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Original poster

Today was our "Christmas" and it suddenly went badly wrong

108 replies

snowsnowsnowsnow · 26/12/2017 22:36

DH and I had our Christmas today with our 2 children (my DS and DSD both 7) as they were with their other families yesterday. Stocking opening, present giving, close family visiting this afternoon all went really well and all happy; open plan so I was cooking roast for our meal to all eat together and joining in as much as possible. Lovely, even better than we could have hoped for and thought all happy.

Extended family left and we sat down to our meal ... DSD starts crying and wouldn't say what the problem was so she leaves the table with her dad so he can find out what is the matter. I kept theirs warm (half served) and after 10 mins said DS could start slowly and I was sure they would be along soon. DSD came back and sat down and ate a few potatoes and some chicken but DH called from another room that he wasn't hungry any more and didn't want any.

Had no idea what was going on but was a bit cross as awkward and unhappy meal; encouraged them to pull their crackers. Pretty much abandoned the table after. DSD went to the study where DH was and the door was shut.

DS went to play with his lego and I tidied up - I was really cross by now as had no idea what was going on and why DSD had been so upset.

Anyway, DH eventually tells me after the children have gone to bed that DSD's mother had said some things yesterday to upset her - I don't know what exactly but something about me he wouldn't talk to me about it and as refused to discuss this further and gone to bed.

I am really sad that DSD was upset but really pissed off that he didn't come back to the table to encourage normality for the children and show some solidarity and stability. DS was upset too after all this and couldn't understand what had happened.

I was not OW btw.

I just feel sad and rejected - as if he is backing her mother's disapproval of me/us.

How am I going to support DSD and DS tomorrow with such an awkward atmosphere?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/12/2017 10:21

wheres he gone??

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 10:23

I think you need a break from this.

He's punishing you, but won't say for what. That'll be because he knows he'll sound like an unhinged knob.

I'd be careful about having him in your and your child's life tbh.

LineyRunner · 27/12/2017 10:26

In terms of the cat, try banging or opening a tin of tuna near any sheds, cars etc, and listen for any miaowing. My younger cat is a past master at hiding from weather under the decking - we lure her out like this. The neighbour's cat hides up in car undersides / wheels.

Gazelda · 27/12/2017 10:30

He's allowed his ex to ruin part of Christmas for you and DCs. He's punishing you for it.
He doesn't sound amazing.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 27/12/2017 10:31

Has he taken his DC with him or left you with both children? Did he say where he was going?

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/12/2017 10:38

I don't understand why he isn't talking to you. Unless it's his attempt at shutting down any conversation before it even starts.

ByeByePrivacy · 27/12/2017 10:38

That really isn’t normal behaviour blocking you completely, especially with children involved. It is controlling/abusive and he doesn’t breed to be just given time. As sad as it sounds, it sounds like you need to start seeing what you get from this relationship. If my DH blanked me for that long (he has never blanked me) he would be in a hotel by now. Although I know it’s easier said than done, I just wanted you to see that this isn’t normal behaviour in a relationship

Sweetpea55 · 27/12/2017 10:43

He's ignorant. He should have discussed it with you. Not shouted from another room that he didnt want any dinner,
And you should have asked what was wrong ,,not suffered in silence.
Are you afraid of him op

youarenotkiddingme · 27/12/2017 10:46

Totally agree with others that it's your DP behaviour here that's the issue.

His DD was obviously upset - perhaps something you did or served up reminded her of what her mum said?

But he should have reassured her and returned to table with her to show her her mum is wrong.

Instead he's shut you out and left you to care for Dsd because of something her mum said.

Can you text him that either he tells you what was said and you discuss it like adults or he doesn't bother coming home?

GoReylo · 27/12/2017 10:52

Does he often act this way? It sounds totally bizarre to me. Your third Christmas together and he is refusing to speak to you because of something that is not your fault or your problem? I could not handle being in a relationship with a man who had all the emotional maturity of a stroppy over-emotional 10 year old...

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2017 11:08

Text him and say he has to talk to you. I’m mystified what could have been said that results in you being ignored but you deserve to know.

MrsMotherHen · 27/12/2017 11:12

Why is he ignoring you? You haven't done anything.

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2017 11:17

What an absolute arse!

Can't believe he is now ignoring you,he's gone out and left you with the kids and you're none the wiser

X

princesssparkle1 · 27/12/2017 11:21

Is there a sub text to all this that we don't know? Blanking you completely with no explanation sounds utterly bizarre and very cruel. It's not the act of a good man.

What on earth has his EW accused you of that he can't speak about?

kaitlinktm · 27/12/2017 11:22

What a nasty person he is being. He is punishing you for something his ex said and won't even tell you what. You really do need to call him to account for this OP. I know you don't want to do this in front of the children - but he has no such compunctions does he? Where on earth has he gone?

