To ask is it ever ok not to tell someone why your ending friendship?

[ladystarkers]

I’m torn.

@apoppetonastring
That sounds like an extreme and bizarre reaction to a friend ghosting you. Have you sought help for it? I think you may benefit from counselling.

Uncalled for. Have you ever been ghosted by someone you considered a close friend? It's horrendous. It happened to me over 2 years ago and only now am I getting back my confidence to make new friends. When it happened I ended up basically only going to work and the supermarket for 6 months. I cried every day. I couldn't face going anywhere because she might be there and she would blank me. Or meeting with my other friends because guess what, they were mutual friends, and the shame I felt was overwhelming. Shame in not knowing what grevious thing I had done wrong. Shame in not being confident enough to brush it off. Shame in investing emotionally into this person who I thought would be a friend for life and making such a huge mistake.

About 8 months in I found myself wishing I had never met her. That's when I started to turn the corner in understanding it, it said more about her that she could treat me that way, than it did about me.

Recently I had the courage to actually tell my side of the story to a mutual friend for the first time, having sworn her to secrecy of course. Her comment was firstly to say she had no idea how upset I'd been by it. The second comment was that this person was apparently well known for picking up and dropping friends abruptly. Something I didn't know as I was new to the friendship group when it all started.

The sense of relief I felt was immense.

You describe this person as "thick skinned". Has it occurred to you that they are loyal? Committed to their friendships? Worried about you because you've suddenly disappeared?

No doubt my ex friend thought I was thick skinned because I wouldn't take the hint. I was totally mystified, worried for her, paranoid, lost.

It still hurts like hell but I know I'll never make that mistake again of getting close to someone without waiting a very long time to judge their character through their actions, over a lengthy period of time. So I have to be glad.

I have ghosted someone - I had to for my mental health. She had undiagnosed MH issues imho (not a professional but there were problems let’s just say) so I was getting upwards of 25 texts a day with phone calls on top if I didn’t respond ‘in time’ y’know if I was at work...
anyway, I tried to do the slow fade, but she just held on tighter, I tried to let her down gently (cue suicide threats) and in the end all I could do was block her across the board. It felt awful, but i really believe it was her or me MH wise. Dreading your phone lighting up, waking up to 10 messages with increasing levels of hysteria if I had a lie in, going for a night out and taking a call in a loud nightclub toilet about her latest drama. No. I couldn’t do it any more.
So yeah, I believe there are reasons to abruptly ghost someone, and for those advocating telling her - I don’t know what her reaction would have been, but seeing as she threatened suicide over a missed phone call, I wasn’t willing to risk it. I know she’s sought treatment since, and I know she’s in a much better place as we had mutual friends, and I’m happy for her, but we couldn’t be friends at that point in her life.
Op, do what you need to do. Friends should add to your life, not be a constant drain. We all need support but when you’re being treated like the Samaritans 24/7 then something needs to give.
Good luck

@apoppetonastring

Apologies, I see you were referring to a pp who called the ex friend thick skinned. Ignore that!

I ghosted someone who had been my best friend in my college. I hadn't meant to. I was suffering from stress, signed off from work and was taking anti-depressants. She wanted to go out but I wasn't up for it, and she had been very scathing about another of her friends with depression so I just ignored her messages when she wouldn't take no for an answer. In the year leading up to that she'd really changed into a bitter person, no empathy or thought for anyone else at all. She'd invite me to go somewhere or do something but when we met up she'd change her mind to do something she wanted, and moan if we did something of my choice. The last time I'd seen her it had been really awful, just spouting hate and misery for hours.

I changed my phone and lost her number, though I did try and call her home once and got no answer. I still dream about bumping into her. I wish I hadn't just stopped responding, but at the time I had no alternative because she just wouldn't listen or understand.

I've been ghosted and I was hurt by the end of the friendship but in all honestly I prefer that to whatever 'explanation' I would have been given.

I had a friend who I suppose I did technically ghost after a long time of turning down invites but I feel I had good reasons. It began when I had a missed miscarriage, I ended up having 2 erpc’s and a hysteroscopy over the space of 5 months during which I became depressed and hated myself. She knew most of this and when I saw her for lunch and told her everything she consoled me by saying “me and (her dh) have decided to start trying”. She then sent a text announcing her pregnancy (which I never got) and I only realised when she told me she had bad morning sickness. Once the baby was born I asked how she was via text and she said they were “enjoying being a little family together”. This was pretty tactless but the final straw was when something horrific happened and when I told her (via text as I couldn’t speak about it), she said “sorry. That’s so sad. Guess it’s one of those things you never get over. Yes still enjoying tea and cake with my mummy friends.” Someone who then never sent a condolence card or cared enough to ask how I was after that I felt didn’t deserve my friendship as she clearly thought that was an appropriate way to act. I just couldn’t even put into words how hurt I was by her that I just put her off and put her off and eventually blocked her as I couldn’t bear getting the texts about her perfect life. I suspect she had a mutual friend call me after a year or so and I told him everything hoping that the penny may drop.

