

ShatnersWig · 27/12/2017 10:24

A very good friend continually cancelled on me last minute. I withdrew slightly from the friendship and stopped making any arrangements to meet up and it became very text-based. After some months she flat out asked me if she'd upset me, so I told her. She said she totally understood, had been a shit friend, was very upset she'd upset me and promised to get things back to where they were and would make more effort as she valued my friendship hugely.

It fell back into precisely the same pattern. On my birthday, I invited a couple of people out for drinks, including her. A mutual friend said "why did you bother, you know she will cancel?" And sure enough, half an hour before, she cancelled.

It was always work - she was single with no children - and while I appreciate her job could be like that, when it happens to you continually, and yet other people don't seem to be so unlucky, you pretty much assume they don't really want to be bothered with you.

A present was delivered to my office the next day but I was pissed off. I cut her out totally and utterly. I didn't explain why. It should have been self evident having already explained previously.

Bumped into her 18 months later and exchanged a few pleasantries. She wasn't happy about life. I reached out to her by text that night. Suffice it to say that since then, our friendship has been the strongest it has ever been, she has never cancelled anything since, has been there for me through thick and thin - when other friends who I would have considered closer weren't - and is now very much my best friend.

So you never know which method is best or what the result may be.

Wilburissomepig · 27/12/2017 10:24

Generally it's easier on all concerned to let a friendship drift. I'm not in favour of 'difficult conversations' which are usually all about some self-righteous prick quoting therapy-speak at someone who's already tired of them. I'm slightly amazed at how deluded some people are in assuming that you can sit someone down, tell them all their faults and expect them to tearfully thank you for the 'learning experience' rather than tell you to go fuck yourself...

Easier for who though? I would never assume that it would happen as you decribe, that sounds like a film. If you're telling someone you don't want to be their friend because they've been an arsehole towards you then you can expect harsh words to be exchanged, but sometimes you have to just deal with that.

Ghosting is a shit and cowardly thing to do, unless not doing so would put someone at risk.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 10:24

Generally it's easier on all concerned to let a friendship drift. I'm not in favour of 'difficult conversations' which are usually all about some self-righteous prick quoting therapy-speak at someone who's already tired of them. I'm slightly amazed at how deluded some people are in assuming that you can sit someone down, tell them all their faults and expect them to tearfully thank you for the 'learning experience' rather than tell you to go fuck yourself...

I agree with you.

And once upon a time I was that person who sent the letter - minus the therapy-speak - detailing the other person’s faults (obv only in relation to their interactions with me). They’d really pissed me off and I sent the letter.

And we’ve never spoken since and probably never will again. No great loss but could be potentially awkward in the unlikely event we ever run into each other at social events.

I’m definitely a fan of ghosting.

KERALA1 · 27/12/2017 10:25

Some friendships gently move on - no drama or fault.

I had a lovely friendship when I had a tricky time in early 20s ( split from long term bf, career uncertainty). When things all turned out well realised my friend at the time was a "rescuer" and moved on from me to a girl with a heart condition.

Wilburissomepig · 27/12/2017 10:28

I don't think it's easier on the person who is being ghosted at all. There are posters on here who have said they still have no idea why they have been ghosted. That doesn't strike me as being easy on them.

MrsBobDylan · 27/12/2017 10:29

I was ghosted then she called me to meet and did the big reveal over what I had 'done' wrong'. Frankly, she was a bit nuts and I preferred the ghosting over being told.

I am a big fan over accepting it's over and moving on!

Devilishpyjamas · 27/12/2017 10:31

I have no capacity for drama in my life. Just move on. If the friend notices and asks about it then you can have a conversation and why you’ve not been in touch. But unless someone has done something truly awful it’s worth always leaving the door slightly open imo. Your lives may change and you may become friends again.

Tillymintsmama · 27/12/2017 10:31

is 'ghosting' where you just stop calling/texting and meeting up and don't explain why? I've done this probably, but then they have too because it's usually a 'drift apart' type thing. I think female friendships are underestimated in terms of the grief that can be experienced when they end

Wilburissomepig · 27/12/2017 10:33

I was ghosted then she called me to meet and did the big reveal over what I had 'done' wrong'. Frankly, she was a bit nuts and I preferred the ghosting over being told.

I am a big fan over accepting it's over and moving on!

But you must have wanted to know what happened for you to go and meet with her in the first place?

SlickBubbles · 27/12/2017 10:39

I've done both - and had both done to me. I ghosted in that I kept getting let down, fed up of initiating contact etc, so let it go and go, and after six weeks or so of nothing, removed them from FB etc. Never heard anything from them.

Last year I tried stepping back from a group. I tried to ghost in that I felt it would be easier. but one of them (the main issue) was like a bull dog with a wasp. She wouldn't let it lie, on group messages, so I was honest. Lost all five friendships (would have happily continued two or three separately) but 18 months on I don't miss them or regret it. The friendships needed ending, my life had changed.

