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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Today was our "Christmas" and it suddenly went badly wrong

108 replies

snowsnowsnowsnow · 26/12/2017 22:36

DH and I had our Christmas today with our 2 children (my DS and DSD both 7) as they were with their other families yesterday. Stocking opening, present giving, close family visiting this afternoon all went really well and all happy; open plan so I was cooking roast for our meal to all eat together and joining in as much as possible. Lovely, even better than we could have hoped for and thought all happy.

Extended family left and we sat down to our meal ... DSD starts crying and wouldn't say what the problem was so she leaves the table with her dad so he can find out what is the matter. I kept theirs warm (half served) and after 10 mins said DS could start slowly and I was sure they would be along soon. DSD came back and sat down and ate a few potatoes and some chicken but DH called from another room that he wasn't hungry any more and didn't want any.

Had no idea what was going on but was a bit cross as awkward and unhappy meal; encouraged them to pull their crackers. Pretty much abandoned the table after. DSD went to the study where DH was and the door was shut.

DS went to play with his lego and I tidied up - I was really cross by now as had no idea what was going on and why DSD had been so upset.

Anyway, DH eventually tells me after the children have gone to bed that DSD's mother had said some things yesterday to upset her - I don't know what exactly but something about me he wouldn't talk to me about it and as refused to discuss this further and gone to bed.

I am really sad that DSD was upset but really pissed off that he didn't come back to the table to encourage normality for the children and show some solidarity and stability. DS was upset too after all this and couldn't understand what had happened.

I was not OW btw.

I just feel sad and rejected - as if he is backing her mother's disapproval of me/us.

How am I going to support DSD and DS tomorrow with such an awkward atmosphere?

OP posts:

NSEA · 26/12/2017 22:41

Yeah he handled it badly. He won’t want you to know the criticism but he needs to share everything. However, he may have got his daughter to open up by promising not to tell you. So rock amd hard place.

He needs to be the adult. Tell her it’s unnecessary criticism from her mother and get back on witht the day. Why did he act like that?

ADishBestEatenCold · 26/12/2017 22:44

"I just feel sad and rejected - as if he is backing her mother's disapproval of me/us."

He may not have intended to do that, but that is exactly what his actions did. He excluded you (and very importantly, also your child) for the rest of the day.

I think you have to explain that to him. Explain how it made you feel, how it affected your child, and how much it prevented you from supporting your DSD.

Ask him if that was his intent?

RainbowWish · 26/12/2017 22:45

Could you try sit with your dsd. She may open up to you if you are both alone.

youngnomore · 26/12/2017 22:50

In don’t get why he had to ruin your and your ds day because of what your dsd mum said. How thoughtless.

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2017 22:58

He (DH) may have been upset himself or on the phone to his ex. Is this your first Christmas together?

Witchend · 26/12/2017 23:00

Sounds like he was really upset by what was said too.
Yes he probably should have come through and faked it, but maybe he felt he wasn't able to, and would spoil it if he came through too.

Bambamber · 26/12/2017 23:02

Sounds like the situation really upset him and he didn't handle it in the right way. Have a chat and reiterate that you're a team and you can deal with these things together as a family

Original poster

snowsnowsnowsnow · 26/12/2017 23:05

Thanks for your replies.

I will be happy and breezy in front of the children but I know he is just going to shut me out (not my DS, they have a very good relationship).

Hopefully I will get some time with DSD alone so will just wait and see.

It all feels so bloody pointless

OP posts:

LostSight · 26/12/2017 23:12

You say you know he’s going to shut you out. It sounds like there are problems in your relationship. Horrible way to behave. However upset he was, he ultimately ruined Christmas dinner for everyone. Does he often disappear in an awkward fashion? Was he upset... or is he a sulker?

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 23:18

if this is how he responds to anything his Ex says.. then I'd suggest your relationship is .. as you say.. pretty pointless.. because by his own actions.. his Ex can destroy your relationship whenever she chooses.. Fuck that .. he needs to man up and stop behaving like a DICK

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2017 23:18

Difficult day OP, so sorry

You anticipate him shutting you out. Has that been his response in the past when you've disagreed about something?

You haven't done anything wrong. He's chosen to let what his ex said ruin your Christmas day. That's not okay. He needs to find a way to deal with things better, he's one of two adults in your household and he's behaving like a child when it's his job to step up, protect your home and your shared children from crap from the ex and, today, to keep the show on the road. He could have stepped away with DSD, had a chat and given her a cuddle and then you could all have got on with a nice meal and presents and fun.

Blending families and step parenting are no walk in the park and from experience the only one it stands a chance is when you're a strong, solid, mutually supportive team.