Original poster
snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 11:28

he is back and had apparently told the children where he was going but they forgot (I was in the shower).

Apparently he isn't ignoring me, I am ignoring him

He has told me what the ex said - something nasty about their marriage (can't say as possibly outing) but DSD will not tell him the rest of what was said but the food kicked it all off and reminded her.

I get that he is upset and angry about what DSD has overheard; it is not something that children should have heard. I think the way he is acting his default mode, to protect her and himself (ie shut outside world and protect the children) but he seems to forget that I am not her and I love him.

To me it gives the impression to the children that whatever she has said, by avoiding me and not showing me tenderness (normally hug infront of kids etc - not gross tho!) backs up that indeed I am a wicked step-mother.

DSD and DS seem OK - DSD being chatty but making a few comments about how mummy does it but I understand she is doing this as she is standing up for her, knowing that what she overhead her saying was wrong...

Oh dear.

They did have a terrible and long marriage - me too to my ex - and it is hard to not go on auto-defence when they was the survival mode for so long (like over half your life).

Thank you for all your responses - perhaps I am over-reacting too as I was so desperate for everything to be perfect and homely and when it suddenly went wrong I couldn't handle it.

He isn't a sulker and we are always very forgiving of each other and don't hold grudges.

More worried about my lovely cat! Going outside now to rattle dreamies.

Sorry very long!
x

OP posts:
princesssparkle1 · 27/12/2017 11:33

Apparently he isn't ignoring me, I am ignoring him

I see. What an odd man he is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2017 11:35

How has the silent treatment ended when he’s done it in the past? Does he get to decide when it happens and how long it goes on for then brightens up suddenly and pretends it never happened? Or do you have to plead and grovel and beg him to talk to you, as if you did something to deserve it, then when he’s feeling super important and special he decides you’re worthy of talking to again?

It’s a toxic unhealthy environment for both children, and of course for you. OP it’s not your fault. You don’t deserve it. You’ve done nothing wrong. Not all relationships are like this.

Shutting you out is unfair and cruel and it’s a particularly nasty power play. He knows how much he’s upsetting you and he’s doing it to try and control you. All of that would be the case whether step relationships were involved or not and as you know, when they are the situation is more precarious and it will only work long term if he decides he’s on your team and you face obstacles and issues together.

bringbacksideburns · 27/12/2017 11:35

No you are not overreacting.

He handled it really badly. He should have given her a big hug, not let it spoil the rest of the day and told you As soon as possible.

He let his ex ruin your day.
I'd want some time apart frankly - see If you can go out and visit friends and family.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/12/2017 11:35

You need to tell him his default mode made you and ds feel like shit.

Now he's got you feeling like you were in the wrong, when he was being the prick.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 11:42

Oh come on! He had a huge big baby tantrum and took it out on all of you, nothing deeper than that and now he’s twisting it round to put himself as poor sad victim and make you take part of the responsibility for his sulky behaviour. Shocking behaviour.

SouthWestmom · 27/12/2017 11:43

I don't get it.

DSD overheard something said by her mum, was upset and told her dad, your dh, and he then sulked and stopped taking to you.

So was it

A) a valid point that he needs to consider -you've stolen something/ hit the kids/ bitched about his family

Or

B) some twatty comment about you cooking/decorating/present giving differently that he should just ignore?

Odd.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2017 11:46

Hmmm, big x post. But it’s his responsibility to be a grown up and learn better coping mechanisms than to shut his partner of 3+ years out when he hears second hand that his ex, who he knows is a twat is being...a twat.

I don’t agree that he let his ex ruin Christmas. He did that all by himself.

My DH ex can be vile and unfortunately has told my DSC some shocking lies in the past. You know what we do? Listen, ask them if there’s anything else they need to talk about, give them lots of cuddles, say that people have different memories of the same things, or that sometimes grown ups make mistakes, or whatever is appropriate, more cuddles then back to whatever we were doing. We protect our family unit, our home, we’re the parents here. Why would we choose to let someone who doesn’t live here, who neither of us in a relationship with, dictate or spoil our life here?

Telling you your recollection of a situation is wrong like he’s done (did you think you were the one doing the ignoring?! Didn’t sound like it to me when you sorting a special lunch and wrangling too children while he buggered off somewhere) is called gaslighting.

In the short term in pleased you’re feeling better. But I have to say I’m worried about you and your son. You’ve left one bad relationship in the past. You’ve come out the other side in one piece. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t behave well towards you.

youarenotkiddingme · 27/12/2017 11:49

Some red flags in your post.

He says he's not ignoring you - you're ignoring him?

Yet he called through to say he wasn't joining you all for dinner and remained separated because he withdrew himself.

Homemenu1 · 27/12/2017 11:59

Sorry op but he's playing games with you, whatever happened/or was said he's taking it out on you and it's not ok