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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Today was our "Christmas" and it suddenly went badly wrong

108 replies

snowsnowsnowsnow · 26/12/2017 22:36

DH and I had our Christmas today with our 2 children (my DS and DSD both 7) as they were with their other families yesterday. Stocking opening, present giving, close family visiting this afternoon all went really well and all happy; open plan so I was cooking roast for our meal to all eat together and joining in as much as possible. Lovely, even better than we could have hoped for and thought all happy.

Extended family left and we sat down to our meal ... DSD starts crying and wouldn't say what the problem was so she leaves the table with her dad so he can find out what is the matter. I kept theirs warm (half served) and after 10 mins said DS could start slowly and I was sure they would be along soon. DSD came back and sat down and ate a few potatoes and some chicken but DH called from another room that he wasn't hungry any more and didn't want any.

Had no idea what was going on but was a bit cross as awkward and unhappy meal; encouraged them to pull their crackers. Pretty much abandoned the table after. DSD went to the study where DH was and the door was shut.

DS went to play with his lego and I tidied up - I was really cross by now as had no idea what was going on and why DSD had been so upset.

Anyway, DH eventually tells me after the children have gone to bed that DSD's mother had said some things yesterday to upset her - I don't know what exactly but something about me he wouldn't talk to me about it and as refused to discuss this further and gone to bed.

I am really sad that DSD was upset but really pissed off that he didn't come back to the table to encourage normality for the children and show some solidarity and stability. DS was upset too after all this and couldn't understand what had happened.

I was not OW btw.

I just feel sad and rejected - as if he is backing her mother's disapproval of me/us.

How am I going to support DSD and DS tomorrow with such an awkward atmosphere?

OP posts:
Original poster
snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 07:54

well, the children are running around in the snow "this is the best Christmas ever!"

Oh the irony...

at least they seem OK.

DH still NC. DSD seems happy enough but no morning hug this am for me at least.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 27/12/2017 08:35

Being a step-parent is bloody hard. You have to accept that your partner will continue to have some sort of relationship with their ex, the ex often feels threatened by or resentful of you, the step-kids sometimes feel disloyal if they like the SP - it's a minefield.

Imo, the only way it really works is if all the adults involved behave like adults and act in the best interests of all the children. If the step-child's other parent is trying to manipulate things, it takes a very strong and wise parent to manage the situation successfully.

Your partner really needs to share what's going on with you, so that you can be a united front. Shutting you out is putting a wedge between the 2 of you which is possibly exactly what his ex wants.

My DP finds it really hard to open up. When something's up, and he's off with me or withdrawn, I get him somewhere neutral (usually a pub), where he hasn't got tv or internet for distraction, and have a conversation that starts along these lines: "There's obviously something up, you're keeping it from me and that's freaking me out. Just tell me what it is, I promise I won't be angry, and we'll sort it out together".

The last couple of times it was something so trivial that I roared with laughter. Hmm

Your DP really needs to understand that whatever it is won't go away if he ignores it.

Good luck.

SD1978 · 27/12/2017 09:00

I think it’s reasonable to be upset- by the sounds of things, everything was ok with DSD at the fun stuff- presents and other family. The issue came at dinner. Your DH shutting you out and not explaining why would have upset me too- and not even giving a half explanation, but leaving you wondering whilst he shuts himself away, would have gotten to me too. If his DD has said something, that’s had that big an impact, I hope that he tells you what it is tomorrow.

KhalliWali · 27/12/2017 09:09

Oh, poor you. He's a dick. He shouldn't have shut you out like that.

Mustang27 · 27/12/2017 09:09

Hugs from me this sounds dreadful you poor thing. He did not handle this well and think it's very odd that he hasn't properly spoken to you and tried to at least semi tell you what the concerns were. Even to allow you to gauge how to be around your dsd at the mo.

Achingallover · 27/12/2017 09:27

What a drama queen he is. I feel sorry for the kid though.

daisychain01 · 27/12/2017 09:28

Is it possible DSD told him with the caveat that he mustn't tell you?

How does that work? A child shouldn't get to dictate to the adult what they should or shouldn't do.

OP your DH was completely in the wrong and derailed what could have been a very nice event. He shouldn't have tolerated secrets and whispering in other rooms, pandering to his DD instead of being firm and fair in inviting her to share any problem openly.