How are things generally? If the only way things will be okay is if you can both be honest and open and on the same side. If the only way things are okay is you breezily faking it because he's throwing a strop then I feel for you and it doesn't sound great.

Ginkypig · 26/12/2017 23:21

If it were me I'd be telling him straight that you are in a relationship and have chosen to become a (blended) family unit therefore keeping you in the dark is not on and not coming back to the table and leaving you to "blind" parent won't be tolerated.

Either you are a unit or you are separate parents who happen to spend some time with the other partners child occasionally and if it's the latter then that will change things.

Being a step parent is hard enough without adding fucking cryptic secrets and melodramatic reactions.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 23:26

Being a step parent is hard enough without adding fucking cryptic secrets and melodramatic reactions

agreed.. his behaviour was appalling OP I feel for you poor DS .. sat there wondering what the hell was going on....

ByeByePrivacy · 26/12/2017 23:26

Wow, yes he shouldn't have acted that way in front of anyone, and of course you need to know what was said to be able to deal with this. As a grown up. DSD clearly needs some support and must have been very hard for her to be sent back to the table alone and she will have thought she said something wrong being honest with your DH with the way he reacted almost punishing her as well. I'd tell him (after waking him up) that he needs to tell you what was said and what the plan is for tomorrow.

gillybeanz · 26/12/2017 23:31

I'd have gone into study and told him to come out, followed him to bed and made him talk.
But never been with such a dick.
It doesn't matter that it's a blended family, it's the family unit that's important and he's not part of it at all.

Homemenu1 · 26/12/2017 23:32

He doesn't get to act like that, he's doesn't get to stone wall you, and then you (who hasn't a clue what's going on) has to take this emotional work load and be bright and breezy tomorrow.

He needs to learn to Communicate pretty fast, rather than playing this silly game.

How dare he not come back to the table

Homemenu1 · 26/12/2017 23:33

Is he asleep? I'd think I'd go and wake the fucker now

froshiechipandbrickie · 27/12/2017 00:09

That’s extremely unreasonable (of him!)

But did he stay away because that’s what his ex wife wanted or because he was so upset about what DSD told him that he needed to sort his thoughts before dealing with it / talking with her about it after she had eaten? That obviously doesn’t justify it at all but would be different, wouldn’t it?

Original poster

snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 00:49

No, 3rd Christmas together. He is asleep and cant wake him up as there would be a terrible row which would wake up the children. Worse.

froshie - I think because he felt he was too upset and not because of what ExW would want but it still isn't showing a united front and has made me feel as if I am to blame; not sure what for.

Yes being a step-parent can be so hard; situations arise which can be incredibly difficult to handle so as not to upset the children. Most of the time we seem to get it right. It is easier for him to "parent" DS (we seem to be on the same page for that most of the time) than for me to do the same with DSD. She and I have a very good relationship most of the time.

DH and I have an amazing relationship most of the time too.I just don't get the stonewalling and hate the atmosphere it creates.

OP posts:

IsabellaDMC · 27/12/2017 01:13

Is it possible DSD told him with the caveat that he mustn't tell you?

Step-parenting must be so hard, and I'm eternally grateful to my step-parents who did their best despite the crap christmas presents yesterday.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2017 01:16

cant wake him up as there would be a terrible row which would wake up the children

I just don't get the stonewalling and hate the atmosphere it creates.

OP love, this is not an amazing relationship

Shadow666 · 27/12/2017 01:27

I agree, there are problems here. He ruined your Christmas and all the hard you put into it. Why did he do that? It’s nothing to do with his Ex. He chose the way he behaved. I think you need to reflect on things more.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2017 01:29

I just think it's terribly unfair to tell someone that another person said something horrible about them and then say "but I'm not telling you what it is". Even so, I don't know why it made him 'off' with you. Whatever it was may have been upsetting to him, but I find it odd that he treated you so badly. Much more normal to say "Ex told DSD something shitty about you and it's upset her. I told her it wasn't true/nice/whatever fits. I'm sorry but I promised her not to repeat it to you, I hope you understand".

TBH, the only thing I can possibly think of that would cause this level of upset would be that the ex told DSD that you are either cheating on him or had in the past. Obvs not saying it's true, but what else could it be?

blueskypink · 27/12/2017 01:32

How incredibly and deeply nasty to not join in the family Xmas meal. And ridiculous to not give you an idea of what the problem is. He sounds like a total arse.

ButchyRestingFace · 27/12/2017 01:43

I am really sad that DSD was upset but really pissed off that he didn't come back to the table to encourage normality for the children and show some solidarity and stability

That’s a really poor show. Poor you and your son (and stepdaughter).

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