I often think about bumping into the friends now and i just think i'd still want to hug them and say it's okay. I feel sad they felt they had to do that. I feel sad i felt more about our friendship than they did. I feel sad for all of us really.

As i said, i just can't give that much of me away ever again. I don't think i'll ever let myself be that vulnerable. My Mum said that she thinks i've just been sad since it all happened. And she's right. Something inside my soul changed. Not just the ghosting of course. But my divorce at the same time. I was also made redundant and homeless too. I really hit rock bottom and was suicidal. I had a major personality change - for the better i think! But it was hard.

Mrskoala that’s so sad, and definitely different to my experience with my friend.**

I wish you well and happiness for the future.**

I can't think of a situation where it would be ok.

I was ghosted and it really affected me. I'd invested so much time and and energy despite going through hell myself at the time. It was awful in that I didn't even realize she was ghosting me yet and thought she was just busy. I still bought her and her (bully) child gifts before the penny dropped; which is upsetting and embarassing. I became quite angry as i'd put up with so much shit for so long despite my own serious difficulties, so being chewed up and spat out without any explanation was deeply hurtful. We had a lot of mutual meetups and it resulted in me becomming very isolated. I went through a stalker/abuse situation (a new friend who became very obsessed) and after these situations I've not made another friend, i can't trust my instincts or other people after what they both turned out to be.

These stories are so sad. I was ghosted by a best friend and a friend. BF walked out of my house one night, took me off Facebook and hasn't spoken to me since (nearly two years ago). Second woman, I closely worked with, changed jobs and she took me off Facebook. And then my ex who ghosted me at the airport. Haven't heard from him since, either. That was this year.

I think it really depends on the situation. I have ghosted a couple of people - one, a friend who was going to be homeless between rental properties for 5 weeks. I was living in a house share at the time, we had an unoccupied room and I said she could crash in it and we agreed an amount she'd contribute towards the bills before she came over.

She knew I was skint (working in retail at the time) and as soon as she got there all she did was complain about being in the house and want to go out for dinner and drinks all the time (she was working at the time). I declined and she'd huff and puff. The pre-arranged money for the bills never materialised, she always had some excuse as to why she couldn't pay it and by the time she left she hadn't contributed a penny. When she text me a few weeks later saying she missed me I ignored it and we haven't spoken since.

The second person was a friend who was the kind of guy who'd cut you off mid sentence to talk about himself. I could literally be sat there telling him something quite serious or upsetting and he'd interrupt to talk about his job or make a joke. He was so tight (but from a really rich family) that he insisted on splitting a £5 Uber fare. He also told me he thought I shouldn't tell my friends I'd been sexually assaulted by someone in my industry because they'd probably not believe me.

Both times I just got royally fed up of these people's shitty traits and stopped contacting them. I was also ghosted by someone after we went for a drink and seemed to get on really well (a woman, not a date, we met as friends after becoming aware of each other through work) and I don't really know why she didn't want to continue the friendship but I just shrugged and accepted it and moved on.

I think if it was a long term close friend and there was no wrongdoing it would be really hurtful to ghost but equally hurtful to tell them you simply don't want to be friends anymore, so I'm not sure what the best thing is. If it's someone who's treated you badly, often explaining to them why and how they hurt you is pointless especially if they have narcissistic tendencies as they'll simply believe they're right and it won't occur to them to do any self reflection. If someone hit me with a big explanation of all my personality flaws, I'd of course be indignant and hurt and defensive but I'd also be asking myself some serious questions about my conduct and whether any of the criticism was valid, I'm surprised at the people who say it wouldn't occur to them to self reflect. That in itself is fairly narcissistic!

WhenLoveAndCakeCollide

you never know (sounds brutal but can be life) whether she may be useful to you at some point in future.

If my 'ghoster' ever decides I'm useful again, and turns up at my door, she'll be firmly told to fuck off.

What I meant was not ghosting - I was suggesting a fade rather than a cold ghost - so first it wouldn't be a ghost.

Second, the "being useful" maybe a two way street - for example kids attending after school club together and you both live near each other - so its "useful" to you both to alternate lifts and let bygones rest. If you've done a full on ghost or "explanation" this is unlikely to be recoverable.

That was my whole point - you just never know what the future holds so it pays not to be overtly rude or blanketly end officially a relationship.

Remain your reply is exactly what I wanted to say but not articulate enough to write!

I have been ghosted too. I had what I thought was a very good close friend but as we had moved apart and were both busy it was usually just a few messages now and then and we only saw each other once in a blue moon. I felt like it was one of those friendships where we could always pick up where we left off.

A few years ago I messaged her and got no response and when I joined Facebook sometime later I added her. When it first got rejected I thought it was a Facebook error, so I added her again Nope.. got rejected again.
Last year I built up the courage to send her a message to ask if I had upset her and that it was quite upsetting to me that we had somehow got to a point of not even being able to be Facebook friends!
She replied that she thought it was odd that I was messaging her asking about this and no I didn't do anything to upset her but time has moved on and she would rather just leave it at that

I am still baffled. No idea why things have to be like that!