He could easily have nipped it in the bud and quit the melodrama and if DSD had anything to say it should have been open. Makes me feel what she said wasn't for your ears because it wasn't true!

daisychain01 · 27/12/2017 09:34

the step-kids sometimes feel disloyal if they like the SP - it's a minefield

^^ yup, been there and got the TShirt Grin damned if you do (be kind, make efforts to form a loving relationship with the DSC so their time with the parent is happy), damned if you don't (stay aloof, don't get involved, make no effort). I did the former but it was often like walking on eggshells!

BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2017 09:37

This is not a fantastic relationship op.

Stonewalling is abusive
He's emotionally manipulating you by punishing you for something that's not your fault.
Being scared to do something because you're scared of the reaction is a massive red flag.

And why isn't he up parenting his child?

AlwaysPondering · 27/12/2017 09:40

Give the DC a game to play with together or put a Christmas film on and tell DH you want to talk in another room. You need to find out what's going on. You can't spend your day like this!

And it doesn't have to escalate into an arguement. You seem controlled and sensible enough that if it does get heated you can walk away and not retaliate.

I take my hat off to you though OP. I would be demanding to know what was said etc. but perhaps that is where my immaturity shows!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/12/2017 09:51

Heavens, he’s still shutting you out today, even though DSD is now fine & happy?

That’s ridiculous. I would need to pull him to one side & demand to know what the issue is. If it’s affecting your family time (and your family), then it’s your business!

LucheroTena · 27/12/2017 09:55

His behaviour is appalling, abusive and childish. I would be asking what I saw in this man.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/12/2017 09:55

He is punishing you when you have apparently done nothing wrong. Demand he tells you now, ruining your Xmas/holiday with amateur dramatics over something an ex has said is not acceptable.

Original poster
snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 10:01

He is now out again and still hasn't spoken to me. I am now beyond upset and cannot see a way out.

Cannot cry anymore as children now back inside and I need to try to be normal. Am not and am not coping.

Can't be bothered anymore with anything. Give up!

OP posts:
Ilovecamping · 27/12/2017 10:02

Give him some time, he might not be able to find the words to talk to you, sometimes better to say nothing rather than say the wrong things. I have been a step for many years and it is a minefield. At 7 the child has probably heard something she should never have been told, give her time as well.

LucheroTena · 27/12/2017 10:03

Get angry op, then dump this abusive lump.

LucheroTena · 27/12/2017 10:04

Give him some time!? Are you serious? He's ruined ops Christmas with his unreasonable behaviour. Why are these people so indulged??

Original poster
snowsnowsnowsnow · 27/12/2017 10:07

cat hasn't come home either!
God, worse Christmas ever Sad

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 27/12/2017 10:08

Send him a text and tell him this is very upsetting for you and as soon as he gets home you want it sorted out no matter how difficult things might be to say/hear, you want to know if you have done something as it feels like you are being punished for something, or you want to know exactly what has happened with DSD and his ex as it is impacting you. This ongoing silent treatment is totally unreasonable and cannot continue.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2017 10:08

I'd wake the fucker up and make him tell me. How dare he behave like this. Either you are in a relationship, which is open and honest or you are better off out of it!
There is no way I'd be letting my dp sleep, having been a moody bastard and ruined Christmas.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 10:10

He sounds like an absolute nightmare. Reminds me of my sulky mum. There was no escape from her though for a long 19 years till I left home.

Headofthehive55 · 27/12/2017 10:12

He sounds like he has a good relationship with your DS because you are so accommodating.
He has behaved rudely and badly.
I would be angry if my family did that to me and there are no step relationships! I've gone to the trouble of cooking, the least they can do is behave and eat the dinner.

Bearsinmotion · 27/12/2017 10:13

That is appalling behaviour, your DSD coming back to eat shows more maturity than your DH. He needs to grow up and speak to you as an adult.

Namechangetempissue · 27/12/2017 10:16

He sounds like an absolute nightmare -this is NOT an "amazing" relationship OP. He sounds childish and rude and I would be telling him if he isn't going to either tell you what is wrong or stop being such a nasty bastard he can piss off out and stop ruining everyone elses Christmas. He is controlling you OP. Don't cry -get angry.

pollythedolly · 27/12/2017 10:19

Stonewalling is absolutely unacceptable. Nasty tactic. Does he do this often?