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Original poster

Today was our "Christmas" and it suddenly went badly wrong

108 replies

snowsnowsnowsnow · 26/12/2017 22:36

DH and I had our Christmas today with our 2 children (my DS and DSD both 7) as they were with their other families yesterday. Stocking opening, present giving, close family visiting this afternoon all went really well and all happy; open plan so I was cooking roast for our meal to all eat together and joining in as much as possible. Lovely, even better than we could have hoped for and thought all happy.

Extended family left and we sat down to our meal ... DSD starts crying and wouldn't say what the problem was so she leaves the table with her dad so he can find out what is the matter. I kept theirs warm (half served) and after 10 mins said DS could start slowly and I was sure they would be along soon. DSD came back and sat down and ate a few potatoes and some chicken but DH called from another room that he wasn't hungry any more and didn't want any.

Had no idea what was going on but was a bit cross as awkward and unhappy meal; encouraged them to pull their crackers. Pretty much abandoned the table after. DSD went to the study where DH was and the door was shut.

DS went to play with his lego and I tidied up - I was really cross by now as had no idea what was going on and why DSD had been so upset.

Anyway, DH eventually tells me after the children have gone to bed that DSD's mother had said some things yesterday to upset her - I don't know what exactly but something about me he wouldn't talk to me about it and as refused to discuss this further and gone to bed.

I am really sad that DSD was upset but really pissed off that he didn't come back to the table to encourage normality for the children and show some solidarity and stability. DS was upset too after all this and couldn't understand what had happened.

I was not OW btw.

I just feel sad and rejected - as if he is backing her mother's disapproval of me/us.

How am I going to support DSD and DS tomorrow with such an awkward atmosphere?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 12:31

this relationship is doomed OP.. he is a total DICK and his behaviour is totally out of order... YOU have a Child in this Home too. who the fuck does he think is is treating you and your Son like this on your Christmas Day.. it's not all about HIM and HIS DD and HIS EX WIFE....

I'll have booted his pathetic Arse out the door.. and finished my Figgy Pudding... Xmas Grin

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2017 13:00

Wait a minute here. Ex told DSD something about their (former) marriage? So it was something about HIM, not about you. As a result he gives you the silent treatment and withdraws from you. That's bullshit on his part. And even more bullshit is that he told you (or gave you the impression) that it was about you.

Listen, when faced with something bad I'm prone to 'going silent' at times. I turn introspective and need privacy to sort it out in my head before I can talk about it. But I give my DH the courtesy of telling him "I'm upset about something and I need to work it out before I can talk to you about it". Your DH allowed you to believe that whatever this was was about you, causing you unneeded anxiety and upset. That's cruel. Your DH needs to learn that when he needs to 'circle the wagons' that you are supposed to be on the inside of that circle.

CotswoldStrife · 27/12/2017 13:07

So OP, was this something said about you (as you first said) or something said about your DH that upset him (the comments from his ex). Presumably from his reaction there was some justification to the comment as it seems to have hit a nerve.

Also, I do think that to say because he didn't show you tenderness makes you look like a wicked stepmother is way over-dramatic.

The less you make of these things the quicker they will blow over and this whole situation seems to have escalated out of control very quickly. Not sure why, you are better placed to know the reasons. Possibly a bit of an over-reaction on both sides.

Hope you find the cat safe and well soon (I take it you are not blanketed in snow today, that would drive it back to a warm and comfy home super-quick!).

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 13:31

They did have a terrible and long marriage - me too to my ex - and it is hard to not go on auto-defence when [that] was the survival mode for so long (like over half your life)

Those are words of wisdom, OP, from you - but the man needs help, if that's the case. He's a bloody gaslighter.

swingofthings · 27/12/2017 13:46

i agree with some posters, the whole thing doesn't make sense. It's almost as if his ex told about an event that he feels ashamed of, maybe talking about how one year, he shouted that the Xmas dinner that she had cooked was disgusting in front of everyone, or something like this, that would have scared his DD in case he did it again and put him off food at the memory of it.

Whatever it is, I don't think he is being honest with you about what it was all about.

Mousewatch · 27/12/2017 14:29

I would take your DS out, why the fuck is he being moody with you? It's not fair.

I'd pack a bag for the 2 of you and go and stay with relatives for the night. How dare he ruin your Christmas like this.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2017 14:32

Whatever it is, I don't think he is being honest with you about what it was all about.

I'm glad you said this swing. I was thinking it but wasn't quite able to put it in the right words.

OP if whatever it was that DSD remembered that was 'triggered' by your action was something that your DH had no or little fault in, imo he'd have told you right off the bat. For him to treat you the way he did indicates that he is blaming you for 'giving' DSD the recollection in the first place.

newmumwithquestions · 27/12/2017 14:37

I can understand why he didn’t tell you straight away whatever it was that was said. Hopefully he will in time.