JustDanceAddict · 27/12/2017 10:47

I was ghosted by a friend 14 year ago. I had no idea why, we’d spoken and then she never returned my calls/texts. I did bump into her a few years ago and it was like seeing a long-lost friend - she hugged me etc but we didn’t get a chance to speak about what happened. We had no mutual friends so there was no way of ever finding out what happened! I say you need to tell the person even if you have to sugar coat it. Easy to lose touch if they were never a good friend, but if you e shared a lot of history (we had) it is gutting.

MiraiDevant · 27/12/2017 10:48

I have been ghosted - it is humiliating. It is also not good to be told how awful you are. How you handle it depends on the circumstances.

A good friend got "the letter" from another friend for whom she had done everything including given her a home when her marriage broke up and she needed somewhere to stay fast, 10 years ago it still hurts. Really hurts. Much of what was said was unfair. Some was true but a symptom of the tough time she was having. Years later it all seems irrelevant - who said what to whom when. It still hurts though

ReanimatedSGB · 27/12/2017 10:50

The sort of people who whine about being 'ghosted' (outside of when it's a matter of a close, longterm contact suddenly being hugely unavailable with no explanation) are usually overestimating their own importance to the other person. If it's a casual acquaintance or someone you haven't known for very long and they seem to not be in a great rush to make contact with you, or don't 'like' as many of your social media posts as much as you think you deserve, then FFS leave things alone unless you want a sharp rebuff from someone who just hasn't got the time or inclination to pursue a friendship and/or has detected potential neediness/whinyarsery on your side and is backing off.

AJPTaylor · 27/12/2017 10:58

It depends totally on the nature of the relationship. I had a friend who drank heavily, was mildly racist. I just stopped contacting and binned them off facebook. Only years later did i discover that the friendship meant more to her than to me. But at the time i was flat out busy with work kids etc and final straw she was insulting to my dsis and made some pa comments on fb. In hindsight it may have been better for her if i had told her.

svenwhen · 27/12/2017 11:00

Ladystarkers, that changes everything. If they've behaved badly then no I don't think I'd want to 'sit down and chat'

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 27/12/2017 11:03

"Whining about being ghosted"...really?

I have every right to feel hurt when the woman I looked upon as my sister was telling me she loved me less than 12 hours before blocking me on all SM, not answering any texts, etc. I heard later on the grapevine that her husband didn't like me any more.

JustDanceAddict · 27/12/2017 11:08

Mine was def a long-term close fridndship. I won’t go into details but it was a case of her being contactable/available and then not. We were about to invite each other to mutual celebrations. Very weird!
I have also experienced the other side when I was 17 from my then best friend. I found out what she really thought of me(!), her life was her new boyfriend, etc. She did get back in touch with me a few years later and we met a few times, with respective partners too (same Boyf), but I prob let it drift then as we didn’t really have much in common. That was more of a not bothering to call & nor did she!! I think that’s different to not answering phones/texts etc.

Ethereum · 27/12/2017 11:09

Big difference between being ghosted and a friendship ‘drifting’. Ghosting is too abrupt and can be very damaging.

A gentle way is just responding ‘I’m a bit busy at the moment - life’s hectic!’ if someone asks if you want to meet up. Eventually the other person will just stop asking but from experience the way it feels to be the one dropped is a lot different when you get a response - no matter how short - then the anguish it can cause when you had nothing.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/12/2017 11:09

I'm slightly amazed at how deluded some people are in assuming that you can sit someone down, tell them all their faults and expect them to tearfully thank you for the 'learning experience' rather than tell you to go fuck yourself...

Yep, I'm with you SGB. Same when people suggest Ooh write them a letter telling them how hurt/disappointed/angry you feel. Talk about only being able to see things from your own perspective! On what planet do people sit quietly and patiently while another lists their personality flaws and every perceived slight they've ever allegedly committed?

It might all sound great in theory but in reality it's quite likely you'd be considered a deranged drama llama even if it's all true. Because everyone else always thinks they are in the right, it's kind of a thing with people, thinking they're right... Sending a letter is worse by the way, that's just evidence written down (by you helpfully) to be used against you

Of course ghosting isn't nice but think about it - on MN anyone who has ever ghosted somebody did it for excellent reasons, "he/she was a dick" is what they all amount to and other posters agree that yes, there was little option but to ghost them. Yet also on MN anyone who has ever been ghosted is a lovely, decent, kind, wonderful person who can't think of anything they possibly could have done. So that's a head scratcher isn't it?

IrkThePurist · 27/12/2017 11:31

My therapist thinks its better to tell someone what they have done to hurt you or it eats away at you

Thats an odd thing for a therapist to say. Many of us are able to let things go and move on without needing therapy. There isn't always hurt when a relationship ends, sometimes you just grow apart. Or one of you does.

Basseting · 27/12/2017 11:33

If it is a distant friendship that has 'moved on' or the other person is behaving disrespectfully then perhaps it can drift

But any sort of close friend you value deserves to know why.
If you cannot face 'the drama' then send a letter.
'Ghosting' is hugely cowardly, imo.