I agree with ReanimatedSGB
I have written 'the letter' to my first bff and in hindsight it was way too hurtful for her and totally unnecessary as we had both moved to other countries anyway so could have drifted away gracefully. It has to be said that my teenage bff for incredibly overbearing, dominant yet very, very needy both with me as well as the boys / men in her life. She came fem a quite privileged family yet was a bit messed up with a huge need to impose her will on everyone. I had to free myself from her to develop into an adult. I still feel I should have never written the letter because frankly why should she be interested in my stream of consciousness pointing out why I can't be friends any longer....

I have once been ditched by a very dear close friend and flatmate who I loved very much but who had got in with the wrong crowd (for me). She went through several years of trailing a bastard guy who was into coke and all sorts and whom she was madly in love with (unreciprocated). She ditched me because she thought I was flirting with that horrible guy she was obsessed with yuck. And once I was ghosted by a colleague who I had become quite good friends with. She just stopped returning my calls and I never saw her again as she moved to another part of the country. That really hurt especially as I had just given birth and could not think of a single thing I may have done to annoy her. Her husband told mine that she had form of ghosting.

All things considered I am for a gentle ghosting if you feel your personalities don't match and if the other person affect your life and welling negatively. Let them down gently but don't wast your time on relationships that cause only trouble for you.

I ghosted someone. She pretends and whinges to others that she did nothing wrong. Thing is, those others actually know what she did wrong as she does it to them as well. She can pretend all she likes she doesn’t know what she did but she continually and unapologetically used me in every possible way so I do not owe her an explanation. The relief at no longer dealing with her manipulative selfish user behaviour is immense.

I've read through all of the "I've ghosted someone" posts, and in (IMO) every one of those situations, it was clearly needed in order to preserve MH or whatever...I think that is when ghosting is ok! (Not very good at explaining myself, usually someone comes and posts something afterwards, and I think "yeah, that!" 😃)

Not the friend I posted about up there ^^ but I was ghosted back in April. Hope you don't mind me sharing...may be long.

I ended a friendship back in March after an argument, with (fake names from now on) Alice. Alice and I had a mutual friend, Lynn.

Alice suffers from paranoia. She started getting spam in her email inbox. (If she'd just googled it, she would have seen it's a regular thing. The "why have you blocked me on whatsapp?" thing.) She thought it was me, and started getting other "signs" that I was stalking her, etc. (Anyone who knows me in RL will be pissing themselves laughing by now...I'm a gobshite. No need for sneaky shit.)

Alice confided in Lynn. I've known Lynn for six years, and she's one of the few people I've "let in".

Lynn believed every word! She iced me. I had NO clue what I'd done. The worst thing about ghosting is the not knowing! You're worried they're in a ditch somewhere, or something horrific has happened.

You then find out they're alive and well, and the worry turns to you. What horrible thing have you unknowingly done?

I didn't find out the reason why until I got back in touch with Alice in July. She'd been receiving intense therapy, and sent me an email to "confess". I forgave her. We are slowly getting back on track. Her paranoia was part of the reason we split in the first place- she accused me of something else. At least now I know that the "true" her doesn't think I'm a horrible person.

Lynn, on the other hand...if she got back in touch again, she'd hit ice. I don't want anyone in my life who has known me for six years and still thinks I could be capable of that.

Sorry if that was War and Peace!

She pretends and whinges to others that she did nothing wrong

She probably genuinely believes this! Some people are so far up their own butts, they think they're Practically Perfect In Every Way! So the issue is obviously yours! (In their heads...I don't believe that.)

It strikes me that if you are unwilling to tell someone why, your reasons aren't that good

Not necessarily. Depends on how you think the other person will react.

Also on how it's done. Someone saying 'look this upset me" is one thing and if they're kinda right, you can adapt or say sorry. But a lengthy exposition on all your faults tends to piss anyone off. Had it done to me by a family member, 6 months of extremely lengthy emails with lots of interesting adjectives. Now she wants contact again. No thank you.

If you have to think about whether to ghost someone or not then you should probably not do it as that person means enough to you for you to consider their feelings.

So there is a risk of you feeling guilt long term over doing it, the ghosting that is.

I don't see why you can't come up with some reason concerning yourself to finish the friendship - anxiety/ health/ family commitments/ your relationship rekindling a previous difficult time etc etc rather than listing their faults. You want out of the relationship, not to hurt them.

Ive been ghosted recently.

Close friend of 2 years, she has had some MH issues and had been very demanding and needy. ALso very very controlling with family and with me, very self absorbed. ANd Ive been there for her, despite having a soap opera life with 4 teens...

Had a situation where she was plotting some controlling behaviour and I called her on it, telling her she was being "A teeny bit unreasonable" - well she accused me of all sorts and froze me out. I contacted her a couple of times after via text and FB but shes only responded once and I think - Oh sod off. And I walked away. I think she is waiting for me to grovel, (she has form) but I'm done.

Because in this time, my teen DS has announced his teen GF is pregnant, my mother has had a brain tumour diagnosed and removed in a country with no NHS - And they dont have insurance. I could have used a friend these last 2 weeks, and she is playing games. I am worth so much more than that, so I've walked away too.