However I think it’s inexcusable not to join in the meal. If DSD was upset it’s a 5 minute max take her away to talk enough to get her to pull herself together, back to table then everyone eats together. Then if she needs it she has a longer talk at bedtime or other quiet time to resolve any issues.

I’d be livid if I cooked a meal and people changed their mind about wanting any!

StealthPolarBear · 27/12/2017 14:37

Get out op. This isn't fair on your ds.
It's no fair on dsd either but sadly there's little yiu can do about that :(

Original poster
snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 14:40

We have now had a chance to talk.

He apologised for not coming back to the table to eat and for not being able to talk to me - he was and is very upset.

ExW has been saying things to DSD about me and my relationship with DSD - he has gleaned more from DSD this morning as she is not so upset and happier to talk to him about it - well given a bit more detail. It is all basically along the lines of the fact that I am not her mummy etc and I shouldn't be "doing mummy things" with her - she should be doing these "with my daddy" and she doesn't need to eat "another Christmas dinner as she had had the lovely one that mummy cooked" (the day before).

Much confusion then for DSD - who has always known her own mind and we all got to know each other slowly so we could trust each other and develop a good relationship which we have done. Just before lunch we were double checking something with both children, DSD replied "umm, I don't know, do I like that?".

OP posts:
disappearingninepatch · 27/12/2017 14:41

Apparently he isn't ignoring me, I am ignoring him.

Oh, that will be because you refused to join the family Christmas dinner and went out on your own this morning. Oh no, that was him.

disappearingninepatch · 27/12/2017 14:44

xposted with you, OP, but I still think he needs to grow up.

Homemenu1 · 27/12/2017 14:48

I'm glad he's apologised op for not coming back to the table, I really wish you well, and I get that he was upset and was finding the moment difficult.
How did you feel though? Or your ds? Or you dsd?
Not because of what the ex has said but because of the way dp handled it.
He chose to act moody and go to bed, would it have so bad for him to have said to you.
I'm Feeling a bit rubbish because the ex had been a bit of a git, its not your fault at all just need some head space?

But instead he chose to tell you this morning that it's YOU ignoring HIM.

Did he just all of a sudden realise that he's ruined Christmas for all or did he have to be cajoled out of his mood first?

Homemenu1 · 27/12/2017 14:49

The ex is being scapegoated for his behaviour.

FrancisCrawford · 27/12/2017 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 15:21

I'm not buying his crap OP..... this is not a normal reaction to guff he head from his Ex via his DD...... Flowers

Mousewatch · 27/12/2017 15:57

Bollox, I thought he told you she overheard something?

youarenotkiddingme · 27/12/2017 16:22

Absolutely NO WAY was him refusing to come to dinner table whilst Dsd sat there eating because "you shouldn't be doing mummy things". If that was really what was said he should have returned and been with Dsd.

He's had plenty of alone time sulking to concoct a story. In fact enough time to concoct a believable one - so why this shit version of a fairytale?

Did she overhear something her mum said or did her mum say stuff to her? He's had at least 24 hours to get that simple fact straight!

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2017 16:24

Ok, so in the original story the 'something you did' was that you do 'mummy things' with DSD? So, what about the 'nasty thing about his first marriage' that he used later to excuse his behaviour? His stories don't add up.

Have you spoken to DSD? If it's true that she is worried about enjoying the things you do/time spent with you then I'd say it's time for you to reassure her that you are not trying to take her mum's place. And that most mums do the same type things for their children/stepchildren, like cooking Xmas dinner, buying shoes, helping with homework, etc. It doesn't mean they are trying to take another mum's place nor is it wrong for her to enjoy being part of two families.

Poor little thing.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 27/12/2017 16:27

Clarifying my second paragraph. I'm not saying in any way that you are trying to take her mum's place. You're just doing what we all do for the children under our roofs regardless of relationship.

Cambionome · 27/12/2017 16:39

He is gaslighting you, op. Sad

SouthWestmom · 27/12/2017 16:43

''He has told me what the ex said - something nasty about their marriage (can't say as possibly outing) but DSD will not tell him the rest of what was said but the food kicked it all off and reminded her.''

This isn't the same as you doing mummy things.

Isetan · 27/12/2017 16:48

Despite your assertion that your relationship is good otherwise, this episode and his behaviour exposes the flaws in that argument. For the sake of his child and your relationship he needs to learn how to deal with his emotions. Stonewalling, gaslighting etc are not healthy ways of dealing with conflict and if they remain his default coping mechanism, it will be miserable for everyone. His daughter needs his support and that means demonstrating healthy communication behaviour.

You need to be firm and let him know that you will not tolerate being his emotional punching bag.

Gemini69 · 27/12/2017 17:32

He's lying through his Teeth OP.... he's so clearly lying to you ...

tillytown · 27/12/2017 17:37

I get you wanting to move on and forget about it, but he is a gaslighting dick. Did he apologise to your son? Or is he still pretending that he did nothing wrong?

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